crush and infatuations

It might stupid and immature,, But I would like to voice out the things that are brewing in my heart.

I am truly sorry for having a huge crush on some pretty girls. Crush and infatuations often, if not always lead to failure, disappointment, illusion and unreachable expectations.

I used to have a huge crush on that particular girl for four years. It kinda suck when she knows it and it made us both so awkward. I have made her life troublesome, that's why I am so sorry. I learnt my lesson at the expense of other's well being.

There's a part of me that wanted to have crush on every pretty stranger girls I bumped into. I think the reason is that there's a thing called selfishness and pride in my heart. I want people to like me. I wanted to show off. I thought every girl should like me too. Then it made me feel very awkward, not behaving as my true self. That's why I hang out often with not-so-attractive girls because they made me feel so comfortable. I will experience palpitation whenever pretty girls are around. I'm such a pervert.

I know these symptoms are temporal. Someday I'll get over when I mature up. Maturity is a coveted prize that comes with a great price sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if the prize worth the price since the damage done is far too great. At times, bad memories will come and haunt me. I feel so bad. I know God is by my side and he constantly remind me that let bygone be bygone, start anew every single day. I don't wish to be that kind of person again. Sometimes I dream of going back to 4 or 5 years ago and slap myself hard. I'm just probably the slowest to learn things until the damage is done, then only I realize my mistake. But I'm glad that I learnt the lesson before adulthood.

There's one part of me that constantly remind me not to have any crush on any girls. But I actually think crush is normal for youth at my age. Not having one or forcing oneself to stop having crush on someone is like telling a plant not to sprout out. What matters is not what I face, it's actually how I face it and overcome it. I have to control myself so that I will not have a huge constant crush, which will only do more damage than good. Does maturity justify the act of stopping oneself from infatuations (which is human nature). I really can't do it, but God can. The bible says we can do all things thru Christ who strengthen me. The bible also stated that when we pray and believe, it will be done for us. The bible taught us to seek God first. Trust in the Lord with all our heart, and lean not to our own understand. Our mind and God's intelligent can never to compared as God is the creator. I am sure that God is with me, I can change myself for the better because God is able.

For the special girl whom I had crushed for 4 years, I am so sorry. It took me so long to realize that this is so stupid. By the way if a girl has a crush on me, I will probably feel awkward and somehow strained as well, because I can never achieve the perfect expectation and image that she had on me. I believe love brews like a wine, the longer, the better. Crush is like an explosion, intense at first then it comes to nothing except devastation.

I admit that I will probably missed out the fun of being in a relationship based on infatuations and crush. I will probably miss out the chance to learn from teenager's relationship experience for adulthood application. It's kinda sad but I guess that's how things went for me. But I know that as long as God is in control, I shall not worry.