How Far I've gone

One year ago today, if I told myself that I'll be looking forward for the end of placement, I would not believe it.
One year ago today, if I told myself that  ______________________, I would not believe it
1. I'm living the dream in Aberdeen
2. I'm working with professionals in confidence
3. I can do more and less some small talk

The point is, I need to be grateful at where I am now, all thanks to God. It's all an unexpected peaceful miracle.
Last year, I had a slimmest hope of getting into placement. I applied for 20+ jobs, only Atkins came back, and thank God!
Since I did not deserve it, what more can I do other than to give my best and be thankful everyday.
Same with God's salvation, since we do not deserve to be alive and saved, what more can we do than to give God praise and live your life for Jesus Christ.

Lord, really, Lord, help me to put my trust in you, because I know with my own strength, I can't.
Lord, help me to do my best, and let you do the rest, and may your peace be with me.

So now, today, I have a slight depression apparently. I went online for some self diagnosis and apparently I'm categorized with mild depression. It's probably due to loneliness and lack of social interaction.

In this phase of depression, I seek for human warmth, and hence explain the increase of desperation of looking for "the one". Yet, the more I think of it, the more I reckon I'm not suitable or worth it. First of all, I know deep down I'm a selfish guy. Secondly, my personality mirrors my dad's. Growing up, witnessing how Dad's words and actions can be abusive, volatile, and hurtful; I think I'll be just like him after I'm married, hurting everybody. That's why I'm thinking that I'm never ready for any relationship, because of who I am. It's a wound that I need to resolve. I know people don't change in their core, it's the maturity in controlling oneself that changes over time.

I'm tired. I don't think I could provide the emotional need if I really got into a relationship. I took it as my fate ? Since I'm thinking like this, I should never feel jealous whenever I see happy cute couples walking around or the fact that somebody has someone to belong. Even if I feel jealous, I need to suppress it.