Random cathartic feelings

All these things I wrote are a part of growing up, so I don't mind if it brings laughter of insulation or just plain immaturity funny.

I know I am imperfect. Yet I tried my best to give a perfect image and persona to others. I think pride and ego have taken their toll on me. My pride and ego led me astray, burdened me and bring me nothing but destruction. I believe only God can clean up the pride I have. I really can't clear it up because I guess it's embedded into my DNA.

Sometimes I want to get people's praises, acknowledgement to satisfy my own selfish needs. I failed to preserve my original values from the new semester resolutions. I think the resolutions are breaking down and tearing apart. There's no meaning of standing up to it because the values erode in the face of true personality and mentality. No matter how hard I try, the bad side of me will take over all my good intentions. It is hard to describe the feelings in words.

Trust me, pride brings nothing but destruction. I want to get praises, in the end I got nothing. I thought I am the best, but I am nothing. Sometimes I don't know where my values stands. I can be alone, but not lonely, but all these slogans are slowing breaking down. I feel like I am eating myself and constantly in self-denial in trying to make out a perfect persona. Yet, the fact of I have to be my true self doesn't justify the act of displaying my bad self, causing the suffering of others. I don't want other people to get hurt just because of the bad side of me. I am trying my best to improve myself. I believe only God can do it, because it is impossible with men. God is the God of impossibilities.

I have seen the bad side of my parents. I tried my best not to fall into their bad personality. No matter how hard I try, I still have some of the bad traits in me. Not that I am blaming them for my bad attitude, I am responsible with it since I am born with it. It's in my DNA by the way. No matter how hard I tried not to become like my father, especially, yet the nature pulls me back. I don't wish that a bad trait can spoil the whole bag of good honey. My father is awesome, yet because I am his family member, I know his flaws. And his flaws cost him alot. Pride, ego and arrogance are a huge setback for any people.

I'm just tired. Tired of trying to become a facade of perfection which I can never achieve. Yet, I don't want to show others my bad side so that they will not get hurt by me.

Being myself doesn't mean others will get hurt, they'll just come to know the true me. Not being myself doesn't mean all people will be happy though. I just wish nobody will get hurt because of my attitude. My dad gave me an insight. I know that pride, ego and arrogance have to get out of the picture in order to have a better family life. Yet, pride, ego and arrogance is in his DNA. If he is not proud, egoistic and arrogant, he is not himself, but everyone will be happy except him, he will be eating himself up and wear himself down trying to put up a mask of perfection. If he is proud, egoistic and arrogant, every family member will suffer but he will be full of himself. So he can choose between wearing down himself or his family members. The only way to get out of this is to allow God to change us inside out. Only God can do it. He can change us for the better.

I am a new creation, the old has past away, I am born again. With this I believe everyone can be perfect in their imperfections because God is great and he can do all things.

Yesterday night I prayed for a special friend of mine. I just hope that my special friend will turn to Christ one day. I don't want my special friend to be lost in hell. I just prayed. Somehow I got the prompting to pray for her. Yes, it's a "her". I just feel like there is something more for her than just being an unbeliever. Call it stupid infatuations or immaturity; I dont mind. I have some special feelings for her and I hope she will be saved one day. They say infatuations will not last long but this person somehow aroused my attention since 4 years ago. I have no idea what it is. I dont mind if it's just another painful and empty experience so that I can learn life lessons. The point is, I prayed for her. I dont know if its the Holy Spirit of just a random idea. But I prayed for her.

Sometimes when there is a prompting, I have to respond because I really have no idea if it's from the Holy Spirit. No matter how absurd it is, I will continue praying. I believe in the true power of prayer.