Diary of thoughts

I have been working during the summer, as a fast food restaurant worker.
Should I be proud of it?
hahaha
My friends all have professional work during the summer, like lawyer, bank interns, etc
Me? In a restaurant! hahaha

but anyways, I learnt alot during the work.
However, it's an all korean working environment, and not so friendly as well. I get traumatized everytime I work there, because misunderstandings sure will happen, very very stressed up indeed. They don't care

Some more I don't speak korean, and some of their english really sucks (not that I'm good haha),
I don' understand why they acted that way until like just now I research abit about racism in South Korea. Apparently, it's very deeply rooted in the society. South Korean men are mostly (men first) ideologically minded, And Koreans in general hate Chinese and Japanese, due to history. They also look down on other nationalities due to the economic might of south Korea. Koreans in UK, especially the older generation, don't really want, or need to learn English. In an area in London known as New Malden, high concentration of Korean owned business made it unnecessary for Koreans to learn English if they live in that area.

Or maybe it's my face problem? I faced a lot of problems, stigmas and even verbal abuse from them. Not speaking Korean is a big disadvantage. Aiks.
Sometimes I feel like I will be raped everytime I go work. Raped by middle aged person with emotional abusive words and racism.

My biggest fear isn't actually the work, but it's the fact that I will face lots of familiar faces when I serve customers. I hate seeing familiar faces. The biggest challenge for me is to actually face the people I know and serve them food, I really hated it. I really really hated it. What to do? Why? Probably because I'm ashamed of this job. I shouldn't be.

Worst case scenario is that the snobbish poeple I know saw me being told off or scolded in the restaurant hahaha

I know God is with me

Drawings - Arrows, Comparison and Energy level

3 drawings of my inner being

Sad, Depressed, Lonely, Fearful

That's how I feel now

Worst Expectation

In my life, I usually picture the worst case scenario, get a plan to know how to deal with it, and resulting in a fearless encounter with the situation.

Last summer I didn't expect things turned sour after I stayed with a friend. I shouldn't think too much, should I?

The problem:
I don't think I'm mature enough to be a committee member in a Uni society
I don't think I'm physically and emotionally strong enough to work in a restaurant.
I don't think I'm mature enough to be in a worship team, or integrating with the ang moh.

Worst case:
Be a joker in the group and contribute nothing haha
I'm fired and sour relationship with everyone haha
Be a praise-getting chinese bloody guy.

But whatever it is. I don't mind, I'm ready for it. But that doesn't mean I want it.

tough life la

Whatever the problem is , God is with me. He will guide me. He is ever greater than the problem. All glory to him. I can;t do it but he can. I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me. Thank you God

I am scared of what people think

I am working now, at least what I thougt. I am working as a team member in one of the japanese takeaway.

At first, I was so depressed. Looking at the uniform, I'm thinking like : wow, I'm a just nobody working in a hopeless restaurant.

It's not easy. I'm scolded for being too slow. Then, for the things i didn't do, i get scolded as well. Haha that's the life of a trainee. I made a lot of mistakes, nobody teach me, and I get told off a lot of times. Their English is not that good, so sometimes I get misunderstood. But I really thank God that they are still patient with me.

Now i am worry (or concerned) about my volunteering at the hospice. I would really love to volunteer. However, if i work on Saturdays, I will not be able to.
They might just kick me off. Sad, I need the volunteering thing.

Another matter that bug me is that, most of the people I know are working during the summer. All of them (or most of them) are back to their own country.
I choose to stay back (it's a gamble). Thank God for the job (if i'm still not being fired)
My Malaysian friends are back with summer job, most of which are very professional internships. While I'm here as a waiter haha. So unprofessional. haha
What will they think about me?

Im gonna break down. I think too much. I scared to grow up. I still wanna sulk in my own comfort zone. Playing drums? Pride? Maturity? Composure?
I'm gonna freak out sooner or later.

To be honest, I can't face them. I can;t tell everyone that I worked for a restaurant. I'm ashamed. But I know I shouldn't be. I should be proud of it.

Yes I sucked, they are so great. They worked in good companies, good jobs, I worked like shit haha.
Yup, I have to accept the fact that I'm a loser
cry cry, nobody needs me huh huh.

Then I will have to up my confidence and look for a placement this coming september. I'm crushed, like a grinder. Ouch

What am I afraid of?
I am afraid of people saying that I'm useless. I still can't accept the fact that I'm working in a restaurant. I'm afraid of being told off by senior members of the staff in front of the people I know. That really sucks. I dunno what I am getting myself into.

But I know what i need to do, acceptance. Accepting to be ok even if church members or anyone else that I know popping up at the takeaway. Accepting that I'm working in a so called "low class" job as reckoned by the ang moh (haha).

But I am happy with the job. I personally enjoyed it. Just afraid of what people might say. My family supports me, so it's fine.

Thank You God. God help me to be humble. Amen.

I got a job, or haven't not ?

So, I worked 50+ hours for a restaurant.
Honestly I still consider myself not part of it.
They didn't send me email for job rotas, or my available time for work shifts.
And the manager hasn't even send in my details to the HQ although I keep reminding her. I don't think I will be paid though

Sad. So many walls

Thank you God for everything, I'll trust in you and i'll not be worry