Unforgiveness and Longing for Connection

This post might be funny because I am in the process of growing up. Someday the future me will be laughing hard at this post of mine.

Deep down I have massive unforgiveness to my parents. I know I am ungrateful. I shouldn't be unforgiving becoz this is not what God wants me to do. Forgiving means getting along and not holding a grudge. But that doesn't mean I will let them hurt me the same way again. No matter how imperfect my parents are, I have to forgive them for this is the will of God. They are human beings, never perfect.

The volatile, arrogant side of my dad has taken it's toll on me. I have to learn to forgive him. Sometimes I don't feel like seeing him because he is immature, full of pride/ego, and emotionally unstable. He can be a two faced person and blame others so that he can be seen as perfect. Yet, this is what family members are. We see the good and bad of each other and accept them as who they are. Someday if I have children, they might think the same way too. I just have to forgive. Only God can help me to forgive. It's all about Jesus. He forgave us even if we did really really shameful things. How much more should I forgive my parents who gave their everything in raising me up. This is just what family members do. But the flaws of my dad had a great impact which perpetuated my mind and soul. There's a scar, only God can remove it. Sometimes I wonder will I inherit his flaws when I'm in middle age? Is it possible that no matter how hard I try I will end up like him? These thoughts are hidden deep inside my mind, and I have to face it no matter how much I wanted to avoid it.

Now I understand (at least 1% of it) the feeling of missing someone. I miss my friends and host family back in USA. I also missed my secondary school friends. Somehow I don't miss my parents. I might still be in the season of rebellious against parents. I want to be obedient to them. But obedient doesn't mean missing them isn't it? Last Saturday (16 Nov 2013) I have a mini-hangout with two of my secondary school friends. It is totally a miracle that I can meet them up. The miracles:

1. Well, he is my close friend and he made the costly and long trip to go to the meet up place. (Which I thought would be impossible since he is off to Macau the next day).
2. She is my crush and I am greatly infatuated with her since secondary school years. We never actually talked to each other. But somehow she opened up and said "ok" to my meet up suggestion. It was totally unexpected because we never hangout for the very reason to be together and catching up with one another. It has been almost a year since I last saw her. In secondary school years, my infatuation had taken it's toll on me and I made it very awkward for her. But somehow this time I don't know why she agreed to meet me up. I considered myself to be lucky not to fall into the perpetual trap of infatuation-awkwardness-crush thingy. 3.Actually I invited 7 friends for the meet up, but due to inconvenience all of them turned down except for him and her. With only 3 person for the meet up I thought she might see it as an awkward hangout and turn it down too. But yet somehow she said yes.
4.She is in the middle of extreme stress of studying yet she agreed to come out for a dinner, which is actually a great sacrifice.
5. Somehow I happen to be near her place that period (and free) when she is around (probability is almost 0%)
6. His mother allowed him to go out although it's night and he is busy readying the baggage for Macau.
7. She ate at the restaurant many times b4 and probably bored of it already. Yet she still agree to go to that restaurant.
8. She wants to save money and be budget yet she choose to have a dinner outside.
9. There's another hangout 2 weeks later with more friends and she's free. She actually can skip this meet up bcoz logically, we can meet up 2 weeks later.
10. Somehow I didn't got sick that day. The night before I have a fever.

I enjoyed every moment of the dinner, don't know why. There's no awkwardness between 3 of us and we had a great time. I seemed to forgot the fact that I made her very very awkward when I sent her love letters back in secondary school days. I wish it never happened. It is like a fresh new beginning again. We talked alot and catch up with one another, sharing different interesting college-life stories. I am amazed by the fact that I am no longer the infatuated-guy, but a normal friend now. It was really a night to remember. I know I might not see both of them again in the near future. I really wanted to see her again after not meeting up for almost a year. Now that I've meet her, I don't have the pressure to have a hangout with her in the near future. In fact, when I'm back from USA in July, she is the one who made the initiative to catch up with me, to my surprise. I knew I have to meet her someday. Honestly I might not know her well enough but I think I like her attitude, her frank attitude. Probably I think too much, but I feel there is a certain chemistry coming out from me towards her.This is probably the strong feeling of infatuations, this was what I felt. With this hangout come to past, I have one less regret to face.

Yet, as a price of maturity, I learnt to give up the sweet but fake feeling of infatuation for something better. If a relationship is based on infatuation, it probably will not last long. I had the hard way of learning to put away my thoughts of infatuations. The hard way. No matter how sweet the hangout is to me, I had to deny the infatuation part and emphasis the friendship element in it. The very occurrence of the hangout is the prove that I've learnt to put away infatuations and focus on friendships. If relationships are to last, it might be as well started from friendships, true friendships.Now I have to see her as a friend, not as a long-shot-perfect-girl-of-my-dream. It's like a 5 year old kid giving up the habit of playing with toys because he understands that there are something more in the next level of entertainment. It might be hard at first, but I believe gradually it will be better for all. It's like sacrificing something small now for something better (by faith) later with long-term benefits. Yup, it's hard for me to viewed her as a normal friend and not as a crush, because deep down I know crush and infatuations lead to nowhere. They bring more harm than good. The sweet feelings they bring about are short-term and imaginary. This is a part of growing up. Can you imagine a 40 year old guy infatuated with every pretty woman he came across? That will be very ridiculous.

Anyway, I miss her a lot. I hope I can meet her up again. This might be stupid but this is what I feel. I have to go thru self denial for maturity? But I guess this is better for all. Sacrifice this part of me so that I will avoid (at least 1%) the future complications it brings.

Random cathartic feelings

All these things I wrote are a part of growing up, so I don't mind if it brings laughter of insulation or just plain immaturity funny.

I know I am imperfect. Yet I tried my best to give a perfect image and persona to others. I think pride and ego have taken their toll on me. My pride and ego led me astray, burdened me and bring me nothing but destruction. I believe only God can clean up the pride I have. I really can't clear it up because I guess it's embedded into my DNA.

Sometimes I want to get people's praises, acknowledgement to satisfy my own selfish needs. I failed to preserve my original values from the new semester resolutions. I think the resolutions are breaking down and tearing apart. There's no meaning of standing up to it because the values erode in the face of true personality and mentality. No matter how hard I try, the bad side of me will take over all my good intentions. It is hard to describe the feelings in words.

Trust me, pride brings nothing but destruction. I want to get praises, in the end I got nothing. I thought I am the best, but I am nothing. Sometimes I don't know where my values stands. I can be alone, but not lonely, but all these slogans are slowing breaking down. I feel like I am eating myself and constantly in self-denial in trying to make out a perfect persona. Yet, the fact of I have to be my true self doesn't justify the act of displaying my bad self, causing the suffering of others. I don't want other people to get hurt just because of the bad side of me. I am trying my best to improve myself. I believe only God can do it, because it is impossible with men. God is the God of impossibilities.

I have seen the bad side of my parents. I tried my best not to fall into their bad personality. No matter how hard I try, I still have some of the bad traits in me. Not that I am blaming them for my bad attitude, I am responsible with it since I am born with it. It's in my DNA by the way. No matter how hard I tried not to become like my father, especially, yet the nature pulls me back. I don't wish that a bad trait can spoil the whole bag of good honey. My father is awesome, yet because I am his family member, I know his flaws. And his flaws cost him alot. Pride, ego and arrogance are a huge setback for any people.

I'm just tired. Tired of trying to become a facade of perfection which I can never achieve. Yet, I don't want to show others my bad side so that they will not get hurt by me.

Being myself doesn't mean others will get hurt, they'll just come to know the true me. Not being myself doesn't mean all people will be happy though. I just wish nobody will get hurt because of my attitude. My dad gave me an insight. I know that pride, ego and arrogance have to get out of the picture in order to have a better family life. Yet, pride, ego and arrogance is in his DNA. If he is not proud, egoistic and arrogant, he is not himself, but everyone will be happy except him, he will be eating himself up and wear himself down trying to put up a mask of perfection. If he is proud, egoistic and arrogant, every family member will suffer but he will be full of himself. So he can choose between wearing down himself or his family members. The only way to get out of this is to allow God to change us inside out. Only God can do it. He can change us for the better.

I am a new creation, the old has past away, I am born again. With this I believe everyone can be perfect in their imperfections because God is great and he can do all things.

Yesterday night I prayed for a special friend of mine. I just hope that my special friend will turn to Christ one day. I don't want my special friend to be lost in hell. I just prayed. Somehow I got the prompting to pray for her. Yes, it's a "her". I just feel like there is something more for her than just being an unbeliever. Call it stupid infatuations or immaturity; I dont mind. I have some special feelings for her and I hope she will be saved one day. They say infatuations will not last long but this person somehow aroused my attention since 4 years ago. I have no idea what it is. I dont mind if it's just another painful and empty experience so that I can learn life lessons. The point is, I prayed for her. I dont know if its the Holy Spirit of just a random idea. But I prayed for her.

Sometimes when there is a prompting, I have to respond because I really have no idea if it's from the Holy Spirit. No matter how absurd it is, I will continue praying. I believe in the true power of prayer.

Study?

I am just ranting, why am I using most of my time studying things that are mostly useless in the real working world?
I just wish there is a system where the education teaches me how to be an entrepreneur or investor at young age, OR how to suit into the system of a big company.

I am just wondering. Of course, I spent 12 hours a day last year studying and it pays off with a full scholarship! Praise the Lord, he sustained me and made the impossible, possible, by his grace and mercy and his exceedingly abundant love.

Just a simple question from an innocent 18 year old: why am I studying these subjects which are not related to work? Is this obviously a waste of time and resources?  Why not teach us some soft skills and train us to be leaders instead? I am pretty sure at least 50% of what I studied in University is not applicable in my future job.

Just like in SPM, honestly I remember minimal things due to lack of application. But what I do pick up in the process is time management and discipline. But is all these soft skills justify the huge amount of time, energy, and money spent on formal education?

Hard Times

I'm experiencing hard times. Well, the inefficiency of the administration of University is getting on my nerve. Inefficiency is their fault, which made into my inconvenience. And then they say it's my fault that cause them inconvenience by asking then to do things that they should have done like years ago. I am sick of it, really

I can only trust God on this season of difficulties. He is the rock

sewer

A parable of the Y-generation of Malaysia

Once upon a time, there is a beautiful place underground. It was filled with beautiful people and happy faces. Although it was dirty like a sewer, the people are satisfied with what they had. Soon, more and more people of different origins came down to the underground place to make a living. Some made a fortune while others are still in poverty. Yet, all of them are happy. The different groups of people are content with what they had, and they made the underground a rich place.

Soon, some educated cleaners from the city above, came down to the underground place and start cleaning up the area. The cleaners worked for a company called "British Empire". The cleaners believe that they should interfere with the things happening underground so that the area will be clean, although their methods can be harsh. The cleaners ordained laws and regulations on the underground place, and made it a clean, beautiful heaven for all, although sacrifices has to be made. 

Soon, war broke out. The city and the underground were caught in the catastrophic battles which ruined the riches. Soon, the people of the underground resisted the cleaners and chase the cleaners away. Now, the underground is under the control of the original underground people, which filled the power vacuum when the cleaners left. Initially, the leader of the underground community did a good job in making the underground a heaven once again. People are getting rich and have a happy life. However, as time pass by, the leaders are indulging in dirty politics, cronyism, corruption and abuse of power. The voices of the people left unheeded by the leader. There is a profound society gap between the leaders and the people. Due to neglect, the beautiful underground soon became a sewer, filled with dirty fat rats. Those who are born prior to the war knew that they were in a sewer and they moved out to the city above and made a new start. Yet, those who are born after the war have no idea that they were in fact living in sewer.

Years passed by, and I was born. I am born in the era where rich facade concealed the core dirtiness of the sewer. I was content with the sewer and planned to spend my entire life there. I was wondering why more and more of my friends are moving up to the city to start all over again, to the extend that they left everything they had in the sewer. I thought the sewer is a better place than the city above. Opportunity struck when I got a chance to visit the city above, an area called "USA" for 5 months. I have an eye opener to witness the city life compared to the sewer.. After 5 months of happiness in the city, I was dropped back to the sewer. Now then I know the disgusting truth about the sewer. The sewer has the potential to be the greatest underground heaven for all. Yet, the leaders are incapable and incompatible. 

I would like to get out of the sewer. But, in the mean time, I would also like to be an agent of change in the sewer so that the sewer can be cleaned up to its former glory. It is widely believed that to clean a sewer, you have to get out of it. You can't clean a sewerage when you are in the midst of it. However, most people who managed to escape the sewer never came back again, and the sewer is getting worse as dirty rats became rampant. It will be my dream to get out of the sewer, and tell the people of the sewer about the truth (if they haven't heard about it). The sewer is filled with lies to cheat the gullible people. If only my fellow friends know that they are living in a sewer, if only I can get out of the sewer..... 

crush and infatuations

It might stupid and immature,, But I would like to voice out the things that are brewing in my heart.

I am truly sorry for having a huge crush on some pretty girls. Crush and infatuations often, if not always lead to failure, disappointment, illusion and unreachable expectations.

I used to have a huge crush on that particular girl for four years. It kinda suck when she knows it and it made us both so awkward. I have made her life troublesome, that's why I am so sorry. I learnt my lesson at the expense of other's well being.

There's a part of me that wanted to have crush on every pretty stranger girls I bumped into. I think the reason is that there's a thing called selfishness and pride in my heart. I want people to like me. I wanted to show off. I thought every girl should like me too. Then it made me feel very awkward, not behaving as my true self. That's why I hang out often with not-so-attractive girls because they made me feel so comfortable. I will experience palpitation whenever pretty girls are around. I'm such a pervert.

I know these symptoms are temporal. Someday I'll get over when I mature up. Maturity is a coveted prize that comes with a great price sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if the prize worth the price since the damage done is far too great. At times, bad memories will come and haunt me. I feel so bad. I know God is by my side and he constantly remind me that let bygone be bygone, start anew every single day. I don't wish to be that kind of person again. Sometimes I dream of going back to 4 or 5 years ago and slap myself hard. I'm just probably the slowest to learn things until the damage is done, then only I realize my mistake. But I'm glad that I learnt the lesson before adulthood.

There's one part of me that constantly remind me not to have any crush on any girls. But I actually think crush is normal for youth at my age. Not having one or forcing oneself to stop having crush on someone is like telling a plant not to sprout out. What matters is not what I face, it's actually how I face it and overcome it. I have to control myself so that I will not have a huge constant crush, which will only do more damage than good. Does maturity justify the act of stopping oneself from infatuations (which is human nature). I really can't do it, but God can. The bible says we can do all things thru Christ who strengthen me. The bible also stated that when we pray and believe, it will be done for us. The bible taught us to seek God first. Trust in the Lord with all our heart, and lean not to our own understand. Our mind and God's intelligent can never to compared as God is the creator. I am sure that God is with me, I can change myself for the better because God is able.

For the special girl whom I had crushed for 4 years, I am so sorry. It took me so long to realize that this is so stupid. By the way if a girl has a crush on me, I will probably feel awkward and somehow strained as well, because I can never achieve the perfect expectation and image that she had on me. I believe love brews like a wine, the longer, the better. Crush is like an explosion, intense at first then it comes to nothing except devastation.

I admit that I will probably missed out the fun of being in a relationship based on infatuations and crush. I will probably miss out the chance to learn from teenager's relationship experience for adulthood application. It's kinda sad but I guess that's how things went for me. But I know that as long as God is in control, I shall not worry.

College again

yes, it's just the begining of the semester and I am feeling down

I am not as hardworking as I was during high school

Well, I am struggling to keep up the excelence,, my time management can not cope it

It is only by the grace of God that I becae an excellent student in SPM

So i am trusting God for the foundation year..

Well,,,  I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me

What really bugs my mind is that my classmates are hardworking. I am not. I feel guilty whenever I didn't tried my very best for the exams.. I did not tried my best in everything like I did back in High school..

God, thank you for the strength. I know you have a great plan for me. I'm just lazy, too lazy. It doesnt mean that I have to emulate someone who is deemed excellent. I have my own way of doing things, own kind of success. If i am rigidly compared to my sisters, I will be damned. Yet, I can excel in other fields. Thank God for that. But when parental pressure comes into the equation, things will be difficult. It is hard sometimes to see the line between respectful and logical-rationality.

God bless me! Yes, God is good to me