failure haha

Using comedy to hide the tears, so smart of me.
I realized I'm such a donkey hole friend.
I suck at friendship, and hence everything that I stood for. I can see similarities in my life right now with my dad: friendships breakdown, being gossiped upon and no where else to turn to. Hence, I became depressed, self-conscience and basically feeling very very low.

I want to be perfect, because not being perfect means I'm a donkey hole. I would really like to see a situation whereby I could be myself yet without hurting other people. But I know this is not possible. Yet, this is not an excuse not to improve.

I know two people that are in my situation now: being gossiped upon and nobody likes him, and a myriad of personality repair suggestions. But then again, once the trust is broken, it is broken. No repairs can amend the situation.

It comes to one question of me, since I'll hurt everyone, why should I make friends anyway? I screwed up college life relationships by a stupid mistake, likewise for university friendships. I feel so depressed and stressed now. Unhappy. I wish to be happy again.

It'll be an undeserved grace for me to get a life partner and friends who care, because as far as I know, I suck at both.

Sometimes I wonder, are these due to the fact that I'm reliant? I don't want to be reliant, lesson learnt. Yet again, life throws in a lot of situations where I really need to be reliant. What did I do,, why did I do that??

It's good to know that God is teaching me a lesson here. And hence I would really like to see improvement and changes in my life, although it's beyond repair, at least I did my part.

I'm lonely lol

It would be stupid not to acknowledge it, yet it seems needy to acknowledge it.
Acknowledging it is hard, living in denial is harder. Hence, let's tell the truth, I'm lonely.

Ever since getting a placement with the company, I thought my life would be great. You know, friends in workplace, church and personal close friends. Lol but it didn't turn out the way I would like.

I got no friends in church (probably because I'm a shy jerk)
I got a lot of acquaintance in work place, but no friends (probably because again, I'm a shy jerk)
I got no people who could relate to, because I'm a jerk lol.
These three areas of life with nobody to tell my feelings to, it's a breeding ground for emptiness and depression.

Out of nowhere, my sister's friends, introduced me to a bible study group. They're the ones whom I can relate to. But I want to hide the fact that I'm lonely. I don't want to be seen weak and needy and desperate. So I really thank God for it.
In the office, seems like all my colleagues have a significant half. And these few months (ever since September) I feel like the stupid urge to get a significant half. I'm not sure how it'll go down but hopefully this matter will glorify God (means being a high achiever without being worthy lol).

I think the urge to get a significant half comes from the fact that I'm alone and lonely. I need to be constantly occupied with things to do, which I'm struggling a lot.
I need to find something to do, because most probably I'm a workaholic.

Screw it man, just need to find something to do, keep myself busy, using preoccupation with stuff to cover loneliness. That's the way I guess?

It felt good after writing this thing out. I want to be vulnerable, but my vulnerability will hurt others also.