Forced positivity

What I'm feeling:
Loneliness, it struck me
I put on a fake smile everyday, thinking everything is fine. Hoping people will see I'm living the good life.
By the way I'm a living a life physically where many people dream of: not worrrying about food and money, studying in UK, travelling etc
I'm actual fact, emotionally, I'm battered. It's the best and worst time of my life thus far. There's an emptiness, a void, a hole in my heart.
I understand that Holy Spirit could fill that void, but then again psychologically, I'm not balanced. I'm in the border of depression.
The void only grew bigger and bigger; what used to satisfy me no longer do so. What used to excite me no longer do so.

What I should do
Look at the positive side! Choose to remember the good stuff! Everything is going to be ok! Clear skies after rain! All these are temporal! Appreciate what you have!!!! Be thankful!

What I actually did
I allowed negative emotions a foot hole, why? Because that how I'm being hones with myself, not lying to myself about how I actually felt. Every night, I ponder upon things , things I should be doing, but I didn't. Every night, I thought about how much I actually have back in first and second year, which I don't have now. I'm afraid that what I have in third year now willl be taken away sooner or later. Sad, but hey that's how life works. Day by day, we grow stronger through the pain, in the end, what matters is the character that we cultivated

Australasia according to Malaysians

Africa according to Malaysians

South America according to Malaysians

North America according to Malaysians

Europe according to Malaysians

Asia according to Malaysians

Malaysia according to Malaysians

Sad without an apparent reason

I think my emotions are unstable. One moment I'm happy, another moment I'm sad. And I'm not having PMS as I'm a male.
I think deep down I'm sad because of stress.
Stress in work
Stress in achieving the expectations etc
sad
sad
sad
:(

How Far I've gone

One year ago today, if I told myself that I'll be looking forward for the end of placement, I would not believe it.
One year ago today, if I told myself that  ______________________, I would not believe it
1. I'm living the dream in Aberdeen
2. I'm working with professionals in confidence
3. I can do more and less some small talk

The point is, I need to be grateful at where I am now, all thanks to God. It's all an unexpected peaceful miracle.
Last year, I had a slimmest hope of getting into placement. I applied for 20+ jobs, only Atkins came back, and thank God!
Since I did not deserve it, what more can I do other than to give my best and be thankful everyday.
Same with God's salvation, since we do not deserve to be alive and saved, what more can we do than to give God praise and live your life for Jesus Christ.

Lord, really, Lord, help me to put my trust in you, because I know with my own strength, I can't.
Lord, help me to do my best, and let you do the rest, and may your peace be with me.

So now, today, I have a slight depression apparently. I went online for some self diagnosis and apparently I'm categorized with mild depression. It's probably due to loneliness and lack of social interaction.

In this phase of depression, I seek for human warmth, and hence explain the increase of desperation of looking for "the one". Yet, the more I think of it, the more I reckon I'm not suitable or worth it. First of all, I know deep down I'm a selfish guy. Secondly, my personality mirrors my dad's. Growing up, witnessing how Dad's words and actions can be abusive, volatile, and hurtful; I think I'll be just like him after I'm married, hurting everybody. That's why I'm thinking that I'm never ready for any relationship, because of who I am. It's a wound that I need to resolve. I know people don't change in their core, it's the maturity in controlling oneself that changes over time.

I'm tired. I don't think I could provide the emotional need if I really got into a relationship. I took it as my fate ? Since I'm thinking like this, I should never feel jealous whenever I see happy cute couples walking around or the fact that somebody has someone to belong. Even if I feel jealous, I need to suppress it.

Watching Makoto Shinkai's anime films meme

Not Ready

As much as I wanted a girlfriend, I need to reflect upon myself, on what's the motive behind these desperations, and am I really ready?

The short answer is: No, I'm not ready, and my motives are not clear.

First of all, at this phase of my life, I encountered severe loneliness, probably due to the fact that I'm alone most of the time.
Wanting a partner due to loneliness is not the best reason. In fact, I should not look for a partner based only on the need for companionship

Secondly, no I'm not ready. Emotionally, I'm volatile, just like my dad. I'm just like my parents. So, every time I see my parents quarrel, I wonder if I'll end up like them in the future, pondering if I'm worth having a wife, as I will not be able to handle her delicate heart.

So, how do you cure loneliness?
Honestly, I don't know. But this is part and parcel of life
I need to learn how to feel ok when I'm alone
I watched movies, travelled, read books etc.
Anything to fill up my time

Watched 3 Makoto Shinkai's Film

Today I decided to watch 3 Makoto Shinkai's film consecutively.

• 5 Centimeter per second (2007)
• Garden of Words (2013)
• Your Name (2016)

It's the best way to feel poignant sadness, watching Makoto's films. I'm such a smart ass haha, already in the phase of my life where I'm constantly alone, I decided to add the sadness by watching these movies.

Overall, these movies' theme is about longing and separation. It's a realistic depiction of what "love" is, and how it usually ended up separation by time and space. After watching these movies, I feel sad, and depressed.

5 Centimeter per second (2007) taught me about the importance to let go of the past infatuation, stop thinking/hoping about the ideal girlfriend or the ideal outcome. As always, ideal expectation sure will disappoint. I also learn to try to appreciate the present, the people in my present life, and try to get the best out of it. In the end, it's the memories that matters. It's how I remember that matters. Even though if other people think my situation is an ordeal, as long as I remember it positively, that'll do. That's why ignorance is bliss, it's like not knowing you're in a shit hole, and being happy about it, because you didn't realise you're in a shit hole. This film also reminded me about my past infatuations with a lot of girls, and to forget about the idealized version of them in my mind, because I reckon crushes will probably not work. A great film that touches our heart, and taught us that although looking back can be sweet, looking forward at the present might be the best.

Garden of Words gave me a feeling of longing for a companion, not necessary a romantic one, but someone who can just enjoy each other's company. If social convention have no dictation, I wonder whom can I enjoy my companionship with, might be someone unexpected. Well, if only a place where there's no social conformity actually exist. I can actually relate to this film very well because in this phase of my life, I'm pretty much alone, not knowing if this will last a lifetime. I always joke to myself that I will die a virgin, lol. I can really relate to the character, Yukino, who basically lives on her own, having no friends, and rather stressed about life, which is crumbling around her. It was in this film that I realized my problem is a bit similar to the character: not revealing to others what important. I've been living my life a lie so far, not telling other people how I really felt about things. It will be hard to admit my loneliness to others, because having no friends and no weekend plans and no hangouts is rather embarrassing haha. This film is a tribute to the people who are currently in the state of loneliness, and that being loneliness is not a 100% bad thing, but it's not 100% ok. What it really meant to me is to acknowledge my loneliness, not be embarrassed by it, but embrace it as part of the process of growing up and maturing in time.

Your Name, when I first watched it, it overwhelms me with emotions, the longing emotion of searching for someone who can really fill the void. Now, I've watched the film for like the 20th time. I began to realise the plot holes haha. Anyway, enough of nitpicking. This film made me nostalgic of any infatuations feelings I have for any girl, or fi there's a girl destined for us to be together. It made me wonder if there's someone out there. But then again, in reality, you're the one who is suppose to make the initiative to meet people. It's like looking for something that could fill up the loneliness and emptiness in my heart. I just love this film so much, made me very emotional. In the midst of hectic schedule, one does ponder if there's a great connection with a special person can exist. At least this film positive ending, unlike the other two, which were more melancholic.

I'm at this stage of my life

Right now, at this phase of my life, I'm on work placement. I earn money, I live in a nice apartment (for now). I can literally do whatever I want. I am well off financially (relatively)

Yet,

I'm still empty. I feel like my life is rather meaningless now. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing, only social and work pressure.

I need Jesus

Other people go back to their house from work got family, kids, girlfriend, friends etc

Me? I go back home from work, only to be alone and lonely again. No friends, no, nothing.

I remember vividly, 10 years ago, I yearn to listen to Jay Chou songs, unlimited.
I remember vividly, 10 years ago, I yearn to grow long hair.

Now, I sien already, I can listen to every jay chou song anytime, but I sien
Now, I sien of my long hair, because need to maintain, Hair gel etc

Right now, I yearn for a partner lol, but that's only because I'm lonely
Someday, I will sien of my wife and kids, someday
Sad

It's funny, it's like my life is getting better and worse at the same time.
Good - I actually can work at my own pace, listen to any music I want during work. And I come back to a nice apartment, a nice meal, and I can watch any movie I want. Freedom
Bad - In Social life, it's deteriorating. I screwed up. Lonely and sad. But who can I admit it to?  I don't have close friends at work. At most are only acquaintances. Everyday, I'm afraid to socialize. I just want to be alone, which made me feel comfortable

Someday I'll miss my placement. I need to enjoy it. I don't know how but I need to.