After months of staying with several Christian Fellowship friends, I came to realize something very important. I got a very critical flaw.
When I am not staying with the CF people, I get to meet them probably twice a week. We chat a lot and tried our best to catch up with one another.
But when I stay with them, seeing them every single day, I begin to sense a drift between the friendship. We began to see the flaws. And yet, because my nature of wanting to attract attention and being given attention at, I feel so bad when nobody ask me how am I doing.
Yet, if I present my true self, I will not give a damn about their life. I probably will not talk to my housemates because honestly I am quite antisocial. Thinking (too much) of it, I came to realize that I enjoy hit-and-run hangout with people I don't see everyday. And I find it weird if I enjoy hangout more with other people than my own housemates. I never got a roommate or housemates, and I know that my hospitality ability is virtually zero. I am good at individuality such as music, knowledge... etc. But I pretty much suck at inter-personnel skills such as living with housemates and talking to them. Only God can show his strength through my weakness.
I am being super immature here because I act like a kid who needs attention. I enjoy being given attention at. And yet deep down I know that this is not going to work out well. How can your happiness depend on other's reaction or response? And then I told myself to be myself, not giving a shit. But that could potentially leads to drift in friendships with the housemates. I don't really care about them. When I tried to more "social" and tried my best to have more conversation with them, I found that I have nothing to talk with them, literally zero. I will naturally resort to attracting their attention, so to improve our conversation, so I thought. I sense that I lost my belief and values in life. I thought I've changed. And yet, this weakness came creeping over my life over the years. Yes, I can feel jealous when my friend talk to another person instead of me. I thought I am over it, but yet again my nature proved me wrong.
So I thought, if I be myself, I won't give a shit about other people. If I don't be myself and be more open to conversations, I felt like not getting enough attention.
The CF people are very kind-hearted. And yet, because I lived with them for 2 months now, I can see their flaws. And yet I had to tried my best not to judge them, even if I did it already in my mind, for I am not perfect. I realized that being close to another person (other than core family members) is not my thing, well at least according to the CF people definition (did I think too much?). I got a wall, to hide some things that are not meant to be seen by others.
Well, it's time to grow up mentally and spiritually. It's like a choice between deep shit and deeper shit. To have more maturity, most probably some shitty experience is needed. When the level of maturity is attained, we still have to go through some deep shit, but we know how to handle it. and yet we wonder: does the cost of the shitty experience pays off? If we didn't go through the process of maturing, then we'll face some deeper shit. So, it's either deep shit or deeper shit, or no shit at all (in the virtual world).
It's just that my personality more or less different than other typical CF people (at least that's what I thought). I know I am not to think myself higher than other people but to bear one another with love, to emphasis on unity rather than the difference. I guess God is trying and will be teaching/disciplining me on inter-personnel skills so that I will be a better instrument to bring his glory and will be done on earth. God is molding me into something better, and yet the process may not be all pleasant. But I believe the end product is always good, because I am the clay, and God is the potter. He will make me to anything that he wants, to fulfill his purpose here on earth and all glory to God and God alone deserve all praises.
Sunday, 17 August 2014
Monday, 4 August 2014
The slow process 2.0
A rant, to describe how I feel about things right now
I gave the transcript on 7 July, passport on 8 July, should be receiving offer letter and CAS latest by end of July. The education advisor told me that receiving CAS within a week should be normal.
Yet, today, I still haven't got the CAS and offer letter. And last friday they told me "Your CAS will be issued today", they lied. It made me so hopeful, but it crushed me. Two weeks I did nothing because the documents should have come haven't come. I am playing the blame game now (which is never healthy I guess). Today they told me that they haven't received my ATAS cert. I received it on 19 May, please don't tell me they delay the process just because they haven't receive ATAS cert. They should have tell me to send over the cert. I was furious. Do I have to wait until last minute to rush everything? For more than 2 weeks, I am super unproductive, in which I should be productive if the university admission team is more efficient. It made me wonder if Surrey is really the right choice, too late to turn back now. I guess I have to wait until last minute then only can apply for CAS.
But where am I forcing myself to go? It'll probably break my heart again when the thing I pursued so hard is not what i expected and the trials will just crush me instead. Next life phrase is never easy, did I became too desperate?
However, I know God is in control. Yup i'd just wait though
I gave the transcript on 7 July, passport on 8 July, should be receiving offer letter and CAS latest by end of July. The education advisor told me that receiving CAS within a week should be normal.
Yet, today, I still haven't got the CAS and offer letter. And last friday they told me "Your CAS will be issued today", they lied. It made me so hopeful, but it crushed me. Two weeks I did nothing because the documents should have come haven't come. I am playing the blame game now (which is never healthy I guess). Today they told me that they haven't received my ATAS cert. I received it on 19 May, please don't tell me they delay the process just because they haven't receive ATAS cert. They should have tell me to send over the cert. I was furious. Do I have to wait until last minute to rush everything? For more than 2 weeks, I am super unproductive, in which I should be productive if the university admission team is more efficient. It made me wonder if Surrey is really the right choice, too late to turn back now. I guess I have to wait until last minute then only can apply for CAS.
But where am I forcing myself to go? It'll probably break my heart again when the thing I pursued so hard is not what i expected and the trials will just crush me instead. Next life phrase is never easy, did I became too desperate?
However, I know God is in control. Yup i'd just wait though
Tuesday, 29 July 2014
Beethoven's 5 Secrets - OneRepublic (Cello/Orchestral Cover) - ThePianoGuys
Today I am greatly inspired by this orchestra. It's very smoothing and much better than the modern music.
The slow process
I expected everything to be perfect, especially the timing.
But I did my best, it's not that I am not ok, but the university management is super slow
I've been waiting for the refund that suppose to come in mid July, but hmmmm
I expect unconditional offer letter and CAS letter to come last week, but lately the university is super slow. Common la, it's July 30 already, I really need the CAS letter. I so jealous when see other people so easy do everything. But comparing doesn't make things better.
Haiz,, do I have to wait until last minute to rush everything off? It's not that I'm slow, but the management team is. All I have to do is wait and let the miracle happen. It's tough to wait, but I have to train myself to wait. Taking up other people's shit,,, ahhhhhh
But I did my best, it's not that I am not ok, but the university management is super slow
I've been waiting for the refund that suppose to come in mid July, but hmmmm
I expect unconditional offer letter and CAS letter to come last week, but lately the university is super slow. Common la, it's July 30 already, I really need the CAS letter. I so jealous when see other people so easy do everything. But comparing doesn't make things better.
Thursday, 24 July 2014
Reality
Honest rant: immaturity ahead hahahah!!!
I feel so sad. I accidentally locked the door from the outside without the keys. In the end, thank God that Locksmith is available at 11.30pm, and got it unlock, cost me RM80. Anyhow, it made me realised that the society will do anything, especially cheating, to make money.
I lost faith and confidence in buying stuff now. Everything made me feel cheated by the dealer. It made me feel so dumb and the dealer probably very happy that I spent a considerable amount of money unto some cheap stuff. What to do?
There's an inner voice that tells me not to count too much, let it go. Thank God for everything. I am currently looking for the best deal for eye glasses. RM300> So hurt wehhh.
Anyway, this is the road to lead me to adulthood, the real world, the real shit haha!! Sharks are everywhere for money. But I wonder if I can be the change, the salt and light of the society as Jesus commanded us to be. Maybe if I could be the one who do not conform to the society (Rom 12:2), instead, bring out love and warmth to the others. In the midst of dishonesty, even though if I am treated with dishonestly, Let God's wisdom, peace, love be with me. Thank God, yup they say I'm super honest, but I'm not sure if that's usable in the society today.
I feel so sad. I accidentally locked the door from the outside without the keys. In the end, thank God that Locksmith is available at 11.30pm, and got it unlock, cost me RM80. Anyhow, it made me realised that the society will do anything, especially cheating, to make money.
I lost faith and confidence in buying stuff now. Everything made me feel cheated by the dealer. It made me feel so dumb and the dealer probably very happy that I spent a considerable amount of money unto some cheap stuff. What to do?
There's an inner voice that tells me not to count too much, let it go. Thank God for everything. I am currently looking for the best deal for eye glasses. RM300> So hurt wehhh.
Anyway, this is the road to lead me to adulthood, the real world, the real shit haha!! Sharks are everywhere for money. But I wonder if I can be the change, the salt and light of the society as Jesus commanded us to be. Maybe if I could be the one who do not conform to the society (Rom 12:2), instead, bring out love and warmth to the others. In the midst of dishonesty, even though if I am treated with dishonestly, Let God's wisdom, peace, love be with me. Thank God, yup they say I'm super honest, but I'm not sure if that's usable in the society today.
Tuesday, 24 June 2014
Dear Crush
I think I gonna laugh at this post hard once I get sober, or grow older! haha! Now I'm super oblivious and would just like to express what's banging on my head right now.
Maturity comes with a cost. At the end of the day, I'm wondering if the cost worth the price. It seemed like I lost something, being hurt or hurt someone else just to gain the level of composure and maturity? Is it worth it? Once it's done, it can't be undone. It's forever there, the scar, the hurt, the insult.
Yup I may had think too much, which I do most of the time, which can be good or bad. Why not just let it go and move forward? But my concept is that I gotta take heeds from it, learn from my costly mistakes. Why must I learn the hard way? Why can't I be more smart, alert and quick to learn? Yes this is part of growing up, which will last as long as I'm living on this earth. But if I gonna learn a lesson from my mistake, I gonna analyse it, without re-hurting the old scars. Some mistakes are just too costly, but that's life. Somehow I gotta force myself to learn from other's mistakes, if not, my own mistakes. I know I'm in God's hands, I know he will protect me as He is the awesome heavenly father. Yet, that doesn't mean I can be carefree and do whatever I want on this earth. I always pray that God's wisdom and peace will be with me all the days of my life. I made the mistakes, God turned the misery into a lesson, so that I can learn and grow through the trials. The trials can be self-made or externally factored.
I still can't get over a crush, somehow. It's been the 5th year now. My brain and sensible, logical, analytic thinking tells me that I should take heeds from it and not do the same mistakes again. Wait, having a crush is a mistake? No, it's the way I handle it, that's a mistake. Wait, listening to your heart for once is a mistake? Yes and No, this is the real, cruel world, sometimes I had to sacrifice my heart's desire to follow the logical thinking. Honestly, I guess I'm the worst boyfriend/date ever if I ever gone on a date, only God can make my weakness into strength, so that his glory will be shown. haha! If I really had a crush, I should have get over the beautiful imagery feelings and get on to it by making pragmatic moves such as asking her out in my own initiative. I told myself, I want to be the one who will make the first move, for the girl. But yet, my real life story not exactly like that. I tend to like girls to crush on me so that I can feed on my ego, so childish right? I know some married couples may face this problem occasionally.
Anyways, I think she is now dating someone who is more suitable and awesome (I don't if it's true but my sixth sense is always correct so far haha ) I feel so bad because I wish that the confessions never happened, and her life would have been without that part of awkwardness and hurt. But somehow I like to get her updates haha! This is a typical situation where the heart desires overrides the brain's thinking.
I tell myself that I will only date someone whose my heart and my brain agrees together. I might not find her in my lifetime but I don't want to be married for the sake of marriage.
Well, in my imagination, she's kind-hearted, down to earth, mature, disciplined, diligent. Not sure about her weakness yet. (That's why it's called a crush) I'm sure she will never be the person I ideally expected her to be, which could lead into major disappointment. I super admit that I'm still very childish and lack of confidence, that's why if I go on a relationship now, It'll probably do more harm than good.
I'm just 19, still got a long way to go. Yet, I'm 19 already, there's no excuse that I act like a child, as now I am responsible for my own actions. Not easy to be young adult yeah?
Just went for a camp as a facilitator and realized my weakness once again. You can say I'm super negative but I just gonna be frank. My reflection tells me that I suck at communication skills and public speaking skills, lack of confidence, childish, thinks too much, likes to compare, lack of self-assertive values, emotionally unstable, volatile and inconsiderate. My positive thinking tells me that I had to go thru some deep shit to sharpened all the mentioned weakness into strength. I believe only God can do that, he'll be with me thru the deep shits. (Even when I walk thru the valley of death, I shall not be afraid, your rod and your staff ...etc Psalms 23). I know, in order to be a man for my lady (future lady, if any haha), I had to be the person whom she can count on for the rest of the days. Which means, stability, maturity, and a listening heart are the most majort characters that I had to beef up. I know it can't be 100% but I had to make sure I tried my best to beef it up.
Maturity comes with a cost. At the end of the day, I'm wondering if the cost worth the price. It seemed like I lost something, being hurt or hurt someone else just to gain the level of composure and maturity? Is it worth it? Once it's done, it can't be undone. It's forever there, the scar, the hurt, the insult.
Yup I may had think too much, which I do most of the time, which can be good or bad. Why not just let it go and move forward? But my concept is that I gotta take heeds from it, learn from my costly mistakes. Why must I learn the hard way? Why can't I be more smart, alert and quick to learn? Yes this is part of growing up, which will last as long as I'm living on this earth. But if I gonna learn a lesson from my mistake, I gonna analyse it, without re-hurting the old scars. Some mistakes are just too costly, but that's life. Somehow I gotta force myself to learn from other's mistakes, if not, my own mistakes. I know I'm in God's hands, I know he will protect me as He is the awesome heavenly father. Yet, that doesn't mean I can be carefree and do whatever I want on this earth. I always pray that God's wisdom and peace will be with me all the days of my life. I made the mistakes, God turned the misery into a lesson, so that I can learn and grow through the trials. The trials can be self-made or externally factored.
I still can't get over a crush, somehow. It's been the 5th year now. My brain and sensible, logical, analytic thinking tells me that I should take heeds from it and not do the same mistakes again. Wait, having a crush is a mistake? No, it's the way I handle it, that's a mistake. Wait, listening to your heart for once is a mistake? Yes and No, this is the real, cruel world, sometimes I had to sacrifice my heart's desire to follow the logical thinking. Honestly, I guess I'm the worst boyfriend/date ever if I ever gone on a date, only God can make my weakness into strength, so that his glory will be shown. haha! If I really had a crush, I should have get over the beautiful imagery feelings and get on to it by making pragmatic moves such as asking her out in my own initiative. I told myself, I want to be the one who will make the first move, for the girl. But yet, my real life story not exactly like that. I tend to like girls to crush on me so that I can feed on my ego, so childish right? I know some married couples may face this problem occasionally.
Anyways, I think she is now dating someone who is more suitable and awesome (I don't if it's true but my sixth sense is always correct so far haha ) I feel so bad because I wish that the confessions never happened, and her life would have been without that part of awkwardness and hurt. But somehow I like to get her updates haha! This is a typical situation where the heart desires overrides the brain's thinking.
I tell myself that I will only date someone whose my heart and my brain agrees together. I might not find her in my lifetime but I don't want to be married for the sake of marriage.
Well, in my imagination, she's kind-hearted, down to earth, mature, disciplined, diligent. Not sure about her weakness yet. (That's why it's called a crush) I'm sure she will never be the person I ideally expected her to be, which could lead into major disappointment. I super admit that I'm still very childish and lack of confidence, that's why if I go on a relationship now, It'll probably do more harm than good.
I'm just 19, still got a long way to go. Yet, I'm 19 already, there's no excuse that I act like a child, as now I am responsible for my own actions. Not easy to be young adult yeah?
Just went for a camp as a facilitator and realized my weakness once again. You can say I'm super negative but I just gonna be frank. My reflection tells me that I suck at communication skills and public speaking skills, lack of confidence, childish, thinks too much, likes to compare, lack of self-assertive values, emotionally unstable, volatile and inconsiderate. My positive thinking tells me that I had to go thru some deep shit to sharpened all the mentioned weakness into strength. I believe only God can do that, he'll be with me thru the deep shits. (Even when I walk thru the valley of death, I shall not be afraid, your rod and your staff ...etc Psalms 23). I know, in order to be a man for my lady (future lady, if any haha), I had to be the person whom she can count on for the rest of the days. Which means, stability, maturity, and a listening heart are the most majort characters that I had to beef up. I know it can't be 100% but I had to make sure I tried my best to beef it up.
Sunday, 8 June 2014
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