inner thoughts

Go ahead, laugh, I don't really mind. I'm pretty sure I myself will laugh at what I wrote, maybe 10 years later. Yup, this is how I feel at this moment. Better to write it out than to bury it I guess

I am alone, most of the time. Somehow I am not a very social person. I have a lot of acquaintances, but don't really have close friends whom I can share my thoughts with. From what I observe, My dad and Mum are something like that, sisters too! I have experienced the consequences of choosing wrong cliques before.
I dare not to conform just to join a clique or whatsoever. I am just being myself, but does that mean I have to be alone all the time? But I am sure God will make me a good friend to those beside me.

I'm just being picky. Should I sacrifice some of my values just to get some "friends"? no I don't think so. I guess I gonna be alone for this semester. But hey! Being alone doesn't mean being lonely. Sometimes being with a group of "friends" make me lonelier as I have different values than them. I understand that God created each of us as a unique person. There's no other person like me on this planet. It's up to my maturity to tolerate and bear with each other without jeopardizing my values and belief. Somehow I sometimes feel like I'm a little boy trapped in an adult body>>> Puberty!! I'm in my late teens now, should be more independent, strong and determined, isn't it? Nobody is perfect, the problem is that I am always looking for someone perfect. I have to train myself to accept the imperfection/flaws of others, and ultimately appreciate it for that's what make up their special personality. I got super-lots of flaws, seriously, alot. Alot!

Somehow I always have this crush on this person. It's the 5th year now (how unbelievable). I'm sure I am crushing on the image of her in my brain. It's not the real person, that's why it's a crush. But this crush is pretty huge. Most crushes I had last no more than 6 months, then it's gone. But this person managed to grab on to it for more than 4 years. Well, the funny thing is that I did prayed for her, that her family will receive salvation. Haha! But I know this is just a crush, there is probably no fruits to bear on the road ahead. I am not even her friend! haha! Just a casual acquaintance. If I pressed on, there's probably nothing else but failure due to immaturity. But if I let go and move on, I see myself as a total failure. She knew I had a crush on her, yet she still forgives me, and even agreed to a hangout. Somehow I gotta let it go. I'm just falling for the perfect image I made on her. But thinking back, it's pretty unusual for a crush to last more than a year. This itself is a miracle I guess. Yup, it's time to move on. I guess I started on the wrong foot, due to my immaturity. So yup, immaturity has it dire consequences. But to achieve relative maturity, one has to go through pain, failure, sacrifices. All these things are still smaller than the consequences of staying immature. But once one achieve the relative maturity, he will begin to ponder, is all these sacrifice worth it? Time will tell, and I had experienced it, yes. It is a cruel life on this fallen world. That's why I always wanted to go, back to my heavenly father.

Somehow I can't let go of the image. I am literally obsessed with her. I told myself that God will arrange a soul mate for me, if his will for me is to get married and start a family. She is special to me because she is like a "witch" outside, but inside I know she is good. Due to her special personality, many guys fall for her as well. Most of the guys, well, they are much more successful than me when it comes to relationships. I'm not saying that relationships should be based on impressing one another or comparing. I am just exploding my inner voice out to avoid catastrophe. Am I too picky? If I am gonna look for a relationship, I know I should never compare anyone with her, because "comparison" is not good for a healthy relationship. She is smart, diligent, straight-forward, strong-will, kind-hearted, mature, not conforming to the society around her, basically every personality trait which I like is in her .. yet I am not so sure about the flaws, that's why this is a crush. haha! God knows what lies ahead if I go on to this road. He will prepare the best for me, if I trust in him.

By the way, I always feel happy to see her activities on social media. haha! That's an ultimate crush level! Her character is what venus-fly-trapped me. So far, I haven't seen or known anyone like her. Probably so because she is special (everyone is special in his own ways btw ) to me. haha!! But sadly, this is a crush, an imagination. A sweet imagination. The Most realistic, optimistic outcome is that we will someday become friends and well, stay there. I'll be happy enough to be there. It's a miracle that she still accepts me for who I am, for what I've done to her (my immaturity basically ruined everything). It's always better to go through countless pain and achieve relative maturity than to stay in relative immaturity and fall into pieces.