Proud people

Well, you might say I am jealous,, but sometimes I can't think of anything else to describe certain people's job in life:

Jealous

I'm easily jealous of other people.
I jealous a person when he or she gets all the attention.
I don't like it when people compare me with others in terms of sociability skills. They say I'll screw up if I don't have the skills. True, but I got my own way of socialising. True, it's really about whou you know in the real working society in order to climb up the ladder in careers.

I used to be the object of envy. Now I envy someone else. This is not good. Don't compare. What was I thinking. But I really need to spice up my social skills, don't I?

Oh God you lead me and guide me. Let my ways not depart from your ways. Pray for wisdom, maturity and composure, besides strong heart. Admit my own failures so the Christ's strength and miracles can be shown. It doesn't mean I'll be stupid and careless. But I'll trust God, not worry anything and do my best.

British Stereotypes

I am a Malaysian studying in UK, After hanging out with a few British people for some time, it confirmed some of the general stereotypes that I have on British people.

Hong Kong stereotypes

I am a Malaysian studying in UK, After hanging out with a few Hong Kong friends for some time, it confirmed some of the general stereotypes that I have on Hong Kong people.

And I'm suddenly reminded

Today and yesterday me and a friend went to lunch and dinner, invited by church member and Christian Union people respectively.

It really surprises me on how talkative she is, and I wonder why am I sitting through this. Then I realized, she was talking about her life testimony, to give God glory. At first, I was a bit annoyed, but then the instant understanding struck me and I begin to see why God placed me there. It's either my own deduction or the Holy Spirit put his in my heart.

So, yeah, her parents are missionaries. They have no money, yet all their children went overseas for studies, with scholarships. God really blessed them as they walk faithfully with God. It really struck me right deep down to realize that all this while, I'm not so grateful to God. It made me realized that how boastful I am in all my doings without giving glory to God.

Then, it struck me again that all these blessings are from God, we ought to give him back by blessing others, give God all the glory and let people see Jesus Christ through our life testimony. I always have this intuition, I have no idea if it's from me or from God. But somehow, this intuition led me to higher heights, there "stupid ideas" led  me to where I am now, for now.

And it made me come to think that God indeed had blessed our family. All glory to God. Yes, it's against the normal society's convention. But in the end, God's name be glorified. People will be thinking like "What for you took the hard way?" "Why would you do that stupid thing?"
But bear in mind that God's equation far exceeds our human's calculation. God's blessings are far greater than the human cost. We may not see it now, but God had prepared a mansion, treasures for us in heaven as we gather treasures in heaven, in Jesus' name. I always wanted to serve, and I committed these things to God and he did open doors, but I have to walk through the door, by his strength.

I know that I am prepared to do much greater things, through Christ who strengthens me. I have no idea where, this is still the honeymoon period.

So it's like this, God asked Dad to give up everything to follow him, and he became a pastor. Much sacrifices were made. And then, who would ever thought that his 3 children got scholarship to study in UK. People would say "well, I got the easy way and my children are in UK too! nothing to boast about" But if we see my dad's life as a single journey without comparing others, we can literally see that God's hand and miracles are working through our family. God is real. All we can do is to praise him, trust him, give everything, commit everything to him, and He will make a way, to let his name be shown to all men.

Weakest area

My weakest area, well I think it's most probably friendships and relationships. since young I don't have a what people called as "close friends " or "best buddy". It'll be a problem when people wants to live up to the convention, in the end ignoring the fact that some people are totally different. I suck at it, I got zero for hospitality, mostly zero for interpersonal skills, but high score in hard skills, skills that doesn't need to involve 2 parties

I was invited for lunch by a church member under the "adopt" student programme. In a sense that I guess their hospitality is a kind of oblige, a politeness required. But yet, I guess that's how things work out. Thank God for it! I have no idea how the future hold, I can only trust in God and do my best. Yes failures and poignant regret will sure knock on the door, it's the matter of how we face it, how we can turn it around by God's strength. It's a sad fact that we can't avoid mistakes in life and the consequences that it'll bring. But we can be assure that God is with us and through trials he wants to mould us to what he wants us to be.

I really have no idea, I am really trying my best not to speculate . My experience told me that usually the reality is totally different form my speculation. It'll be a miracle if I am to be married. I believe that the more you get to know a person, the more hurtful it'll get. I don't want to hurt people, thorough my flaws, by distancing myself, is that a good idea? I am afraid of being in close friendships, as in before we hurt each other a lot due to immaturity. I have no idea how to deal with it. Only God can help me

Boring facts about myself

It's 28th Oct 2014, these facts are pretty true up to this date

1. I love emo songs, especially emo chinese songs of Jay Chou. I can relate to Jay Chou's songs, lyrics and MVs most of the time.

2.  I have no best friend, or group of really close friends whom I can confide with, since birth. I usually confide with my family members, and it seemed that my sisters can understand me a lot, most probably because we think and act the same way.

3. I love procrastinating. Sometimes, it seemed that working or thinking of a solution in last minute yields the best results.

4. I am shy, very introvert. Yet, sometimes I think I have dual personality. I can suddenly become an outspoken person, and then suddenly become shy and over-thinking again.

5. I love working alone. The idea of having to tolerate lazy or uncooperative person in a group project pretty much make me wanna screw them up. However, I do love to work with people who have more understanding on a subject, where I can learn more things.

6. I really hate prideful people. Sometimes I think I am pretty conceited too. However, I am training myself to tolerate and accept everyone, promoting their good side and accepting their bad side. Nobody is perfect, if not; I have to hate every single person on earth. God teach us to love others, as he had loved us first.

7. I am weak, but God always see me through all obstacles. I got a scholarship because of good results, God blessed me. I can't do it, I suck at studying, but God gave me the determination and wisdom to assail the studies.

8. I love seeking attention. I love to be the center of attention. I will feel sad and despair if people don't praise me or give enough attention to me. I am still struggling to fix this part of me. I need people's agreement, people's praises, people's acknowledgement. I am very sensitive on how people look at me.

9. Every now and then, bad memories in the past, especially memories on how bad, irresponsible, immature of me to hurt others in the past.. these memories will crop up in my mind and pretty much torture me. I'll pray about it and ask God to help me to accept the past, learn from it and move on.

10. I am afraid to get too close to people. My experience taught me that once I became too close to certain people such as a best friend, I tend to hurt them verbally and mentally abuse them. That's one of the reason I am afraid to have best buddy or whatsoever, afraid that my flaws will hurt them.

11. I love drawing, music, and anything else not so sciency, Yet, I'm taking engineering as my academic career path, not sure how this will work haha

12. I do have a pretty negative stereotype on Mainland China people, Africans, fat Americans. But I have to force myself to love everyone as everyone is a masterpiece by God. We all have flaws, and we have to bear each other with love. Experience taught me that stereotyping bring more harm than good.

13. I have a soft spot for girls, the kind of girl who is mature, down to earth, special, ready to make a stand for what she believe in, remain pure although the environment is corrupted, strong in faith in Jesus, diligent, a bit of sarcasm in everything, same type of thinking as me, understanding, kind hearted. I'll not worry about my future spouse if I do have one. I don't mind not having one, it's not a good thing to marry just for the sake of marriage. If it is God's plan for me to be in a marriage, I believe that the marriage is meant to bless more people. Therefore, God will control, God will decide. I'll pray before making any moves, choices,, and let the peace of God to guide me.

Am I ready for a job?

I just received another call from an employer for bar and staff and hospitality. I mean, If I want to get a summer job, is this the best method? Honestly I was so afraid of the phone call. They asked me to have the national insurance number, reference and something else that I can not produce and bring it to them in 3 days, Such a short notice,, am I really ready for it? Commercials sucks, they portray benefits, and it;s really up to us to think about the cost and the responsibilities. Besides, the location is too far away, am I really that desperate?

I am not sure is this is God's plan for me. Call me superstitious I dont mind haha. But I really want to do things that honour God, things that God want me to do, things that God allowed me to do to grow mentally and spiritually. I didn't really think about the cost when applying for a summer job. I guess I'm not brave enough, no experience. I'm confused. If it's not meant for me, I'll probably just give up. This is the same experience when I alone too Geography in SPM. Is this what God wants me to do? Am I doing the right thing? A lot of people with seniority told me not to do it but somehow there's a "stupid" idea to take the subject. God took my misery into his testimony. In the end, I understood. 2 years of suffering is a chance to glorify God with my results. I knew if I didn't took the subject and obeyed what other people told me, I wouldn't be the top student of my state and get a scholarship to UK. See, God's plan is super good, God open the door, but we have to walk to the door. God's directions for you doesn't mean that there will be no opposition. In fact, more opposition. But God will guide you thru, his grace is enough. Sometimes I wondered why I suffer, but then I realised the vindication and the reward in the end (by God's grace) far exceeded the cost.

Now back to the job application. huh really? I am not brave, no experience in bar staff. I don't know if this is God's will for me to work in a bar. My experience is that, God's plans for me are usually unexpected, miraculous and usually come as "stupid ideas". And then by prayer and petition, and thanksgiving, the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guide me in Christ Jesus. I really wanted to do what God wanted me to do. The problem is, I don't really know. I just know that there's a stupid idea to get a summer job in UK. How? What job? I dont know.

I don't know where to go what to do. I can't get national insurance number in 3 days. Its too short notice, and I can't arrange place to stay.

I can't decide for myself whether these things are the best for me. I never thought about it. It come to the point where I hate choices involving large stakes. I want people to tell me what to do: The choice of universities, whether to apply for student exchange, whether to go UK, whether to take Geography, whether this or that. I didn't think too much when I applied, which is probably the best thing. Now suddenly I have to think for myself haiz,,,, For big thins in life, I need encouragement, families' blessings, I need prayers, I need God's approval.

Everything is possible. I know if I fail to plan, I plan to fail.
It's totally a miracle that I'm here in the UK, studying. I know God is good and his mercy endureth forever. God's will? My UK application is unexpected and miracle. I know, if I compare with others, their process is way more smooth. But is it my mistake? Is it my way of looking at things? Is it about my maturity is handling stuff. The only good thing that comes out of comparing with others is to improve myself without self-condemning or conceited with pride.

Praise God for everything! Is it too late if I don;t apply summer jobs now? But the jobs that I apply now will lead me to part time job while studying, which is not good.

I don't mind going back to Malaysia in summer, which might be the best thing. But I'm sure God has plans for me, something ultimately good, even if it might seem bad in human's sight

What God reminded me today

Today i suddenly realised (again) that I worried too much, really too much. God says "When I'm with you, who shall stand against you?"

Whatever situation that I will face, no matter what happen, as long as God is with me, I'll be ok. Even if it failed, it's still alright, for God is always in control. Trusting God is doing my best, not worrying the rest.

I am actually worried about carrer, jobs, finance, studies...etc. But God or Holy Spirit, in a small revelation, always reminded me to have the peace of heart and the peace of mind from God. The bible says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to thy own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he shall direct your path, trust and hope in the Lord" and also "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

So now God, I commit to you everything that's in my mind: Carrers, study, relationships.... etc. I know that God, when things are in your hand, whether the outcome is good or bad, you're in control. I can only do my best and commit everything to you, trusting in you, not worrying about anything. I will praise your name forever, thanksgiving to the maximum, for everything revolves around you. You are the purpose of my life. You are in my everything, Lord have your way with me.

Special Malaysians

It's the third week I'm here in the UK. Now I know that Malaysians are soooooo special.

This is especially true for Malaysian Chinese. Malaysian Chinese can speak at least 3 languages: Malay, English and Mandarin. Some can speak more than 4 dialects including Hakka, Cantonese, Hokkien, Teochew... etc. Some even can speak Tamil!

But I don't find myself belong to anywhere, though. I speak primarily in English in day to day basis in school and University, I speak Cantonese to family members. I speak Mandarin to Malaysian classmates back in high school. I speak Malay to Malay friends and other local people. I speak Hakka to my extended family. Yes, my first language is not English, but that doesn't mean I really totally can't understand what British people are saying. My Cantonese is not up to the Hong Kong students' standard, nor is my Mandarin compared to Mainland Chinese students. My English is actually Malaysian English: called Manglish, interchangeable and mutually intelligible with Singlish (Singaporean English). And British people had a hard time understanding my English because it is full of Mandarin or Malay slangs.

 That's why Malaysians are special, if we look at the positive side. We can more or less mix with any students from Caucasians to extreme Chinese cultures. On a more negative note, we belong nowhere other than ourselves.

So, it's up to us, really, if we want to mix all around or to be isolated and lonely. But note that it may take some time for Malaysians to really adjust and integrate with students from other cultures.
  OR 

Real sh*t?

This is how I feel, when the semester starts, and some other issues. I know God is with me, and he will help me, through it all, I trust in God.

Useless

So, I have been applying summer intern everywhere I can. It hits me that I am pretty useless actually. Who am I? I know, God made me awesome but right now, it's time to really write down how I actually felt.

I am facing a real serious rejection for the first time. I feel so useless. No work experience or whatsoever. I am not used to being able to take charge of what I want to do. I am used to being told what to do, putting the analytic and speculative part to either my parents and/or God. But being able to take charge right now doesn't mean I don't do what God wants me to do. God will make a way, but I have to open the door myself. He will lead me, but I have to walk. It's time for me to grow in Christian faith.

My parents chose the primary and secondary school for me. People told them that it's a bad choice but in the end, God made us excel, against people's speculations. And later on, something told me to change to a better secondary school. That feeling, it just feels right. That feeling lead me ever since. When I feel that something is meant to happen, I will follow it, no matter how stupid. For the record until now, that feeling had led me here in the UK. I feel the peace in every choice I make. If I don't have the peace, I won't do it.  That feeling, led me to apply for exchange program to USA, even though parents object against it. In the end, it's alright. That feeling, led me to do many things which I don't have the courage to do, but in the end, peace came on I can do it. Usually, for big plans which I don't have control over (like my careers), I won't expect anything. But I will trust God and do my best in trying.

Sometimes, some things are just not right. I went to singing competition when I was 11. Andddd, well, it didn't went well. But people always say "have to come out of comfort zone, try new things, don't afraid of failures, blahh blahh blahh and be what u want to be... " Well, my way of thinking is that while it is perfectly essential to take care of our disadvantages, it is absolutely recommended to do our best to sharpen and make our talents into something better by constant practice with diligence. Let's say a person is good at arts but not music. He would be better off to train more in arts. But he can also try to bang the wall by heading out into music, but without the talent, he will not go anywhere. Some say "Oh, you have to be determine... blah blah blah". But when it is not yours, it wouldn't be, no matter how much you force into it.

So the million dollar question is; am I fit to work? Should I go for summer intern? I have no idea at all. I am not qualified, as an asian and international student, my chance of getting intern is pretttttty low. It's really the real shit, but I will choose not to give up. I have to force myself to accept failure, only after I have done everything I can. I never been this desperate before. There's a thinking in my mind that goes like this:" The more you want it, the more you won't get it. The more you don't want or don't care about it, things will just get into you, naturally". You see, I didn't desperately want the exchange program, and I got it. I didn't desperately want the scholarship, and God blessed me. I didn't desperately want to study in UK, but God blessed me. Why? Because I know I have nothing to fear, nothing to lose as I always have God and he will never forsake me.

But now, should I desperately want summer intern? Desperation is not a good thing though. Ok then, I shall fly back to Malaysia in the summer. I don't mind. But, I will try to get internships if I can. Expecting nothing, remaining calm, knowing that worst come to worse, I am still ok. God is with me always. So, I shall not worry. Don't think about the consequences.

Tired of socialising

It's my second day at the uni, as an international student. I feel very tired to socialise. I understand that no friendship will last forever, everything is very temporal, I can't escape it. I may be seem to be absolutely friendly to one another today, but the next few months we probably will forget each other. What a terrible thing to do. I know I am anti-social. But all glory to God, God made me able to socialize better.

I feel super tired to meet new people. Last year I admit that I have a lot of acquaintance, but no close friends to confide at all. I kept most of the things to myself. From what I learn from the world, having some close friends are the best thing ever. But I have none, none at all. I'd rather be alone than to be with the wrong people. Usually, I need 3 months to be totally adapted to a new environment. I just so afraid of people. It's just like the USA, I can't ask for more, but God blessed me with a group of friends. Although wavelength totally different but it's ok since it's only 5 months experience. I understand that probably my relationship with my host parents will be different. Last time I went in as an exchange student, with all the pretense. Now, I will visit them as a guest, my true ugly self. Lat time we are very close, but that can be dangerous as it can make an unrealistic expectations for both parties, which could ruin our next meeting. I will go in fresh, a new, to make friends once again.

No matter what, thank God I'm here! I am content with it, yes! Anything else, it's bonus. I don't mind, but I will do my best, and give God all the glory

Crazy over money

I'm now overseas, ready for undergraduate studies. My budget is pretty tight. Now all I think about is how to get money.
This blog is becoming more pressurized since AdSense helped me to earn less than a dollar (It's true!). But I don't want to write blogs just for money, it's the passion that matters.

I shouldn't be worry about money. Working part-time is never my thing though, where can I find the courage? dude I am such a wannabe money earner.

Well, God will always provide, I have to trust in him and let him guide my ways. Commit everything unto the Lord and he will take good care of it.

chatting with your crush

yes, this is what I felt

Different story

I am concerned ( a much better word than worry but still pretty much the same thing, which is not a  good thing,, worry is sin btw) about life in UK. I am not supposed to be concerned, but human nature, the flesh, what to do. Anyway, now i came to understand that God handled all my things when in UNMC and I didn't think much before I came to UNMC. Probably partly bcoz I was preoccupied with readjustment from USA that moment.

Now, in a week I'll be off to UK, the new uni experience posed a few concerns which I never thought of to be preoccupied with.

1. Christian fellowship group
2. Group of good friends
3. Church to go to

Lord, I humbly present this requests and allow u to handle all these matters. For u said that your yoke is light, and we are to cast everything into your loving hands. Thank you Jesus and I am trully sorry for what I've done which broke your heart. You took all the punishment for sin, so that I can live. I can only live for you.

I found it hard to fight against the flesh. It's a sinful nature, and it wants to do sinful things. It's only by the Holy Spirit, with Jesus living in me that I can be victorious. Yet, time and time again, I fell into temptation. What should I do? Human determination alone is never enough, in fact barely enough. It is only through Christ that we can do all things, for his glory and purpose.

change

Seriously, i really wanted to change myself, I wanted my life to be without regrets, and without any confrontational situation with anyone. I really wanted to make peace with every single person. But it's not possible, nobody can please everyone.

I noticed a big flaw in my life. I can easily allow the past hurts, failures to affect me every now and then. Since life is all about memory, why can't I just forget about it?

I think I should focus more on God's miracles on me. Yet, sometimes I do hate myself for my personality which I am trying my best to change for the better. However, the damaged is done. What I've done will be bringing the effect to the future. But in the end, bitter sweet memory makes a life beautiful. It's not what I face, which how I deal with it, that's character.

God is teaching me not to live but what I feel, but by the word of God

Random cliche Quotes

#1. beautiful and bitter memories make a life complete

#2. Let go of the past, so you can face the future

#3. Life is all about memories, choose wisely what you want to remember

#4. You can never be perfect

#5. The more you know about a person, the shittier it gets. Either you will become better friends or less.

#6. Pretty girls are everywhere, character counts the most.

#7. 99% imperfection and 1% perfection. A 100% perfect thing is born out of 100 imperfections

#8. Values in life is important. Only a few can stay on it for long

Kajang Railway station

Kajang Railway staiton, typical day

Reflection of Flaws

After months of staying with several Christian Fellowship friends, I came to realize something very important. I got a very critical flaw.
When I am not staying with the CF people, I get to meet them probably twice a week. We chat a lot and tried our best to catch up with one another.
But when I stay with them, seeing them every single day, I begin to sense a drift between the friendship. We began to see the flaws. And yet, because my nature of wanting to attract attention and being given attention at, I feel so bad when nobody ask me how am I doing.
Yet, if I present my true self, I will not give a damn about their life. I probably will not talk to my housemates because honestly I am quite antisocial. Thinking (too much) of it, I came to realize that I enjoy hit-and-run hangout with people I don't see everyday. And I find it weird if I enjoy hangout more with other people than my own housemates. I never got a roommate or housemates, and I know that my hospitality ability is virtually zero. I am good at individuality such as music, knowledge... etc. But I pretty much suck at inter-personnel skills such as living with housemates and talking to them. Only God can show his strength through my weakness.

I am being super immature here because I act like a kid who needs attention. I enjoy being given attention at. And yet deep down I know that this is not going to work out well. How can your happiness depend on other's reaction or response? And then I told myself to be myself, not giving a shit. But that could potentially leads to drift in friendships with the housemates. I don't really care about them. When I tried to more "social" and tried my best to have more conversation with them, I found that I have nothing to talk with them, literally zero. I will naturally resort to attracting their attention, so to improve our conversation, so I thought. I sense that I lost my belief and values in life.  I thought I've changed. And yet, this weakness came creeping over my life over the years. Yes, I can feel jealous when my friend talk to another person instead of me. I thought I am over it, but yet again my nature proved me wrong.

So I thought, if I be myself, I won't give a shit about other people. If I don't be myself and be more open to conversations, I felt like not getting enough attention.

The CF people are very kind-hearted. And yet, because I lived with them for 2 months now, I can see their flaws. And yet I had to tried my best not to judge them, even if I did it already in my mind, for I am not perfect. I realized that being close to another person (other than core family members) is not my thing, well at least according to the CF people definition (did I think too much?). I got a wall, to hide some things that are not meant to be seen by others.

Well, it's time to grow up mentally and spiritually. It's like a choice between deep shit and deeper shit. To have more maturity, most probably some shitty experience is needed. When the level of maturity is attained, we still have to go through some deep shit, but we know how to handle it. and yet we wonder: does the cost of the shitty experience pays off? If we didn't go through the process of maturing, then we'll face some deeper shit. So, it's either deep shit or deeper shit, or no shit at all (in the virtual world).

It's just that my personality more or less different than other typical CF people (at least that's what I thought). I know I am not to think myself higher than other people but to bear one another with love, to emphasis on unity rather than the difference. I guess God is trying and will be teaching/disciplining me on inter-personnel skills so that I will be a better instrument to bring his glory and will be done on earth. God is molding me into something better, and yet the process may not be all pleasant. But I believe the end product is always good, because I am the clay, and God is the potter. He will make me to anything that he wants, to fulfill his purpose here on earth and all glory to God and God alone deserve all praises.

The slow process 2.0

A rant, to describe how I feel about things right now

I gave the transcript on 7 July, passport on 8 July, should be receiving offer letter and CAS latest by end of July. The education advisor told me that receiving CAS within a week should be normal.

Yet, today, I still haven't got the CAS and offer letter. And last friday they told me "Your CAS will be issued today", they lied. It made me so hopeful, but it crushed me. Two weeks I did nothing because the documents should have come haven't come. I am playing the blame game now (which is never healthy I guess). Today they told me that they haven't received my ATAS cert. I received it on 19 May, please don't tell me they delay the process just because they haven't receive ATAS cert. They should have tell me to send over the cert. I was furious. Do I have to wait until last minute to rush everything? For more than 2 weeks, I am super unproductive, in which I should be productive if the university admission team is more efficient. It made me wonder if Surrey is really the right choice, too late to turn back now. I guess I have to wait until last minute then only can apply for CAS.

But where am I forcing myself to go? It'll probably break my heart again when the thing I pursued so hard is not what i expected and the trials will just crush me instead. Next life phrase is never easy, did I became too desperate?

However, I know God is in control. Yup i'd just wait though

Beethoven's 5 Secrets - OneRepublic (Cello/Orchestral Cover) - ThePianoGuys

Today I am greatly inspired by this orchestra. It's very smoothing and much better than the modern music.

The slow process

I expected everything to be perfect, especially the timing.

But I did my best, it's not that I am not ok, but the university management is super slow

I've been waiting for the refund that suppose to come in mid July, but hmmmm
I expect unconditional offer letter and CAS letter to come last week, but lately the university is super slow. Common la, it's July 30 already, I really need the CAS letter. I so jealous when see other people so easy do everything. But comparing doesn't make things better.

Haiz,, do I have to wait until last minute to rush everything off? It's not that I'm slow, but the management team is. All I have to do is wait and let the miracle happen. It's tough to wait, but I have to train myself to wait. Taking up other people's shit,,, ahhhhhh

Reality

Honest rant: immaturity ahead hahahah!!!

I feel so sad. I accidentally locked the door from the outside without the keys. In the end, thank God that Locksmith is available at 11.30pm, and got it unlock, cost me RM80. Anyhow, it made me realised that the society will do anything, especially cheating, to make money.

I lost faith and confidence in buying stuff now. Everything made me feel cheated by the dealer. It made me feel so dumb and the dealer probably very happy that I spent a considerable amount of money unto some cheap stuff. What to do?

There's an inner voice that tells me not to count too much, let it go. Thank God for everything. I am currently looking for the best deal for eye glasses. RM300> So hurt wehhh.

Anyway, this is the road to lead me to adulthood, the real world, the real shit haha!! Sharks are everywhere for money. But I wonder if I can be the change, the salt and light of the society as Jesus commanded us to be. Maybe if I could be the one who do not conform to the society (Rom 12:2), instead, bring out love and warmth to the others. In the midst of dishonesty, even though if I am treated with dishonestly, Let God's wisdom, peace, love be with me. Thank God, yup they say I'm super honest, but I'm not sure if that's usable in the society today.

Dear Crush

I think I gonna laugh at this post hard once I get sober, or grow older! haha! Now I'm super oblivious and would just like to express what's banging on my head right now.

Maturity comes with a cost. At the end of the day, I'm wondering if the cost worth the price. It seemed like I lost something, being hurt or hurt someone else just to gain the level of composure and maturity? Is it worth it? Once it's done, it can't be undone. It's forever there, the scar, the hurt, the insult.

Yup I may had think too much, which I do most of the time, which can be good or bad. Why not just let it go and move forward? But my concept is that I gotta take heeds from it, learn from my costly mistakes. Why must I learn the hard way? Why can't I be more smart, alert and quick to learn? Yes this is part of growing up, which will last as long as I'm living on this earth. But if I gonna learn a lesson from my mistake, I gonna analyse it, without re-hurting the old scars. Some mistakes are just too costly, but that's life. Somehow I gotta force myself to learn from other's mistakes, if not, my own mistakes. I know I'm in God's hands, I know he will protect me as He is the awesome heavenly father. Yet, that doesn't mean I can be carefree and do whatever I want on this earth. I always pray that God's wisdom and peace will be with me all the days of my life. I made the mistakes, God turned the misery into a lesson, so that I can learn and grow through the trials. The trials can be self-made or externally factored.

I still can't get over a crush, somehow. It's been the 5th year now. My brain and sensible, logical, analytic thinking tells me that I should take heeds from it and not do the same mistakes again. Wait, having a crush is a mistake?  No, it's the way I handle it, that's a mistake. Wait, listening to your heart for once is a mistake? Yes and No, this is the real, cruel world, sometimes I had to sacrifice my heart's desire to follow the logical thinking. Honestly, I guess I'm the worst boyfriend/date ever if I ever gone on a date, only God can make my weakness into strength, so that his glory will be shown. haha! If I really had a crush, I should have get over the beautiful imagery feelings and get on to it by making pragmatic moves such as asking her out in my own initiative. I told myself, I want to be the one who will make the first move, for the girl. But yet, my real life story not exactly like that. I tend to like girls to crush on me so that I can feed on my ego, so childish right? I know some married couples may face this problem occasionally.

Anyways, I think she is now dating someone who is more suitable and awesome (I don't if it's true but my sixth sense is always correct so far haha ) I feel so bad because I wish that the confessions never happened, and her life would have been without that part of awkwardness and hurt. But somehow I like to get her updates haha! This is a typical situation where the heart desires overrides the brain's thinking.

I tell myself that I will only date someone whose my heart and my brain agrees together. I might not find her in my lifetime but I don't want to be married for the sake of marriage.

Well, in my imagination, she's kind-hearted, down to earth, mature, disciplined, diligent. Not sure about her weakness yet. (That's why it's called a crush) I'm sure she will never be the person I ideally expected her to be, which could lead into major disappointment. I super admit that I'm still very childish and lack of confidence, that's why if I go on a relationship now, It'll probably do more harm than good.

I'm just 19, still got a long way to go. Yet, I'm 19 already, there's no excuse that I act like a child, as now I am responsible for my own actions. Not easy to be young adult yeah?

Just went for a camp as a facilitator and realized my weakness once again. You can say I'm super negative but I just gonna be frank. My reflection tells me that I suck at communication skills and public speaking skills, lack of confidence, childish, thinks too much, likes to compare, lack of self-assertive values, emotionally unstable, volatile and inconsiderate. My positive thinking tells me that  I had to go thru some deep shit to sharpened all the mentioned weakness into strength. I believe only God can do that, he'll be with me thru the deep shits. (Even when I walk thru the valley of death, I shall not be afraid, your rod and your staff ...etc  Psalms 23). I know, in order to be a man for my lady (future lady, if any haha), I had to be the person whom she can count on for the rest of the days. Which means, stability, maturity, and a listening heart are the most majort characters that I had to beef up. I know it can't be 100% but I had to make sure I tried my best to beef it up.

World according to Malaysian 2.0

The World According to Malaysian 2014

Add caption

Might be a fun idea to do the stereotype map!

Exam

My feelings right now

What I wanted to post in Facebook, but I didn't. Better record these down as a history of my life.

3 more weeks and I'm facing exam. Honestly I know i can only do it with God's help. But if I don't study, I sure gonna fail. But how much is "Trying my best"? Am I trying my best enough? I've been procrastinating. I don't have the mood, the motivation to study. It feels so boring. But if I spend my whole day not studying, I'll feel guilty. Then, if I study too hard, I scare I become crazy. I plan to study for 12 hours a day for the next 30 days. I think I'll prioritize effectiveness and objectiveness rather than amount of time spent in one module. Spending more time studying doesn't means you gonna get good grades. Getting good grades doesn't actually mean you spent too much on it. I just don't have the mood to do it. I am thinking: Do I need to cram in my room for 1 whole month? Lacking of social contact or interactions can be catastrophic.

I know God is in control. It's not about getting through the storm, it's about looking to Jesus, trusting in him that everything is gonna be fine as he is in control. Because he is in control, we shall not worry, but to put everything under his care by prayer and thanksgiving with joy, peace. Yes, Jesus is the prince of peace. He will give us peace that transcends all understanding.

I am honestly worried about my UK application. But God stated in the bible that worrying is a sin.
 So, I shall not worry, but trust that God will give me wisdom to know what and how to apply when the time comes. Gone through ATAS, now is Exam time. After exam: Transcript, CAS, VISA, Financial affidavit, health check, interview,....etc arrrgh

Total bit*h

How to be a total bit*h

1.       Think that you are always right; be self-righteous

2.       Think that you are the prettiest girl in the world

3.       Put money and looks as priority in searching boyfriend

4.       Emphasis status than friendship

5.       Wear make up

6.       Judge others

7.       Talk about yourself all the time

   Congrats!! you are a certified bit*h

c

Study thoughts

9.29pm, Friday, 21 March 2014

Studying now. No matter how much time I spent on reading these things, I still don't understand. Yet, I can't blame the lecturer, no matter how confusing his notes or lectures might be. If I blame him, he'll say it's just an excuse I'm not working hard.

It's such a bad feeling. Such a low productivity, due to this subject. I spent the whole night trying to figure out one or two questions. And I still have alot to do. I wanted to do other stuff, not just stuck here by these 1 or 2 questions. Can't blame anyone though, time to upgrade my time management skills. Maybe I'm too comfortable with good lecturers spoon-feeding, now I had to learn to eat by my own hands. All from scratch.

I just don't get it, why this come out? Why this question must like this do one? Why you didn't at least show a relevant (not too simple) example. It will be very nice of you if you can show some of the methods in class

inner thoughts

Go ahead, laugh, I don't really mind. I'm pretty sure I myself will laugh at what I wrote, maybe 10 years later. Yup, this is how I feel at this moment. Better to write it out than to bury it I guess

I am alone, most of the time. Somehow I am not a very social person. I have a lot of acquaintances, but don't really have close friends whom I can share my thoughts with. From what I observe, My dad and Mum are something like that, sisters too! I have experienced the consequences of choosing wrong cliques before.
I dare not to conform just to join a clique or whatsoever. I am just being myself, but does that mean I have to be alone all the time? But I am sure God will make me a good friend to those beside me.

I'm just being picky. Should I sacrifice some of my values just to get some "friends"? no I don't think so. I guess I gonna be alone for this semester. But hey! Being alone doesn't mean being lonely. Sometimes being with a group of "friends" make me lonelier as I have different values than them. I understand that God created each of us as a unique person. There's no other person like me on this planet. It's up to my maturity to tolerate and bear with each other without jeopardizing my values and belief. Somehow I sometimes feel like I'm a little boy trapped in an adult body>>> Puberty!! I'm in my late teens now, should be more independent, strong and determined, isn't it? Nobody is perfect, the problem is that I am always looking for someone perfect. I have to train myself to accept the imperfection/flaws of others, and ultimately appreciate it for that's what make up their special personality. I got super-lots of flaws, seriously, alot. Alot!

Somehow I always have this crush on this person. It's the 5th year now (how unbelievable). I'm sure I am crushing on the image of her in my brain. It's not the real person, that's why it's a crush. But this crush is pretty huge. Most crushes I had last no more than 6 months, then it's gone. But this person managed to grab on to it for more than 4 years. Well, the funny thing is that I did prayed for her, that her family will receive salvation. Haha! But I know this is just a crush, there is probably no fruits to bear on the road ahead. I am not even her friend! haha! Just a casual acquaintance. If I pressed on, there's probably nothing else but failure due to immaturity. But if I let go and move on, I see myself as a total failure. She knew I had a crush on her, yet she still forgives me, and even agreed to a hangout. Somehow I gotta let it go. I'm just falling for the perfect image I made on her. But thinking back, it's pretty unusual for a crush to last more than a year. This itself is a miracle I guess. Yup, it's time to move on. I guess I started on the wrong foot, due to my immaturity. So yup, immaturity has it dire consequences. But to achieve relative maturity, one has to go through pain, failure, sacrifices. All these things are still smaller than the consequences of staying immature. But once one achieve the relative maturity, he will begin to ponder, is all these sacrifice worth it? Time will tell, and I had experienced it, yes. It is a cruel life on this fallen world. That's why I always wanted to go, back to my heavenly father.

Somehow I can't let go of the image. I am literally obsessed with her. I told myself that God will arrange a soul mate for me, if his will for me is to get married and start a family. She is special to me because she is like a "witch" outside, but inside I know she is good. Due to her special personality, many guys fall for her as well. Most of the guys, well, they are much more successful than me when it comes to relationships. I'm not saying that relationships should be based on impressing one another or comparing. I am just exploding my inner voice out to avoid catastrophe. Am I too picky? If I am gonna look for a relationship, I know I should never compare anyone with her, because "comparison" is not good for a healthy relationship. She is smart, diligent, straight-forward, strong-will, kind-hearted, mature, not conforming to the society around her, basically every personality trait which I like is in her .. yet I am not so sure about the flaws, that's why this is a crush. haha! God knows what lies ahead if I go on to this road. He will prepare the best for me, if I trust in him.

By the way, I always feel happy to see her activities on social media. haha! That's an ultimate crush level! Her character is what venus-fly-trapped me. So far, I haven't seen or known anyone like her. Probably so because she is special (everyone is special in his own ways btw ) to me. haha!! But sadly, this is a crush, an imagination. A sweet imagination. The Most realistic, optimistic outcome is that we will someday become friends and well, stay there. I'll be happy enough to be there. It's a miracle that she still accepts me for who I am, for what I've done to her (my immaturity basically ruined everything). It's always better to go through countless pain and achieve relative maturity than to stay in relative immaturity and fall into pieces.

God's Love

Hillsong did it right. The song "So you would come" had touched me deeply. Yes, God is love. He loves us very much, We're his creation.

Doesn't it make you wanna cry?

Before the world began
You were on His mind
And every tear you cry
Is precious in His eyes
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Nothing you can do
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you've done
Could make Him close the door
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Come to the Father
Though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives
He will take them all
The power of the Word
The power of His blood
Everything was done
So you would come

The Music

No Friend

Go ahead and laugh at this. I admit I'm super immature to think like this. Go ahead, laugh.

I got no friend in Uni. Most of the time I am alone. Why I don't stick to someone? I tried that before and it end up in catastrophe. I don't want my life or time to be bounded by someone else. I just want to do things in my convenience. However, I have to come to a point where I have to accept the consequences of one-man-show life. But is there a balance between self and social life? I'm sure there is. I am still learning to achieve the state where I am "individualistic yet socialized, socialized yet individualistic". This learning process is called "growing up to maturity".

Deep down I am lonely. I need a friend whom I can relate to. I am sure God has placed many wonderful people around me. I just have to adjust my selfish personality. In fact, I don't consider myself as a good friend. Only God can change me. I mean, my concept is that when I get too attached to a clique, most probably I will have to compromise some "value" to continue the stickiness. The ideal situation is that I can find a clique who has the same (or almost) interest and value in life. What's the point of hanging out with so many "friends" just to tell the whole world that "hey look I got so many friends, I'm not a loner, I'm popular, I'm accepted". In the end, if I felt that I'm not myself in the friendship, what's the point? Until I realise/found/revelation a strong friendship, I think I'm gonna be alone.

Yet, I have some people whom I can look to in troubles. I am so selfish that they only exist when I needed help.

Fear

Somehow I am fearful for the next semester. Yes it is funny for the future-me to read this post. I am just letting out what I'm feeling now.

I feel so alone honestly. Yet, I don't dare to make friends because so far nobody can "clique" with me. My CNY, honestly, is boring. But at least I got my car licence and get to spend time with granny.

I just don't know what will happen this coming semester. Sure, I am never the same again. I feel so alone when seeing my coursemates hanging out or doing stuff together. I never felt belong here. But God in his grace and mercy gave me good memories for the past 2 semesters. I just thank God for making me a good friend to others around me (if I am)

It's all about character isn't it. Put a good-character person in a shitty environment, and he will make it wonderful. No matter how good the situation is, if the person has bad character, shit will just turn out.
So, i know I can choose to be happy. Life is nothing but memories, at least that what i think. So I guess i'd just forget about the bad memories, remembering only the good?

I know friends are extremely important. But from my point of view, what's the point of making "friends" out of obligation to survive? What's the point of making "friends" which are not really friends at all. So far, I have a lot of acquaintances, but only a handful of person whom I can talk and trust to. Yet, I think my brainwave doesn't suit everyone easily. I'd just hold on to the values.

So I told myself: It's okay or it's expected for me to be alone, lonely and bored the whole semester. But by God's grace, I shall be victorious, more than a conqueror. Well, every relationship is temporal. Friends will come and go. Death will be the ultimate separator. What to do? Cherish the best out of every friendship/relationship, yet to ready to move one once the season is over. Not easy. But that's what life taught me.

I'm just getting tired. Thank God for a good semester result. I will aim for the best this coming semester. Well, it's gonna be out of my expectation.

Somehow I'm longing for a relationship, a type of friend that i can relate to, a type of friend whom I can be frank with. I know Jesus is my true friend. Yet, in worldly sense, I felt empty. There's a longing for a deep relationship with someone, who I can love. Yes, it sounds super desperate. But i super hate hypocrisy. It's like a yeast in a dough, affecting the whole thing. Yup, God will arrange my life, according to his will, in perfect timing. His works are amazing! He is to be praised forever, for he is King of Kings. So, I'd just lift up my puny life to him for his glory.

A personal prayer

Lord Jesus,

Thank you for sustaining us, the whole time. God you are faithful and just. You will never leave us nor forsake us. Lord, your abundance flows, overflowing in full measure.

Father God, if it's your will, allow me to further my study in UK, in a good university and a good course. I ask that oh God, let the process to be smooth and may your will be done, your name be glorified. I commit all these things into your hand. God, you are in control of everything single thing in my life. I commit my life unto you.

I will do my best in everything because I can do all things through Christ who strengthened me. So Lord Jesus, thank you for being with me, I know I am fine and safe as long as you are in me. Father God, thank you for the power, the grace, the mercy, the blessings that you had richly blessed me evidently.

I am a nobody. Yet you used me for your glory. Oh God, all glory goes back to you. Thank you Jesus for your guidance in my life. Lord, let your will be done in my life.

In Jesus Christ name I pray,
Amen

What I learnt from Romans chapter 8

We are slaves to sin, due to our sinful nature. No matter how hard we try to be good, doing the good deeds by our own effort we are still sinful.

Because the Law is holy, it sets the standard for us to be holy and blameless before God. Yet, because of the Law, we are conscious of sin. Without Law, we won't know sin. We can never follow the law because of our sinful nature. For example, the Law said that we shall not lied. But who on earth have never lied? When we lied, we sin. And when we sin, we can not please God, and God will banish us from his presence, because no sin shall enter heaven, and we will be doomed for hell. True, due to our sinful nature, we are doomed for hell. The punishment of sin is death (spiritual death, hell)

But the good news is, God sent Jesus to die for us. Jesus took the punishment for us by dying on the cross. When we have Jesus, we are set free from the bondage of sin. Because sin demands punishment, Jesus acts as the ultimate sacrifice for our redemption. Since Jesus took the punishment of all sins of mankind, he washed our sin. In another words, when we have Jesus in us (believing in Jesus), even though when we sin, we will still be blameless and holy before God because Jesus washed away our sins and carried our punishment. In this way, we can stand holy and blameless before the Holy God. All glory goes to Jesus.

Yet, does it mean that once we received Jesus, we can be the most sinful person on the earth. Nope. When we have Jesus in us, we will bear the Fruit of righteousness. We will do what Jesus wills for us. We will hate evil desires. The holy spirit will guide us, improving ourselves day by day.

Yet, does it mean that when we received Jesus, we have to do good works to ensure our salvation? Nope. Good works (by our own effort) can never earn merits to heaven. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. It is only by him, not by our own deeds, that we can enter the presence of God. The good works is a symptom, a fruit, an evidence that Jesus Christ is living is us. 

No Jesus, no redemption of sin, no eternal life.

Got Jesus, got redemption of sin, got life.

Know the truth: We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (the standard of God). The greatest news is that Jesus had redeemed all of us through his death. All we need to do is to believe in Jesus to receive eternal life. What a wonderful news! He is the savior of mankind.

So, if it happens that you are reading this (although probably no one will be reading this), it will be nice to receive Jesus now if you haven't. There's no rituals needed, just belief. You are just a step away from receiving God's love and the freedom from sin's bondage. You can read this prayer:

Lord Jesus,

Sorry Lord for the wrongs that I've done

Come into my heart,

be my Lord and savior

I believe you have washed away my sins and gave me new life

I receive this new life now

Thank you Lord for changing me

From now on I will live for you

In Jesus' Christ name I pray,

Amen.

That's it! It is highly recommended that you find and settle in a local church to grow your faith and understandings. Remember, Christianity (as a religion) can't save mankind. It is only by having Jesus in our heart that we are saved and set free.

So, strictly speaking, this is not a Christian-related post. But this is all about Jesus' amazing love for us.

To find out more about Jesus, you can read the book of John as a start.

Emo again

It's almost 4 years now, I still haven't grow up. I still haven't learn the meaning, I am still stuck in early teen's mindset. I'm still in the state of curiosity. I have not grown in maturity. I still have a super-huge crush on the most special person I met so far. Yet, I barely even knew her. We are not even acquaintance. Yet, somehow, or miraculously, I have fallen for her. why? I don't really know. I think I am falling with the image of her, the expectation of her in my mind. I am not falling for the real her. Yet, I know her personality well. She is kind, straight-forward. I like her attitude very much. Nobody struck me like she did before.

But now, I think it's time to grow up I have to say goodbye to the infatuation feelings. I have to give up the "sweet fake imagination fantasy" for the real world.

It would be a miracle if we ever be friends.