I get jealous really easily. I easily get irritated by people who tends to show off.
However, nobody is perfect. So i must learn how to tolerate everyone , looking for their nice side for mutual benefits. Thinking of ways to avoid on their "asshole" side of them
I don't know why but I think I am very immature, can feel intimidated quickly. I love being compared and win, hate it when people compare me when I lose out. Such a mindset sure will destroy me de, because there are a lot of people (tonnes of them) far better than me.
The only thing I can do is focus on myself, and God, don't compare, just do my best. Compare only to see where I can improve myself. It doesn't matter if I'm inferior, as long as I did my best.
So, dear ladies, all the best in your life making each other jealous haha
Saturday 31 January 2015
Tuesday 27 January 2015
Friendship and Rejection
Wrote this to express what I feel, will be a nice reference for the future me to understand what the present me thinking right now haha.
I just had a video call with a particular good friend to me from High school from Malayisa. Nice chat and we didn't change at all. So, full of confidence, I asked him to allow me to chat with more people. Eventually I had to accept the truth that not everyone miss me, it's not like I want them to but it's a cold shoulder generally. Only certain very very close friends that I did realyy felt connected to, others are not so. Some even choose to ignore it. Well I don't bkame anyone. I was the one, my attitude and my past wrongs had led me to this. Time and time again I felt guilty.
Then I always reflect upon it (call me the guy who thinks too much).. Life is always about memory isn't it. Bad memories are to be learnt, not to be dwell in it. Good memories are to be cherished. Can I just choose to remember the good? Choose to see the good side out of every bad? Yes, it's a choice, it's always a choice.
Men will never escape from making mistakes. With mistakes, comes cost and consequences, We can choose to learn from it, or we can dwell in the guilt until it becomes a bondage. Nobody really care about our past, it just define who we were and how we had made progress in improving ourselves.
I always have this tendency to feel sad when people not giving me attention. I love attention, I want to be praised, I want to be around many friends, I don't want to feel lonely. I want to feel belonged. Yet, after these years of experience and reflections, I came to conclude that given my personality which has a huge space for improvement, it's really no matter if I don't have any friends at all. It is all about keeping myself together and mature up. It is always on how we face things, not what we faced.
Somehow i think my personality reflects my dad's. Something I didn't really like but I have to respect my dad for what God had done through him. I really have to get rid of the immature and longing for attention side of me, it's really bad. And yet I know nobody is perfect, but I just had to try because the consequences of not trying is far greater than the cost of trying. Maybe I just like to present a perfect self. Rather be hated for who I am than to be loved for who I'm not. Yes, it might seem to be impolite, but I really have to grow up in this unforgiving world.
Not everyone will give you the attention you need haha. That's the hard way I learnt.
Anyway, God is always with me, whom shall I fear..
I just had a video call with a particular good friend to me from High school from Malayisa. Nice chat and we didn't change at all. So, full of confidence, I asked him to allow me to chat with more people. Eventually I had to accept the truth that not everyone miss me, it's not like I want them to but it's a cold shoulder generally. Only certain very very close friends that I did realyy felt connected to, others are not so. Some even choose to ignore it. Well I don't bkame anyone. I was the one, my attitude and my past wrongs had led me to this. Time and time again I felt guilty.
Then I always reflect upon it (call me the guy who thinks too much).. Life is always about memory isn't it. Bad memories are to be learnt, not to be dwell in it. Good memories are to be cherished. Can I just choose to remember the good? Choose to see the good side out of every bad? Yes, it's a choice, it's always a choice.
Men will never escape from making mistakes. With mistakes, comes cost and consequences, We can choose to learn from it, or we can dwell in the guilt until it becomes a bondage. Nobody really care about our past, it just define who we were and how we had made progress in improving ourselves.
I always have this tendency to feel sad when people not giving me attention. I love attention, I want to be praised, I want to be around many friends, I don't want to feel lonely. I want to feel belonged. Yet, after these years of experience and reflections, I came to conclude that given my personality which has a huge space for improvement, it's really no matter if I don't have any friends at all. It is all about keeping myself together and mature up. It is always on how we face things, not what we faced.
Somehow i think my personality reflects my dad's. Something I didn't really like but I have to respect my dad for what God had done through him. I really have to get rid of the immature and longing for attention side of me, it's really bad. And yet I know nobody is perfect, but I just had to try because the consequences of not trying is far greater than the cost of trying. Maybe I just like to present a perfect self. Rather be hated for who I am than to be loved for who I'm not. Yes, it might seem to be impolite, but I really have to grow up in this unforgiving world.
Not everyone will give you the attention you need haha. That's the hard way I learnt.
Anyway, God is always with me, whom shall I fear..
Friday 23 January 2015
Identity Crisis
I am a Malaysian Chinese. I am the fourth generation of chinese in Malaysia. My great-grandparents are from China. According to my grandpa reocrds, I'm the 23th generation of the family, tracing our family origins back to the 10th century in the Song Dynasty of China. My great-grandfather is from Guangdong province of China, My great-grandfather of my mother's side is from Fujian province of China, My grandmother of my father's side came to North Borneo (modern day Sabah, Malaysia) during the WW2 to escape the japanese occupation in China. I am born and raised in Sabah since then. Hence, I am a pure chinese, pure Malaysian,
What makes a Malaysian Chinese distinct from other Asian faces? I understand that we all look the same. And yes, not many people realized the variation between the chinese speaking community. Grouping all chinese into the same category is like grouping all Europeans into the same category, including French, English, German, Russian..etc. That would make a huge debate isn't it? As for example Germans will never wanted to be identified as ethnicity as the French people. Thus, it will not be a nice thing to do to assume that all chinese acts and behave the same way, although most people do that.
Malaysian Chinese:
1. Speaks Malay, English, and some Chinese dialaects including Hakka, Cantonese, Hokkien, FuChou, Teochew, Hainan..etc. Some Malaysian Chinese don't know the chinese language at all, we call them "Banana" (Yellow Asian coloured skin, but white caucasian inside)
2. Have better English proficiency (We were once British colony). But our English is fondly called "Manglish" (Malaysian English) or "Singlish"(Singaporean English) as it is a English Creole with a mixture of Malay, Indian Chinese words in it.
3. Loves Malay, Indian, and Chinese food of all kinds.
4. Great exposure to multicultural environment as Malaysian population comprises of Malays, Chinese, Indians, and various local tribes. And hence, we are exposed to various religion mainly Islam, Christian, Buddhist, Hinduism,..etc and also Atheism!
5. Love our country Malaysia, love our multi-ethnic friends, but most likely to speak out against the government critically in certain government policies.
My thoughts
I am now studying in the UK. Most people thought that I'm from Hong Kong or Mainland China. But hey, chinese are everywhere! I'm from Malaysia. When I say I'm a Malaysian, they'll think that I'm a Muslim Malay. No, I'm Malaysian Chinese, to be more specific, a Malaysian with chinese ethnicity. No, I can't really relate to the Hong Kongers, I don't identify with the Mainland Chinese. Our cultures and upbringing are totally different. Malaysian Chinese are genuinely different, and sometimes I felt insulted when they think I'm from Mainland China, given the bad reputation of Mainland Chinese tourist generated,
No, I don't have problem at all to understand English. Just because Mainland Chinese struggled with English doesn't mean that we Malaysian Chinese will do the same. Our English is way better than what you expect. (Call me proud but this is generally true). There is one occasion where the church speaker said that he will speak slower to accommodate my poor English skills. Hey, that's an insult! I understand you just fine.,,but I don't blame them because most Mainland Chinese and Hong Kongers have bad English skills.
To a certain point, I lose my confidence, thinking that all white British people will just group me together with other Mainland Chinese. That's a pretty bad reputation actually given that Mainland Chinese are notorious for their bad tourist behavior, tarnishing the image of Asian faces. But it's not fair to the Mainland Chinese as they are actually kind people, just a bit loud, dirty and inconsiderate. But that's fine, it's not their fault for their upbringing. We Malaysian Chinese are no better either.
What will you feel when I say you British are the same as the French? I don't think you will be happy isn't it? But that's fine, we can't identify French from Britons unless we listen to your conversations haha. So, I am trying my best to accept the fact that, unless Britons interact with me, they'll just think that I'm from Mainland China.
Malaysia Dilemma
Dear Malaysia, please don't reject me just because I am of chinese ethnicity. I am born and raised in a typical middle-class Malaysian society, I pay taxes to the Malaysian government. I consider Malaysia as my home, my only home. I love all Malaysians regardless of their belief and skin colour. But some of the policies are not so favorable to us, and force us to look for better opportunity elsewhere, contributing to the brain drain. I would really love to contribute to the Malaysian economy, but now I am indirectly forced to search for "greener grass" outside of Malaysia, which made me very very sad. I have no idea of my future, really no. But my heart will always be Malaysian, Malaysia boleh.
What makes a Malaysian Chinese distinct from other Asian faces? I understand that we all look the same. And yes, not many people realized the variation between the chinese speaking community. Grouping all chinese into the same category is like grouping all Europeans into the same category, including French, English, German, Russian..etc. That would make a huge debate isn't it? As for example Germans will never wanted to be identified as ethnicity as the French people. Thus, it will not be a nice thing to do to assume that all chinese acts and behave the same way, although most people do that.
Malaysian Chinese:
1. Speaks Malay, English, and some Chinese dialaects including Hakka, Cantonese, Hokkien, FuChou, Teochew, Hainan..etc. Some Malaysian Chinese don't know the chinese language at all, we call them "Banana" (Yellow Asian coloured skin, but white caucasian inside)
2. Have better English proficiency (We were once British colony). But our English is fondly called "Manglish" (Malaysian English) or "Singlish"(Singaporean English) as it is a English Creole with a mixture of Malay, Indian Chinese words in it.
3. Loves Malay, Indian, and Chinese food of all kinds.
4. Great exposure to multicultural environment as Malaysian population comprises of Malays, Chinese, Indians, and various local tribes. And hence, we are exposed to various religion mainly Islam, Christian, Buddhist, Hinduism,..etc and also Atheism!
5. Love our country Malaysia, love our multi-ethnic friends, but most likely to speak out against the government critically in certain government policies.
My thoughts
I am now studying in the UK. Most people thought that I'm from Hong Kong or Mainland China. But hey, chinese are everywhere! I'm from Malaysia. When I say I'm a Malaysian, they'll think that I'm a Muslim Malay. No, I'm Malaysian Chinese, to be more specific, a Malaysian with chinese ethnicity. No, I can't really relate to the Hong Kongers, I don't identify with the Mainland Chinese. Our cultures and upbringing are totally different. Malaysian Chinese are genuinely different, and sometimes I felt insulted when they think I'm from Mainland China, given the bad reputation of Mainland Chinese tourist generated,
No, I don't have problem at all to understand English. Just because Mainland Chinese struggled with English doesn't mean that we Malaysian Chinese will do the same. Our English is way better than what you expect. (Call me proud but this is generally true). There is one occasion where the church speaker said that he will speak slower to accommodate my poor English skills. Hey, that's an insult! I understand you just fine.,,but I don't blame them because most Mainland Chinese and Hong Kongers have bad English skills.
To a certain point, I lose my confidence, thinking that all white British people will just group me together with other Mainland Chinese. That's a pretty bad reputation actually given that Mainland Chinese are notorious for their bad tourist behavior, tarnishing the image of Asian faces. But it's not fair to the Mainland Chinese as they are actually kind people, just a bit loud, dirty and inconsiderate. But that's fine, it's not their fault for their upbringing. We Malaysian Chinese are no better either.
What will you feel when I say you British are the same as the French? I don't think you will be happy isn't it? But that's fine, we can't identify French from Britons unless we listen to your conversations haha. So, I am trying my best to accept the fact that, unless Britons interact with me, they'll just think that I'm from Mainland China.
Malaysia Dilemma
Dear Malaysia, please don't reject me just because I am of chinese ethnicity. I am born and raised in a typical middle-class Malaysian society, I pay taxes to the Malaysian government. I consider Malaysia as my home, my only home. I love all Malaysians regardless of their belief and skin colour. But some of the policies are not so favorable to us, and force us to look for better opportunity elsewhere, contributing to the brain drain. I would really love to contribute to the Malaysian economy, but now I am indirectly forced to search for "greener grass" outside of Malaysia, which made me very very sad. I have no idea of my future, really no. But my heart will always be Malaysian, Malaysia boleh.
Thursday 8 January 2015
why am I sad now
I feel depressed, sad, in-confident, tired,, lonely and basically very down. I have to identify why am i feeling this:
1. I have to decide whether I want to join my parents for European tour. It's one of the biggest decision inlife I have to make. I have to weigh out all possibilities, outcome, cost, and family values. Before these, I always go with the flow. Now suddenly need to make a choice, I feel very shock and sudden. I don't know what to do.
2. I may have to apply for National Insurance Number again. I was late for submission due to uni close during Christmas period. what can I do? What should I do? When can I know if I'm successful or not? Why ppl seem so smooth yet I so hard.. hmmm
3. Job during the summer? The process of interview, selection, rejection scares me out. I don't want to feel rejected. Yet, without effort, don't expect a summer internship will come anytime soon.
God, I lift all these into your hands, you are my guide, Lord of my life. May your will be done, and your spirit of wisdom and discernment be with me. Amen
1. I have to decide whether I want to join my parents for European tour. It's one of the biggest decision inlife I have to make. I have to weigh out all possibilities, outcome, cost, and family values. Before these, I always go with the flow. Now suddenly need to make a choice, I feel very shock and sudden. I don't know what to do.
2. I may have to apply for National Insurance Number again. I was late for submission due to uni close during Christmas period. what can I do? What should I do? When can I know if I'm successful or not? Why ppl seem so smooth yet I so hard.. hmmm
3. Job during the summer? The process of interview, selection, rejection scares me out. I don't want to feel rejected. Yet, without effort, don't expect a summer internship will come anytime soon.
God, I lift all these into your hands, you are my guide, Lord of my life. May your will be done, and your spirit of wisdom and discernment be with me. Amen
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