Hard Times

I'm experiencing hard times. Well, the inefficiency of the administration of University is getting on my nerve. Inefficiency is their fault, which made into my inconvenience. And then they say it's my fault that cause them inconvenience by asking then to do things that they should have done like years ago. I am sick of it, really

I can only trust God on this season of difficulties. He is the rock

sewer

A parable of the Y-generation of Malaysia

Once upon a time, there is a beautiful place underground. It was filled with beautiful people and happy faces. Although it was dirty like a sewer, the people are satisfied with what they had. Soon, more and more people of different origins came down to the underground place to make a living. Some made a fortune while others are still in poverty. Yet, all of them are happy. The different groups of people are content with what they had, and they made the underground a rich place.

Soon, some educated cleaners from the city above, came down to the underground place and start cleaning up the area. The cleaners worked for a company called "British Empire". The cleaners believe that they should interfere with the things happening underground so that the area will be clean, although their methods can be harsh. The cleaners ordained laws and regulations on the underground place, and made it a clean, beautiful heaven for all, although sacrifices has to be made. 

Soon, war broke out. The city and the underground were caught in the catastrophic battles which ruined the riches. Soon, the people of the underground resisted the cleaners and chase the cleaners away. Now, the underground is under the control of the original underground people, which filled the power vacuum when the cleaners left. Initially, the leader of the underground community did a good job in making the underground a heaven once again. People are getting rich and have a happy life. However, as time pass by, the leaders are indulging in dirty politics, cronyism, corruption and abuse of power. The voices of the people left unheeded by the leader. There is a profound society gap between the leaders and the people. Due to neglect, the beautiful underground soon became a sewer, filled with dirty fat rats. Those who are born prior to the war knew that they were in a sewer and they moved out to the city above and made a new start. Yet, those who are born after the war have no idea that they were in fact living in sewer.

Years passed by, and I was born. I am born in the era where rich facade concealed the core dirtiness of the sewer. I was content with the sewer and planned to spend my entire life there. I was wondering why more and more of my friends are moving up to the city to start all over again, to the extend that they left everything they had in the sewer. I thought the sewer is a better place than the city above. Opportunity struck when I got a chance to visit the city above, an area called "USA" for 5 months. I have an eye opener to witness the city life compared to the sewer.. After 5 months of happiness in the city, I was dropped back to the sewer. Now then I know the disgusting truth about the sewer. The sewer has the potential to be the greatest underground heaven for all. Yet, the leaders are incapable and incompatible. 

I would like to get out of the sewer. But, in the mean time, I would also like to be an agent of change in the sewer so that the sewer can be cleaned up to its former glory. It is widely believed that to clean a sewer, you have to get out of it. You can't clean a sewerage when you are in the midst of it. However, most people who managed to escape the sewer never came back again, and the sewer is getting worse as dirty rats became rampant. It will be my dream to get out of the sewer, and tell the people of the sewer about the truth (if they haven't heard about it). The sewer is filled with lies to cheat the gullible people. If only my fellow friends know that they are living in a sewer, if only I can get out of the sewer..... 

crush and infatuations

It might stupid and immature,, But I would like to voice out the things that are brewing in my heart.

I am truly sorry for having a huge crush on some pretty girls. Crush and infatuations often, if not always lead to failure, disappointment, illusion and unreachable expectations.

I used to have a huge crush on that particular girl for four years. It kinda suck when she knows it and it made us both so awkward. I have made her life troublesome, that's why I am so sorry. I learnt my lesson at the expense of other's well being.

There's a part of me that wanted to have crush on every pretty stranger girls I bumped into. I think the reason is that there's a thing called selfishness and pride in my heart. I want people to like me. I wanted to show off. I thought every girl should like me too. Then it made me feel very awkward, not behaving as my true self. That's why I hang out often with not-so-attractive girls because they made me feel so comfortable. I will experience palpitation whenever pretty girls are around. I'm such a pervert.

I know these symptoms are temporal. Someday I'll get over when I mature up. Maturity is a coveted prize that comes with a great price sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if the prize worth the price since the damage done is far too great. At times, bad memories will come and haunt me. I feel so bad. I know God is by my side and he constantly remind me that let bygone be bygone, start anew every single day. I don't wish to be that kind of person again. Sometimes I dream of going back to 4 or 5 years ago and slap myself hard. I'm just probably the slowest to learn things until the damage is done, then only I realize my mistake. But I'm glad that I learnt the lesson before adulthood.

There's one part of me that constantly remind me not to have any crush on any girls. But I actually think crush is normal for youth at my age. Not having one or forcing oneself to stop having crush on someone is like telling a plant not to sprout out. What matters is not what I face, it's actually how I face it and overcome it. I have to control myself so that I will not have a huge constant crush, which will only do more damage than good. Does maturity justify the act of stopping oneself from infatuations (which is human nature). I really can't do it, but God can. The bible says we can do all things thru Christ who strengthen me. The bible also stated that when we pray and believe, it will be done for us. The bible taught us to seek God first. Trust in the Lord with all our heart, and lean not to our own understand. Our mind and God's intelligent can never to compared as God is the creator. I am sure that God is with me, I can change myself for the better because God is able.

For the special girl whom I had crushed for 4 years, I am so sorry. It took me so long to realize that this is so stupid. By the way if a girl has a crush on me, I will probably feel awkward and somehow strained as well, because I can never achieve the perfect expectation and image that she had on me. I believe love brews like a wine, the longer, the better. Crush is like an explosion, intense at first then it comes to nothing except devastation.

I admit that I will probably missed out the fun of being in a relationship based on infatuations and crush. I will probably miss out the chance to learn from teenager's relationship experience for adulthood application. It's kinda sad but I guess that's how things went for me. But I know that as long as God is in control, I shall not worry.

College again

yes, it's just the begining of the semester and I am feeling down

I am not as hardworking as I was during high school

Well, I am struggling to keep up the excelence,, my time management can not cope it

It is only by the grace of God that I becae an excellent student in SPM

So i am trusting God for the foundation year..

Well,,,  I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me

What really bugs my mind is that my classmates are hardworking. I am not. I feel guilty whenever I didn't tried my very best for the exams.. I did not tried my best in everything like I did back in High school..

God, thank you for the strength. I know you have a great plan for me. I'm just lazy, too lazy. It doesnt mean that I have to emulate someone who is deemed excellent. I have my own way of doing things, own kind of success. If i am rigidly compared to my sisters, I will be damned. Yet, I can excel in other fields. Thank God for that. But when parental pressure comes into the equation, things will be difficult. It is hard sometimes to see the line between respectful and logical-rationality.

God bless me! Yes, God is good to me

move on

It's time to move on. I miss America, I miss my host family. I miss American friends. I don't know it I'm using my exchange program to USA as a show off to my home country friends... but yeah,, my experience as an exchange student is over. I'm no longer an exchange student. Now I'm settled down as a local university student.

It's almost a month since I left USA. Who will not miss that beautiful country? Yet I think the most important aspect of the exchange program is to learn and experience as much as I can. When i come back, deep down I know I've changed for better or worse. I think now it's how I move on with life that's matter. What's the point of being nostalgic? Yet I can't help but feeling nostalgic all the time. I am kinda depressed now.

The K-L YES program to USA for 2014 batch is out. One of my school mate's (junior) name is on the list. Honestly, I felt replaced. I know it sounded kinda ridiculous. I've been gaining lots of attention due to my experience in USA. Now that I'm back, nobody gives a shit about it. And then came this new guy who will embark on his journey to USA next year. I'm so selfish, I wanted all the praises for myself. But yet, this is life.. I wish the best for him! My secondary school rocks! Now I know how my senior felt when he saw my USA pictures on social media. But it's time to move on.

Suddenly i felt that keeping contact with host family and friends in USA is sooooo important1 I'm so immature! But my logic is that, the more I worry about it and give a whole lotta attention about it, the more it will go down and fail, probably due to my high expectation. So I had to force myself not to put too much attention in it. It's not easy. I don't if I'm keeping USA contact as show off or what.. but life is like that. Everything is transient. I had to force myself to be ready to accept the fact that they don't need me anymore. I have to force myself to be ready if we really did lost contact and never meet each other again. But it's a nice memory,, it will be nice if I can see them again. But it's ok if nothing happens. I need strength for constant self denial. I need God's help actually. No, I desperately hunger for God's presence.

May God's love be shown and demonstrated to all believer becoz God is good.

Reflection

Well, I'm in Uni now. Life presents lots of challenge.

I have internal struggle alot.

Sometimes I wonder if I think too much by asking "why" for every situation. But I believe I gained insights and wisdom by reflection, and that's very crucial for maturity.

Why am I uncomfortable in front of certain people? Bcoz I am shy. Why am I shy? Bcoz I don't want to present my flaws. Why no flaws? Bcoz I want them to have a perfect image of me. Why perfect? Bcoz I like to show off. Why show off? Bcoz I'm proud. Why proud? Bcoz I want to get praises. Why praises? Bcoz I'm prideful in nature.... see? only Jesus can change me. I don't blame my parents.. Well probably it's in the gene (My dad has more or less the same personality as me), but I can never blame the genetic factor for my flaws. I can either choose to sulk here or take the initiative to change myself for the better. Yes, It's never easy. It requires self denial, facade of strength and most of all resilience.

Why do I have crush on every attractive person (of opposite sex) I met? Bcoz I'm greedy, I want them to infatuate on me (yes that's my thinking, so terrible isnt it? ). Why infatuate? Bcoz I want to be famous and liked by everyone. Why liked? Bcoz my ego demands it. Why ego? Bcoz I'm proud......... and it all boils down to pride in myself.

I'd rather be alone and be hurt than hurting someone else due to my immaturity. It's better to be alone than to jeopardize one's value. It's never about how I looked or imaged by other people. It's about how I think of myself, what's inside that matters the most. God sees the inside rather than the outside. What God thinks of me is greater than what people do.

We are the children of God. By God's grace he has saved us from eternal death. Now we are called to his kingdom, all glory to him. God sees us as a masterpiece. So We shall see ourselves as a prized invention, prized possession of God.

Well,, I'd rather stand alone believing in the values than to conform to the society. It sounds stupid and rebellious. It'll never be easy. But that's how maturity work I guess. Until I find someone who shares the same value with me, I'll be alone. Some people are just meant to be acquaintances, some will eventually become life-long friends. Everyone is different, we can never compare our life experiences with one another. Making friends for the sake of making friends for companion doesn't work for me. I am individualistic, I admit.

Until I believe my maturity has grown to a sufficient level, I will try my best not to infatuate or be in a relationship. I know it sounds funny. But I've seen lots of instances that immaturity destroyed a relationship, hurting both parties. That doesn't imply that maturity will guarantee perfect relationship, but it'll find a better solution to solve the conflicts and differences. I'd rather hurt myself than to hurt someone else due to my immaturity. What's the point of marriage if the relationship is not healthy and strong?

Wrapping up: Reflection is always better than spoon-fed knowledge

Lessons from the movie 3 idiots

I just watched the movie 3 idiots and it taught me alot!


Pursue excellence, and success will follow.

When things is bad, just say all is well

Don't worry about tomorrow

The education system put too much emphasis on grades, not the pure joy and essence of learning.

We are forced to memorise facts, not in our own interest

Make your passion your profession


A great movie. Seldom see a movie which made me laugh and yet taught me a few things about life and humanity.