Dear Crush

I think I gonna laugh at this post hard once I get sober, or grow older! haha! Now I'm super oblivious and would just like to express what's banging on my head right now.

Maturity comes with a cost. At the end of the day, I'm wondering if the cost worth the price. It seemed like I lost something, being hurt or hurt someone else just to gain the level of composure and maturity? Is it worth it? Once it's done, it can't be undone. It's forever there, the scar, the hurt, the insult.

Yup I may had think too much, which I do most of the time, which can be good or bad. Why not just let it go and move forward? But my concept is that I gotta take heeds from it, learn from my costly mistakes. Why must I learn the hard way? Why can't I be more smart, alert and quick to learn? Yes this is part of growing up, which will last as long as I'm living on this earth. But if I gonna learn a lesson from my mistake, I gonna analyse it, without re-hurting the old scars. Some mistakes are just too costly, but that's life. Somehow I gotta force myself to learn from other's mistakes, if not, my own mistakes. I know I'm in God's hands, I know he will protect me as He is the awesome heavenly father. Yet, that doesn't mean I can be carefree and do whatever I want on this earth. I always pray that God's wisdom and peace will be with me all the days of my life. I made the mistakes, God turned the misery into a lesson, so that I can learn and grow through the trials. The trials can be self-made or externally factored.

I still can't get over a crush, somehow. It's been the 5th year now. My brain and sensible, logical, analytic thinking tells me that I should take heeds from it and not do the same mistakes again. Wait, having a crush is a mistake?  No, it's the way I handle it, that's a mistake. Wait, listening to your heart for once is a mistake? Yes and No, this is the real, cruel world, sometimes I had to sacrifice my heart's desire to follow the logical thinking. Honestly, I guess I'm the worst boyfriend/date ever if I ever gone on a date, only God can make my weakness into strength, so that his glory will be shown. haha! If I really had a crush, I should have get over the beautiful imagery feelings and get on to it by making pragmatic moves such as asking her out in my own initiative. I told myself, I want to be the one who will make the first move, for the girl. But yet, my real life story not exactly like that. I tend to like girls to crush on me so that I can feed on my ego, so childish right? I know some married couples may face this problem occasionally.

Anyways, I think she is now dating someone who is more suitable and awesome (I don't if it's true but my sixth sense is always correct so far haha ) I feel so bad because I wish that the confessions never happened, and her life would have been without that part of awkwardness and hurt. But somehow I like to get her updates haha! This is a typical situation where the heart desires overrides the brain's thinking.

I tell myself that I will only date someone whose my heart and my brain agrees together. I might not find her in my lifetime but I don't want to be married for the sake of marriage.

Well, in my imagination, she's kind-hearted, down to earth, mature, disciplined, diligent. Not sure about her weakness yet. (That's why it's called a crush) I'm sure she will never be the person I ideally expected her to be, which could lead into major disappointment. I super admit that I'm still very childish and lack of confidence, that's why if I go on a relationship now, It'll probably do more harm than good.

I'm just 19, still got a long way to go. Yet, I'm 19 already, there's no excuse that I act like a child, as now I am responsible for my own actions. Not easy to be young adult yeah?

Just went for a camp as a facilitator and realized my weakness once again. You can say I'm super negative but I just gonna be frank. My reflection tells me that I suck at communication skills and public speaking skills, lack of confidence, childish, thinks too much, likes to compare, lack of self-assertive values, emotionally unstable, volatile and inconsiderate. My positive thinking tells me that  I had to go thru some deep shit to sharpened all the mentioned weakness into strength. I believe only God can do that, he'll be with me thru the deep shits. (Even when I walk thru the valley of death, I shall not be afraid, your rod and your staff ...etc  Psalms 23). I know, in order to be a man for my lady (future lady, if any haha), I had to be the person whom she can count on for the rest of the days. Which means, stability, maturity, and a listening heart are the most majort characters that I had to beef up. I know it can't be 100% but I had to make sure I tried my best to beef it up.