Useless

So, I have been applying summer intern everywhere I can. It hits me that I am pretty useless actually. Who am I? I know, God made me awesome but right now, it's time to really write down how I actually felt.

I am facing a real serious rejection for the first time. I feel so useless. No work experience or whatsoever. I am not used to being able to take charge of what I want to do. I am used to being told what to do, putting the analytic and speculative part to either my parents and/or God. But being able to take charge right now doesn't mean I don't do what God wants me to do. God will make a way, but I have to open the door myself. He will lead me, but I have to walk. It's time for me to grow in Christian faith.

My parents chose the primary and secondary school for me. People told them that it's a bad choice but in the end, God made us excel, against people's speculations. And later on, something told me to change to a better secondary school. That feeling, it just feels right. That feeling lead me ever since. When I feel that something is meant to happen, I will follow it, no matter how stupid. For the record until now, that feeling had led me here in the UK. I feel the peace in every choice I make. If I don't have the peace, I won't do it.  That feeling, led me to apply for exchange program to USA, even though parents object against it. In the end, it's alright. That feeling, led me to do many things which I don't have the courage to do, but in the end, peace came on I can do it. Usually, for big plans which I don't have control over (like my careers), I won't expect anything. But I will trust God and do my best in trying.

Sometimes, some things are just not right. I went to singing competition when I was 11. Andddd, well, it didn't went well. But people always say "have to come out of comfort zone, try new things, don't afraid of failures, blahh blahh blahh and be what u want to be... " Well, my way of thinking is that while it is perfectly essential to take care of our disadvantages, it is absolutely recommended to do our best to sharpen and make our talents into something better by constant practice with diligence. Let's say a person is good at arts but not music. He would be better off to train more in arts. But he can also try to bang the wall by heading out into music, but without the talent, he will not go anywhere. Some say "Oh, you have to be determine... blah blah blah". But when it is not yours, it wouldn't be, no matter how much you force into it.

So the million dollar question is; am I fit to work? Should I go for summer intern? I have no idea at all. I am not qualified, as an asian and international student, my chance of getting intern is pretttttty low. It's really the real shit, but I will choose not to give up. I have to force myself to accept failure, only after I have done everything I can. I never been this desperate before. There's a thinking in my mind that goes like this:" The more you want it, the more you won't get it. The more you don't want or don't care about it, things will just get into you, naturally". You see, I didn't desperately want the exchange program, and I got it. I didn't desperately want the scholarship, and God blessed me. I didn't desperately want to study in UK, but God blessed me. Why? Because I know I have nothing to fear, nothing to lose as I always have God and he will never forsake me.

But now, should I desperately want summer intern? Desperation is not a good thing though. Ok then, I shall fly back to Malaysia in the summer. I don't mind. But, I will try to get internships if I can. Expecting nothing, remaining calm, knowing that worst come to worse, I am still ok. God is with me always. So, I shall not worry. Don't think about the consequences.