Reflection

Well, I'm in Uni now. Life presents lots of challenge.

I have internal struggle alot.

Sometimes I wonder if I think too much by asking "why" for every situation. But I believe I gained insights and wisdom by reflection, and that's very crucial for maturity.

Why am I uncomfortable in front of certain people? Bcoz I am shy. Why am I shy? Bcoz I don't want to present my flaws. Why no flaws? Bcoz I want them to have a perfect image of me. Why perfect? Bcoz I like to show off. Why show off? Bcoz I'm proud. Why proud? Bcoz I want to get praises. Why praises? Bcoz I'm prideful in nature.... see? only Jesus can change me. I don't blame my parents.. Well probably it's in the gene (My dad has more or less the same personality as me), but I can never blame the genetic factor for my flaws. I can either choose to sulk here or take the initiative to change myself for the better. Yes, It's never easy. It requires self denial, facade of strength and most of all resilience.

Why do I have crush on every attractive person (of opposite sex) I met? Bcoz I'm greedy, I want them to infatuate on me (yes that's my thinking, so terrible isnt it? ). Why infatuate? Bcoz I want to be famous and liked by everyone. Why liked? Bcoz my ego demands it. Why ego? Bcoz I'm proud......... and it all boils down to pride in myself.

I'd rather be alone and be hurt than hurting someone else due to my immaturity. It's better to be alone than to jeopardize one's value. It's never about how I looked or imaged by other people. It's about how I think of myself, what's inside that matters the most. God sees the inside rather than the outside. What God thinks of me is greater than what people do.

We are the children of God. By God's grace he has saved us from eternal death. Now we are called to his kingdom, all glory to him. God sees us as a masterpiece. So We shall see ourselves as a prized invention, prized possession of God.

Well,, I'd rather stand alone believing in the values than to conform to the society. It sounds stupid and rebellious. It'll never be easy. But that's how maturity work I guess. Until I find someone who shares the same value with me, I'll be alone. Some people are just meant to be acquaintances, some will eventually become life-long friends. Everyone is different, we can never compare our life experiences with one another. Making friends for the sake of making friends for companion doesn't work for me. I am individualistic, I admit.

Until I believe my maturity has grown to a sufficient level, I will try my best not to infatuate or be in a relationship. I know it sounds funny. But I've seen lots of instances that immaturity destroyed a relationship, hurting both parties. That doesn't imply that maturity will guarantee perfect relationship, but it'll find a better solution to solve the conflicts and differences. I'd rather hurt myself than to hurt someone else due to my immaturity. What's the point of marriage if the relationship is not healthy and strong?

Wrapping up: Reflection is always better than spoon-fed knowledge