yes, it's just the begining of the semester and I am feeling down
I am not as hardworking as I was during high school
Well, I am struggling to keep up the excelence,, my time management can not cope it
It is only by the grace of God that I becae an excellent student in SPM
So i am trusting God for the foundation year..
Well,,, I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me
What really bugs my mind is that my classmates are hardworking. I am not. I feel guilty whenever I didn't tried my very best for the exams.. I did not tried my best in everything like I did back in High school..
God, thank you for the strength. I know you have a great plan for me. I'm just lazy, too lazy. It doesnt mean that I have to emulate someone who is deemed excellent. I have my own way of doing things, own kind of success. If i am rigidly compared to my sisters, I will be damned. Yet, I can excel in other fields. Thank God for that. But when parental pressure comes into the equation, things will be difficult. It is hard sometimes to see the line between respectful and logical-rationality.
God bless me! Yes, God is good to me
Tuesday, 27 August 2013
Thursday, 25 July 2013
move on
It's time to move on. I miss America, I miss my host family. I miss American friends. I don't know it I'm using my exchange program to USA as a show off to my home country friends... but yeah,, my experience as an exchange student is over. I'm no longer an exchange student. Now I'm settled down as a local university student.
It's almost a month since I left USA. Who will not miss that beautiful country? Yet I think the most important aspect of the exchange program is to learn and experience as much as I can. When i come back, deep down I know I've changed for better or worse. I think now it's how I move on with life that's matter. What's the point of being nostalgic? Yet I can't help but feeling nostalgic all the time. I am kinda depressed now.
The K-L YES program to USA for 2014 batch is out. One of my school mate's (junior) name is on the list. Honestly, I felt replaced. I know it sounded kinda ridiculous. I've been gaining lots of attention due to my experience in USA. Now that I'm back, nobody gives a shit about it. And then came this new guy who will embark on his journey to USA next year. I'm so selfish, I wanted all the praises for myself. But yet, this is life.. I wish the best for him! My secondary school rocks! Now I know how my senior felt when he saw my USA pictures on social media. But it's time to move on.
Suddenly i felt that keeping contact with host family and friends in USA is sooooo important1 I'm so immature! But my logic is that, the more I worry about it and give a whole lotta attention about it, the more it will go down and fail, probably due to my high expectation. So I had to force myself not to put too much attention in it. It's not easy. I don't if I'm keeping USA contact as show off or what.. but life is like that. Everything is transient. I had to force myself to be ready to accept the fact that they don't need me anymore. I have to force myself to be ready if we really did lost contact and never meet each other again. But it's a nice memory,, it will be nice if I can see them again. But it's ok if nothing happens. I need strength for constant self denial. I need God's help actually. No, I desperately hunger for God's presence.
May God's love be shown and demonstrated to all believer becoz God is good.
It's almost a month since I left USA. Who will not miss that beautiful country? Yet I think the most important aspect of the exchange program is to learn and experience as much as I can. When i come back, deep down I know I've changed for better or worse. I think now it's how I move on with life that's matter. What's the point of being nostalgic? Yet I can't help but feeling nostalgic all the time. I am kinda depressed now.
The K-L YES program to USA for 2014 batch is out. One of my school mate's (junior) name is on the list. Honestly, I felt replaced. I know it sounded kinda ridiculous. I've been gaining lots of attention due to my experience in USA. Now that I'm back, nobody gives a shit about it. And then came this new guy who will embark on his journey to USA next year. I'm so selfish, I wanted all the praises for myself. But yet, this is life.. I wish the best for him! My secondary school rocks! Now I know how my senior felt when he saw my USA pictures on social media. But it's time to move on.
Suddenly i felt that keeping contact with host family and friends in USA is sooooo important1 I'm so immature! But my logic is that, the more I worry about it and give a whole lotta attention about it, the more it will go down and fail, probably due to my high expectation. So I had to force myself not to put too much attention in it. It's not easy. I don't if I'm keeping USA contact as show off or what.. but life is like that. Everything is transient. I had to force myself to be ready to accept the fact that they don't need me anymore. I have to force myself to be ready if we really did lost contact and never meet each other again. But it's a nice memory,, it will be nice if I can see them again. But it's ok if nothing happens. I need strength for constant self denial. I need God's help actually. No, I desperately hunger for God's presence.
May God's love be shown and demonstrated to all believer becoz God is good.
Saturday, 20 July 2013
Reflection
Well, I'm in Uni now. Life presents lots of challenge.
I have internal struggle alot.
Sometimes I wonder if I think too much by asking "why" for every situation. But I believe I gained insights and wisdom by reflection, and that's very crucial for maturity.
Why am I uncomfortable in front of certain people? Bcoz I am shy. Why am I shy? Bcoz I don't want to present my flaws. Why no flaws? Bcoz I want them to have a perfect image of me. Why perfect? Bcoz I like to show off. Why show off? Bcoz I'm proud. Why proud? Bcoz I want to get praises. Why praises? Bcoz I'm prideful in nature.... see? only Jesus can change me. I don't blame my parents.. Well probably it's in the gene (My dad has more or less the same personality as me), but I can never blame the genetic factor for my flaws. I can either choose to sulk here or take the initiative to change myself for the better. Yes, It's never easy. It requires self denial, facade of strength and most of all resilience.
Why do I have crush on every attractive person (of opposite sex) I met? Bcoz I'm greedy, I want them to infatuate on me (yes that's my thinking, so terrible isnt it? ). Why infatuate? Bcoz I want to be famous and liked by everyone. Why liked? Bcoz my ego demands it. Why ego? Bcoz I'm proud......... and it all boils down to pride in myself.
I'd rather be alone and be hurt than hurting someone else due to my immaturity. It's better to be alone than to jeopardize one's value. It's never about how I looked or imaged by other people. It's about how I think of myself, what's inside that matters the most. God sees the inside rather than the outside. What God thinks of me is greater than what people do.
We are the children of God. By God's grace he has saved us from eternal death. Now we are called to his kingdom, all glory to him. God sees us as a masterpiece. So We shall see ourselves as a prized invention, prized possession of God.
Well,, I'd rather stand alone believing in the values than to conform to the society. It sounds stupid and rebellious. It'll never be easy. But that's how maturity work I guess. Until I find someone who shares the same value with me, I'll be alone. Some people are just meant to be acquaintances, some will eventually become life-long friends. Everyone is different, we can never compare our life experiences with one another. Making friends for the sake of making friends for companion doesn't work for me. I am individualistic, I admit.
Until I believe my maturity has grown to a sufficient level, I will try my best not to infatuate or be in a relationship. I know it sounds funny. But I've seen lots of instances that immaturity destroyed a relationship, hurting both parties. That doesn't imply that maturity will guarantee perfect relationship, but it'll find a better solution to solve the conflicts and differences. I'd rather hurt myself than to hurt someone else due to my immaturity. What's the point of marriage if the relationship is not healthy and strong?
Wrapping up: Reflection is always better than spoon-fed knowledge
I have internal struggle alot.
Sometimes I wonder if I think too much by asking "why" for every situation. But I believe I gained insights and wisdom by reflection, and that's very crucial for maturity.
Why am I uncomfortable in front of certain people? Bcoz I am shy. Why am I shy? Bcoz I don't want to present my flaws. Why no flaws? Bcoz I want them to have a perfect image of me. Why perfect? Bcoz I like to show off. Why show off? Bcoz I'm proud. Why proud? Bcoz I want to get praises. Why praises? Bcoz I'm prideful in nature.... see? only Jesus can change me. I don't blame my parents.. Well probably it's in the gene (My dad has more or less the same personality as me), but I can never blame the genetic factor for my flaws. I can either choose to sulk here or take the initiative to change myself for the better. Yes, It's never easy. It requires self denial, facade of strength and most of all resilience.
Why do I have crush on every attractive person (of opposite sex) I met? Bcoz I'm greedy, I want them to infatuate on me (yes that's my thinking, so terrible isnt it? ). Why infatuate? Bcoz I want to be famous and liked by everyone. Why liked? Bcoz my ego demands it. Why ego? Bcoz I'm proud......... and it all boils down to pride in myself.
I'd rather be alone and be hurt than hurting someone else due to my immaturity. It's better to be alone than to jeopardize one's value. It's never about how I looked or imaged by other people. It's about how I think of myself, what's inside that matters the most. God sees the inside rather than the outside. What God thinks of me is greater than what people do.
We are the children of God. By God's grace he has saved us from eternal death. Now we are called to his kingdom, all glory to him. God sees us as a masterpiece. So We shall see ourselves as a prized invention, prized possession of God.
Well,, I'd rather stand alone believing in the values than to conform to the society. It sounds stupid and rebellious. It'll never be easy. But that's how maturity work I guess. Until I find someone who shares the same value with me, I'll be alone. Some people are just meant to be acquaintances, some will eventually become life-long friends. Everyone is different, we can never compare our life experiences with one another. Making friends for the sake of making friends for companion doesn't work for me. I am individualistic, I admit.
Until I believe my maturity has grown to a sufficient level, I will try my best not to infatuate or be in a relationship. I know it sounds funny. But I've seen lots of instances that immaturity destroyed a relationship, hurting both parties. That doesn't imply that maturity will guarantee perfect relationship, but it'll find a better solution to solve the conflicts and differences. I'd rather hurt myself than to hurt someone else due to my immaturity. What's the point of marriage if the relationship is not healthy and strong?
Wrapping up: Reflection is always better than spoon-fed knowledge
Friday, 12 July 2013
Lessons from the movie 3 idiots
I just watched the movie 3 idiots and it taught me alot!
Pursue excellence, and success will follow.
When things is bad, just say all is well
Don't worry about tomorrow
The education system put too much emphasis on grades, not the pure joy and essence of learning.
We are forced to memorise facts, not in our own interest
Make your passion your profession
A great movie. Seldom see a movie which made me laugh and yet taught me a few things about life and humanity.
Pursue excellence, and success will follow.
When things is bad, just say all is well
Don't worry about tomorrow
The education system put too much emphasis on grades, not the pure joy and essence of learning.
We are forced to memorise facts, not in our own interest
Make your passion your profession
A great movie. Seldom see a movie which made me laugh and yet taught me a few things about life and humanity.
Thursday, 11 July 2013
College Life
Well, my college life starts
it's been a week I'm in college
Things are not getting right for me.
U can say I'm still very immature,, yes I admit. 5 months in USA didn't help me in getting self confidence and maturity
I don't have "friends" in college. I am a loner, very lonely and individualistic. My sister says that frens are very very important in college life. I know that. But I don't want to lose myself just to get frens for companion. I mean frenz are not for show off or just companion, Frens are the one who share the same values and belief. I yet to find the group of frens whom I'm suitable with, probably will never find it.
I know i shouldnt be so negative. God says our words are very important, so don't curse ourselves. But for me based on my experience everytime i expect something to be bad, it turns out right.
I thought I will be bullied and expects the worst in USA, yet I had some good frens and a good time in USA. I thought i will never get some frens among the malaysian exchange students. Yet, somehow I got very very attached to 5 girls and we became inseparable for 8 days. I actually expect myself to be a loner, and I don't mind being a loner.
Well, I have no companion or a clique in University. Probably due to my individualistic character. I know it's important to have frens in order to survive college life. Why do I feel like going for Foundation year in Uni is like going back to Form 1 in secondary school. Frankly, I enjoyed Form 5 much more than Form 1-4. Does it mean that I will not enjoy uni life until my final year?
I understand that I must hold on to my values even if I'm standing alone
Yup, I am a loner, and I expect to be alone for the rest of my uni year. So emo right? But I have to try my best to deny the fact that I am very in need of a companion.
My sister probably will criticize me for my thinking and behavior. But I feel like doing it. Don't know why I feel like a kid again in Foundation year. Most probably I am.
Maybe It's better to be alone than to be with the wrong group of people. Most importantly don't lose myself. It's very important to have the right balance between individualism and cliques. I've been in a clique before. I totally understand how it feels to be included or excluded in a clique.
God is with me, He is my shepherd. Even if I walk thru the valley of death I shall not be afraid. Lord Jesus, I dont know what I'm doing here in college but U know better than I. So I'll just trust in you, have your peace, will not worry about anything. Yes, although I am weak, you are my strength.
Well, that's for today. Probably more to come becoz this is the only platform I can express myself without any legal or physical consequences.
I miss my Malaysian exchange students! Hope they will not have the bad experience as I have right now. Well, depends on your interpretation, I am probably now in the best situation ever if seen in a different perspective.
I expect myself to be lonely and alone for the foundation year. I am ready. I don't mind. Fakes to be strong. Not going out of comfort zone. Yeah. This is either the stupidest mistake or the wisest choice I've ever made. I know I'm quite negative. But this is what I feel. Expect nothing and don't think too much. Don't expect too much. Don't compare college experience with others. But deep down I am very sure that God will pull me thru. Someday I'll be top of the world before I even knew or expected it.
God is good, He'll do something awesome in my life. I trully believe it. Not bcoz I want fame and fortune that I say this, but bcoz God's glory will be shown. I , a loser and loner, made strong by the Lord Jesus who is living in me.
I just hope Foundation year will nopt be bad. #expect nothing
it's been a week I'm in college
Things are not getting right for me.
U can say I'm still very immature,, yes I admit. 5 months in USA didn't help me in getting self confidence and maturity
I don't have "friends" in college. I am a loner, very lonely and individualistic. My sister says that frens are very very important in college life. I know that. But I don't want to lose myself just to get frens for companion. I mean frenz are not for show off or just companion, Frens are the one who share the same values and belief. I yet to find the group of frens whom I'm suitable with, probably will never find it.
I know i shouldnt be so negative. God says our words are very important, so don't curse ourselves. But for me based on my experience everytime i expect something to be bad, it turns out right.
I thought I will be bullied and expects the worst in USA, yet I had some good frens and a good time in USA. I thought i will never get some frens among the malaysian exchange students. Yet, somehow I got very very attached to 5 girls and we became inseparable for 8 days. I actually expect myself to be a loner, and I don't mind being a loner.
Well, I have no companion or a clique in University. Probably due to my individualistic character. I know it's important to have frens in order to survive college life. Why do I feel like going for Foundation year in Uni is like going back to Form 1 in secondary school. Frankly, I enjoyed Form 5 much more than Form 1-4. Does it mean that I will not enjoy uni life until my final year?
I understand that I must hold on to my values even if I'm standing alone
Yup, I am a loner, and I expect to be alone for the rest of my uni year. So emo right? But I have to try my best to deny the fact that I am very in need of a companion.
My sister probably will criticize me for my thinking and behavior. But I feel like doing it. Don't know why I feel like a kid again in Foundation year. Most probably I am.
Maybe It's better to be alone than to be with the wrong group of people. Most importantly don't lose myself. It's very important to have the right balance between individualism and cliques. I've been in a clique before. I totally understand how it feels to be included or excluded in a clique.
God is with me, He is my shepherd. Even if I walk thru the valley of death I shall not be afraid. Lord Jesus, I dont know what I'm doing here in college but U know better than I. So I'll just trust in you, have your peace, will not worry about anything. Yes, although I am weak, you are my strength.
Well, that's for today. Probably more to come becoz this is the only platform I can express myself without any legal or physical consequences.
I miss my Malaysian exchange students! Hope they will not have the bad experience as I have right now. Well, depends on your interpretation, I am probably now in the best situation ever if seen in a different perspective.
I expect myself to be lonely and alone for the foundation year. I am ready. I don't mind. Fakes to be strong. Not going out of comfort zone. Yeah. This is either the stupidest mistake or the wisest choice I've ever made. I know I'm quite negative. But this is what I feel. Expect nothing and don't think too much. Don't expect too much. Don't compare college experience with others. But deep down I am very sure that God will pull me thru. Someday I'll be top of the world before I even knew or expected it.
God is good, He'll do something awesome in my life. I trully believe it. Not bcoz I want fame and fortune that I say this, but bcoz God's glory will be shown. I , a loser and loner, made strong by the Lord Jesus who is living in me.
I just hope Foundation year will nopt be bad. #expect nothing
Monday, 21 January 2013
A miracle!
I will be travelling to USA 2molo. Yesterday AFS Malaysia say they need an additional flu jab letter. They need it today. Yes i did get an additional flu jab. But i dont know AFS need an additional letter.
I cant go back to the doctors because I am like thousand miles away from the doctor in KK. (I am in KL)
So, how can I get an immunization letter in 24 hours?
It was a really big miracle(s) by God!
Miracle #1: my uncle willing to help me
My uncle in KK went to the doctor to get the immunization letter. Miracle #2: The doctor is willing to write one!
Then he went to the KK airport to find someone to bring it to my dad in KL airport. Miracle #3: Some malay woman is kind enough to help!
My dad went all the way from hotel to the airport (about 1 hour journey) Miracle #4: Dad has the strength and compassion to help me in this little matter. The Malay women managed to find my dad.
Miracle#5: There is a 7-eleven shop near the hotel
Miracle#6: A kind cashier helped me to scan, print and photocopy
Miracle#7: There is internet connection in the hotel
In the end, I can send it to AFS Malaysia. Coincidence? No!! This is obviously miracle by God! What a testimony!
I begin to wonder what all these troublesome is for. Actually it is not so much about overcoming the problems, it is about trusting God and giving God all the glories. I believe he will heal my sore throat which is very irritation right now!
I cant go back to the doctors because I am like thousand miles away from the doctor in KK. (I am in KL)
So, how can I get an immunization letter in 24 hours?
It was a really big miracle(s) by God!
Miracle #1: my uncle willing to help me
My uncle in KK went to the doctor to get the immunization letter. Miracle #2: The doctor is willing to write one!
Then he went to the KK airport to find someone to bring it to my dad in KL airport. Miracle #3: Some malay woman is kind enough to help!
My dad went all the way from hotel to the airport (about 1 hour journey) Miracle #4: Dad has the strength and compassion to help me in this little matter. The Malay women managed to find my dad.
Miracle#5: There is a 7-eleven shop near the hotel
Miracle#6: A kind cashier helped me to scan, print and photocopy
Miracle#7: There is internet connection in the hotel
In the end, I can send it to AFS Malaysia. Coincidence? No!! This is obviously miracle by God! What a testimony!
I begin to wonder what all these troublesome is for. Actually it is not so much about overcoming the problems, it is about trusting God and giving God all the glories. I believe he will heal my sore throat which is very irritation right now!
Wednesday, 9 January 2013
A hated guy
Well, my blog is not meant to gain pageviews or make money out of it. So i will not care wat i write will attract more views or not..
Well, there is this guy in my (ex) secondary school. I wont mention his name here but... well he is hated almost by everyone for no particular reason at all.
No, he dont have physical deformation, it is wat inside of him. I used to be like him u know... haha. then later i come to my sense and maturity, i decided to try my best to put down tat part of me every single second.
Imagine I cant be myself in every circumstances bcoz of the "hated nature" of myself. Hard to describe the feelings by using words but it is like a constant inner struggle. One part of me, the maturity is trying to put down the another part of me, the senseless naive kid.
Back to the guy, well I know i can not hate tat guy bcoz he is God's beloved creation. God did asked us love the unlovable. So.... I m categorizing him as unlovable. Yes, i m judging him. Sometimes, i felt sorry 4 him. I mean, wat had he done tat made us so hate him? He did not really annoy me, but... the moment he talked to me i felt he is irritating.
erm.... deep down i know how he felt bcoz i felt tat b4. I just hope someday he can reach the point of maturity and wisdom,,, not to bother girls anymore using the old fashioned way! hahaha
(i did tat b4 too when i was 14!)
anyway, in context of my experience, my maturity comes with the cost of pain, shame, regret, struggle and perpetual separation from former friendships. Sometimes i wonder is all these worth the prize? is all these must be part of growing up? Can u gain maturity the simpler and easier way? I reckoned i gain it thru a hard way.
I just hope my experience and maturity will be sufficient to face the new challenges in USA.
Well, there is this guy in my (ex) secondary school. I wont mention his name here but... well he is hated almost by everyone for no particular reason at all.
No, he dont have physical deformation, it is wat inside of him. I used to be like him u know... haha. then later i come to my sense and maturity, i decided to try my best to put down tat part of me every single second.
Imagine I cant be myself in every circumstances bcoz of the "hated nature" of myself. Hard to describe the feelings by using words but it is like a constant inner struggle. One part of me, the maturity is trying to put down the another part of me, the senseless naive kid.
Back to the guy, well I know i can not hate tat guy bcoz he is God's beloved creation. God did asked us love the unlovable. So.... I m categorizing him as unlovable. Yes, i m judging him. Sometimes, i felt sorry 4 him. I mean, wat had he done tat made us so hate him? He did not really annoy me, but... the moment he talked to me i felt he is irritating.
erm.... deep down i know how he felt bcoz i felt tat b4. I just hope someday he can reach the point of maturity and wisdom,,, not to bother girls anymore using the old fashioned way! hahaha
(i did tat b4 too when i was 14!)
anyway, in context of my experience, my maturity comes with the cost of pain, shame, regret, struggle and perpetual separation from former friendships. Sometimes i wonder is all these worth the prize? is all these must be part of growing up? Can u gain maturity the simpler and easier way? I reckoned i gain it thru a hard way.
I just hope my experience and maturity will be sufficient to face the new challenges in USA.
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