Oh my

Haiz... I am down. Very down

better express this out than to keep this in my heart, though it may sounds funny and ridiculous.

Well, erm i am 17 years old. This world is governed by relativity. Am I old? Yup if you are a small kid. Am I young? Yup if you are my granpa

So, am I mature enough to handle life after SPM? Yup if you are my junior. No if you are my parents or senior.

I just hope that I am ready to face the world. I am tired to held on to this facade of maturity. Inside I have a tumult mind. I wanted to get silly. But I know I just cant do that. I am waiting to blow up. In the end, I myself is suffering.

I just need an environment where I can be myself, regardless what ppl say. Go ahead and say that I am still immature because I am indeed! Yet, the cost of immaturity is heavy. Oh my please help me I m stuck!

How I wish I can shut down my mind from thinking too much. Thinking too much do more harm than good

Haiz

yes i am immature.
 God can train me to be mature.

 But the cost of maturity is heavy. Many wanted to achieve maturity without going thru the painful process. But when we think of the consequences of immaturity, the cost of maturity does pay off.

When I was a child, I think like a child, wanting to please myself all the time. When I grow up, I think like a grown man, taking care of others more than myself. A sacrifice isn't it?

We go thru pains to become a better person. We gain maturity in the process so that we can bear with the immaturity of the young. Maturity means giving more than receiving. It takes time to nurture these traits in fact.

What am I doing? I once thinking of manipulating my frens for my own importance. In the end, I found myself alone. I am a bad person. God turned me around. I became more considerate to my classmates. Immaturity had spoiled friendships. But maturity forged strong bonds.

well, i hope i am mature enough to take care of myself, parents, siblings and dearest friends. They do not deserve to suffer just because of my immaturity.

My feelings #cathartic

So, I have not been seeing my classmates for like almost 2 months

I missed them alot.
Hm I usually lied that I dont have a crush, but indeed I do

I know, infatuation cant go anywhere but failure

So i promised myself to become mature before involving in a relationship. I wanted to cherish a girl. I dont want to be volatile, inconsiderate, bad tempered, immature or emotionally unstable.

Yet all these traits flow in my blood, doesnt it? ever since the fall of Man, we are subjected to all kinds of bad personality. Only God can change us.

Why I so fast jealous? I mean, we wont be seeing each other again. But why do i harbour envy when i saw pictures of her with other guys on facebook? okay I am very very immature. That's why I am not ready for a relationship. I don't want my girlfriend to suffer. She deserve alot more better. A good relationship strengthens each other, not draining out both sides' energy.

But when I am immature, I did alot alot of stupid things. Now I had to bear the consequences. It was so shameful and awkward!! How I wish it never happen!! Anyway I hope these experience will give me wisdom for further relationships.

Based on what I observed, immaturity is a main problem in a relationship. Mostly it occurs on boys. Guys want appreciation and praise. Girls want to feel loved and treasured. With both sides demanding and neither sides giving in, quarrels occurs. In the end, they broke up.

I had a classmate who broke up just because he is immature. He was not ready, he just wanted to show off. In the end, the girl suffers, the guy humiliated.

Better to be single than to be in a shallow relationship. Don't get into a relationship before you are mature enough to handle all the pain. Relationship basically is 1% honeymoon and 99% endurance. In the end, we have a 100% perfect relationship which is born out of imperfection.

Yup, I guess I am not ready yet, Maybe I will be single for life, who knows? But God had much greater plan for me. He is arranging the right time and the right girl to show up. Yes, trust in him and everything will be fine, although it seems otherwise.

Well, for the girl of my dream, my infatuation embarrassed me, but I deserved it very much! Be happy!! haha

over!

shit is over! i have finished SPM! Now wait for the result only

Praise God for his guidance over these horrendous month. Without him, i can not do anything but stress

well, thank God for his mercy, all glory to him !!

Introvert

Seriously, I am an introvert. Is there anything wrong with that? I can't make frens quick. I need time to see thru their heart, and make a few close friends, not a bunch of fair-weathered friends.

Alright, parents and teachers condemned me for being antisocial. I mean, that is my personality. You guys are pressuring me out. Yes, I know the benefits of being socially active. But I don't want to be fake just to please my parents. My parents are introverts themselves, what do you expect from your children? You can't get grapes from a fig tree.

Parents, I know you want me to be better in public relationship. But I really needed time to adjust, need time to train up myself. Stop comparing me with other kids. Yes, some people are born, brought up with good social skills bcoz their family environment encourages that.

To be honest, my family is never the "popular" type. We do things secretly, like a dark horse, achieving success and give glory to God, Nothing to boast about.

If you ask me why am I quieting there alone, not talking to anyone, or being too quiet,,,, actually this is my way to adapt to new society. Actually I am not quiet, I just seemed quiet.

So please, stop pressuring me to talk more or faking myself just to be the "most socially active" guy.

studying BIO, CHEM, AKAUN

Ok, these three subjects are my weakest. I am totally stressed up now. I have no guarantee that what I studied today will be in memory for next week's SPM. It sucks when all the information goes to short term memory instead of the long one. I totally 4got how to make akauns, how to make salts, what diseases....etc... Hey! I studied oledi for trial, but now I 4get again. Yes, they say i shud relax. But deep down i know if I dnt study I will sure fail, I will not make it.

Anyway thank God for everything. He will pull me thru

8 down, 4 more to go

today i had just finished physics paper. Honestly, it is very hard. hm.... I felt very very stress the day before. I am all stressed up. But once it is over, i am high up on the moon.

No use worrying the things that are yet to come, just trust the lord, place all burdens to him. He keep his promises, he is faithful, he never forsake me. I am sure of his goodness and blessings. I can't stop but praising Jesus' name. Yes, he grant me the peace that nothing on earth could offer.

Sometimes I felt abandoned, but Jesus is always there. I cant see him, but I can feel him inside. God give me strength to go thru the hard papers

Now tis is my BIG BIG problem: I submitted my US visa application with lots of lies. Now I redo again. Later I scare i cannot go to US bcoz of Visa problems. I am worried.

Everytime I face a BIG BIG problem, I know God is BIGGER BIGGER.

Imagine Peter walking on water. If he had total focus on Jesus instead of the horrendous sea, he might no sink. The main thing is not the ability to walk on water and succeed, but to trust Jesus in every circumstances.

The main thing is not 12A+ in SPM, but to trust Jesus for his guidance. In every circumstances, the focal point should beon  how great and almighty Jesus is, not How terrible my problems is. Siewlan told me that Jesus will never put you into a situation without providing a way out. He will provide strength, in the process, we learn, moulded, purified and become better.

Though sumtimes we felt that Jesus left us, but he is always there. Oh Lord, may your peace bestow on all SPM students for the coming subjects

Sluggish

1 week holiday made me sluggish, lacking motivation to study and no exam mood. I am worry. But casting all the worries and burden to God is a good choice. 

God will never leave us nor forsaken us. Just trust in him, do our best in SPM, n he will help us. He is good God. 

Let his name be glorified thru our SPM result. A ll glory to God. Let's praise his name

Lacking Motivation to Study

Yes, next week is SPM, I still procrastinating to study. I have no motivation, don't know why. I prayed that God will help me in my studies, but if I am so lazy, what can I do?

My heart is not in the books, it flies away. I dont know if I am studying right or not

Biology is hard, very hard. I am afraid that someday I will blame Facebook, Blog, Youtube for dragging my results down

Too much leisure, make me sluggish
Without leisure, I am rotting, the efficiency of studying is very low.

So, finding the optimum leisure time is very very important.

I am worried, But i shudnt.

I felt guilty everytime I relax. Haih

tired of studying

I hate studying, frankly

Hate it

But they say working life is much more terrible

Anyway I shud be thankful right now

Being a teenager, I eat, shit, sleep for free. No nid to worry about financial problems

But.... I am dying of boredom. Can you imagine having nothing to do for one whole week? Yes, I need to study. But I'm on the verge of getting crazy. Having nobody to talk to, nothing to do except for studying is driving me nuts, seriously, nuts!!

Even walking around the house is a fun activity for me compared to studying. I feel so anti-social. Nobody talk to me. Everyday the same routine. Now I understand how granny felt, or how other left-alone children felt

Boredom is malicious, Boredom is fatal.

I surf the web for nothing. Everyday is the same: YOUTUBE, FACEBOOK, WIKIPEDIA, RANDOM NEWS,  BLOG..................... seriously, i miss school days now

Loved to study

I keep bluffing myself:" I love to study!!"

Study is fun

Study is good

Study is like an entertainment

I can't live without study

I love to study every hour, every day

I can't wait to study a whole new interesting chapter

Study is like a piece of cake

I will miss studying when SPM is over.

That's how i cheat myself, motivating myself to .... study harder

I hope I can study smart. By God's wisdom, well, let's pray for that

Slim chance

Today I am happy to receive a letter of confirmation as an exchange student to US

When I looked back, I saw that this was definitely a miracle of God. What a slim chance I have!

I never thought I could pass thru the first round of interview. My mum say that the purpose of joining this program is to allow me to experience the process of interview, beneficial for my life ahead. Nobody thought I pass thru the interview and got to the second round of interview in KL.

Before leaving for KL, my mum and dad keep saying that I cant make it becoz of the slim chance. But there is something telling me that there is a purpose for me when I am in US. God is training me up to be his servant, I am sure God has his plans for me if I am able to make it thru the second round of interview

That night, dad and mum argue about my future. They say I may have to sacrifice alot for a short term enjoyment. I cried that night. Imagine when you dont have family's support, you are like one against the world. My mum and dad keep saying I will fail, better dont go KL. They say if I want to go US they can afford to pay it. Imagine your mum telling you to join a competition and when you wins it to get to the finals, your mum discourage you suddenly because she claimed that the purpose of joining competition is not to win the prize, but to gain experience. That's exactly how I felt. I mean, Mum! If you want me to gain interview experience, there are many ways, not necessary by giving discouragement in this program. You ask me to go for it, I made it, so I will try my best to win it, but now you are stopping me? I am confused. My dad keep asking me not to go KL becoz he say me and Mum rebel against him. Haih

Deep down, I hope I can get it thru the second round of interview. My heart sunken when I heard Marliana and Jazbir, my schoolmates joining the same AFS program, got selected as finalist, whilst I am chosen as a reserve. I mean, that's it, that is the full stop of my journey. Then my parents asked me to stop taking note of what's going on in the AFS program. But if God can make me reach the finalist, although a reserve, certainly he is up to something. 55 Finalist are chosen from 128 applicants which is chosen from over 1000 participants. I never thought I can make it to the finalist. Actually my heart soured abit when Marliana got it, while I get into reserve team. I mean, yes I shud not be jeolous. I just dont want to think too much.

See that now? it is 5% chance that I made it. And I did, so I finish up the forms and pass it up to AFS Malaysia. I tell you, the forms are horrendous, I have to stay up almost everynight just for the form. My dad will not sign the form. HE SCOLDED ME FOR CONTINUING THE PROGRAM

Then, as days pass by, Elaine Chong, a supervisor for AFS Malaysia, called me and said that I am out of the reserve team, into the finalist becoz sum1 dropped out due to private matters. I was overjoyed! The probability of a reserve getting into finalist is very very slim. When my dad heard this, HE SUDDENLY SUPPORT ME. He claim that he had helped me in everything from the begining up to this stage. Well, in reality, he never supported me until the day Elaine called up

Anyway, I am not very happy with the way my parents react. But I thanked God now they supported me. You know sometimes, as parents, when you wanted something good for your child, you must prepare to take risk. Like my mum, she saw how happy Kevin Hui in US so she wanted the same for me. So she asked me to join the program. I hope next time she will think about the cost, risk and responsibilities of letting her children going after certain prizes. Every prize has a price. Every privilege comes with a responsibility. Mum, if you really want me to go US, be prepared to take up your responsibility and risk as a mother to get your child ready.

So, I am overjoyed when I receive confirmation letter today. Yes, I am going to the US. It is a slim chance. Thank God for that. You know, God's plan owez surpass all understandings. Me and Marliana are going together. It was a slim chance too!! Having two finalist from the same school, same city being selected to join the exchange program .

Who ever thought a kampung boy like me is getting off the US? I hope that I have the strength and courage to go thru difficulties in US. Yes, God will strengthen me, he is faithful. IT WAS TOTALLY A MIRACLE

I forgave my parents. I have to be thankful for them. There are no perfect parents. So, accepting their flaws is the key to a blessed family. As their son, I am obliged to show respect and obedience to them, although ....... yes it is hard sometimes especially witnessing how they treated me in this program.... anyway, I loved them very much!

Studying Add Math

Well, Add math for me is tough. When I'm in Form 4, I used to fail. But thanks to a few very good teachers, I started to pass, and now probably preparing for my best in the coming SPM. Anyway, I want to urge all SPM candidates to be careful of careless mistakes. Sometimes the questions that we think are easy, turns out to be a trap question. Being too confident is never beneficial, so does being too negative. So try your best to look out for careless mistakes, maybe it can save some marks

Well, studying according to timetable is never easy. Forcing myself to follow the rigid time limit is ....Hm... make me crazy. Now I wish SPM faster over.

Ok, Differentiation and Integration is hard, very hard.

Now there is a week break, a lull before the storm. All these days are consecrated to studies. It is a huge sacrifice and I pray that it will pay off

Lord, grant all the SPM candidates to have wisdom and good method of doing revision, doing their best in the exam

All hard works do pay off, it is just the matter of efficiency
Pressure don't drive you higher, motivation does

This is a SPM student journal

Well, I am getting crazier everyday. I start talking to myself. Talk and Talk, Laughing in the inter phase. Being alone can be the most excruciating moment. Having no one else to talk to, all my heart voice cant be expressed.

All these days I just eat, sleep, shit, study

A vicious cycle

can make people go crazy

now i can't wait for end of SPM.

But will everything return to normal ever since I sacrificed a whole part of me to study?

Haiz SPM life sucks

Due to SPM, I can't enjoy parties, camps, and all sorts of fun.
Hm I begin to wonder if all these sacrifices are worth the prize. You Know, taking exam is always a risk.

And I never know How lucky or miraculous I got in the Trial exam

Why shud i sacrifice my youthhood??

If I study too hard, I miss out the best part of being a teenager

If I dont study hard, I will languish in poignant regret when the result comes out.

Anyway, I am glad that God helped me in everything I do. It is good to trust in the Lord

I wrote tis to prevent myself from going crazy

Yep, SPM is half way done. 5 subjects down, 7 more to go. I have no idea how I did well in the trial. If I say is luck, no one believe me. Deep down I know it is by God's grace and mercy that i can do tis. It is never by my strength. I never expect I could achieve tis on my own. It is owez by God's awesome power tat such great things can happen. Well, SPM IS HERE AND i AM NOT SURE WHAT MINDSET SHUD i HAVE.

When trial, I am stressed up, beefed up and totally oblivious.

In SPM, it is a different story. My sisters are awesome. They got straight A's and totally dependent to God. Nobody thought that they are going to get that far. My school is notorious for being posh, snobbish and totally arrogant. The students looked down on my sisters. But in the end, what rili matters is that my sisters totally trust God, place their worries unto him and give thnx for all that he had done. It is never about the amount of A's in the slip, it is about putting God first than anything else.

Hm SPM standard is high. I onced dream of geeting straight A+. I knew it is impossible for me. But with God, it is possible. So how to do it "with God?" I thought deeply about it. Then I realised is that I have to believe God can do the impossible. A small town, small guy guy like could be the testimony of God's power. The more the weakness i have shown, the greater, the more contrast, the more obvious God's strength will be shown.

Well, no one actually expect me to get straight A+, neither do me. But I believe in this Super God. What for I get all A+ if I only bring glory to myself? There are many more people who scored full A+. But wat tis result become special becoz of God's help, not by my own strength. It is a pleasure to die to oneself, be alive with Christ. Let Christ's light shine, and I am carrying out his purpose. Yes, Let God's glory be shown in tis small puny matter.

My Subjects:

BM
BI
SEJ
BK
MATH
PM
PHY
MT
CHEM
BIO
AK
GEO


Let's pray for them!!!