I might change my mind, but this is actually how I felt about myself. The society dictates that it's wrong to hate yourself, but to love yourself. Guess it's a good thinking, but to deny the fact that we can't be honest with ourselves with self-reflection, that's just wrong. I reckon it's important to have a space to let this off the chest, if not this will explode. People around me said I'm rather negative, I admit, Yes I'm rather negative. But being positive all the time, ignoring the pain and regrets might only exist in a unicorn world.
I'll be calling myself cat cat.
Yo, Cat Cat.
You think you very awesome meh?
You're such a fake person.
You don't deserve a friend.
None
You keep screwing up every friend that you ever had, every community you ever been are being screwed by you.
You are the source of all your problem.
It's all your fault.
So what if you're smart?
So what if you are the best employee?
So what if you're the top student?
Your social skills are shit anyway.
You can't blame your parents
Because they loved you very much
You can only blame yourself, wrecking up every situation
Banging into walls, taking up unnecessary shits that you've created.
Good friends turned into strangers
They used to look up to you
Until they know the real you, without the façade, without the perfection image
They got disappointed at you
Your image is gone, deteriorated.
You can't be mad, because that's who you are
Being rejected, being gossiped upon
Who would accept you
You prideful shit
You don't deserve anything good (actually a bit la haha)
Correction, you don't deserve to have a good friend, because you're a shitty friend
Selfish
Small gas
Volatile
No stability
Who do you think you are
You can't work with anyone, you're alone
The best thing for you to do is actually stay alone
Don't let people know the real you
Keep a distance to everyone
Keep a façade, hold it as long as you can
Until one day you exploded
Nobody will care
If you complain, people say you're a whinny little bitch
If you keep it to yourself, people say you're too complicated
Nothing you can do to amend the situation that you had brought yourself into
I can't recognize you anymore Cat Cat
What happened to you man
You despise everyone, thinking you're above them
You see your dad, you see yourself
There's a scar that keep scorching up
You are afraid, insecure
You are afraid to repeat the mistakes that your father made
You are afraid to hurt others like your father did
You know someday you gonna do it, because when you see your dad, you saw yourself
No, your dad is a great guy, in fact, the best in intellectual and technical stuff
Just that his emotional side got a bit wrecked, that's all
But you, realizing your problem, but couldn't do anything to stop the course of your personality
How hopeless it is
You tried too hard to impress everyone
In the end, you yourself got super tired
Tired of everyone
Tired of meeting people
You have nobody to blame but yourself
Learn to forgive others and yourself
But I know you couldn't do it without God's help
You just want to go to your own ways in life
But truthfully your life now is a time bomb, waiting to explode
It's a two sided life
It's the best times of your life as well as the worst so far
You learnt your lesson, but it's always too late
They hate you now, They keep gossiping about you now, there's nothing you can do to explain yourself, nobody will bother to listen to your rants anyway, they think it's an excuse
They love to tell you what to do because they care for you, Picking up every fault in your life and overlooking any good stuff, that's society
What are you going to do about it? Nothing
Why are you so dumb,
taking up shits that you could have avoided
But then again, God's grace is enough, no matter how wretched I think (or actually) I am. Guess the only way to respond/react to this is to look forward, learn my lesson, and try to make the right choice. And also pray.
