Using comedy to hide the tears, so smart of me.
I realized I'm such a donkey hole friend.
I suck at friendship, and hence everything that I stood for. I can see similarities in my life right now with my dad: friendships breakdown, being gossiped upon and no where else to turn to. Hence, I became depressed, self-conscience and basically feeling very very low.
I want to be perfect, because not being perfect means I'm a donkey hole. I would really like to see a situation whereby I could be myself yet without hurting other people. But I know this is not possible. Yet, this is not an excuse not to improve.
I know two people that are in my situation now: being gossiped upon and nobody likes him, and a myriad of personality repair suggestions. But then again, once the trust is broken, it is broken. No repairs can amend the situation.
It comes to one question of me, since I'll hurt everyone, why should I make friends anyway? I screwed up college life relationships by a stupid mistake, likewise for university friendships. I feel so depressed and stressed now. Unhappy. I wish to be happy again.
It'll be an undeserved grace for me to get a life partner and friends who care, because as far as I know, I suck at both.
Sometimes I wonder, are these due to the fact that I'm reliant? I don't want to be reliant, lesson learnt. Yet again, life throws in a lot of situations where I really need to be reliant. What did I do,, why did I do that??
It's good to know that God is teaching me a lesson here. And hence I would really like to see improvement and changes in my life, although it's beyond repair, at least I did my part.
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