Mindset

You want what you don't want
You don't want what you want

You don't expect anything
Have the lowest expectation
Prepare for worst case scenario

Focus only on the good memory
Focus only on the good, bright side
Ignore the bad side

Life is just made up of memories
Make the good out of every bad

Be ignorant, then you'll be happy

Humans are selfish

The more I know about humans, the more I love my dog

Humans are naturally selfish - probably an evolutionary trait

Nobody will be responsible for you. You're responsible for your own happiness.
They will use you, manipulate you for their own gain. They will only be close to you for their own benefits.

The more I grow up, the more I learnt not to trust anyone. It's kinda sad.

Can't wait for the next f up

The burden of weekend expectations and annual leave

Confession time:
I'm a workaholic
I don't have friends

Hence, when people ask me what I do for the weekend, I stressed out.
This is because I usually have nothing to do.

People usually have fun things to do, like hiking, hanging out with friends etc.. great social life

For me, I don't really have much to do

Hence, they'll stare at me as if there's something wrong with me.

In actual fact I just like to stay at home

In fact, I hated everything about annual leave, especially when you don't have friends to travel to the place you really wanted to go

It's a waste of money to travel just for the sake of it. And I can't just stay at home, people sure will ask why the heck will I do that

Sad life

This is what introversion gets you

It's not the most comfortable thing to do to talk to everyone
I just wish there's a place where it's perfectly normal to be alone and looked down upon

People who tell others what to do

Yes I'm proud
I don't listen to what others have to say
I don't like being told what to do

But, that doesn't hide or condemn the fact that I'm actually annoyed by people telling me what to do, as if their life is better, as if I should be more like them, as I should think like them because as according to them my thinking sucks

As if I haven't try improving myself
As if I haven't make efforts to change myself
As if it's very easy

What really pisses me off is that they claim I'm not kind enough and therefore I'm a Christian and not a hypocrite. Apparently my pessimistic attitude is not Christ-like.

I don't mind if you say I'm proud. But from your perspective, you only start going to church for the past 1 month, and now you act like you're a teacher, a mentor for a person who went to church his whole life and is involved with a number of ministry. I won't say my spiritual maturity is good but it's at least better than yours. You're still feeding on milk. That's the burden. I need act mature even if the inner me wanted to explode and curse the shit out of you.

I think:"Ey Hello, different people have different personality ok?? Nobody is 100% correct, and nobody is 100% wrong. Just because I'm pessimistic doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Just because you're optimistic doesn't mean its a good thing. It's all about personality ok? If you say you want  me to change my personality because you 'cared' for me, then I'll say I rather you be just a listening ear to understand where I'm coming from rather than judging and accusing me straight away, in the name of concern. To be honest, being a listening ear is more helpful than giving unsolicited advice. I don't have to prove myself to you to show that I've changed. No, I'm not perfect. But I'm not making any efforts to improve my weakness. I just learn to be aware of it and minimize the effect of it on other people. Obviously I don't say I'm changing to everyone because that will just give me unnecessary pressure "

Ok, so you're starting everything a fresh anew, that's great for you. So now you're making great initiatives to be out of your comfort zone, that's great! good for you. But what bothers me is that now you're telling me I'm not doing ok because I'm stuck at my comfort zone and I should get out more, just like you. Eh! Hello! Do you think I haven't try it ah?

You're just trying to justify your actions and your thinking, and now you're trying to impose your thinking on me, condemning my act of being comfortable. So all people who stayed in their comfort zone are shitty lah? So all people who make efforts to be out of their comfort zone are saints lah?

In my own perspective, you're just trying to redeem yourself because for the past few years you're one of the most introverted and detached people I've seen. To hide your true motivation and make it less obvious regarding your initiatives, you try to make everyone else thinks the same way as you do. It's perfectly fine that you're getting out of your comfort zone, in fact I'm happy for you. But now you're telling me that I'm a bad and crooked person because I'm staying in mine - that really bothers me. Who are you to tell me how to think? It's really none of your business if I go all out socializing or just stay in my room being an introvert. The way you judge me saying what should be right and what should be wrong regarding how I live my life really bothers me. I can't really stand you to be honest.
I don't mind if you tell the whole world that I'm prideful and I don't listen to advice. But, be sure to ask yourself, my life isn't your business. Whether I change or not or whether I'm happy or not is really none of your business. I can stay the way I am or gradually change in God's guidance. That's really up to Him.

Please, reserve your 'concern' for yourself. It's not working at all. If you're really concerned about me, you won't be judging. Instead, you'll be a listening ear and try to understand where I'm coming from. I usually help people that way by listening to them and not giving them judgmental advices. However, since you're just you, I don't expect much for you to do that.

Haih, the more I think about it, the more I'm pissed off. Just mind your own business lah.

Think about it, there will be more people like him in my life in the future. I just need to listen and take what's worth from their "concern". If deep down I know I really need to change I will, if not, then no action plan. I don't mind if they say I'm not a good Christian or whatsoever.

I shouldn't be bothered by you actually.

Regards
A prideful guy

40 Days in Home Town : Day 2

Woke up at 3pm
Still going through the books in the common area, managed to sort out the books in the shelf
Put the books to sell online using "imsold" app
Went to church cell group, managed to see people whom I didn't see for 3 years, it was nice

Nothing much happened today

40 Days in Hometown : Day 1

Woke up at 4pm due to jet lag, slept at 6am this morning.
Went to eat seafood
Sorted out my souvenirs for parents and sisters
Bought slippers and condensed milk for myself
Sorted out sister's graduation pictures
Worked out the Christian fellowship's members commitment of serving in the worship team. Not a great response to be honest but that is actually expected.

Basically not being anything useful actually.

Things I'm worried for the upcoming academic year

1. The dreaded third year
It's no shame to admit that I'm a coward. I am scared of mechanical engineering 3rd year. My friend failed his third year, and other two were struggling. So yeah, all aboard the fear train

2. Chinese Christian fellowship Commitments
I'm not a hong kong student. I don't fit in at all. The only reason I join (and not best reason at all) is because a friend and another friend's invitation, which I felt wanted and needed lol. And now I need to plan their rota lol. I'm a good musician, but that doesn't mean I'm a good coordinator. I hate coordinating people as my social skills sucks.

3. Friends
Entering to third year after placement year had made me 1 year delayed as compared to others. I'll probably sit alone and eat alone and die alone

4. Relationships
The pressure is on, and to be honest I would not want to. Sometimes I just don't want to care about it as I know I'm not ready yet

5. Work
Will the company send me the sponsorship letter as agreed? Will the company be nice? Does the restructures affect my employment? so many concerns

6. Personality problem
I got a huge personality problem. It would be unfair to blame genetics as I need to take responsibilities. However, since there's an element of genetics, I need to restraint and control myself all the time. Sometimes I don't know the line between being nice and being fake. To be honest, I don't want to know. I know I will explode someday. Just sad to see the face of disappointments. I screwed up so many times, and I think the scars or not healing, and I think I will get more and more scars along the way.

So what

You will screw up anyway
You will repeat the same mistake anyway
You will face the same situation as you dad anyway
So why bother avoiding it or pretending not to have it

So what if you screw up
So what if you repeat the same mistake
So what if you faced the same situation as your dad

The one thing which you can only do, and you should do, is to move on
Move on
Easier said than done, but it's important

Look towards the future
Learn from the past
Even if it's too late to amend some things, you still look forward
Even if you know you're going to screw things up and learning lessons when it's too late, you still look forward, as if nothing has happened

Mirror

A note to self

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you see,
I saw a huge monster,
Staring straight back at me.

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you see,
The man hid the creature,
That came from soul within.

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you think,
The man did not answer,
To calls of letting free.

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you think,
Please restrain exposure,
Else we all feel hurting.

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you know,
Hiding makes life harder,
But to whom could I show?

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you know,
Plow towards the future,
Ponder what life bestowed.

Emo quote of the day

有很多事情，我用長時間，
終於才領悟了。

可是領悟後，已經太遲了。
因無再次機會。

後悔與無奈，恨己也無助。
等待再次愚笨。

Translation:
There are many things, I used a very long time,
before I finally understand

But after the revelation, it's too late
Because there are no more chances

Regrets and out of ideas, no point in hating myself.
Just waiting for the next idiocy

Spontaneous Thoughts on my current life stage

I think a lot.
Is it healthy?
I don't know
Is it unhealthy?
I don't know

I can't wait for my placement to end

At first,
It was a luxury
"Can have it, but not necessary"
I worked my ass off to secure the placement. Man, at last, I got it, Thank God!

Was it a bad decision? After all,
It made me felt the pain
It made me felt the loneliness
It made me felt the hopelessness
It made me felt the depression
It made me felt the stress
It made me felt my weaknesses like never before
It made me felt the constant mind screwing
It made me felt uncertain about my future
It made me question the world
It made me question my existence

Yet, I am more than thankful for the opportunity
I didn't realize I needed it
I needed the break
I needed the breath of fresh air
I needed the space
I needed the exposure
I needed the new connections
I needed the growth
I needed the maturity, albeit a small little step
I needed the understanding
I needed the strength
I needed the new perspective
I needed the confidence
I needed the freedom

Most of all, I am being shown again, God is present
God is there
God is faithful
He is looking out for me, like a shepherd.

So, I'm hope my placement never end. I thank God for the experience, for all the sweet and bitter.
Sweet - It made me happy
Bitter - It made me grow, no matter how small the steps are, I still grow

Thoughts Today

I'm not doing anything useful lol

What am I doing in my life

How I wish I could kill all expectations, live my life without the social standards 

That way I could know people in their true form 

Enjoying the company 

Yet, he pissed me off. I don't mind being called sensitive, maybe I am

What the heck dude 

We've changed

I've changed, so do you 

We went back to being strangers

How I wish I can don't give a shit anymore

Yet, due to social norms, I still need to 

Still, you pissed me off.

Because of you, now I will try my best to be a better a person, to treat everyone with good hospitality. Because I know the feeling of not being given one.

She pissed me off as well. Because of her, now I will try my best to use common sense, not to judge people based on categorisation. Because of her, I will try my best to be discrete about spreading information. Because of her, I will do my best to keep everyone's secrets. 

But above all, I pissed them off as well. What an ending. What can I do? What if I screwed up? The world will not stop if I screw up. Everyone screws up. The point is not whether you screw up, is how you respond to it, because eventually you will screw up

How I wish I don't have to use my EQ, because I know I lack of it. I put higher emphasis on technical stuff, guess I have a talent for it. But for relationships, I suck, real bad.

Because of what happpend, now I really appreciate anonymity. I hated a close knit community. Yes they do care for you. Yet they know everything about you, and will likely talk behind your back. Worse off, they'll spread the information. Now I understand why my dad is pissed off when my mum keep talking about others. My mum accused of my dad being insensitive and played the victim role. Rightly so, she's not 100% wrong, but also not 100% correct. 

Nobody will understand you. Nobody will give a single shit of how you feel.

I think I'm just like my dad, destined? No matter how much I try, I'll wind up be like him. But still, I still try my best to keep the conscience effort to be sane. 

I don't feel like giving shits anymore. 

In an ideal situation, I would have met someone in an unexpected peaceful miracle, who is mature, kind, reserved, smart. 

Yet, life is not perfect

This won't happen, unless a miracle happen

I hate social conventions

I hate  shipping each other 

To be honest, the more you ship, the more it won't happen. Even if it did happen, it'll not be a happy ending 

I cried, but no tears

If I could ignore the definitions of boyfriend/girlfriend

If I could ignore the social expectations 

If I could know a person without the input of others 

I just want to tell the person how I felt about her

I just want to be honest

I don't want to live just to fulfill the unfulfilled expectations of the society

At this phase of my life, I love being anonymous 

But that would never happen

That's why I really love "Garden of Words", guess I could relate to the movie very well. 

To be honest I just don't feel like giving shits anymore

 

My ideal girlfriend (which would probably not happening):

The one who is kind hearted

The one who is smart 

The one who is mature to understand 

The one who is reserved, discretion practiced throughout 

The one I would like to spend my time with, enjoying each other's company

The one who knows the bible better than I do, and encourage me to walk closer to God

The one who understand why I'm doing things that particular way

The one whom only I understand where's she's coming from 

The one whom, above all, loves God

The one whom I would say to myself that she's the one

The one that I felt peace in my heart

The one that I don't have to be fake

The one that I don't feel socially restricted by norms 

I would not trade anything for her 

The one whom reminded me theee are still good things happening in the world 

The one whom I can share secrets with , without contempt 

If I ever stumble upon you, I would be the happiest man 

So, where does God comes into this picture, in the midst of my rants?

I don't know, but one thing is for sure, he's always there. 

A Silent Voice (Koe No Katachi)

I just finished watching the movie "A Silent Voice" a.k.a Koe No Katachi in Japanese title. It's a great anime movie I must say, and surprisingly deep as well. One might reckon that the movie is catered specifically for high school teenagers, but it's actually not. Adults can enjoy the movie as well as the movie addressed several universal themes/issues in life. Guilt, depression, redemption are all part and parcels of life, This movie touched upon these themes in a natural yet serious way. The summary of the movie revolves around a high school boy who seeks redemption for the past bullying acts he had done towards a deaf girl back in elementary school.

Depression
The boy is depressed because of his guilt, and his unhealthy social life. The girl was also depressed, due to her disability. But she kept on a façade of smiles, only to be faded when the reality hits hard. The reality is that everyone will go through depression at various points of life at various severity. The fact is that it is how we face depression that matters. When the boy and girl are having self-esteem issues, they turned to self-harm method of releasing the steam, which is unhealthy. But sadly this is what's happening throughout the world, a fact that we could not ignore.

Disability
The girl is deaf, and rely on hearing aids on everyday basis. Unsurprisingly, the girl is also having trouble pronouncing words. The disability has caused trouble and inconvenience in elementary school for both characters. In the manga, the inconveniences are explored deeper as the girl is bringing trouble to everyone around her, which she understands too well. The movie shed light on the world perspective of hearing impaired people, sympathizing with their situation in a very positive way.

Suicide
Both the boy and girl have thoughts of suicide due to their past guilt. The boy attempted suicide by jumping off a bridge, only to be saved by the reunion of him and the girl. The girl attempted suicide by jumping off a building, only to be saved by the boy who arrived just in time. The movie explores the fact that suicide doesn't solve anything, as it will only bring grief to everyone else. In the boy's case, the mother scolded him for being selfish as once he committed suicide, the mother will be left alone and broken. The girl's reason of attempted suicide was to end the boy's suffering, or so she thought. The girl reckon that she's the one who caused the boy to be ostracized, twice. She also came to conclusion that the boy will never be happy as long as they're together. She ponder upon the situation where the boy's life will be way happier if she hadn't appear in his life in the first place. It may seem her suicidal thoughts are quite ridiculous, but this is the reality of the society.

Loneliness
The boy shut himself from the outside world, hence the loneliness he faced in school. As a result, he is ostracized, also partly due to his ex-best friends' actions. The movie hinted on the fact that friendship is the cure to loneliness, and opening up oneself to others is the first step. The girl is definitely the loneliest in school, having to deal with hearing disability which hindered her normal learning process.

Redemption
The world will not end if we did something wrong. What we ought to do is to redeem our past failures, not looking back. So what if we screwed up? We should look forward, and continue our lives, learning lessons along the way. So what if we screwed up again? It's okay because that's how good lessons are learnt. The boy goes above and beyond in his redemption acts, bringing everyone together for the girl. The main drive for his redemption is his guilt, which might not be the best reason but that's the usual case for everyone.

Forgiveness
I think this is the most heart-warming part of the movie, as the girl forgave the boy for bullying her in the past. The boy's friends forgave him for his actions as well. The boy also forgave everyone. Near the end of the movie, there's a scene where the boy finally opened up himself to the rest of the world, realizing that he had forgave everyone and vice versa. He decided to listen to everyone's voice, and to speak up as well. I think the movie has a very good way of reaching out to everyone upon the fact that forgiveness can be the best thing in life.

Overall, I really do recommend this movie to all the people I know. Although a fair bit of warning, I would like to advice everyone to watch the movie first before reading the manga. I did the opposite, and was underwhelmed when I first saw the movie as I inevitably compared the movie with the manga (the movie missed out a lot of plot and character development as compared to the manga). However, the movie on it's own, it's a masterpiece.

Not looking forward for summer

I don't know lah, ever since 2014, I never look forward for summer season. It's contrary to anything, it's contrary to what the world believes in, or at least what the advertisement/marketing team wants you to believe "Summer is all fun, sun, beach!"

Every summer, I managed to screw things up.
I feel lonely, depressed like shit, as well as bored to death.
This is probably due to my workaholic nature, I couldn't find meaning in life once my work is done.

And I don't want to spend $$$ to go outside play play, need to save $$$ man

Now it's the summer season, I don't look forward for anything lol
I just love winter, the cold, the layer of clothings which conceals what's dark beneath.

Forced positivity

What I'm feeling:
Loneliness, it struck me
I put on a fake smile everyday, thinking everything is fine. Hoping people will see I'm living the good life.
By the way I'm a living a life physically where many people dream of: not worrrying about food and money, studying in UK, travelling etc
I'm actual fact, emotionally, I'm battered. It's the best and worst time of my life thus far. There's an emptiness, a void, a hole in my heart.
I understand that Holy Spirit could fill that void, but then again psychologically, I'm not balanced. I'm in the border of depression.
The void only grew bigger and bigger; what used to satisfy me no longer do so. What used to excite me no longer do so.

What I should do
Look at the positive side! Choose to remember the good stuff! Everything is going to be ok! Clear skies after rain! All these are temporal! Appreciate what you have!!!! Be thankful!

What I actually did
I allowed negative emotions a foot hole, why? Because that how I'm being hones with myself, not lying to myself about how I actually felt. Every night, I ponder upon things , things I should be doing, but I didn't. Every night, I thought about how much I actually have back in first and second year, which I don't have now. I'm afraid that what I have in third year now willl be taken away sooner or later. Sad, but hey that's how life works. Day by day, we grow stronger through the pain, in the end, what matters is the character that we cultivated

Australasia according to Malaysians

Africa according to Malaysians

South America according to Malaysians

North America according to Malaysians

Europe according to Malaysians

Asia according to Malaysians

Malaysia according to Malaysians

Sad without an apparent reason

I think my emotions are unstable. One moment I'm happy, another moment I'm sad. And I'm not having PMS as I'm a male.
I think deep down I'm sad because of stress.
Stress in work
Stress in achieving the expectations etc
sad
sad
sad
:(

How Far I've gone

One year ago today, if I told myself that I'll be looking forward for the end of placement, I would not believe it.
One year ago today, if I told myself that  ______________________, I would not believe it
1. I'm living the dream in Aberdeen
2. I'm working with professionals in confidence
3. I can do more and less some small talk

The point is, I need to be grateful at where I am now, all thanks to God. It's all an unexpected peaceful miracle.
Last year, I had a slimmest hope of getting into placement. I applied for 20+ jobs, only Atkins came back, and thank God!
Since I did not deserve it, what more can I do other than to give my best and be thankful everyday.
Same with God's salvation, since we do not deserve to be alive and saved, what more can we do than to give God praise and live your life for Jesus Christ.

Lord, really, Lord, help me to put my trust in you, because I know with my own strength, I can't.
Lord, help me to do my best, and let you do the rest, and may your peace be with me.

So now, today, I have a slight depression apparently. I went online for some self diagnosis and apparently I'm categorized with mild depression. It's probably due to loneliness and lack of social interaction.

In this phase of depression, I seek for human warmth, and hence explain the increase of desperation of looking for "the one". Yet, the more I think of it, the more I reckon I'm not suitable or worth it. First of all, I know deep down I'm a selfish guy. Secondly, my personality mirrors my dad's. Growing up, witnessing how Dad's words and actions can be abusive, volatile, and hurtful; I think I'll be just like him after I'm married, hurting everybody. That's why I'm thinking that I'm never ready for any relationship, because of who I am. It's a wound that I need to resolve. I know people don't change in their core, it's the maturity in controlling oneself that changes over time.

I'm tired. I don't think I could provide the emotional need if I really got into a relationship. I took it as my fate ? Since I'm thinking like this, I should never feel jealous whenever I see happy cute couples walking around or the fact that somebody has someone to belong. Even if I feel jealous, I need to suppress it.

Watching Makoto Shinkai's anime films meme

Not Ready

As much as I wanted a girlfriend, I need to reflect upon myself, on what's the motive behind these desperations, and am I really ready?

The short answer is: No, I'm not ready, and my motives are not clear.

First of all, at this phase of my life, I encountered severe loneliness, probably due to the fact that I'm alone most of the time.
Wanting a partner due to loneliness is not the best reason. In fact, I should not look for a partner based only on the need for companionship

Secondly, no I'm not ready. Emotionally, I'm volatile, just like my dad. I'm just like my parents. So, every time I see my parents quarrel, I wonder if I'll end up like them in the future, pondering if I'm worth having a wife, as I will not be able to handle her delicate heart.

So, how do you cure loneliness?
Honestly, I don't know. But this is part and parcel of life
I need to learn how to feel ok when I'm alone
I watched movies, travelled, read books etc.
Anything to fill up my time

Watched 3 Makoto Shinkai's Film

Today I decided to watch 3 Makoto Shinkai's film consecutively.

• 5 Centimeter per second (2007)
• Garden of Words (2013)
• Your Name (2016)

It's the best way to feel poignant sadness, watching Makoto's films. I'm such a smart ass haha, already in the phase of my life where I'm constantly alone, I decided to add the sadness by watching these movies.

Overall, these movies' theme is about longing and separation. It's a realistic depiction of what "love" is, and how it usually ended up separation by time and space. After watching these movies, I feel sad, and depressed.

5 Centimeter per second (2007) taught me about the importance to let go of the past infatuation, stop thinking/hoping about the ideal girlfriend or the ideal outcome. As always, ideal expectation sure will disappoint. I also learn to try to appreciate the present, the people in my present life, and try to get the best out of it. In the end, it's the memories that matters. It's how I remember that matters. Even though if other people think my situation is an ordeal, as long as I remember it positively, that'll do. That's why ignorance is bliss, it's like not knowing you're in a shit hole, and being happy about it, because you didn't realise you're in a shit hole. This film also reminded me about my past infatuations with a lot of girls, and to forget about the idealized version of them in my mind, because I reckon crushes will probably not work. A great film that touches our heart, and taught us that although looking back can be sweet, looking forward at the present might be the best.

Garden of Words gave me a feeling of longing for a companion, not necessary a romantic one, but someone who can just enjoy each other's company. If social convention have no dictation, I wonder whom can I enjoy my companionship with, might be someone unexpected. Well, if only a place where there's no social conformity actually exist. I can actually relate to this film very well because in this phase of my life, I'm pretty much alone, not knowing if this will last a lifetime. I always joke to myself that I will die a virgin, lol. I can really relate to the character, Yukino, who basically lives on her own, having no friends, and rather stressed about life, which is crumbling around her. It was in this film that I realized my problem is a bit similar to the character: not revealing to others what important. I've been living my life a lie so far, not telling other people how I really felt about things. It will be hard to admit my loneliness to others, because having no friends and no weekend plans and no hangouts is rather embarrassing haha. This film is a tribute to the people who are currently in the state of loneliness, and that being loneliness is not a 100% bad thing, but it's not 100% ok. What it really meant to me is to acknowledge my loneliness, not be embarrassed by it, but embrace it as part of the process of growing up and maturing in time.

Your Name, when I first watched it, it overwhelms me with emotions, the longing emotion of searching for someone who can really fill the void. Now, I've watched the film for like the 20th time. I began to realise the plot holes haha. Anyway, enough of nitpicking. This film made me nostalgic of any infatuations feelings I have for any girl, or fi there's a girl destined for us to be together. It made me wonder if there's someone out there. But then again, in reality, you're the one who is suppose to make the initiative to meet people. It's like looking for something that could fill up the loneliness and emptiness in my heart. I just love this film so much, made me very emotional. In the midst of hectic schedule, one does ponder if there's a great connection with a special person can exist. At least this film positive ending, unlike the other two, which were more melancholic.

I'm at this stage of my life

Right now, at this phase of my life, I'm on work placement. I earn money, I live in a nice apartment (for now). I can literally do whatever I want. I am well off financially (relatively)

Yet,

I'm still empty. I feel like my life is rather meaningless now. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing, only social and work pressure.

I need Jesus

Other people go back to their house from work got family, kids, girlfriend, friends etc

Me? I go back home from work, only to be alone and lonely again. No friends, no, nothing.

I remember vividly, 10 years ago, I yearn to listen to Jay Chou songs, unlimited.
I remember vividly, 10 years ago, I yearn to grow long hair.

Now, I sien already, I can listen to every jay chou song anytime, but I sien
Now, I sien of my long hair, because need to maintain, Hair gel etc

Right now, I yearn for a partner lol, but that's only because I'm lonely
Someday, I will sien of my wife and kids, someday
Sad

It's funny, it's like my life is getting better and worse at the same time.
Good - I actually can work at my own pace, listen to any music I want during work. And I come back to a nice apartment, a nice meal, and I can watch any movie I want. Freedom
Bad - In Social life, it's deteriorating. I screwed up. Lonely and sad. But who can I admit it to?  I don't have close friends at work. At most are only acquaintances. Everyday, I'm afraid to socialize. I just want to be alone, which made me feel comfortable

Someday I'll miss my placement. I need to enjoy it. I don't know how but I need to.

God's work in You

In response to the previous post "Roast yourself", I think it'll be appropriate to say something positive. Yes God mentioned not to praise yourself clearly, stated in proverbs 27:2. I reckon there's nothing wrong in giving God all the praise, knowing that I couldn't achieve these without God's help and favour. God had blessed me richly, it's not who I am, but who God is. Since I got this underserved love, there's nothing I can do but to be thankful and give him praise, doing my best in everything.
Again I'll be referring to myself as Cat Cat

Yo Cat Cat
Yes although you're a jerk and asshole
You actually genuinely care for the reputation of yourself, maybe too much
You're dedicated to your duty, maybe too dedicated, and hence alienating everyone else
But you're actually a funny guy, taking jokes and giving jokes like nobody's business
Although you may never find the plus one now, but you will be the luckiest man alive if there's one coming
You're responsible, and able to perform your tasks well, as according to almost everyone
Because of your sense of duty, you have a strong determination and opinion in the ways things should be done, hence getting yourself into conflicts and drama
You're loyal to your supervisors, maybe too loyal. Hence you need to be careful
God loves you, and hence he gave lots of blessings
He gave you a rather stoic mind, to grind up results in difficult situation
He gave you knowledge
He gave you unexpected peaceful miracles
At least you tried your best to redeem yourself in the situations that you screwed up, better than doing nothing
You should know better to be able to admit your weakness
Because admitting weaknesses can be an unexpected strength
To some, you're a role model
How and Why? You probably will never know
Please keep yourself humble by reminding yourself that there's always someone better than you
You're just lucky, or blessed in a more Godly term
Although you screwed up, you still survive, albeit in awkwardness

That's all I could think of.

Roast Yourself

I might change my mind, but this is actually how I felt about myself. The society dictates that it's wrong to hate yourself, but to love yourself. Guess it's a good thinking, but to deny the fact that we can't be honest with ourselves with self-reflection, that's just wrong. I reckon it's important to have a space to let this off the chest, if not this will explode. People around me said I'm rather negative, I admit, Yes I'm rather negative. But being positive all the time, ignoring the pain and regrets might only exist in a unicorn world.
I'll be calling myself cat cat.

Yo, Cat Cat.

You think you very awesome meh?

You're such a fake person.

You don't deserve a friend.

None

You keep screwing up every friend that you ever had, every community you ever been are being screwed by you.

You are the source of all your problem.

It's all your fault.

So what if you're smart?

So what if you are the best employee?

So what if you're the top student?

Your social skills are shit anyway.

You can't blame your parents

Because they loved you very much

You can only blame yourself, wrecking up every situation

Banging into walls, taking up unnecessary shits that you've created.

Good friends turned into strangers

They used to look up to you

Until they know the real you, without the façade, without the perfection image

They got disappointed at you

Your image is gone, deteriorated.

You can't be mad, because that's who you are

Being rejected, being gossiped upon

Who would accept you

You prideful shit

You don't deserve anything good (actually a bit la haha)

Correction, you don't deserve to have a good friend, because you're a shitty friend

Selfish

Small gas

Volatile

No stability

Who do you think you are

You can't work with anyone, you're alone

The best thing for you to do is actually stay alone

Don't let people know the real you

Keep a distance to everyone

Keep a façade, hold it as long as you can

Until one day you exploded

Nobody will care

If you complain, people say you're a whinny little bitch

If you keep it to yourself, people say you're too complicated

Nothing you can do to amend the situation that you had brought yourself into

I can't recognize you anymore Cat Cat

What happened to you man

You despise everyone, thinking you're above them

You see your dad, you see yourself

There's a scar that keep scorching up

You are afraid, insecure

You are afraid to repeat the mistakes that your father made

You are afraid to hurt others like your father did

You know someday you gonna do it, because when you see your dad, you saw yourself

No, your dad is a great guy, in fact, the best in intellectual and technical stuff

Just that his emotional side got a bit wrecked, that's all

But you, realizing your problem, but couldn't do anything to stop the course of your personality

How hopeless it is

You tried too hard to impress everyone

In the end, you yourself got super tired

Tired of everyone

Tired of meeting people

You have nobody to blame but yourself

Learn to forgive others and yourself

But I know you couldn't do it without God's help

You just want to go to your own ways in life

But truthfully your life now is a time bomb, waiting to explode

It's a two sided life

It's the best times of your life as well as the worst so far

You learnt your lesson, but it's always too late

They hate you now, They keep gossiping about you now, there's nothing you can do to explain yourself, nobody will bother to listen to your rants anyway, they think it's an excuse

They love to tell you what to do because they care for you, Picking up every fault in your life and overlooking any good stuff, that's society

What are you going to do about it? Nothing

Why are you so dumb,

taking up shits that you could have avoided

But then again, God's grace is enough, no matter how wretched I think (or actually) I am. Guess the only way to respond/react to this is to look forward, learn my lesson, and try to make the right choice. And also pray.

矛盾

很矛盾，
我单身。
一部分的我很想要有伴；
另部分觉得自己不值得，不够成熟承担。
我相信每个享受都有它的代价。我付不起。我知道，不能因为孤独而想要另一半。
我学习怎么面对孤独，学习怎么淹没伤痕，学习怎么面临后悔，学习面对我对他人的伤害。
有时总觉得自己是个野兽，远离他人，以免造成伤害。
我不笨，但我的所做所为就是笨。自己拿来的，很无需的后果，就是因为幼稚。我伤害了太多人。无论如何也要爬起来面对实地际。好消息就是他人不管我的前恨，只要现实地改，就算名声再坏，也还有重新的机会。

Entitled

I do feel entitled, always.

I think everybody should give me attention
I think everybody should help me
I think everybody should care for me
I think everybody should welcome me with open arms.

The truth is, I got too used (taken them for granted)to  the hospitality and the blessings that I received,,, when they're gone, I felt voided.
I learnt a hard lesson of not getting everything I think I am entitled.

I want to be alone
I want to be left alone
I want to be socially awkward
I want to be the worst team member ever
I want to be needy
I want to be looked down upon
I want to be left out
I want to be the outsider
I want to be being judged
I want to be the useless member of the team
I want to be seemed lazy
I want to be the worst ever

So what if all these happens. It's better to accept it than to try my best to avoid it (which eventually will be counter productive). I learnt that it's all these fears that led me to depression, and being a perfectionist, that doesn't help at all.

Free fall?

Today I learnt that God loves and cares for everyone of us, even for the most wretched ones (which I consider myself as one).
True people don't change, what changes is the way we reduce the ramifications and learnt how to control ourselves.; that's about it