failure haha

Using comedy to hide the tears, so smart of me.
I realized I'm such a donkey hole friend.
I suck at friendship, and hence everything that I stood for. I can see similarities in my life right now with my dad: friendships breakdown, being gossiped upon and no where else to turn to. Hence, I became depressed, self-conscience and basically feeling very very low.

I want to be perfect, because not being perfect means I'm a donkey hole. I would really like to see a situation whereby I could be myself yet without hurting other people. But I know this is not possible. Yet, this is not an excuse not to improve.

I know two people that are in my situation now: being gossiped upon and nobody likes him, and a myriad of personality repair suggestions. But then again, once the trust is broken, it is broken. No repairs can amend the situation.

It comes to one question of me, since I'll hurt everyone, why should I make friends anyway? I screwed up college life relationships by a stupid mistake, likewise for university friendships. I feel so depressed and stressed now. Unhappy. I wish to be happy again.

It'll be an undeserved grace for me to get a life partner and friends who care, because as far as I know, I suck at both.

Sometimes I wonder, are these due to the fact that I'm reliant? I don't want to be reliant, lesson learnt. Yet again, life throws in a lot of situations where I really need to be reliant. What did I do,, why did I do that??

It's good to know that God is teaching me a lesson here. And hence I would really like to see improvement and changes in my life, although it's beyond repair, at least I did my part.

I'm lonely lol

It would be stupid not to acknowledge it, yet it seems needy to acknowledge it.
Acknowledging it is hard, living in denial is harder. Hence, let's tell the truth, I'm lonely.

Ever since getting a placement with the company, I thought my life would be great. You know, friends in workplace, church and personal close friends. Lol but it didn't turn out the way I would like.

I got no friends in church (probably because I'm a shy jerk)
I got a lot of acquaintance in work place, but no friends (probably because again, I'm a shy jerk)
I got no people who could relate to, because I'm a jerk lol.
These three areas of life with nobody to tell my feelings to, it's a breeding ground for emptiness and depression.

Out of nowhere, my sister's friends, introduced me to a bible study group. They're the ones whom I can relate to. But I want to hide the fact that I'm lonely. I don't want to be seen weak and needy and desperate. So I really thank God for it.
In the office, seems like all my colleagues have a significant half. And these few months (ever since September) I feel like the stupid urge to get a significant half. I'm not sure how it'll go down but hopefully this matter will glorify God (means being a high achiever without being worthy lol).

I think the urge to get a significant half comes from the fact that I'm alone and lonely. I need to be constantly occupied with things to do, which I'm struggling a lot.
I need to find something to do, because most probably I'm a workaholic.

Screw it man, just need to find something to do, keep myself busy, using preoccupation with stuff to cover loneliness. That's the way I guess?

It felt good after writing this thing out. I want to be vulnerable, but my vulnerability will hurt others also.

Sad life

Just finished visiting my friends back in Guildford. I felt so good since for once in like a long time I can chat with people who can really understand my accent and I can feel completely comfortable. I guess I need to feel comfortable in every place. But the truth is, I don’t. The truth is, I am looking for introvert, same minded friends like me in Bristol, as similar to Guildford. However, the people I meet are all extroverts. I now realized that there’s no point being attach to them, like C in my first year; because in the end I’ll disappoint them as they’ll disappoint me. S and JC are both very extroverted Malaysian people I met in Bristol. I always wonder if I’m too diam diam but then I realized if the brain wave tak ngam, there’s no point trying hard. The most important thing is that my values are still retained. But what are my values? To be honest these few days my values damn compromised already. I don’t know who am I what I’m doing anymore. Is this placement worth it? I need to be thankful. If I go and try to make friends, in the end I feel very tired, not myself and very fake. If I become myself and just don’t care, people will diao me for having no life etc. Can’t I just be myself and become a good friend to those who has similar brain wave? According to social media and the university placement guidelines, placements should be the best time of my life. But right now placement is the worst time in my uni life in UK so far. It felt so good just to be able to write everything out now. I have to be prepared to the fact that I’ll be forgotten and replaced in Guildford anyway. What a sad life I have. If I push hard, I sad. If I don’t push hard, I also sad. Really like forward backward also will sad, damn sad weh.

Now I realized that there’s really no point forcing someone to be my friend. It has to come naturally. The best thing I can do is actually to just don’t have the intention to make friends at all. Just small talk like the ang moh do and don’t look forward for any meaningful connection with anyone. I feel really out of place in everywhere I go, especially in church. I know I should talk, but then again everyone is so cheerful and loud and I’m the odd one out. My conclusion is that it takes two introverts to become an extrovert. Extroverts that I know will better be acquaintance than close friends: JS, AY, RK, CT, SHK, JC.

I also learnt that it will be very selfish of me just like when I’m in Form 2, thinking friends are my properties. But it’s not. It’s the other way round. It’s not about companies, it’s about being true to oneself, even if one has to be alone. Given I’m damn fragile, being alone makes it so so weird. People always diao me being too quiet and should socialize more. But can I just don’t care at all?

Now I understand that being able to feel comfortable around close friends are a great blessing and should not be taken for granted.

Placements should be happy, loud, extroverted and fun. But can I be very honest with you? There are ups and downs, and I can say that I’m now at the very down down part. I’m the only one to blamed for the down part isn’t it? Don’t talk to anyone, don’t feel comfortable at all, don’t make efforts to make friends/connections etc. But if I take effort to be out of my comfort zone, I’m not myself even more, which may be counterproductive, because I’m not that kind of person. For that reason I see myself as the lowest of the lowest among everyone, because everyone can do better. I really suck at social skills.

Why you should go for a year-long industrial placement

I imagined myself as an extroverted, narcissistic, typical 20-year old (ish) lady; trying my best to make other people jealous of me. (LOL)

1. You'll get to travel
1. 
2. "This heart of mine was made to travel this world"
3. 
2. You'll make new friends
1. And if you're lucky you may find the ONE
2. 
3. Meet new people, see the world!
4. 
3. You are earning money
1. 
1. To spend it on all the things you ever wanted, it's shop till you drop!
2. 
4. You get real work
1. 
1. It's better than any fast food chain isn't it?
2. 
3. That's what life is all about
5. To love Uni is to leave Uni, for a while
1. In Uni party hard but you're poor
2. 
3. In working life, you can work hard and play hard
4. 
6. Weekend Parties
1. Meet the guys! They're financially stable, smart. and have graduated
2. 
3. 
7. You can do whatever you want in your free time
1. No coursework zone!
2. 
3. 
8. You are more mature
1. 
2. 
9. You have an advantage over grads without proper working experience
1. Which you can proudly brag about
2. 
10. You will enjoy the work experience
1. 
2. 

Things lonely people do

I am alone. I'll be lying if I said I don't feel lonely. Here are some things that I've done, epitome of ultimate loneliness

1. eating alone
2. going to the beach alone
3. watching movies in cinema, alone
4. going to the zoo, alone
5. going to church, alone
6. shopping, alone
7. travelling, alone

damn sad weh

Why did I like her?

Why did I had a huge crush on her?

1. She is cute and lovely
2. She is sarcastic
3. She is straight forward
4. She is very smart
5. She is very hard working
6. She is kind
7. She is organized (I think)
8. She is very down to earth
9. She goes out of her comfort zone
10. She is not narcissistic

Depressed

I am very depressed. Not sure if this is clinical depression or not. Yet, I am feeling down, all the time.
My Job is not really going as well as I thought, or I hope to be, or I pretend to be for the sake of my parents comfort of heart.
I feel very useless at job. For example, something that I felt can be done in 15 min took me like 6 hours. You know how hopeless and disappointing that sounds? I disappointed everyone, especially myself.
I know God is still in control. In Church, I felt that I kena pushed in a sense that when I asked for something, they tai chi here and there, pushing the job of acquainting me with relevant groups to one and another. You might argue that I am too sensitive. yes I am too sensitive, but that doesn't take away my right in speaking up how I felt.

To make things kinda worse, I have no friends to relate to anything. I feel the emptiness with watching anime or drawing.

I know I had to be thankful for the placement. I hoped for this placement above anything else from the start of 2015. I thank God for giving me this placement, and all glory to Him. Yet I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm counting down for the days that this placement will end. Is the prize worth the price?

I feel tired, exhausted mentally. The only friend I have is my laptop. To matters even lower, I hate small talking or talking to anyone in general. Sometimes I just want to fall flat to my bed and forget about the world for a while.

I felt very very bad all the time. Social media make it seems like the world is so perfect and everyone should be happy all the time. But the truth is that sometimes it's ok to be sad or feel lonely. Everybody felt that, just not everyone will admit it openly or make no attempts to cover it.

Loneliness

A month into the job now. I felt so lonely. I don't have friends a all. Partly due to my very shy and introvert nature. I went to church, standing there alone awkwardly after service. I don't like having small talks, and I don't bother to waste my energy to talk to other people.

I really hated small talks in a large social setting.
But what to do, it's part of courtesy in the culture of Britain. "How are u?" is just a courtesy, nobody really want to know how are u. Slowly but sure, I begin to say "how are u" without meaning it. I felt so superficial and fake, but I guess when I'm in UK, do like the British.

I just don't know la, alone. I don't mind being alone. What I mind is people staring at me as if they never seen people alone before. It's like a huge taboo if someone is standing there alone with nobody to talk to. Personally I think it's fine. But I guess the social pressure in the UK is different.

Got a job

So,, I have a job as an industrial placement student in an engineering consultancy company.
I have a 9-5 job, staring at computer screen the whole time trying to figure out what's going on in codings and science.

Come to think about it, I really thank God for providing everything. Everything that I have now, the position that I'm in now, its from God and I want to give him all glory and praise, for without him none of this would happen. Many will do it without difficulty but I faced a lot of challenges and I wanna give God the highest glory.

Things I worry about or thinking it'll be very hard had come out fine.

In Jan 2016, I'm still worry if I can get a placement; now I'm officially in the company already.
In April 2016, I'm worry if I can get a good house with good price and location; now I'm comfortably settled into the new house.
All these are miracles to me, it may seem very normal or petty but it's a great deal to me

So I just wanna praise God and I know that God placed me in this position for a reason, to glorify him as well as blessing others

envious

I am easily envious
Every time I see their vacation pictures, couple pictures, or their migration stories out of Malaysia, I immediately get jealous.

Being envious bcoz I want what they have.
However, I found that it is impossible to fulfill the need of getting what others have. Others may be envious of what I have which they don't.

Father God, thanks for providing everything I need and help me not be envious of others but be content of what I have. Amen

A trail of regret

Every path of life I take, I felt like I left a trail of poignant regret over the road.
I can't face the past, due to my fear of facing the mistake and rectifying it.
Every phase of life, I left regrets. Hence, I suck at maintaining old contacts, because once the phase of life is done, I have nothing to do with it anymore. Deep down I always admire those who can keep good contact with good friends. I can't. I can never.
And hence, I turned to avoidance as a response, which we all know is not the best solution.
I wanted to keep a perfect track record, which is impossible. I wanted to make a perfect façade, a perfect image. We all know this won't work. I can see this trait clearly on my dad. But that doesn't mean I will blame him because it's my own fault that I can't face past mistakes and regrets appropriately.

Each phase of life, I left with regrets. Hence, it pretty darn awkward to go back. Hence, I can only move forward, and to forget everything that I had in the past.

pending: leaving the charity shop for a year, leaving my friends for placement for a year
2015 summer: leaving the Japanese restaurant, never to return again to visit because I managed to offend the boss hahaha
2014 summer: I offended almost everyone. Hence, I have regrets and don't feel like meeting my UNMC friends anymore
2013: Left the host family in USA. Friends as well. Didn't really keep in contact due to awkwardness, and doesn't need to hahaha.
2012: Left high school, never to see my classmates for reunion ever again, and I don't feel like it although I do admire those who did. Left home town, and never got any friends that I can look forward to meet again. Including the church since I got really bad memories about it :(
2010: Left the boys school and never kept in contact with those. Due to my immaturity, I feel pretty darn bad about it.
2007: Left the primary school, kept no contacts ever since

Hence, I don't think I can keep in contact with my current friends once this phase of life is over. Sad, even if I want to, I don't know how. Eat? what to talk? Paiseh la

Anyways, there are always silver lining. In every bad regrets etc, there will be something sweet to be remember of. You see, human brains are engineered to remember the bad more often so to improve ourselves. But, it's a matter of choice whether we want to reminiscent the good part of every regret. And hence the picture below (my best paint job lol) represents what I'm thinkin right now

How I wish I'm white

Yes, I am betraying the yellow people haha.
Yes, I know I have to be proud of my own race, nationality and skin colour. But yet, sometimes I hope I am white.

I wish I am white,
So middle aged white lady will not look down on me

I wish I am white
So I can gain the confidence of other white people

I wish I am white
So I don't feel inferior talking to church members

I wish I am white
So I won't be labelled as Chinese pig

I wish I am white
So I don't seem like living in a parallel society when hanging out with my own ethnicity group

I wish I am white
So I don't need to make the double effort for integration

I wish I am white
So I can be myself, not forcing myself to be talking alot in order to "mix" well

I wish I am white
So any rude East-Asian looking tourist will not make me a bad stereotype

I wish I am white
So I can be rid of prejudice

But in the end I'm just a typical Malaysian Chinese, who is never truly welcomed in Malaysia or abroad :(

Got a conditional job offer

By the grace of God, a company decided to hire me in a rather sensitive industry. I also don't know why they would hire me.
I've been thru 4 interviews, 3 rejected, 1 accepted.
Thank God!
But now the next stages: it's a rather tedious process with security clearance. I just submitted the security clearance.
Lots of hoops to go thru. I sometime concern if i gave the correct documents and stuff. So yeah, I am worried. But God always told me not to worry in any circumstances.
Don't know why this few days very un-motivated. No mood to do tutorials, attend lectures, or even concentrate on doing something,
This few days I also have a very negative feeling about myself and everyone else around me, don't know why.
Perhaps I'm bipolar or something, but I know God is with me in this.

Now, for the next stages: (assuming everything will be smooth)
Pass thru the security clearance,
Pass thru the health and medical check
Pass thru the results barrier
Find a nice house
Be mentally prepared for the most exhausting (physically and mentally) year yet.

Quite a number of hoops yeah? That's why I will probably not announce to everyone that I got a placement bcoz it's still not really confirmed.

Thank God!! It's always good to praise the Lord