inner thoughts

Go ahead, laugh, I don't really mind. I'm pretty sure I myself will laugh at what I wrote, maybe 10 years later. Yup, this is how I feel at this moment. Better to write it out than to bury it I guess

I am alone, most of the time. Somehow I am not a very social person. I have a lot of acquaintances, but don't really have close friends whom I can share my thoughts with. From what I observe, My dad and Mum are something like that, sisters too! I have experienced the consequences of choosing wrong cliques before.
I dare not to conform just to join a clique or whatsoever. I am just being myself, but does that mean I have to be alone all the time? But I am sure God will make me a good friend to those beside me.

I'm just being picky. Should I sacrifice some of my values just to get some "friends"? no I don't think so. I guess I gonna be alone for this semester. But hey! Being alone doesn't mean being lonely. Sometimes being with a group of "friends" make me lonelier as I have different values than them. I understand that God created each of us as a unique person. There's no other person like me on this planet. It's up to my maturity to tolerate and bear with each other without jeopardizing my values and belief. Somehow I sometimes feel like I'm a little boy trapped in an adult body>>> Puberty!! I'm in my late teens now, should be more independent, strong and determined, isn't it? Nobody is perfect, the problem is that I am always looking for someone perfect. I have to train myself to accept the imperfection/flaws of others, and ultimately appreciate it for that's what make up their special personality. I got super-lots of flaws, seriously, alot. Alot!

Somehow I always have this crush on this person. It's the 5th year now (how unbelievable). I'm sure I am crushing on the image of her in my brain. It's not the real person, that's why it's a crush. But this crush is pretty huge. Most crushes I had last no more than 6 months, then it's gone. But this person managed to grab on to it for more than 4 years. Well, the funny thing is that I did prayed for her, that her family will receive salvation. Haha! But I know this is just a crush, there is probably no fruits to bear on the road ahead. I am not even her friend! haha! Just a casual acquaintance. If I pressed on, there's probably nothing else but failure due to immaturity. But if I let go and move on, I see myself as a total failure. She knew I had a crush on her, yet she still forgives me, and even agreed to a hangout. Somehow I gotta let it go. I'm just falling for the perfect image I made on her. But thinking back, it's pretty unusual for a crush to last more than a year. This itself is a miracle I guess. Yup, it's time to move on. I guess I started on the wrong foot, due to my immaturity. So yup, immaturity has it dire consequences. But to achieve relative maturity, one has to go through pain, failure, sacrifices. All these things are still smaller than the consequences of staying immature. But once one achieve the relative maturity, he will begin to ponder, is all these sacrifice worth it? Time will tell, and I had experienced it, yes. It is a cruel life on this fallen world. That's why I always wanted to go, back to my heavenly father.

Somehow I can't let go of the image. I am literally obsessed with her. I told myself that God will arrange a soul mate for me, if his will for me is to get married and start a family. She is special to me because she is like a "witch" outside, but inside I know she is good. Due to her special personality, many guys fall for her as well. Most of the guys, well, they are much more successful than me when it comes to relationships. I'm not saying that relationships should be based on impressing one another or comparing. I am just exploding my inner voice out to avoid catastrophe. Am I too picky? If I am gonna look for a relationship, I know I should never compare anyone with her, because "comparison" is not good for a healthy relationship. She is smart, diligent, straight-forward, strong-will, kind-hearted, mature, not conforming to the society around her, basically every personality trait which I like is in her .. yet I am not so sure about the flaws, that's why this is a crush. haha! God knows what lies ahead if I go on to this road. He will prepare the best for me, if I trust in him.

By the way, I always feel happy to see her activities on social media. haha! That's an ultimate crush level! Her character is what venus-fly-trapped me. So far, I haven't seen or known anyone like her. Probably so because she is special (everyone is special in his own ways btw ) to me. haha!! But sadly, this is a crush, an imagination. A sweet imagination. The Most realistic, optimistic outcome is that we will someday become friends and well, stay there. I'll be happy enough to be there. It's a miracle that she still accepts me for who I am, for what I've done to her (my immaturity basically ruined everything). It's always better to go through countless pain and achieve relative maturity than to stay in relative immaturity and fall into pieces.

God's Love

Hillsong did it right. The song "So you would come" had touched me deeply. Yes, God is love. He loves us very much, We're his creation.

Doesn't it make you wanna cry?

Before the world began
You were on His mind
And every tear you cry
Is precious in His eyes
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Nothing you can do
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you've done
Could make Him close the door
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Come to the Father
Though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives
He will take them all
The power of the Word
The power of His blood
Everything was done
So you would come

The Music

No Friend

Go ahead and laugh at this. I admit I'm super immature to think like this. Go ahead, laugh.

I got no friend in Uni. Most of the time I am alone. Why I don't stick to someone? I tried that before and it end up in catastrophe. I don't want my life or time to be bounded by someone else. I just want to do things in my convenience. However, I have to come to a point where I have to accept the consequences of one-man-show life. But is there a balance between self and social life? I'm sure there is. I am still learning to achieve the state where I am "individualistic yet socialized, socialized yet individualistic". This learning process is called "growing up to maturity".

Deep down I am lonely. I need a friend whom I can relate to. I am sure God has placed many wonderful people around me. I just have to adjust my selfish personality. In fact, I don't consider myself as a good friend. Only God can change me. I mean, my concept is that when I get too attached to a clique, most probably I will have to compromise some "value" to continue the stickiness. The ideal situation is that I can find a clique who has the same (or almost) interest and value in life. What's the point of hanging out with so many "friends" just to tell the whole world that "hey look I got so many friends, I'm not a loner, I'm popular, I'm accepted". In the end, if I felt that I'm not myself in the friendship, what's the point? Until I realise/found/revelation a strong friendship, I think I'm gonna be alone.

Yet, I have some people whom I can look to in troubles. I am so selfish that they only exist when I needed help.

Fear

Somehow I am fearful for the next semester. Yes it is funny for the future-me to read this post. I am just letting out what I'm feeling now.

I feel so alone honestly. Yet, I don't dare to make friends because so far nobody can "clique" with me. My CNY, honestly, is boring. But at least I got my car licence and get to spend time with granny.

I just don't know what will happen this coming semester. Sure, I am never the same again. I feel so alone when seeing my coursemates hanging out or doing stuff together. I never felt belong here. But God in his grace and mercy gave me good memories for the past 2 semesters. I just thank God for making me a good friend to others around me (if I am)

It's all about character isn't it. Put a good-character person in a shitty environment, and he will make it wonderful. No matter how good the situation is, if the person has bad character, shit will just turn out.
So, i know I can choose to be happy. Life is nothing but memories, at least that what i think. So I guess i'd just forget about the bad memories, remembering only the good?

I know friends are extremely important. But from my point of view, what's the point of making "friends" out of obligation to survive? What's the point of making "friends" which are not really friends at all. So far, I have a lot of acquaintances, but only a handful of person whom I can talk and trust to. Yet, I think my brainwave doesn't suit everyone easily. I'd just hold on to the values.

So I told myself: It's okay or it's expected for me to be alone, lonely and bored the whole semester. But by God's grace, I shall be victorious, more than a conqueror. Well, every relationship is temporal. Friends will come and go. Death will be the ultimate separator. What to do? Cherish the best out of every friendship/relationship, yet to ready to move one once the season is over. Not easy. But that's what life taught me.

I'm just getting tired. Thank God for a good semester result. I will aim for the best this coming semester. Well, it's gonna be out of my expectation.

Somehow I'm longing for a relationship, a type of friend that i can relate to, a type of friend whom I can be frank with. I know Jesus is my true friend. Yet, in worldly sense, I felt empty. There's a longing for a deep relationship with someone, who I can love. Yes, it sounds super desperate. But i super hate hypocrisy. It's like a yeast in a dough, affecting the whole thing. Yup, God will arrange my life, according to his will, in perfect timing. His works are amazing! He is to be praised forever, for he is King of Kings. So, I'd just lift up my puny life to him for his glory.

A personal prayer

Lord Jesus,

Thank you for sustaining us, the whole time. God you are faithful and just. You will never leave us nor forsake us. Lord, your abundance flows, overflowing in full measure.

Father God, if it's your will, allow me to further my study in UK, in a good university and a good course. I ask that oh God, let the process to be smooth and may your will be done, your name be glorified. I commit all these things into your hand. God, you are in control of everything single thing in my life. I commit my life unto you.

I will do my best in everything because I can do all things through Christ who strengthened me. So Lord Jesus, thank you for being with me, I know I am fine and safe as long as you are in me. Father God, thank you for the power, the grace, the mercy, the blessings that you had richly blessed me evidently.

I am a nobody. Yet you used me for your glory. Oh God, all glory goes back to you. Thank you Jesus for your guidance in my life. Lord, let your will be done in my life.

In Jesus Christ name I pray,
Amen

What I learnt from Romans chapter 8

We are slaves to sin, due to our sinful nature. No matter how hard we try to be good, doing the good deeds by our own effort we are still sinful.

Because the Law is holy, it sets the standard for us to be holy and blameless before God. Yet, because of the Law, we are conscious of sin. Without Law, we won't know sin. We can never follow the law because of our sinful nature. For example, the Law said that we shall not lied. But who on earth have never lied? When we lied, we sin. And when we sin, we can not please God, and God will banish us from his presence, because no sin shall enter heaven, and we will be doomed for hell. True, due to our sinful nature, we are doomed for hell. The punishment of sin is death (spiritual death, hell)

But the good news is, God sent Jesus to die for us. Jesus took the punishment for us by dying on the cross. When we have Jesus, we are set free from the bondage of sin. Because sin demands punishment, Jesus acts as the ultimate sacrifice for our redemption. Since Jesus took the punishment of all sins of mankind, he washed our sin. In another words, when we have Jesus in us (believing in Jesus), even though when we sin, we will still be blameless and holy before God because Jesus washed away our sins and carried our punishment. In this way, we can stand holy and blameless before the Holy God. All glory goes to Jesus.

Yet, does it mean that once we received Jesus, we can be the most sinful person on the earth. Nope. When we have Jesus in us, we will bear the Fruit of righteousness. We will do what Jesus wills for us. We will hate evil desires. The holy spirit will guide us, improving ourselves day by day.

Yet, does it mean that when we received Jesus, we have to do good works to ensure our salvation? Nope. Good works (by our own effort) can never earn merits to heaven. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. It is only by him, not by our own deeds, that we can enter the presence of God. The good works is a symptom, a fruit, an evidence that Jesus Christ is living is us. 

No Jesus, no redemption of sin, no eternal life.

Got Jesus, got redemption of sin, got life.

Know the truth: We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (the standard of God). The greatest news is that Jesus had redeemed all of us through his death. All we need to do is to believe in Jesus to receive eternal life. What a wonderful news! He is the savior of mankind.

So, if it happens that you are reading this (although probably no one will be reading this), it will be nice to receive Jesus now if you haven't. There's no rituals needed, just belief. You are just a step away from receiving God's love and the freedom from sin's bondage. You can read this prayer:

Lord Jesus,

Sorry Lord for the wrongs that I've done

Come into my heart,

be my Lord and savior

I believe you have washed away my sins and gave me new life

I receive this new life now

Thank you Lord for changing me

From now on I will live for you

In Jesus' Christ name I pray,

Amen.

That's it! It is highly recommended that you find and settle in a local church to grow your faith and understandings. Remember, Christianity (as a religion) can't save mankind. It is only by having Jesus in our heart that we are saved and set free.

So, strictly speaking, this is not a Christian-related post. But this is all about Jesus' amazing love for us.

To find out more about Jesus, you can read the book of John as a start.

Emo again

It's almost 4 years now, I still haven't grow up. I still haven't learn the meaning, I am still stuck in early teen's mindset. I'm still in the state of curiosity. I have not grown in maturity. I still have a super-huge crush on the most special person I met so far. Yet, I barely even knew her. We are not even acquaintance. Yet, somehow, or miraculously, I have fallen for her. why? I don't really know. I think I am falling with the image of her, the expectation of her in my mind. I am not falling for the real her. Yet, I know her personality well. She is kind, straight-forward. I like her attitude very much. Nobody struck me like she did before.

But now, I think it's time to grow up I have to say goodbye to the infatuation feelings. I have to give up the "sweet fake imagination fantasy" for the real world.

It would be a miracle if we ever be friends.