A lousy story

Suddenly feel like writing a short short story, as a mockumentary.

Love of the Mango Pudding

Stella is 15 years old. She studies in high school. She works part time in a coffee shop at night because she feels "cool" working part-time while studying. She thinks that she is awesome by doing part-time job because she earns $300 per month. She performs poorly in her academics. Yet, she look down on the "nerds" who study so hard for the exams. She think the "nerds" don't have a life. Yes, she is true. Nerds don't have a life. Their life is preoccupied with study study study. In fact, she will not mingle with the nerds because she is pretty and cool. She is popular in high school. She is well sort-after by the boys.

She just broke up with her 19 year old boyfriend because her boyfriend cheats on her. She went into clubs to chill off. She told literally everyone in school that she smokes, goes to clubbing and drinks alcohol. She thought that this will raise her social status in the school. She thought that those teenagers are not "mature" like her to do all those stuff. In fact, she look down on the students who are well behaved and healthy living. She looks down on boys who don't drink, smoke and alcoholic. After all, she is so popular in school that she can bully other girls for fun. She used to make fun of the "nerdy" girls, thinking that the girls should be made fun of because they don't know how to dress as slutty as her.

She meets a new boy in the town weeks later and got hook up with him. His name is Alex and he is 17. He dropped out of high school. He is currently working as a waiter in a Japanese restaurant. His personality is similar to Stella. In fact, he is worse. He drives without a licence, thinking that he is "brave and cool" among his friends. He is still popular in his former high school because he is still involved in many school gangs fights. He is the so called "boss" of the school gang. He will be there in any fights in the school. He formally dates a 13 year old innocent pretty young girl but now he falls for Stella and broke off with the girl.

Alex goes into the coffee shop at night with his friends. Stella comes to take orders. He is stunned by her beauty. The eyes, the lips, and everything below the neck. Stella is also stunned by Alex's handsomeness. They fall for each other instantly, love at the first sight. Alex orders a Mango Pudding. When the Mango Pudding arrives, it has a "love" shape on it, courtesy of Stella.

After two days, Alex goes to the coffee shop, alone. He orders Mango Pudding again, and the same thing happens, Mango Pudding with a love shape! Stella sits in front of him and they start chatting. Love at the first sight is always so sweet and wonderful. They would laugh at other "uncool" kids sitting at the next table. Or they will chat about going to each other's house and do adult stuff. They think they are old enough to do the adult things without the parents' consent. After all, they are working already.

Weeks after weeks Alex comes to the coffee shop. Stella and Alex becomes "engaged" on Facebook. Their facebook and instagram profiles are full of photos of them together. They have captions such as "I love you forever my Mr Mango Pudding prince" or 'Baby I love you forever, you are my wife and I will spend my entire life with you" Some photos of them hugging and kissing are posted online too. As expected, their photos garner a lot of "likes". They become popular on social media.

Stella would tell everyone she knows that she is dating Alex, a guy who is romantic. Alex does the same. When they have dated for 3 months, then Michael appeared in their lives. Michael is a 16 year old school boy who has a huge crush on Stella. He is considered a "nerd" by both Stella and Alex. Michael knows that Stella's future is in jeopardy if she continues living like that. He wants to help her to get back on track. However, when Michael approaches Stella, he is rejected. Stella thinks that a nerd like Michael with low social status in school is not worthy of her. So, she tells everyone in the school about Michael's love confession, and Michael is humiliated deeply. Stella also tells Alex about the "problem". Alex is furious because he thinks that Michael is a "third angle" in the newly formed "triangular love". Like the teenagers' idol drama he watched on Television, he will avenge on behalf of Stella because he "loves her with all his life". He thinks he is like a hero to protect Stella against bad guys. Oh, How Stella is amazed by Alex' "bravery" when Alex finds Michael in school to beat him up. Alex shouted loudly towards Michael in front of a huge crowd that Michael is not to "disturb" her girlfriend again. Alex feels so "manly" and strong when he defeats Michael.

Alex hangs out often with Stella in pub and shopping center. They will usually do the "Public Display of Affection" such as kissing and hugging in the public. Well, it's normal for teenagers to be so intensely in love with each other. To celebrate their "love", Stella and Alex films their bed activity as a proof of their awesomeness. And because Alex thinks that wearing a condom is not manly, Stella is found pregnant. Stella gives birth to a baby boy 9 months later. Stella quits school and her job in order to take care of the baby. Alex takes 3 jobs in order to support the "family". Because of their love, they left the town without families' knowledge and settle down in a smaller town nearby.

Alex and Stella live happily ever after in a small rented room. Stella receives petty pension from the government every month. Because of stress, Alex and Stella always argue and fight, sometimes even leads to domestic violence. Their child grows up in a noisy and violent environment. This is what both of them always wanted, a happy family.

Well, after 10 years, Michael is now working as a manager in a big corporate due to his diligence which led to countless promotion. He has a lovely wife and beautiful children. They live sadly ever after in big house with big cars. Because Michael is faithful to God, he lives his life righteously according to God's will, and it brought blessings to his family.

THE END

Emo

I'm back to hometown and honestly I 'm not a happy boy. Well, I don't have a ride, so have to depend on parents to fetch me around. Thank God for them. What to do? No car means no independence. It's funny how Asian parents sometimes see children's independent as rebellion. Yet, if you dont allow the child to make mistake and learn from it, he'll be a child forever. In the end you suffer because he is not mature enough. Yet the main probelm is the miscomunication between parents and children. Parents might not know the time and the degree of letting go. The children may not understand the parent's feeling.

For 6 months I'm living alone, now suddenly I have to adapt to living with my parents. Somehow I don't like it. U can say I'm an ungrateful, immature child, I don't mind, because I am. I don't know where to draw the line, the boundary, the limit of our interaction.

No matter how big I think I am, parents will still treat me like a 3 year old. That's what happened to my 22 years old sisters. I understand that it is very normal for parents to worry about children's well being. But being concerned doesn't mean u have to deprive them of their freedom and independence. It will be better if u trust them, knowing that they are mature enough to face the real world. Yes, we may fail but that's how we learn. Every mistakes make us tougher. We will still come to u for guidance. It is very important for us to develop our own thoughts. Sometimes Asian parents think this is disobedient. Being disobedient doesn't mean I'm having my own stand, and vice versa.

So much things in my mind. I need a readjustment for the interaction between me and parents. It doesn't make sense if all of us are unhappy because the line is drawn wrongly. I believe if we can talk to each other without egoistic condemnation, a win-win situation will be form.

Honestly, until I get to drive, get a house and get a job, I will still be dependent on my parents. Asian style

break down

I am on the verge of breaking down. The reasons are quite stupid actually. I hope I will not mind the future me laughing at this post. It's quite ridiculous.
Well, I procrastinate alot when studying, which makes me feel guilty everytime I don't study. I don't want my results to be skrewed just because of facebook, youtube....etc. It never worth it! And I think I've lost my resolution of new semester. Bad habits are coming back. Confidence get lower and lower. I asked myself "hey, where are your values?? You are soooo weak"

Well, I now God is in control.. I can do all things thru Christ who strengthen me.

Unforgiveness and Longing for Connection

This post might be funny because I am in the process of growing up. Someday the future me will be laughing hard at this post of mine.

Deep down I have massive unforgiveness to my parents. I know I am ungrateful. I shouldn't be unforgiving becoz this is not what God wants me to do. Forgiving means getting along and not holding a grudge. But that doesn't mean I will let them hurt me the same way again. No matter how imperfect my parents are, I have to forgive them for this is the will of God. They are human beings, never perfect.

The volatile, arrogant side of my dad has taken it's toll on me. I have to learn to forgive him. Sometimes I don't feel like seeing him because he is immature, full of pride/ego, and emotionally unstable. He can be a two faced person and blame others so that he can be seen as perfect. Yet, this is what family members are. We see the good and bad of each other and accept them as who they are. Someday if I have children, they might think the same way too. I just have to forgive. Only God can help me to forgive. It's all about Jesus. He forgave us even if we did really really shameful things. How much more should I forgive my parents who gave their everything in raising me up. This is just what family members do. But the flaws of my dad had a great impact which perpetuated my mind and soul. There's a scar, only God can remove it. Sometimes I wonder will I inherit his flaws when I'm in middle age? Is it possible that no matter how hard I try I will end up like him? These thoughts are hidden deep inside my mind, and I have to face it no matter how much I wanted to avoid it.

Now I understand (at least 1% of it) the feeling of missing someone. I miss my friends and host family back in USA. I also missed my secondary school friends. Somehow I don't miss my parents. I might still be in the season of rebellious against parents. I want to be obedient to them. But obedient doesn't mean missing them isn't it? Last Saturday (16 Nov 2013) I have a mini-hangout with two of my secondary school friends. It is totally a miracle that I can meet them up. The miracles:

1. Well, he is my close friend and he made the costly and long trip to go to the meet up place. (Which I thought would be impossible since he is off to Macau the next day).
2. She is my crush and I am greatly infatuated with her since secondary school years. We never actually talked to each other. But somehow she opened up and said "ok" to my meet up suggestion. It was totally unexpected because we never hangout for the very reason to be together and catching up with one another. It has been almost a year since I last saw her. In secondary school years, my infatuation had taken it's toll on me and I made it very awkward for her. But somehow this time I don't know why she agreed to meet me up. I considered myself to be lucky not to fall into the perpetual trap of infatuation-awkwardness-crush thingy. 3.Actually I invited 7 friends for the meet up, but due to inconvenience all of them turned down except for him and her. With only 3 person for the meet up I thought she might see it as an awkward hangout and turn it down too. But yet somehow she said yes.
4.She is in the middle of extreme stress of studying yet she agreed to come out for a dinner, which is actually a great sacrifice.
5. Somehow I happen to be near her place that period (and free) when she is around (probability is almost 0%)
6. His mother allowed him to go out although it's night and he is busy readying the baggage for Macau.
7. She ate at the restaurant many times b4 and probably bored of it already. Yet she still agree to go to that restaurant.
8. She wants to save money and be budget yet she choose to have a dinner outside.
9. There's another hangout 2 weeks later with more friends and she's free. She actually can skip this meet up bcoz logically, we can meet up 2 weeks later.
10. Somehow I didn't got sick that day. The night before I have a fever.

I enjoyed every moment of the dinner, don't know why. There's no awkwardness between 3 of us and we had a great time. I seemed to forgot the fact that I made her very very awkward when I sent her love letters back in secondary school days. I wish it never happened. It is like a fresh new beginning again. We talked alot and catch up with one another, sharing different interesting college-life stories. I am amazed by the fact that I am no longer the infatuated-guy, but a normal friend now. It was really a night to remember. I know I might not see both of them again in the near future. I really wanted to see her again after not meeting up for almost a year. Now that I've meet her, I don't have the pressure to have a hangout with her in the near future. In fact, when I'm back from USA in July, she is the one who made the initiative to catch up with me, to my surprise. I knew I have to meet her someday. Honestly I might not know her well enough but I think I like her attitude, her frank attitude. Probably I think too much, but I feel there is a certain chemistry coming out from me towards her.This is probably the strong feeling of infatuations, this was what I felt. With this hangout come to past, I have one less regret to face.

Yet, as a price of maturity, I learnt to give up the sweet but fake feeling of infatuation for something better. If a relationship is based on infatuation, it probably will not last long. I had the hard way of learning to put away my thoughts of infatuations. The hard way. No matter how sweet the hangout is to me, I had to deny the infatuation part and emphasis the friendship element in it. The very occurrence of the hangout is the prove that I've learnt to put away infatuations and focus on friendships. If relationships are to last, it might be as well started from friendships, true friendships.Now I have to see her as a friend, not as a long-shot-perfect-girl-of-my-dream. It's like a 5 year old kid giving up the habit of playing with toys because he understands that there are something more in the next level of entertainment. It might be hard at first, but I believe gradually it will be better for all. It's like sacrificing something small now for something better (by faith) later with long-term benefits. Yup, it's hard for me to viewed her as a normal friend and not as a crush, because deep down I know crush and infatuations lead to nowhere. They bring more harm than good. The sweet feelings they bring about are short-term and imaginary. This is a part of growing up. Can you imagine a 40 year old guy infatuated with every pretty woman he came across? That will be very ridiculous.

Anyway, I miss her a lot. I hope I can meet her up again. This might be stupid but this is what I feel. I have to go thru self denial for maturity? But I guess this is better for all. Sacrifice this part of me so that I will avoid (at least 1%) the future complications it brings.

Random cathartic feelings

All these things I wrote are a part of growing up, so I don't mind if it brings laughter of insulation or just plain immaturity funny.

I know I am imperfect. Yet I tried my best to give a perfect image and persona to others. I think pride and ego have taken their toll on me. My pride and ego led me astray, burdened me and bring me nothing but destruction. I believe only God can clean up the pride I have. I really can't clear it up because I guess it's embedded into my DNA.

Sometimes I want to get people's praises, acknowledgement to satisfy my own selfish needs. I failed to preserve my original values from the new semester resolutions. I think the resolutions are breaking down and tearing apart. There's no meaning of standing up to it because the values erode in the face of true personality and mentality. No matter how hard I try, the bad side of me will take over all my good intentions. It is hard to describe the feelings in words.

Trust me, pride brings nothing but destruction. I want to get praises, in the end I got nothing. I thought I am the best, but I am nothing. Sometimes I don't know where my values stands. I can be alone, but not lonely, but all these slogans are slowing breaking down. I feel like I am eating myself and constantly in self-denial in trying to make out a perfect persona. Yet, the fact of I have to be my true self doesn't justify the act of displaying my bad self, causing the suffering of others. I don't want other people to get hurt just because of the bad side of me. I am trying my best to improve myself. I believe only God can do it, because it is impossible with men. God is the God of impossibilities.

I have seen the bad side of my parents. I tried my best not to fall into their bad personality. No matter how hard I try, I still have some of the bad traits in me. Not that I am blaming them for my bad attitude, I am responsible with it since I am born with it. It's in my DNA by the way. No matter how hard I tried not to become like my father, especially, yet the nature pulls me back. I don't wish that a bad trait can spoil the whole bag of good honey. My father is awesome, yet because I am his family member, I know his flaws. And his flaws cost him alot. Pride, ego and arrogance are a huge setback for any people.

I'm just tired. Tired of trying to become a facade of perfection which I can never achieve. Yet, I don't want to show others my bad side so that they will not get hurt by me.

Being myself doesn't mean others will get hurt, they'll just come to know the true me. Not being myself doesn't mean all people will be happy though. I just wish nobody will get hurt because of my attitude. My dad gave me an insight. I know that pride, ego and arrogance have to get out of the picture in order to have a better family life. Yet, pride, ego and arrogance is in his DNA. If he is not proud, egoistic and arrogant, he is not himself, but everyone will be happy except him, he will be eating himself up and wear himself down trying to put up a mask of perfection. If he is proud, egoistic and arrogant, every family member will suffer but he will be full of himself. So he can choose between wearing down himself or his family members. The only way to get out of this is to allow God to change us inside out. Only God can do it. He can change us for the better.

I am a new creation, the old has past away, I am born again. With this I believe everyone can be perfect in their imperfections because God is great and he can do all things.

Yesterday night I prayed for a special friend of mine. I just hope that my special friend will turn to Christ one day. I don't want my special friend to be lost in hell. I just prayed. Somehow I got the prompting to pray for her. Yes, it's a "her". I just feel like there is something more for her than just being an unbeliever. Call it stupid infatuations or immaturity; I dont mind. I have some special feelings for her and I hope she will be saved one day. They say infatuations will not last long but this person somehow aroused my attention since 4 years ago. I have no idea what it is. I dont mind if it's just another painful and empty experience so that I can learn life lessons. The point is, I prayed for her. I dont know if its the Holy Spirit of just a random idea. But I prayed for her.

Sometimes when there is a prompting, I have to respond because I really have no idea if it's from the Holy Spirit. No matter how absurd it is, I will continue praying. I believe in the true power of prayer.

Study?

I am just ranting, why am I using most of my time studying things that are mostly useless in the real working world?
I just wish there is a system where the education teaches me how to be an entrepreneur or investor at young age, OR how to suit into the system of a big company.

I am just wondering. Of course, I spent 12 hours a day last year studying and it pays off with a full scholarship! Praise the Lord, he sustained me and made the impossible, possible, by his grace and mercy and his exceedingly abundant love.

Just a simple question from an innocent 18 year old: why am I studying these subjects which are not related to work? Is this obviously a waste of time and resources?  Why not teach us some soft skills and train us to be leaders instead? I am pretty sure at least 50% of what I studied in University is not applicable in my future job.

Just like in SPM, honestly I remember minimal things due to lack of application. But what I do pick up in the process is time management and discipline. But is all these soft skills justify the huge amount of time, energy, and money spent on formal education?

Hard Times

I'm experiencing hard times. Well, the inefficiency of the administration of University is getting on my nerve. Inefficiency is their fault, which made into my inconvenience. And then they say it's my fault that cause them inconvenience by asking then to do things that they should have done like years ago. I am sick of it, really

I can only trust God on this season of difficulties. He is the rock

sewer

A parable of the Y-generation of Malaysia

Once upon a time, there is a beautiful place underground. It was filled with beautiful people and happy faces. Although it was dirty like a sewer, the people are satisfied with what they had. Soon, more and more people of different origins came down to the underground place to make a living. Some made a fortune while others are still in poverty. Yet, all of them are happy. The different groups of people are content with what they had, and they made the underground a rich place.

Soon, some educated cleaners from the city above, came down to the underground place and start cleaning up the area. The cleaners worked for a company called "British Empire". The cleaners believe that they should interfere with the things happening underground so that the area will be clean, although their methods can be harsh. The cleaners ordained laws and regulations on the underground place, and made it a clean, beautiful heaven for all, although sacrifices has to be made. 

Soon, war broke out. The city and the underground were caught in the catastrophic battles which ruined the riches. Soon, the people of the underground resisted the cleaners and chase the cleaners away. Now, the underground is under the control of the original underground people, which filled the power vacuum when the cleaners left. Initially, the leader of the underground community did a good job in making the underground a heaven once again. People are getting rich and have a happy life. However, as time pass by, the leaders are indulging in dirty politics, cronyism, corruption and abuse of power. The voices of the people left unheeded by the leader. There is a profound society gap between the leaders and the people. Due to neglect, the beautiful underground soon became a sewer, filled with dirty fat rats. Those who are born prior to the war knew that they were in a sewer and they moved out to the city above and made a new start. Yet, those who are born after the war have no idea that they were in fact living in sewer.

Years passed by, and I was born. I am born in the era where rich facade concealed the core dirtiness of the sewer. I was content with the sewer and planned to spend my entire life there. I was wondering why more and more of my friends are moving up to the city to start all over again, to the extend that they left everything they had in the sewer. I thought the sewer is a better place than the city above. Opportunity struck when I got a chance to visit the city above, an area called "USA" for 5 months. I have an eye opener to witness the city life compared to the sewer.. After 5 months of happiness in the city, I was dropped back to the sewer. Now then I know the disgusting truth about the sewer. The sewer has the potential to be the greatest underground heaven for all. Yet, the leaders are incapable and incompatible. 

I would like to get out of the sewer. But, in the mean time, I would also like to be an agent of change in the sewer so that the sewer can be cleaned up to its former glory. It is widely believed that to clean a sewer, you have to get out of it. You can't clean a sewerage when you are in the midst of it. However, most people who managed to escape the sewer never came back again, and the sewer is getting worse as dirty rats became rampant. It will be my dream to get out of the sewer, and tell the people of the sewer about the truth (if they haven't heard about it). The sewer is filled with lies to cheat the gullible people. If only my fellow friends know that they are living in a sewer, if only I can get out of the sewer..... 

crush and infatuations

It might stupid and immature,, But I would like to voice out the things that are brewing in my heart.

I am truly sorry for having a huge crush on some pretty girls. Crush and infatuations often, if not always lead to failure, disappointment, illusion and unreachable expectations.

I used to have a huge crush on that particular girl for four years. It kinda suck when she knows it and it made us both so awkward. I have made her life troublesome, that's why I am so sorry. I learnt my lesson at the expense of other's well being.

There's a part of me that wanted to have crush on every pretty stranger girls I bumped into. I think the reason is that there's a thing called selfishness and pride in my heart. I want people to like me. I wanted to show off. I thought every girl should like me too. Then it made me feel very awkward, not behaving as my true self. That's why I hang out often with not-so-attractive girls because they made me feel so comfortable. I will experience palpitation whenever pretty girls are around. I'm such a pervert.

I know these symptoms are temporal. Someday I'll get over when I mature up. Maturity is a coveted prize that comes with a great price sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if the prize worth the price since the damage done is far too great. At times, bad memories will come and haunt me. I feel so bad. I know God is by my side and he constantly remind me that let bygone be bygone, start anew every single day. I don't wish to be that kind of person again. Sometimes I dream of going back to 4 or 5 years ago and slap myself hard. I'm just probably the slowest to learn things until the damage is done, then only I realize my mistake. But I'm glad that I learnt the lesson before adulthood.

There's one part of me that constantly remind me not to have any crush on any girls. But I actually think crush is normal for youth at my age. Not having one or forcing oneself to stop having crush on someone is like telling a plant not to sprout out. What matters is not what I face, it's actually how I face it and overcome it. I have to control myself so that I will not have a huge constant crush, which will only do more damage than good. Does maturity justify the act of stopping oneself from infatuations (which is human nature). I really can't do it, but God can. The bible says we can do all things thru Christ who strengthen me. The bible also stated that when we pray and believe, it will be done for us. The bible taught us to seek God first. Trust in the Lord with all our heart, and lean not to our own understand. Our mind and God's intelligent can never to compared as God is the creator. I am sure that God is with me, I can change myself for the better because God is able.

For the special girl whom I had crushed for 4 years, I am so sorry. It took me so long to realize that this is so stupid. By the way if a girl has a crush on me, I will probably feel awkward and somehow strained as well, because I can never achieve the perfect expectation and image that she had on me. I believe love brews like a wine, the longer, the better. Crush is like an explosion, intense at first then it comes to nothing except devastation.

I admit that I will probably missed out the fun of being in a relationship based on infatuations and crush. I will probably miss out the chance to learn from teenager's relationship experience for adulthood application. It's kinda sad but I guess that's how things went for me. But I know that as long as God is in control, I shall not worry.

College again

yes, it's just the begining of the semester and I am feeling down

I am not as hardworking as I was during high school

Well, I am struggling to keep up the excelence,, my time management can not cope it

It is only by the grace of God that I becae an excellent student in SPM

So i am trusting God for the foundation year..

Well,,,  I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me

What really bugs my mind is that my classmates are hardworking. I am not. I feel guilty whenever I didn't tried my very best for the exams.. I did not tried my best in everything like I did back in High school..

God, thank you for the strength. I know you have a great plan for me. I'm just lazy, too lazy. It doesnt mean that I have to emulate someone who is deemed excellent. I have my own way of doing things, own kind of success. If i am rigidly compared to my sisters, I will be damned. Yet, I can excel in other fields. Thank God for that. But when parental pressure comes into the equation, things will be difficult. It is hard sometimes to see the line between respectful and logical-rationality.

God bless me! Yes, God is good to me

move on

It's time to move on. I miss America, I miss my host family. I miss American friends. I don't know it I'm using my exchange program to USA as a show off to my home country friends... but yeah,, my experience as an exchange student is over. I'm no longer an exchange student. Now I'm settled down as a local university student.

It's almost a month since I left USA. Who will not miss that beautiful country? Yet I think the most important aspect of the exchange program is to learn and experience as much as I can. When i come back, deep down I know I've changed for better or worse. I think now it's how I move on with life that's matter. What's the point of being nostalgic? Yet I can't help but feeling nostalgic all the time. I am kinda depressed now.

The K-L YES program to USA for 2014 batch is out. One of my school mate's (junior) name is on the list. Honestly, I felt replaced. I know it sounded kinda ridiculous. I've been gaining lots of attention due to my experience in USA. Now that I'm back, nobody gives a shit about it. And then came this new guy who will embark on his journey to USA next year. I'm so selfish, I wanted all the praises for myself. But yet, this is life.. I wish the best for him! My secondary school rocks! Now I know how my senior felt when he saw my USA pictures on social media. But it's time to move on.

Suddenly i felt that keeping contact with host family and friends in USA is sooooo important1 I'm so immature! But my logic is that, the more I worry about it and give a whole lotta attention about it, the more it will go down and fail, probably due to my high expectation. So I had to force myself not to put too much attention in it. It's not easy. I don't if I'm keeping USA contact as show off or what.. but life is like that. Everything is transient. I had to force myself to be ready to accept the fact that they don't need me anymore. I have to force myself to be ready if we really did lost contact and never meet each other again. But it's a nice memory,, it will be nice if I can see them again. But it's ok if nothing happens. I need strength for constant self denial. I need God's help actually. No, I desperately hunger for God's presence.

May God's love be shown and demonstrated to all believer becoz God is good.

Reflection

Well, I'm in Uni now. Life presents lots of challenge.

I have internal struggle alot.

Sometimes I wonder if I think too much by asking "why" for every situation. But I believe I gained insights and wisdom by reflection, and that's very crucial for maturity.

Why am I uncomfortable in front of certain people? Bcoz I am shy. Why am I shy? Bcoz I don't want to present my flaws. Why no flaws? Bcoz I want them to have a perfect image of me. Why perfect? Bcoz I like to show off. Why show off? Bcoz I'm proud. Why proud? Bcoz I want to get praises. Why praises? Bcoz I'm prideful in nature.... see? only Jesus can change me. I don't blame my parents.. Well probably it's in the gene (My dad has more or less the same personality as me), but I can never blame the genetic factor for my flaws. I can either choose to sulk here or take the initiative to change myself for the better. Yes, It's never easy. It requires self denial, facade of strength and most of all resilience.

Why do I have crush on every attractive person (of opposite sex) I met? Bcoz I'm greedy, I want them to infatuate on me (yes that's my thinking, so terrible isnt it? ). Why infatuate? Bcoz I want to be famous and liked by everyone. Why liked? Bcoz my ego demands it. Why ego? Bcoz I'm proud......... and it all boils down to pride in myself.

I'd rather be alone and be hurt than hurting someone else due to my immaturity. It's better to be alone than to jeopardize one's value. It's never about how I looked or imaged by other people. It's about how I think of myself, what's inside that matters the most. God sees the inside rather than the outside. What God thinks of me is greater than what people do.

We are the children of God. By God's grace he has saved us from eternal death. Now we are called to his kingdom, all glory to him. God sees us as a masterpiece. So We shall see ourselves as a prized invention, prized possession of God.

Well,, I'd rather stand alone believing in the values than to conform to the society. It sounds stupid and rebellious. It'll never be easy. But that's how maturity work I guess. Until I find someone who shares the same value with me, I'll be alone. Some people are just meant to be acquaintances, some will eventually become life-long friends. Everyone is different, we can never compare our life experiences with one another. Making friends for the sake of making friends for companion doesn't work for me. I am individualistic, I admit.

Until I believe my maturity has grown to a sufficient level, I will try my best not to infatuate or be in a relationship. I know it sounds funny. But I've seen lots of instances that immaturity destroyed a relationship, hurting both parties. That doesn't imply that maturity will guarantee perfect relationship, but it'll find a better solution to solve the conflicts and differences. I'd rather hurt myself than to hurt someone else due to my immaturity. What's the point of marriage if the relationship is not healthy and strong?

Wrapping up: Reflection is always better than spoon-fed knowledge

Lessons from the movie 3 idiots

I just watched the movie 3 idiots and it taught me alot!


Pursue excellence, and success will follow.

When things is bad, just say all is well

Don't worry about tomorrow

The education system put too much emphasis on grades, not the pure joy and essence of learning.

We are forced to memorise facts, not in our own interest

Make your passion your profession


A great movie. Seldom see a movie which made me laugh and yet taught me a few things about life and humanity.

College Life

Well, my college life starts

it's been a week I'm in college

Things are not getting right for me.
U can say I'm still very immature,, yes I admit. 5 months in USA didn't help me in getting self confidence and maturity


I don't have "friends" in college. I am a loner, very lonely and individualistic. My sister says that frens are very very important in college life. I know that. But I don't want to lose myself just to get frens for companion. I mean frenz are not for show off or just companion, Frens are the one who share the same values and belief. I yet to find the group of frens whom I'm suitable with, probably will never find it.

I know i shouldnt be so negative. God says our words are very important, so don't curse ourselves. But for me based on my experience everytime i expect something to be bad, it turns out right.

I thought I will be bullied and expects the worst in USA, yet I had some good frens and a good time in USA. I thought i will never get some frens among the malaysian exchange students. Yet, somehow I got very very attached to 5 girls and we became inseparable for 8 days. I actually expect myself to be a loner, and I don't mind being a loner.

Well, I have no companion or a clique in University. Probably due to my individualistic character. I know it's important to have  frens in order to survive college life. Why do I feel like going for Foundation year in Uni is like going back to Form 1 in secondary school. Frankly, I enjoyed Form 5 much more than Form 1-4. Does it mean that I will not enjoy uni life until my final year?

I understand that I must hold on to my values even if I'm standing alone

Yup, I am a loner, and I expect to be alone for the rest of my uni year. So emo right? But I have to try my best to deny the fact that I am very in need of a companion.

My sister probably will criticize me for my thinking and behavior. But I feel like doing it. Don't know why I feel like a kid again in Foundation year. Most probably I am.

Maybe It's better to be alone than to be with the wrong group of people. Most importantly don't lose myself. It's very important to have the right balance between individualism and cliques. I've been in a clique before. I totally understand how it feels to be included or excluded in a clique.

God is with me, He is my shepherd. Even if I walk thru the valley of death I shall not be afraid. Lord Jesus, I dont know what I'm doing here in college but U know better than I. So I'll just trust in you, have your peace, will not worry about anything. Yes, although I am weak, you are my strength.

Well, that's for today. Probably more to come becoz this is the only platform I can express myself without any legal or physical consequences.

I miss my Malaysian exchange students! Hope they will not have the bad experience as I have right now. Well, depends on your interpretation, I am probably now in the best situation ever if seen in a different perspective.

I expect myself to be lonely and alone for the foundation year. I am ready. I don't mind. Fakes to be strong. Not going out of comfort zone. Yeah. This is either the stupidest mistake or the wisest choice I've ever made. I know I'm quite negative. But this is what I feel. Expect nothing and don't think too much. Don't expect too much. Don't compare college experience with others. But deep down I am very sure that God will pull me thru. Someday I'll be top of the world before I even knew or expected it.

God is good, He'll do something awesome in my life. I trully believe it. Not bcoz I want fame and fortune that I say this, but bcoz God's glory will be shown. I , a loser and loner, made strong by the Lord Jesus who is living in me.

I just hope Foundation year will nopt be bad. #expect nothing

A miracle!

I will be travelling to USA 2molo. Yesterday AFS Malaysia say they need an additional flu jab letter. They need it today. Yes i did get an additional flu jab. But i dont know AFS need an additional letter.

I cant go back to the doctors because I am like thousand miles away from the doctor in KK. (I am in KL)

So, how can I get an immunization letter in 24 hours?

It was a really big miracle(s) by God!

Miracle #1: my uncle willing to help me

My uncle in KK went to the doctor to get the immunization letter.  Miracle #2: The doctor is willing to write one!

Then he went to the KK airport to find someone to bring it to my dad in KL airport. Miracle #3: Some malay woman is kind enough to help!

My dad went all the way from hotel to the airport (about 1 hour journey) Miracle #4: Dad has the strength and compassion to help me in this little matter. The Malay women managed to find my dad.

Miracle#5: There is a 7-eleven shop near the hotel

Miracle#6: A kind cashier helped me to scan, print and photocopy

Miracle#7: There is internet connection in the hotel

In the end, I can send it to AFS Malaysia. Coincidence? No!! This is obviously miracle by God! What a testimony!


I begin to wonder what all these troublesome is for. Actually it is not so much about overcoming the problems, it is about trusting God and giving God all the glories. I believe he will heal my sore throat which is very irritation right now!

A hated guy

Well, my blog is not meant to gain pageviews or make money out of it. So i will not care wat i write will attract more views or not..

Well, there is this guy in my (ex) secondary school. I wont mention his name here but... well he is hated almost by everyone for no particular reason at all.

No, he dont have physical deformation, it is wat inside of him. I used to be like him u know... haha. then later i come to my sense and maturity, i decided to try my best to put down tat part of me every single second.

Imagine I cant be myself in every circumstances bcoz of the "hated nature" of myself. Hard to describe the feelings by using words but it is like a constant inner struggle. One part of me, the maturity is trying to put down the another part of me, the senseless naive kid.

Back to the guy, well I know i can not hate tat guy bcoz he is God's beloved creation. God did asked us love the unlovable. So.... I m categorizing him as unlovable. Yes, i m judging him. Sometimes, i felt sorry 4 him. I mean, wat had he done tat made us so hate him? He did not really annoy me, but... the moment he talked to me i felt he is irritating.

erm.... deep down i know how he felt bcoz i felt tat b4. I just hope someday he can reach the point of maturity and wisdom,,, not to bother girls anymore using the old fashioned way! hahaha
(i did tat b4 too when i was 14!)

anyway, in context of my experience, my maturity comes with the cost of pain, shame, regret, struggle and perpetual separation from former friendships. Sometimes i wonder is all these worth the prize? is all these must be part of growing up? Can u gain maturity the simpler and easier way? I reckoned i gain it thru a hard way.

I just hope my experience and maturity will be sufficient to face the new challenges in USA.

My Flaws

Nobody is perfect. So i gonna list down all the flaws and imperfection of my life and everything. Anyway, this is not a self tattering declaration. But thru our weaknesses, God's amazing power can be shown. U see? God can use a guy like me for his purposes. He turned a nobody into somebody.

My Flaws:
I am emotionally unstable. I can be happy in the few minutes before turning into a complete monster.
I am immature
I am selfish
I loved to be praised
I want to be the centre of attention
Boastful
Lack of confidence
Disrespectful
I love to manipulate other people for my own benefits. I am very inconsiderate.
I want to date all the beautiful faces I met (quite greedy isnt it?)
Lack of communication skills
Hurtful to people Dont know how to cherrish a good friendship
Weird. Dont know how to fully express my thoughts. Thinks too much. Very sensitive. Cannot accept people's criticism.
A control freak. Can never accept other people's way. Thinks my way is the best
Reckoned myself as owez right, I am the best.