So far all I applied, all I've worked for, it's all futile. Rejection after rejection, I wonder if it's worth my energy to try again
Again and again
I am not a planner. I am not the kind of people described in those motivation talks. To plan the dream and work towards goals. In fact, I don't have goals at all. I just live life as how it brings me. They say this kind of mindset will lead me into failure. Yes, it will. But somehow God's grace is still sufficient, more than enough. Time and Time again he brought me out. In fact, I hate planning my life, I just do my best and allow God to lead me.
Peace, Miracle, unexpectedness
This is the first time in my life that I actually plan for something to happen. Before that, it's all by miracle.
I didn't plan to go to a good school, suddenly God put me there [If i stayed on I'll not be able to thrive in a good environment]
I didn't plan to get state scholarship, God blessed me. [In fact I failed all other scholarships]
I didn't plan my life after SPM, God blessed me with an opportunity to USA [In fact if I didn't go USA, I'll be useless in Malaysia]
I didn't plan to go UK, God blessed me. [In fact if I didn't go UK, I won't learn that much in life]
It's all a bonus to me. I didn't plan, it just popped out. Praise God
Even my last summer part time job is a miracle. [I failed all applications. If I got other jobs, I don't have the flexibility and the food!]
So, what I will expect is:
1. Total failure in all job applications
2. Total envy of others getting jobs seemingly easily, And they tell me what to do :(
3. Total exhaustion and wait until last minute before something happen
4. Might not happen to have a placement, but at least I gave my best
5. It's either die without trying or die with at least a sense of morality, trying hard
Most importantly, I commit all these into God's hands. His got his plans for me. I know it for sure. May his will be done.
Wednesday 2 December 2015
Thursday 26 November 2015
How I feel when my job application is rejected
[some sentences may be written in Manglish/Singlish]
Bad, very bad.
So far, I've applied for 15 placement positions, and I kena rejected by 5 companies, early stages.
You know how sucks it felt?
Quite bad
Aiya, so mafan lah apply here apply there, spend hours tailoring an application and then kena rejected just like that,
It's too damn competitive I understand, nothing I can do.
They basically say I'm not good enough, we need someone better
I just need a placement
I know it's impossible
May God's will be done, and may this be a testimony to him. Many people will get it, but I want this story to bring him glory.
In the end, it's how I remember that mattered, not how I compared to others
I learnt my lesson: never expect anything from this. No expectation = happy
Feel quite hopeless now, nobody wants me???? Seeing other students so easily get placement made me wonder if I'm qualified to be a "Talented Brain-Drained Personnel". HAHAHAHA probably not.
[Unrelated Content]
let's get back to the poop hole and be bombarded by endless racist comments by the mindless politicians. And not to forget the stupid policies and low mentality people being the majority. It will probably get worse with the foreign bad influences. It is a perfect, prospective place if one is ignorant of all the problems though. It's so sad, an awesome potential wasted into some poop hole, with politicians' greed ruling the mindless people. I have no idea what to do, what to think, what to hope for.
The only silver lining is the food, that's about it.
Bad, very bad.
So far, I've applied for 15 placement positions, and I kena rejected by 5 companies, early stages.
You know how sucks it felt?
Quite bad
Aiya, so mafan lah apply here apply there, spend hours tailoring an application and then kena rejected just like that,
It's too damn competitive I understand, nothing I can do.
They basically say I'm not good enough, we need someone better
I just need a placement
I know it's impossible
May God's will be done, and may this be a testimony to him. Many people will get it, but I want this story to bring him glory.
In the end, it's how I remember that mattered, not how I compared to others
I learnt my lesson: never expect anything from this. No expectation = happy
Feel quite hopeless now, nobody wants me???? Seeing other students so easily get placement made me wonder if I'm qualified to be a "Talented Brain-Drained Personnel". HAHAHAHA probably not.
[Unrelated Content]
let's get back to the poop hole and be bombarded by endless racist comments by the mindless politicians. And not to forget the stupid policies and low mentality people being the majority. It will probably get worse with the foreign bad influences. It is a perfect, prospective place if one is ignorant of all the problems though. It's so sad, an awesome potential wasted into some poop hole, with politicians' greed ruling the mindless people. I have no idea what to do, what to think, what to hope for.
The only silver lining is the food, that's about it.
Thursday 19 November 2015
Job applications
I've been applying for placements, so far I'm facing many trials
Rejection basically means a company says to you:" you're not good enough, get lost, we don't want you, you suck"
Ouch, they're saying I'm not good enough for them, I 'll have to prove them wrong, maybe they're right, then I'll have to improve
What a tough life
Rejection basically means a company says to you:" you're not good enough, get lost, we don't want you, you suck"
Ouch, they're saying I'm not good enough for them, I 'll have to prove them wrong, maybe they're right, then I'll have to improve
What a tough life
Saturday 17 October 2015
My feelings when applying for jobs
I am applying for placement jobs
Here are some of my thoughts:
1. It is like writing a good essay
2. But it is mostly bull crap
3. I have to twist and squeeze my brain juice
4. It's more like an English essay competition
5. The questions are actually stupid
6. The most suitable person will probably have lower chance to get the job compared to a bull crapping person
Here are some of my thoughts:
1. It is like writing a good essay
2. But it is mostly bull crap
3. I have to twist and squeeze my brain juice
4. It's more like an English essay competition
5. The questions are actually stupid
6. The most suitable person will probably have lower chance to get the job compared to a bull crapping person
Friday 25 September 2015
Tuesday 22 September 2015
Stress
I feel stressed like sh*t,
the prospect of being a team member in one of the fellowships, in an uncomfortable zone, drain the energy 100% out of me
It is like being dragged along by the neck, through rocky, steep mountain slopes, Or crushed by 1000 tonnes of stone, or just being buried in the ground, face down.
The prospect or the certainty of facing major rejections in applying for placement year, the prospect of going back to Malaysia, the prospect of being stretched - out of comfort zone, the prospect of forcibly being extrovert when I'm not, the prospect of "why the heck did i joined the Hong Kong ppl"
All these really stressed the sh*t out of me
recently I'm rejected for a scholarship. I guess it't the beginning of rejection.
Let God's will be done, on earth as it is in heaven
God is in control
Do my best, expect nothing, let God do the rest
God's ways are higher (Isaiah)
Stressed weh, my dad just sent me an email detailing a common story of how wishful Malaysians who wanted to migrate abroad got dragged back to Malaysia, to fulfil God's plan and purposes. God closed the doors of Hannah Yeoh in Australia so that she can come back to Malaysia to serve as a Member of Parliament.
Am I Joseph/Daniel or Moses? Do I stay or go back? God wants me to stay or back? I have no idea and I really don't want to go against the Lord
God, I'm open to anything, as long as you are with Me
Amen
the prospect of being a team member in one of the fellowships, in an uncomfortable zone, drain the energy 100% out of me
It is like being dragged along by the neck, through rocky, steep mountain slopes, Or crushed by 1000 tonnes of stone, or just being buried in the ground, face down.
The prospect or the certainty of facing major rejections in applying for placement year, the prospect of going back to Malaysia, the prospect of being stretched - out of comfort zone, the prospect of forcibly being extrovert when I'm not, the prospect of "why the heck did i joined the Hong Kong ppl"
All these really stressed the sh*t out of me
recently I'm rejected for a scholarship. I guess it't the beginning of rejection.
Let God's will be done, on earth as it is in heaven
God is in control
Do my best, expect nothing, let God do the rest
God's ways are higher (Isaiah)
Stressed weh, my dad just sent me an email detailing a common story of how wishful Malaysians who wanted to migrate abroad got dragged back to Malaysia, to fulfil God's plan and purposes. God closed the doors of Hannah Yeoh in Australia so that she can come back to Malaysia to serve as a Member of Parliament.
Am I Joseph/Daniel or Moses? Do I stay or go back? God wants me to stay or back? I have no idea and I really don't want to go against the Lord
God, I'm open to anything, as long as you are with Me
Amen
Thursday 17 September 2015
Wednesday 16 September 2015
What I learnt from working
This is my experience, working in food service industry
1. There will be arseholes, like really bad and rude attitude: Proud, arrogant, busy body, just arse
2. There will be people who worked like horse and still not being paid deservingly
3. You are new, you will be blamed for everything, even if you didn't do anything wrong. Anything goes wrong, your fault. No time for explanation. Nobody cares your side of the story
4. There will be people telling you what to do, bossing around (even if they're technically the same level as you)
5. There will be racism
6. Language barrier is a big problem
7. By God's grace there will be someone who will look after you, making sure you are okay
8. You will be exploited
9. The only solace is the wages
10. There will be gossips, backstabbing and betrayal,, in order to climb the ladder
1. There will be arseholes, like really bad and rude attitude: Proud, arrogant, busy body, just arse
2. There will be people who worked like horse and still not being paid deservingly
3. You are new, you will be blamed for everything, even if you didn't do anything wrong. Anything goes wrong, your fault. No time for explanation. Nobody cares your side of the story
4. There will be people telling you what to do, bossing around (even if they're technically the same level as you)
5. There will be racism
6. Language barrier is a big problem
7. By God's grace there will be someone who will look after you, making sure you are okay
8. You will be exploited
9. The only solace is the wages
10. There will be gossips, backstabbing and betrayal,, in order to climb the ladder
Thursday 10 September 2015
My thoughts on Migrant crisis in Europe
For some reason, this issue attracted my immense attention. I would search for news about it almost everyday for the past few weeks. I will read almost every major and tabloid news, especially the comments section where I can understand how the general netizens think.
If I am a white Briton born in the UK, I would probably be high on nationalism right now. I will fight all the way to preserve the British culture in the UK, stopping immigrants from taking over our jobs and altering our beloved culture and Christian heritage. But no, I'm just a Malaysian student studying in the UK. This essay is written based on what I saw on the news and reflect upon.
Since the implementation of the Schengen area, EU citizens are experiencing the highest level of freedom in movement than ever. The abolishment of border control between Schengen countries has revolutionized the lifestyle of average Europeans in terms of travelling.
According to the Schengen area visa requirements, citizens from countries like Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, Iran, Eritrea, Libya, Nigeria...etc have to obtain a visa prior entering the Schengen countries. However, the European Union has a generous policy for refugees and asylum applicants. Refugees are entitled to apply for asylum. However, one should note the difference between refugee and migrant. By definition, refugees are people who are escaping from war and instability. Migrants are people moving from place to place.
The sad thing is that, I reckon most UK citizens (or at least from DailyMail keyboard warriors) generalised that migrants are Muslims, illegal, scoundrels, benefits claimers and are here to steal jobs and destroy the British culture. There is a distinctive difference between illegal migrants and legal migrants. Not all migrants are Muslims; not all migrants are illegal, not all migrants are scoundrels; you get the point.
The funny thing about UK is that any person from EU can come to UK to look for job and to stay indefinitely. In other words, any idiot from EU can stay as long as they wish in the UK. On the other hand, non-EU citizens have to go through strict work visa application in order to stay in the UK for a maximum of 5 years. Hence, some of the brightest talents are not even allowed to enter UK. You will get the picture that UK in a sense that is open to idiots in EU and rejecting bright minds across the globe. Comparing the immigration policy of Australia, USA and UK, it is obvious that Australia and USA are more welcoming towards highly-skilled workers compared to UK. Australia and USA are fair in terms of immigration policy. No matter where you're from, as long as you're talented, you're more than welcome to work in Australia/USA and contribute to the economy. In UK, it is more biased towards EU citizens. Hence, even highly skilled workers from USA, Canada, Australia find it difficult to obtain a work permit just because these countries are not in the EU.
Back to the refugee/migrants issue. A true refugee will seek refuge in safe country. They will flee from countries of wars to countries with peace. Hence, true refugees will be more than happy to stay, apply for asylum, start a new life in any safe countries. But why are these "refugees" are forcing their way to Germany? Isn't Greece and Italy or Hungary safe? They resorted to breaking the law, riot, violence and protest in order to exercise their "right" of getting free food, shelter and passage to Germany. No, these are not refugees. These are economic illegal migrants. Strictly speaking, refugee status only apply to people fleeing from wars in Eritrea and Syria. The migrants from Pakistan, Afghanistan, Libya, Nigeria...etc are economic in nature. They came over to Europe for better opportunities in life and wealth. It is easier to get into Europe as a refugee than being an average worker trying to obtain a work permit. This crisis has offered the economic migrants a backdoor to enter Europe easily without having to meet the requirements as any work permit applicants do. If I'm from Pakistan, I will see this as a great opportunity to get into Europe (especially Germany) easily without having to go through all the tedious and strict visa applications. I'll just throw my passport away and fake myself as a Syrian.
I know I am so cold hearted with regards to the migrant crisis. It is undeniable that many lives have been lost in searching for a greener pasture. If only the government of every country curbs the illegal activities of human smugglers into Europe.
These are a few suggestions on How UK can respond to the migrant crisis:
1. Get out of European Union. The quota allocation of refugee as suggested by Germany's chancellor will only bring more harm than good.
2. Apply similar immigration policy as Australia and USA. This will lead to economic growth as only the brightest and highly-skilled migrants are able to come in and work. Brain gain is good for any country, especially UK.
3. Strengthen the border control. Any intruders from Calais will be prosecuted and locked up. (it sounds cruel but I think that will give a clear message to would-be illegal immigrants)
4. Above all, don't take in "refugees", Take only real refugees. But be careful on the numbers taken, because I am sure that there will be endless influx of "refugees" into Europe.
These are a few suggestions on How EU can respond to the migrant crisis:
1. Strengthen the borders please. When the borders are impenetrable by pathetic law-breaking "refugees", they will stop coming in large numbers, eventually.
2. Build more UN refugee camps across the middle east and africa. I believe it is better than providing benefits, shelter, jobs for 800,000. Dealing with the root of the problem is the cure.
3. Stop the war in the middle east. End of war=no more refugees. Kurdistan a country. No more ISIS, division of land according to Islamic sects, stop blaming Israel for every bad occurance...etc. But I think this is never feasible.
I just hope for the best for UK. You are in my prayers.
If I am a white Briton born in the UK, I would probably be high on nationalism right now. I will fight all the way to preserve the British culture in the UK, stopping immigrants from taking over our jobs and altering our beloved culture and Christian heritage. But no, I'm just a Malaysian student studying in the UK. This essay is written based on what I saw on the news and reflect upon.
Since the implementation of the Schengen area, EU citizens are experiencing the highest level of freedom in movement than ever. The abolishment of border control between Schengen countries has revolutionized the lifestyle of average Europeans in terms of travelling.
According to the Schengen area visa requirements, citizens from countries like Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, Iran, Eritrea, Libya, Nigeria...etc have to obtain a visa prior entering the Schengen countries. However, the European Union has a generous policy for refugees and asylum applicants. Refugees are entitled to apply for asylum. However, one should note the difference between refugee and migrant. By definition, refugees are people who are escaping from war and instability. Migrants are people moving from place to place.
The sad thing is that, I reckon most UK citizens (or at least from DailyMail keyboard warriors) generalised that migrants are Muslims, illegal, scoundrels, benefits claimers and are here to steal jobs and destroy the British culture. There is a distinctive difference between illegal migrants and legal migrants. Not all migrants are Muslims; not all migrants are illegal, not all migrants are scoundrels; you get the point.
The funny thing about UK is that any person from EU can come to UK to look for job and to stay indefinitely. In other words, any idiot from EU can stay as long as they wish in the UK. On the other hand, non-EU citizens have to go through strict work visa application in order to stay in the UK for a maximum of 5 years. Hence, some of the brightest talents are not even allowed to enter UK. You will get the picture that UK in a sense that is open to idiots in EU and rejecting bright minds across the globe. Comparing the immigration policy of Australia, USA and UK, it is obvious that Australia and USA are more welcoming towards highly-skilled workers compared to UK. Australia and USA are fair in terms of immigration policy. No matter where you're from, as long as you're talented, you're more than welcome to work in Australia/USA and contribute to the economy. In UK, it is more biased towards EU citizens. Hence, even highly skilled workers from USA, Canada, Australia find it difficult to obtain a work permit just because these countries are not in the EU.
Back to the refugee/migrants issue. A true refugee will seek refuge in safe country. They will flee from countries of wars to countries with peace. Hence, true refugees will be more than happy to stay, apply for asylum, start a new life in any safe countries. But why are these "refugees" are forcing their way to Germany? Isn't Greece and Italy or Hungary safe? They resorted to breaking the law, riot, violence and protest in order to exercise their "right" of getting free food, shelter and passage to Germany. No, these are not refugees. These are economic illegal migrants. Strictly speaking, refugee status only apply to people fleeing from wars in Eritrea and Syria. The migrants from Pakistan, Afghanistan, Libya, Nigeria...etc are economic in nature. They came over to Europe for better opportunities in life and wealth. It is easier to get into Europe as a refugee than being an average worker trying to obtain a work permit. This crisis has offered the economic migrants a backdoor to enter Europe easily without having to meet the requirements as any work permit applicants do. If I'm from Pakistan, I will see this as a great opportunity to get into Europe (especially Germany) easily without having to go through all the tedious and strict visa applications. I'll just throw my passport away and fake myself as a Syrian.
I know I am so cold hearted with regards to the migrant crisis. It is undeniable that many lives have been lost in searching for a greener pasture. If only the government of every country curbs the illegal activities of human smugglers into Europe.
These are a few suggestions on How UK can respond to the migrant crisis:
1. Get out of European Union. The quota allocation of refugee as suggested by Germany's chancellor will only bring more harm than good.
2. Apply similar immigration policy as Australia and USA. This will lead to economic growth as only the brightest and highly-skilled migrants are able to come in and work. Brain gain is good for any country, especially UK.
3. Strengthen the border control. Any intruders from Calais will be prosecuted and locked up. (it sounds cruel but I think that will give a clear message to would-be illegal immigrants)
4. Above all, don't take in "refugees", Take only real refugees. But be careful on the numbers taken, because I am sure that there will be endless influx of "refugees" into Europe.
These are a few suggestions on How EU can respond to the migrant crisis:
1. Strengthen the borders please. When the borders are impenetrable by pathetic law-breaking "refugees", they will stop coming in large numbers, eventually.
2. Build more UN refugee camps across the middle east and africa. I believe it is better than providing benefits, shelter, jobs for 800,000. Dealing with the root of the problem is the cure.
3. Stop the war in the middle east. End of war=no more refugees. Kurdistan a country. No more ISIS, division of land according to Islamic sects, stop blaming Israel for every bad occurance...etc. But I think this is never feasible.
I just hope for the best for UK. You are in my prayers.
Wednesday 2 September 2015
Honest Thoughts of the day
I knew I am so wrong for thinking like this and not grateful. I knew I should focus on the bright side, I knew I should be more positive and don't be too concerned about self-image
I am feeling more and more unhappy at work. I got this job because they are desperate for more people in the store and they happen to find me. That's it. I get blamed for most of the wrong things that I didn't do (although some I did do accidentally haha)
I feel very bad, low self-esteem, why? Because most of my friends are engaged in pretty professional internships, while I'm doing this job, serving food.
Worst part is that I have to face the people I know, I really hate it. I really want to separate my work, friends and studies. But in most cases, they will overlap. And the less worst part is, the coworkers all speak Korean. The manager don't like me because I'm stubborn (and probably I got face problem), and I don't work on Sundays.
Then, got one worker I particular don't really like, because he likes to screw me, for small little reason. I don't know why probably I'm chinese hahaha. Most of the time I did nothing wrong on principle, but he will still screw me for blocking his way, not doing things according to his ways etc. To be honest, I don't like to cuss but this guy made me think that all Korean men are arseholes. Probably I'm an arsehole to them as well haha. Don't know la, but I really don't like him hahaha. He likes to screw me, that's the breaking point and that's the moment I realized I need to quit. Because I'm not happy.
I don't like the fact that I can't understand what they say, especially when I know they're talking about me.
I hate meeting the people I know in the restaurant, it made me feel so bad. I don't want them to see me in a 狼狈 situation. I got my ego, I don;t want to be seen working in this menial job hahahaha. But that's not fair to my coworkers. I need to be proud of where I'm working. Hence, I should be more positive and receptive.
Hong kies,, haiz. Why did I decided to join them. Now 2 hong kies will come back early. And Hong kies have the reputation to look down on people and comment like shitty negatively. YEP Hong Kong is the best, and Hong kies are the smartest. When they see me working serving them, I will feel very very weird, seriously. In fact, I will feel very awkward to respond to their surprise. Yes, I stay over the summer just to work in this shitty job, yes I'm screwed. I'm not in some good ass internship because I stupid, happy? It is super weird for me to see myself in a fastfood restaurant outfit, serving my friends. Super awkward and weird (because I looked down on this occupation)
The only good part from this job is that I'm able to get some money, and occupy myself for the summer. That's about it I guess. I have to get over the fact that I'm doing this job. I have to thank God for the opportunity in this job.
I can't wait for the last day of my job, and ,... Freedom! End of slavery ahaha. But I 'll miss the money.. hmmmm
Tuesday 25 August 2015
Sunday 23 August 2015
Saturday 22 August 2015
Should I continue working after the summer?
I'm in dilemma
Yes,
Should be no problem if I only work in the morning
Malaysian Ringgit is dropping, so I need money
More expenses will be made for the next coming year (accommodation and hangout )
No,The company might force me to work on Sat and Sun, which is a big NO from me
I need to focus in studies
I scare people will look down on me
Korean working ethics and attitude can sometimes scare me out, and some of their English language skills are at minimal, so I can't and they can't really express out what we actually wanna communicate
Verdict:
Get another source of income without jeopardizing my sat/Sun
Yes,
Should be no problem if I only work in the morning
Malaysian Ringgit is dropping, so I need money
More expenses will be made for the next coming year (accommodation and hangout )
No,The company might force me to work on Sat and Sun, which is a big NO from me
I need to focus in studies
I scare people will look down on me
Korean working ethics and attitude can sometimes scare me out, and some of their English language skills are at minimal, so I can't and they can't really express out what we actually wanna communicate
Verdict:
Get another source of income without jeopardizing my sat/Sun
Wednesday 19 August 2015
Diary of thoughts
I have been working during the summer, as a fast food restaurant worker.
Should I be proud of it?
hahaha
My friends all have professional work during the summer, like lawyer, bank interns, etc
Me? In a restaurant! hahaha
but anyways, I learnt alot during the work.
However, it's an all korean working environment, and not so friendly as well. I get traumatized everytime I work there, because misunderstandings sure will happen, very very stressed up indeed. They don't care
Some more I don't speak korean, and some of their english really sucks (not that I'm good haha),
I don' understand why they acted that way until like just now I research abit about racism in South Korea. Apparently, it's very deeply rooted in the society. South Korean men are mostly (men first) ideologically minded, And Koreans in general hate Chinese and Japanese, due to history. They also look down on other nationalities due to the economic might of south Korea. Koreans in UK, especially the older generation, don't really want, or need to learn English. In an area in London known as New Malden, high concentration of Korean owned business made it unnecessary for Koreans to learn English if they live in that area.
Or maybe it's my face problem? I faced a lot of problems, stigmas and even verbal abuse from them. Not speaking Korean is a big disadvantage. Aiks.
Sometimes I feel like I will be raped everytime I go work. Raped by middle aged person with emotional abusive words and racism.
My biggest fear isn't actually the work, but it's the fact that I will face lots of familiar faces when I serve customers. I hate seeing familiar faces. The biggest challenge for me is to actually face the people I know and serve them food, I really hated it. I really really hated it. What to do? Why? Probably because I'm ashamed of this job. I shouldn't be.
Worst case scenario is that the snobbish poeple I know saw me being told off or scolded in the restaurant hahaha
I know God is with me
Should I be proud of it?
hahaha
My friends all have professional work during the summer, like lawyer, bank interns, etc
Me? In a restaurant! hahaha
but anyways, I learnt alot during the work.
However, it's an all korean working environment, and not so friendly as well. I get traumatized everytime I work there, because misunderstandings sure will happen, very very stressed up indeed. They don't care
Some more I don't speak korean, and some of their english really sucks (not that I'm good haha),
I don' understand why they acted that way until like just now I research abit about racism in South Korea. Apparently, it's very deeply rooted in the society. South Korean men are mostly (men first) ideologically minded, And Koreans in general hate Chinese and Japanese, due to history. They also look down on other nationalities due to the economic might of south Korea. Koreans in UK, especially the older generation, don't really want, or need to learn English. In an area in London known as New Malden, high concentration of Korean owned business made it unnecessary for Koreans to learn English if they live in that area.
Or maybe it's my face problem? I faced a lot of problems, stigmas and even verbal abuse from them. Not speaking Korean is a big disadvantage. Aiks.
Sometimes I feel like I will be raped everytime I go work. Raped by middle aged person with emotional abusive words and racism.
My biggest fear isn't actually the work, but it's the fact that I will face lots of familiar faces when I serve customers. I hate seeing familiar faces. The biggest challenge for me is to actually face the people I know and serve them food, I really hated it. I really really hated it. What to do? Why? Probably because I'm ashamed of this job. I shouldn't be.
Worst case scenario is that the snobbish poeple I know saw me being told off or scolded in the restaurant hahaha
I know God is with me
Thursday 30 July 2015
Thursday 23 July 2015
Wednesday 22 July 2015
Tuesday 21 July 2015
Worst Expectation
In my life, I usually picture the worst case scenario, get a plan to know how to deal with it, and resulting in a fearless encounter with the situation.
Last summer I didn't expect things turned sour after I stayed with a friend. I shouldn't think too much, should I?
The problem:
I don't think I'm mature enough to be a committee member in a Uni society
I don't think I'm physically and emotionally strong enough to work in a restaurant.
I don't think I'm mature enough to be in a worship team, or integrating with the ang moh.
Worst case:
Be a joker in the group and contribute nothing haha
I'm fired and sour relationship with everyone haha
Be a praise-getting chinese bloody guy.
But whatever it is. I don't mind, I'm ready for it. But that doesn't mean I want it.
tough life la
Whatever the problem is , God is with me. He will guide me. He is ever greater than the problem. All glory to him. I can;t do it but he can. I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me. Thank you God
Last summer I didn't expect things turned sour after I stayed with a friend. I shouldn't think too much, should I?
The problem:
I don't think I'm mature enough to be a committee member in a Uni society
I don't think I'm physically and emotionally strong enough to work in a restaurant.
I don't think I'm mature enough to be in a worship team, or integrating with the ang moh.
Worst case:
Be a joker in the group and contribute nothing haha
I'm fired and sour relationship with everyone haha
Be a praise-getting chinese bloody guy.
But whatever it is. I don't mind, I'm ready for it. But that doesn't mean I want it.
tough life la
Whatever the problem is , God is with me. He will guide me. He is ever greater than the problem. All glory to him. I can;t do it but he can. I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me. Thank you God
I am scared of what people think
I am working now, at least what I thougt. I am working as a team member in one of the japanese takeaway.
At first, I was so depressed. Looking at the uniform, I'm thinking like : wow, I'm a just nobody working in a hopeless restaurant.
It's not easy. I'm scolded for being too slow. Then, for the things i didn't do, i get scolded as well. Haha that's the life of a trainee. I made a lot of mistakes, nobody teach me, and I get told off a lot of times. Their English is not that good, so sometimes I get misunderstood. But I really thank God that they are still patient with me.
Now i am worry (or concerned) about my volunteering at the hospice. I would really love to volunteer. However, if i work on Saturdays, I will not be able to.
They might just kick me off. Sad, I need the volunteering thing.
Another matter that bug me is that, most of the people I know are working during the summer. All of them (or most of them) are back to their own country.
I choose to stay back (it's a gamble). Thank God for the job (if i'm still not being fired)
My Malaysian friends are back with summer job, most of which are very professional internships. While I'm here as a waiter haha. So unprofessional. haha
What will they think about me?
Im gonna break down. I think too much. I scared to grow up. I still wanna sulk in my own comfort zone. Playing drums? Pride? Maturity? Composure?
I'm gonna freak out sooner or later.
To be honest, I can't face them. I can;t tell everyone that I worked for a restaurant. I'm ashamed. But I know I shouldn't be. I should be proud of it.
Yes I sucked, they are so great. They worked in good companies, good jobs, I worked like shit haha.
Yup, I have to accept the fact that I'm a loser
cry cry, nobody needs me huh huh.
Then I will have to up my confidence and look for a placement this coming september. I'm crushed, like a grinder. Ouch
What am I afraid of?
I am afraid of people saying that I'm useless. I still can't accept the fact that I'm working in a restaurant. I'm afraid of being told off by senior members of the staff in front of the people I know. That really sucks. I dunno what I am getting myself into.
But I know what i need to do, acceptance. Accepting to be ok even if church members or anyone else that I know popping up at the takeaway. Accepting that I'm working in a so called "low class" job as reckoned by the ang moh (haha).
But I am happy with the job. I personally enjoyed it. Just afraid of what people might say. My family supports me, so it's fine.
Thank You God. God help me to be humble. Amen.
At first, I was so depressed. Looking at the uniform, I'm thinking like : wow, I'm a just nobody working in a hopeless restaurant.
It's not easy. I'm scolded for being too slow. Then, for the things i didn't do, i get scolded as well. Haha that's the life of a trainee. I made a lot of mistakes, nobody teach me, and I get told off a lot of times. Their English is not that good, so sometimes I get misunderstood. But I really thank God that they are still patient with me.
Now i am worry (or concerned) about my volunteering at the hospice. I would really love to volunteer. However, if i work on Saturdays, I will not be able to.
They might just kick me off. Sad, I need the volunteering thing.
Another matter that bug me is that, most of the people I know are working during the summer. All of them (or most of them) are back to their own country.
I choose to stay back (it's a gamble). Thank God for the job (if i'm still not being fired)
My Malaysian friends are back with summer job, most of which are very professional internships. While I'm here as a waiter haha. So unprofessional. haha
What will they think about me?
Im gonna break down. I think too much. I scared to grow up. I still wanna sulk in my own comfort zone. Playing drums? Pride? Maturity? Composure?
I'm gonna freak out sooner or later.
To be honest, I can't face them. I can;t tell everyone that I worked for a restaurant. I'm ashamed. But I know I shouldn't be. I should be proud of it.
Yes I sucked, they are so great. They worked in good companies, good jobs, I worked like shit haha.
Yup, I have to accept the fact that I'm a loser
cry cry, nobody needs me huh huh.
Then I will have to up my confidence and look for a placement this coming september. I'm crushed, like a grinder. Ouch
What am I afraid of?
I am afraid of people saying that I'm useless. I still can't accept the fact that I'm working in a restaurant. I'm afraid of being told off by senior members of the staff in front of the people I know. That really sucks. I dunno what I am getting myself into.
But I know what i need to do, acceptance. Accepting to be ok even if church members or anyone else that I know popping up at the takeaway. Accepting that I'm working in a so called "low class" job as reckoned by the ang moh (haha).
But I am happy with the job. I personally enjoyed it. Just afraid of what people might say. My family supports me, so it's fine.
Thank You God. God help me to be humble. Amen.
Thursday 2 July 2015
I got a job, or haven't not ?
So, I worked 50+ hours for a restaurant.
Honestly I still consider myself not part of it.
They didn't send me email for job rotas, or my available time for work shifts.
And the manager hasn't even send in my details to the HQ although I keep reminding her. I don't think I will be paid though
Sad. So many walls
Thank you God for everything, I'll trust in you and i'll not be worry
Honestly I still consider myself not part of it.
They didn't send me email for job rotas, or my available time for work shifts.
And the manager hasn't even send in my details to the HQ although I keep reminding her. I don't think I will be paid though
Sad. So many walls
Thank you God for everything, I'll trust in you and i'll not be worry
Friday 12 June 2015
Honest Questions
Why are you so worried?
I choose to stay back in UK this summer. For the first time in my life I am doing what I choose to do, hence bearing the consequences. In the past, it was my parents' or situation that forced me into something. Eg: AFS-YES, playing organ, studying without tuition, going to UK to study....etc
Why did you choose to stay back in UK for summer instead of going back to Malaysia? You know your whole family is there.
To be really honest, I don't feel at home at Sandakan, Malaysia. I can't believe I am saying this but in Sandakan, I don't have friends or freedom or movement (to be exactly correct). I don't have a car. In my past experiences, I'm traumatized in living with quarrelsome parents: An emotionally volatile father and a "I don't care and I will tell all the stuff that we quarreled to everyone else" mother. Nevertheless, I love my parents very much. Yet, there are no perfect parents so I will have to live with it. There are no prefect children and they have to live with it as well. I am thankful to God for such an awesome parents! :)
Spending summer in Malaysia, I will have nothing to do. I will stay in house 24/6. Relying on parents for transport (haha). And on Sunday, I feel particularly stressed, I don't know why. As my dad is a pastor, I feel very pressured. I will have to put up a fake smile and very tiring-lah in summary. I know, but church is very important. I would like to praise God for sending me to church and grow.
Spending summer in UK is not better off either. I will also have nothing to do. Just that I will have extra freedom of movement if I want to travel.
Any other valid reasons not to go back to Malaysia during summer?
No valid reasons. Only childish and immature ones.
I can think of one: My sister is graduating and will be soon heading to work. This is a transition period and I am pretty sure this will involve time, money and energy. I will try not to add to that burden. Besides, if I stay in UK for summer, chances are I will be using my scholarship's money instead of my parents' money.
So, what you gonna do in UK for summer? What have you been doing?
Nothing. Nothing,
Why don't you get a job? Everyone else is at least doing something.
I've tried to apply. So far, all failed or no reply. Sad. Even the ones that I thought is easy. Championslifeacademy, serving food in London, serving food in Woking, University administering job. Yup my friends are having internship..etc. Something that sounds so professional. Me leh, I'm rotting in UK doing nothing. I don't know but they say getting a job is easy, but for me , it's not. I hate the situation when everyone around me gets the thing that I craved so much so easily. I hate the situation where I am expected to achieve something, just like everyone else. I love the situation where I am the only guy who achieved it (sounds pathetic haha). But I know I shouldn't compare.
It will be a total miracle if I am to work in the summer. Total miracle.
I suck in getting a job. All my life I didn't have any experience in working. I only know studying and studying. My confidence sank in job hunting.
Why can't you just be more open and tell everyone your intention for summer?
I have a habit of keeping everything secret. I would like to be an underdog, who strikes when nobody expects.
Honestly I don't know if it is God's will for me to be in UK for the summer. If it is, I know he will provide. Sometimes God provides what I need, instead of what I want. So now my prayer is that what I need will be what I want, and what I want is what I need, that is Jesus. In God's hand, no matter how bad the situation is, I know I'm still ok.
God will open doors, but I will have to pass it myself. And thank God for opening doors. By grace, through faith. The problem is that now I'm banging on a lot of closed doors, (which hurts haha).
You are spending more money here in UK than in Malaysia. What do you think?
Sad loh, What to do , I stupid mah.
Inference?
It's ok for me not to do anything while all my friends are doing something useful over the summer. Sometimes I think that the more I want it, the more I won't get it. So, I don't want to get a job in UK, UK sucks.
Your conclusion?
I have to accept the fact that I'm a loser. In the event where I am seen as a winner, I will give all glory and praises to God for everything is from him and for him. God, help me to trust in you instead of my own strengths. I know that you are great and awesome, there is no one like you. And you will be praised forever and ever. You brought me out of miry clay, into your glory, to praise your name. Oh Lord our God your ways are higher. I will never understand. I'm like a 2D painting trying to understand the 3D real world. Amen.
I choose to stay back in UK this summer. For the first time in my life I am doing what I choose to do, hence bearing the consequences. In the past, it was my parents' or situation that forced me into something. Eg: AFS-YES, playing organ, studying without tuition, going to UK to study....etc
Why did you choose to stay back in UK for summer instead of going back to Malaysia? You know your whole family is there.
To be really honest, I don't feel at home at Sandakan, Malaysia. I can't believe I am saying this but in Sandakan, I don't have friends or freedom or movement (to be exactly correct). I don't have a car. In my past experiences, I'm traumatized in living with quarrelsome parents: An emotionally volatile father and a "I don't care and I will tell all the stuff that we quarreled to everyone else" mother. Nevertheless, I love my parents very much. Yet, there are no perfect parents so I will have to live with it. There are no prefect children and they have to live with it as well. I am thankful to God for such an awesome parents! :)
Spending summer in Malaysia, I will have nothing to do. I will stay in house 24/6. Relying on parents for transport (haha). And on Sunday, I feel particularly stressed, I don't know why. As my dad is a pastor, I feel very pressured. I will have to put up a fake smile and very tiring-lah in summary. I know, but church is very important. I would like to praise God for sending me to church and grow.
Spending summer in UK is not better off either. I will also have nothing to do. Just that I will have extra freedom of movement if I want to travel.
Any other valid reasons not to go back to Malaysia during summer?
No valid reasons. Only childish and immature ones.
I can think of one: My sister is graduating and will be soon heading to work. This is a transition period and I am pretty sure this will involve time, money and energy. I will try not to add to that burden. Besides, if I stay in UK for summer, chances are I will be using my scholarship's money instead of my parents' money.
So, what you gonna do in UK for summer? What have you been doing?
Nothing. Nothing,
Why don't you get a job? Everyone else is at least doing something.
I've tried to apply. So far, all failed or no reply. Sad. Even the ones that I thought is easy. Championslifeacademy, serving food in London, serving food in Woking, University administering job. Yup my friends are having internship..etc. Something that sounds so professional. Me leh, I'm rotting in UK doing nothing. I don't know but they say getting a job is easy, but for me , it's not. I hate the situation when everyone around me gets the thing that I craved so much so easily. I hate the situation where I am expected to achieve something, just like everyone else. I love the situation where I am the only guy who achieved it (sounds pathetic haha). But I know I shouldn't compare.
It will be a total miracle if I am to work in the summer. Total miracle.
I suck in getting a job. All my life I didn't have any experience in working. I only know studying and studying. My confidence sank in job hunting.
Why can't you just be more open and tell everyone your intention for summer?
I have a habit of keeping everything secret. I would like to be an underdog, who strikes when nobody expects.
Honestly I don't know if it is God's will for me to be in UK for the summer. If it is, I know he will provide. Sometimes God provides what I need, instead of what I want. So now my prayer is that what I need will be what I want, and what I want is what I need, that is Jesus. In God's hand, no matter how bad the situation is, I know I'm still ok.
God will open doors, but I will have to pass it myself. And thank God for opening doors. By grace, through faith. The problem is that now I'm banging on a lot of closed doors, (which hurts haha).
You are spending more money here in UK than in Malaysia. What do you think?
Sad loh, What to do , I stupid mah.
Inference?
It's ok for me not to do anything while all my friends are doing something useful over the summer. Sometimes I think that the more I want it, the more I won't get it. So, I don't want to get a job in UK, UK sucks.
Your conclusion?
I have to accept the fact that I'm a loser. In the event where I am seen as a winner, I will give all glory and praises to God for everything is from him and for him. God, help me to trust in you instead of my own strengths. I know that you are great and awesome, there is no one like you. And you will be praised forever and ever. You brought me out of miry clay, into your glory, to praise your name. Oh Lord our God your ways are higher. I will never understand. I'm like a 2D painting trying to understand the 3D real world. Amen.
Tuesday 2 June 2015
Things in the past
Sometimes in the middle of the night, I screamed out loud. I just can't seem to get past the past. The mistakes and the guilt, the shame took a huge grip on me, almost like a burden. I just can't face them. Because of it, I'm more careful. I am more careful to lead a perfect life, which is utterly impossible. God is in me, he cleanse me from within.
2015: I watch porn and masturbate. Some say it's healthy but spiritually it's deadly because I lust for fleshy things. It will all go back to dust when they die and rot.
2014: I broke people's doors
2013: Regrets over some friends in USA
2012: Failed at band competitions.
2010: Get into unnecessary trouble with the disciplinary teacher. Infatuations.
2009 and 2008: What am I doing? Principal's son got into a lot of unwanted attention and trouble.
I'm pretty sure they will be more for 2015, 2016, 2017 ...etc. Haiz. God, thank you for loving me even though I'm pretty much a failure.
Friday 22 May 2015
Past guilt and shame
Jesus delivered me, praise God. But this is a very clear picture. Once in a while, the pain will grip me, for the wrongs that I've done, the things that I've missed due to my stupid mistakes
Thursday 14 May 2015
How I feel before writing up a CV
I need something to do this summer.
Yesterday in my Uni summer employment fair, there's a booth where they wanna hire team members for a restaurant. I dunno what to think.
Now i am planning to email them my CV. I feel so nervous. I dunno what to think. Is this the One? An I suitable? WHAT if I not suitable?
So much things to worry.
I am afraid of people. I can't advertise myself well. I have no confidence. Haiz
I love doing resume than CV. CV can bullshit all the way. Resume can't. Somehow the employers in UK more focused on what you said about yourself, not the qualifications actually. It's all about how I can convince them that I'm good. Hence, public speaking and persuasion skills are very crucial. Thus, many people who talk-only-but-do-nothing, they get the jobs. Those who are suitable but just not so excellent in selling themselves, they won't get the job
Yesterday in my Uni summer employment fair, there's a booth where they wanna hire team members for a restaurant. I dunno what to think.
Now i am planning to email them my CV. I feel so nervous. I dunno what to think. Is this the One? An I suitable? WHAT if I not suitable?
So much things to worry.
I am afraid of people. I can't advertise myself well. I have no confidence. Haiz
I love doing resume than CV. CV can bullshit all the way. Resume can't. Somehow the employers in UK more focused on what you said about yourself, not the qualifications actually. It's all about how I can convince them that I'm good. Hence, public speaking and persuasion skills are very crucial. Thus, many people who talk-only-but-do-nothing, they get the jobs. Those who are suitable but just not so excellent in selling themselves, they won't get the job
Friday 8 May 2015
Stereotypes of a Malaysian Chinese
I'm a Malaysian currently studying in the UK. As an ethnic chinese student, I faced a lot stereotypes.
Here are some common stereotypes I faced as a Malaysian Chinese in UK:
1. My English is very bad
2. I am a communist supporter
3. I am an atheist.
4. I am rude, loud and ignorant of others
5. I'm super rich and arrogant due to the fact that I have lots of money
6. I'm here to stay in the UK illegally.
7. I'm from China, definitely.
This is my point of view:
I am a 4th generation chinese in Malaysia. My great-grandparents migrated from China to British North Borneo (modern day Sabah of Malaysia) during the 1920's due to political unrest in China. Decades passed by and my grandparents are granted Malaysian citizenship after the independence of Sabah, forming the federation of Malaysia in the 1960's. Decades later, I was born in the 90's. Hence, China is of no relation to me (other than the fact that I'm an ethnic Chinese and Chinese originated from China). I am a Malaysian. Malaysia is my home country and I will identify myself as a Malaysian, not Chinese.
Generally, Malaysian Chinese are quite different from Chinese from China. If you are generalising all chinese in the same category, it is same like categorising all European in the same stereotype. (Genrally, an Englishman would not love to be identified as an Ukrainian, would he). Due to decades of assimilation into the Malaysian culture, I actually can not relate to the Chinese of China, Even our languages are quite mutually unintelligible.
Answering to the common stereotypes as above:
1. Generally, Malaysian Chinese have a good English language background. It will be quite offensive for a Brit to say to a Malaysian chinese " Do you understand what I'm talking? Shall I go slower? I know, it's hard for Chinese to converse entirely in English." We learn English since our kindy years, I read my bible in English, all my school subjects are taught in English except some other languages class. I speak to my friends in English. So, depends on your definition, my first language is actually English. However, due to the fact that Malaysia is a multicultural country, most Malaysian Chinese can speak other languages as well. For me, I can speak Cantonese, Hakka, Mandarin, Malay, English, and a little bit of Hokkien. I speak Cantonese with my family members, Hakka with my extended family, Malay with my Malay friends, Mandarin with the school friends, English with my church members, Hokkien with my cousins (a little bit).
2. No, I don't support communism. In fact, I think democratic nations are the best.
3. I am a Christian. Just because my face is Asian doesn't mean that I'm from China with no religion at all. Sometimes I find it quite funny that people in UK assume that I don't have any knowledge about religions at all, just by judging my face. "Oh, you from China? Wow Christianity and Church must be something strange to you! Wanna know more about Jesus? Come to our evangelical courses! Don't worry, we have Chinese translations for you" If I'm really from China Mainland, I'll probably be more than happy to continue this conversation. But since I'm from Malaysia and I've been a Christian my whole life, I think this questions might be a little bit offensive (I don't need chinese translations, thank you). But, it is very encouraging to see that the churches in UK are doing their part in bringing more China Chinese to Christ. However, I don't blame anyone due to the fact that we can't tell the difference between a China Chinese and a Malaysian Chinese based on the facial looks alone.
4. Recently, due to the economic boom of China, many Chinese from China became use their new found wealth to travel around the world. Chinese tourists have a bad reputation because in some cases, they are known to be very loud, arrogant, dirty, inconsiderate, and some even urinate at the public subway. In extreme cases, they abuse the tourist service providers and carve their names on some historical monuments, like the ones in Egypt. Because of bad reputation of tourists from China, we as a Malaysian Chinese with an Asian face tends to be stereotyped that way as well. No, Malaysian Chinese (and other oversea chinese such as Singaporean and Canadian) are quite well mannered. We know the rules and we will not break it (there's no benefits of breaking a UK law anyway)
5. I'm poor. I'm always on budget because I'm on scholarship to study in the UK. Praise God for the scholarship! But I've witness the lifestyles of Hong Kongers and Mainland Chinese students whom I consider as "lavish".
6. No, I really want to obey the law. Even if I want to migrate to other countries, I will not enter illegally.
7. No, I'm from Malaysia. If you see any Asian faces and assume that they're from China even before striking a conversation, you will be offending Koreans, Japanese, Vietnamese, Thai, Malaysians, Singaporeans, Indonesians, Taiwanese, etc... and maybe some Aussies, Americans, British, Canadians and Kiwis. But I will not blame you as there are 1.3 billion humans in China and only 50 million ethnic chinese are born outside of China. (That's less than 5%)
Here are some common stereotypes I faced as a Malaysian Chinese in UK:
1. My English is very bad
2. I am a communist supporter
3. I am an atheist.
4. I am rude, loud and ignorant of others
5. I'm super rich and arrogant due to the fact that I have lots of money
6. I'm here to stay in the UK illegally.
7. I'm from China, definitely.
This is my point of view:
I am a 4th generation chinese in Malaysia. My great-grandparents migrated from China to British North Borneo (modern day Sabah of Malaysia) during the 1920's due to political unrest in China. Decades passed by and my grandparents are granted Malaysian citizenship after the independence of Sabah, forming the federation of Malaysia in the 1960's. Decades later, I was born in the 90's. Hence, China is of no relation to me (other than the fact that I'm an ethnic Chinese and Chinese originated from China). I am a Malaysian. Malaysia is my home country and I will identify myself as a Malaysian, not Chinese.
Generally, Malaysian Chinese are quite different from Chinese from China. If you are generalising all chinese in the same category, it is same like categorising all European in the same stereotype. (Genrally, an Englishman would not love to be identified as an Ukrainian, would he). Due to decades of assimilation into the Malaysian culture, I actually can not relate to the Chinese of China, Even our languages are quite mutually unintelligible.
Answering to the common stereotypes as above:
1. Generally, Malaysian Chinese have a good English language background. It will be quite offensive for a Brit to say to a Malaysian chinese " Do you understand what I'm talking? Shall I go slower? I know, it's hard for Chinese to converse entirely in English." We learn English since our kindy years, I read my bible in English, all my school subjects are taught in English except some other languages class. I speak to my friends in English. So, depends on your definition, my first language is actually English. However, due to the fact that Malaysia is a multicultural country, most Malaysian Chinese can speak other languages as well. For me, I can speak Cantonese, Hakka, Mandarin, Malay, English, and a little bit of Hokkien. I speak Cantonese with my family members, Hakka with my extended family, Malay with my Malay friends, Mandarin with the school friends, English with my church members, Hokkien with my cousins (a little bit).
2. No, I don't support communism. In fact, I think democratic nations are the best.
3. I am a Christian. Just because my face is Asian doesn't mean that I'm from China with no religion at all. Sometimes I find it quite funny that people in UK assume that I don't have any knowledge about religions at all, just by judging my face. "Oh, you from China? Wow Christianity and Church must be something strange to you! Wanna know more about Jesus? Come to our evangelical courses! Don't worry, we have Chinese translations for you" If I'm really from China Mainland, I'll probably be more than happy to continue this conversation. But since I'm from Malaysia and I've been a Christian my whole life, I think this questions might be a little bit offensive (I don't need chinese translations, thank you). But, it is very encouraging to see that the churches in UK are doing their part in bringing more China Chinese to Christ. However, I don't blame anyone due to the fact that we can't tell the difference between a China Chinese and a Malaysian Chinese based on the facial looks alone.
4. Recently, due to the economic boom of China, many Chinese from China became use their new found wealth to travel around the world. Chinese tourists have a bad reputation because in some cases, they are known to be very loud, arrogant, dirty, inconsiderate, and some even urinate at the public subway. In extreme cases, they abuse the tourist service providers and carve their names on some historical monuments, like the ones in Egypt. Because of bad reputation of tourists from China, we as a Malaysian Chinese with an Asian face tends to be stereotyped that way as well. No, Malaysian Chinese (and other oversea chinese such as Singaporean and Canadian) are quite well mannered. We know the rules and we will not break it (there's no benefits of breaking a UK law anyway)
5. I'm poor. I'm always on budget because I'm on scholarship to study in the UK. Praise God for the scholarship! But I've witness the lifestyles of Hong Kongers and Mainland Chinese students whom I consider as "lavish".
6. No, I really want to obey the law. Even if I want to migrate to other countries, I will not enter illegally.
7. No, I'm from Malaysia. If you see any Asian faces and assume that they're from China even before striking a conversation, you will be offending Koreans, Japanese, Vietnamese, Thai, Malaysians, Singaporeans, Indonesians, Taiwanese, etc... and maybe some Aussies, Americans, British, Canadians and Kiwis. But I will not blame you as there are 1.3 billion humans in China and only 50 million ethnic chinese are born outside of China. (That's less than 5%)
Monday 16 March 2015
Worry about my country
(I might have to remove this post for the sensitivity of the issue in Malaysia)
I am increasingly concerned/worry about my beloved country, Malaysia
The government is using the colonial-era Sedition Act (1948) to shut off the opposition, arrest them and cut them off from the political scene. Such brazen act should not exist if Malaysia is keen to be a first-world country. This is an uncivilized act of insecurity and immaturity.
Can you imagine if Barack Obama put Romney into jail for Romney's criticism about USA government? That would have caused an uproar among the Americans.
Malaysia has a lot of potential to be the best country in the world, but not with the current government. Malaysia is becoming more and more authoritarian, like Russia. If this trend continue, I am sure that brain drain will be epidemic and the public dissatisfaction will explode.
Authoritarian/Totalitarian government will do more harm than good. Just look at the past/present dictators. The dictator and the cronies looted their own country. The dictator and the cronies lived a luxurious life while the citizen suffer poverty. To name a few: Ferdinand Marcos of Philippines, Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, Idi Amin Dada of Uganda, Pol Pot of Cambodia, etc.
Such hypocrisy existed in the Malaysian government should be exposed and amplified. Why would the police only arrest the opposition leaders for their remarks, but not the ruling party's leaders' racist comments? If you are one of the members of the ruling party, whatever seditious remarks or racist statement that you make, you are immune, If you are one of the members of the opposition parry, whatever you say you could be arrested for it.
I don't see any future for Malaysia, not with the current situation.
#PrayForMalaysia
I am increasingly concerned/worry about my beloved country, Malaysia
The government is using the colonial-era Sedition Act (1948) to shut off the opposition, arrest them and cut them off from the political scene. Such brazen act should not exist if Malaysia is keen to be a first-world country. This is an uncivilized act of insecurity and immaturity.
Can you imagine if Barack Obama put Romney into jail for Romney's criticism about USA government? That would have caused an uproar among the Americans.
Malaysia has a lot of potential to be the best country in the world, but not with the current government. Malaysia is becoming more and more authoritarian, like Russia. If this trend continue, I am sure that brain drain will be epidemic and the public dissatisfaction will explode.
Authoritarian/Totalitarian government will do more harm than good. Just look at the past/present dictators. The dictator and the cronies looted their own country. The dictator and the cronies lived a luxurious life while the citizen suffer poverty. To name a few: Ferdinand Marcos of Philippines, Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, Idi Amin Dada of Uganda, Pol Pot of Cambodia, etc.
Such hypocrisy existed in the Malaysian government should be exposed and amplified. Why would the police only arrest the opposition leaders for their remarks, but not the ruling party's leaders' racist comments? If you are one of the members of the ruling party, whatever seditious remarks or racist statement that you make, you are immune, If you are one of the members of the opposition parry, whatever you say you could be arrested for it.
I don't see any future for Malaysia, not with the current situation.
#PrayForMalaysia
Monday 16 February 2015
How to identify different types of chinese
People with Chinese ethnicity are all around the world. This chart is a small representation of the much bigger picture.
Saturday 31 January 2015
Jealous 2.0
I get jealous really easily. I easily get irritated by people who tends to show off.
However, nobody is perfect. So i must learn how to tolerate everyone , looking for their nice side for mutual benefits. Thinking of ways to avoid on their "asshole" side of them
I don't know why but I think I am very immature, can feel intimidated quickly. I love being compared and win, hate it when people compare me when I lose out. Such a mindset sure will destroy me de, because there are a lot of people (tonnes of them) far better than me.
The only thing I can do is focus on myself, and God, don't compare, just do my best. Compare only to see where I can improve myself. It doesn't matter if I'm inferior, as long as I did my best.
So, dear ladies, all the best in your life making each other jealous haha
However, nobody is perfect. So i must learn how to tolerate everyone , looking for their nice side for mutual benefits. Thinking of ways to avoid on their "asshole" side of them
I don't know why but I think I am very immature, can feel intimidated quickly. I love being compared and win, hate it when people compare me when I lose out. Such a mindset sure will destroy me de, because there are a lot of people (tonnes of them) far better than me.
The only thing I can do is focus on myself, and God, don't compare, just do my best. Compare only to see where I can improve myself. It doesn't matter if I'm inferior, as long as I did my best.
So, dear ladies, all the best in your life making each other jealous haha
Tuesday 27 January 2015
Friendship and Rejection
Wrote this to express what I feel, will be a nice reference for the future me to understand what the present me thinking right now haha.
I just had a video call with a particular good friend to me from High school from Malayisa. Nice chat and we didn't change at all. So, full of confidence, I asked him to allow me to chat with more people. Eventually I had to accept the truth that not everyone miss me, it's not like I want them to but it's a cold shoulder generally. Only certain very very close friends that I did realyy felt connected to, others are not so. Some even choose to ignore it. Well I don't bkame anyone. I was the one, my attitude and my past wrongs had led me to this. Time and time again I felt guilty.
Then I always reflect upon it (call me the guy who thinks too much).. Life is always about memory isn't it. Bad memories are to be learnt, not to be dwell in it. Good memories are to be cherished. Can I just choose to remember the good? Choose to see the good side out of every bad? Yes, it's a choice, it's always a choice.
Men will never escape from making mistakes. With mistakes, comes cost and consequences, We can choose to learn from it, or we can dwell in the guilt until it becomes a bondage. Nobody really care about our past, it just define who we were and how we had made progress in improving ourselves.
I always have this tendency to feel sad when people not giving me attention. I love attention, I want to be praised, I want to be around many friends, I don't want to feel lonely. I want to feel belonged. Yet, after these years of experience and reflections, I came to conclude that given my personality which has a huge space for improvement, it's really no matter if I don't have any friends at all. It is all about keeping myself together and mature up. It is always on how we face things, not what we faced.
Somehow i think my personality reflects my dad's. Something I didn't really like but I have to respect my dad for what God had done through him. I really have to get rid of the immature and longing for attention side of me, it's really bad. And yet I know nobody is perfect, but I just had to try because the consequences of not trying is far greater than the cost of trying. Maybe I just like to present a perfect self. Rather be hated for who I am than to be loved for who I'm not. Yes, it might seem to be impolite, but I really have to grow up in this unforgiving world.
Not everyone will give you the attention you need haha. That's the hard way I learnt.
Anyway, God is always with me, whom shall I fear..
I just had a video call with a particular good friend to me from High school from Malayisa. Nice chat and we didn't change at all. So, full of confidence, I asked him to allow me to chat with more people. Eventually I had to accept the truth that not everyone miss me, it's not like I want them to but it's a cold shoulder generally. Only certain very very close friends that I did realyy felt connected to, others are not so. Some even choose to ignore it. Well I don't bkame anyone. I was the one, my attitude and my past wrongs had led me to this. Time and time again I felt guilty.
Then I always reflect upon it (call me the guy who thinks too much).. Life is always about memory isn't it. Bad memories are to be learnt, not to be dwell in it. Good memories are to be cherished. Can I just choose to remember the good? Choose to see the good side out of every bad? Yes, it's a choice, it's always a choice.
Men will never escape from making mistakes. With mistakes, comes cost and consequences, We can choose to learn from it, or we can dwell in the guilt until it becomes a bondage. Nobody really care about our past, it just define who we were and how we had made progress in improving ourselves.
I always have this tendency to feel sad when people not giving me attention. I love attention, I want to be praised, I want to be around many friends, I don't want to feel lonely. I want to feel belonged. Yet, after these years of experience and reflections, I came to conclude that given my personality which has a huge space for improvement, it's really no matter if I don't have any friends at all. It is all about keeping myself together and mature up. It is always on how we face things, not what we faced.
Somehow i think my personality reflects my dad's. Something I didn't really like but I have to respect my dad for what God had done through him. I really have to get rid of the immature and longing for attention side of me, it's really bad. And yet I know nobody is perfect, but I just had to try because the consequences of not trying is far greater than the cost of trying. Maybe I just like to present a perfect self. Rather be hated for who I am than to be loved for who I'm not. Yes, it might seem to be impolite, but I really have to grow up in this unforgiving world.
Not everyone will give you the attention you need haha. That's the hard way I learnt.
Anyway, God is always with me, whom shall I fear..
Friday 23 January 2015
Identity Crisis
I am a Malaysian Chinese. I am the fourth generation of chinese in Malaysia. My great-grandparents are from China. According to my grandpa reocrds, I'm the 23th generation of the family, tracing our family origins back to the 10th century in the Song Dynasty of China. My great-grandfather is from Guangdong province of China, My great-grandfather of my mother's side is from Fujian province of China, My grandmother of my father's side came to North Borneo (modern day Sabah, Malaysia) during the WW2 to escape the japanese occupation in China. I am born and raised in Sabah since then. Hence, I am a pure chinese, pure Malaysian,
What makes a Malaysian Chinese distinct from other Asian faces? I understand that we all look the same. And yes, not many people realized the variation between the chinese speaking community. Grouping all chinese into the same category is like grouping all Europeans into the same category, including French, English, German, Russian..etc. That would make a huge debate isn't it? As for example Germans will never wanted to be identified as ethnicity as the French people. Thus, it will not be a nice thing to do to assume that all chinese acts and behave the same way, although most people do that.
Malaysian Chinese:
1. Speaks Malay, English, and some Chinese dialaects including Hakka, Cantonese, Hokkien, FuChou, Teochew, Hainan..etc. Some Malaysian Chinese don't know the chinese language at all, we call them "Banana" (Yellow Asian coloured skin, but white caucasian inside)
2. Have better English proficiency (We were once British colony). But our English is fondly called "Manglish" (Malaysian English) or "Singlish"(Singaporean English) as it is a English Creole with a mixture of Malay, Indian Chinese words in it.
3. Loves Malay, Indian, and Chinese food of all kinds.
4. Great exposure to multicultural environment as Malaysian population comprises of Malays, Chinese, Indians, and various local tribes. And hence, we are exposed to various religion mainly Islam, Christian, Buddhist, Hinduism,..etc and also Atheism!
5. Love our country Malaysia, love our multi-ethnic friends, but most likely to speak out against the government critically in certain government policies.
My thoughts
I am now studying in the UK. Most people thought that I'm from Hong Kong or Mainland China. But hey, chinese are everywhere! I'm from Malaysia. When I say I'm a Malaysian, they'll think that I'm a Muslim Malay. No, I'm Malaysian Chinese, to be more specific, a Malaysian with chinese ethnicity. No, I can't really relate to the Hong Kongers, I don't identify with the Mainland Chinese. Our cultures and upbringing are totally different. Malaysian Chinese are genuinely different, and sometimes I felt insulted when they think I'm from Mainland China, given the bad reputation of Mainland Chinese tourist generated,
No, I don't have problem at all to understand English. Just because Mainland Chinese struggled with English doesn't mean that we Malaysian Chinese will do the same. Our English is way better than what you expect. (Call me proud but this is generally true). There is one occasion where the church speaker said that he will speak slower to accommodate my poor English skills. Hey, that's an insult! I understand you just fine.,,but I don't blame them because most Mainland Chinese and Hong Kongers have bad English skills.
To a certain point, I lose my confidence, thinking that all white British people will just group me together with other Mainland Chinese. That's a pretty bad reputation actually given that Mainland Chinese are notorious for their bad tourist behavior, tarnishing the image of Asian faces. But it's not fair to the Mainland Chinese as they are actually kind people, just a bit loud, dirty and inconsiderate. But that's fine, it's not their fault for their upbringing. We Malaysian Chinese are no better either.
What will you feel when I say you British are the same as the French? I don't think you will be happy isn't it? But that's fine, we can't identify French from Britons unless we listen to your conversations haha. So, I am trying my best to accept the fact that, unless Britons interact with me, they'll just think that I'm from Mainland China.
Malaysia Dilemma
Dear Malaysia, please don't reject me just because I am of chinese ethnicity. I am born and raised in a typical middle-class Malaysian society, I pay taxes to the Malaysian government. I consider Malaysia as my home, my only home. I love all Malaysians regardless of their belief and skin colour. But some of the policies are not so favorable to us, and force us to look for better opportunity elsewhere, contributing to the brain drain. I would really love to contribute to the Malaysian economy, but now I am indirectly forced to search for "greener grass" outside of Malaysia, which made me very very sad. I have no idea of my future, really no. But my heart will always be Malaysian, Malaysia boleh.
What makes a Malaysian Chinese distinct from other Asian faces? I understand that we all look the same. And yes, not many people realized the variation between the chinese speaking community. Grouping all chinese into the same category is like grouping all Europeans into the same category, including French, English, German, Russian..etc. That would make a huge debate isn't it? As for example Germans will never wanted to be identified as ethnicity as the French people. Thus, it will not be a nice thing to do to assume that all chinese acts and behave the same way, although most people do that.
Malaysian Chinese:
1. Speaks Malay, English, and some Chinese dialaects including Hakka, Cantonese, Hokkien, FuChou, Teochew, Hainan..etc. Some Malaysian Chinese don't know the chinese language at all, we call them "Banana" (Yellow Asian coloured skin, but white caucasian inside)
2. Have better English proficiency (We were once British colony). But our English is fondly called "Manglish" (Malaysian English) or "Singlish"(Singaporean English) as it is a English Creole with a mixture of Malay, Indian Chinese words in it.
3. Loves Malay, Indian, and Chinese food of all kinds.
4. Great exposure to multicultural environment as Malaysian population comprises of Malays, Chinese, Indians, and various local tribes. And hence, we are exposed to various religion mainly Islam, Christian, Buddhist, Hinduism,..etc and also Atheism!
5. Love our country Malaysia, love our multi-ethnic friends, but most likely to speak out against the government critically in certain government policies.
My thoughts
I am now studying in the UK. Most people thought that I'm from Hong Kong or Mainland China. But hey, chinese are everywhere! I'm from Malaysia. When I say I'm a Malaysian, they'll think that I'm a Muslim Malay. No, I'm Malaysian Chinese, to be more specific, a Malaysian with chinese ethnicity. No, I can't really relate to the Hong Kongers, I don't identify with the Mainland Chinese. Our cultures and upbringing are totally different. Malaysian Chinese are genuinely different, and sometimes I felt insulted when they think I'm from Mainland China, given the bad reputation of Mainland Chinese tourist generated,
No, I don't have problem at all to understand English. Just because Mainland Chinese struggled with English doesn't mean that we Malaysian Chinese will do the same. Our English is way better than what you expect. (Call me proud but this is generally true). There is one occasion where the church speaker said that he will speak slower to accommodate my poor English skills. Hey, that's an insult! I understand you just fine.,,but I don't blame them because most Mainland Chinese and Hong Kongers have bad English skills.
To a certain point, I lose my confidence, thinking that all white British people will just group me together with other Mainland Chinese. That's a pretty bad reputation actually given that Mainland Chinese are notorious for their bad tourist behavior, tarnishing the image of Asian faces. But it's not fair to the Mainland Chinese as they are actually kind people, just a bit loud, dirty and inconsiderate. But that's fine, it's not their fault for their upbringing. We Malaysian Chinese are no better either.
What will you feel when I say you British are the same as the French? I don't think you will be happy isn't it? But that's fine, we can't identify French from Britons unless we listen to your conversations haha. So, I am trying my best to accept the fact that, unless Britons interact with me, they'll just think that I'm from Mainland China.
Malaysia Dilemma
Dear Malaysia, please don't reject me just because I am of chinese ethnicity. I am born and raised in a typical middle-class Malaysian society, I pay taxes to the Malaysian government. I consider Malaysia as my home, my only home. I love all Malaysians regardless of their belief and skin colour. But some of the policies are not so favorable to us, and force us to look for better opportunity elsewhere, contributing to the brain drain. I would really love to contribute to the Malaysian economy, but now I am indirectly forced to search for "greener grass" outside of Malaysia, which made me very very sad. I have no idea of my future, really no. But my heart will always be Malaysian, Malaysia boleh.
Thursday 8 January 2015
why am I sad now
I feel depressed, sad, in-confident, tired,, lonely and basically very down. I have to identify why am i feeling this:
1. I have to decide whether I want to join my parents for European tour. It's one of the biggest decision inlife I have to make. I have to weigh out all possibilities, outcome, cost, and family values. Before these, I always go with the flow. Now suddenly need to make a choice, I feel very shock and sudden. I don't know what to do.
2. I may have to apply for National Insurance Number again. I was late for submission due to uni close during Christmas period. what can I do? What should I do? When can I know if I'm successful or not? Why ppl seem so smooth yet I so hard.. hmmm
3. Job during the summer? The process of interview, selection, rejection scares me out. I don't want to feel rejected. Yet, without effort, don't expect a summer internship will come anytime soon.
God, I lift all these into your hands, you are my guide, Lord of my life. May your will be done, and your spirit of wisdom and discernment be with me. Amen
1. I have to decide whether I want to join my parents for European tour. It's one of the biggest decision inlife I have to make. I have to weigh out all possibilities, outcome, cost, and family values. Before these, I always go with the flow. Now suddenly need to make a choice, I feel very shock and sudden. I don't know what to do.
2. I may have to apply for National Insurance Number again. I was late for submission due to uni close during Christmas period. what can I do? What should I do? When can I know if I'm successful or not? Why ppl seem so smooth yet I so hard.. hmmm
3. Job during the summer? The process of interview, selection, rejection scares me out. I don't want to feel rejected. Yet, without effort, don't expect a summer internship will come anytime soon.
God, I lift all these into your hands, you are my guide, Lord of my life. May your will be done, and your spirit of wisdom and discernment be with me. Amen
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