It's 28th Oct 2014, these facts are pretty true up to this date
1. I love emo songs, especially emo chinese songs of Jay Chou. I can relate to Jay Chou's songs, lyrics and MVs most of the time.
2. I have no best friend, or group of really close friends whom I can confide with, since birth. I usually confide with my family members, and it seemed that my sisters can understand me a lot, most probably because we think and act the same way.
3. I love procrastinating. Sometimes, it seemed that working or thinking of a solution in last minute yields the best results.
4. I am shy, very introvert. Yet, sometimes I think I have dual personality. I can suddenly become an outspoken person, and then suddenly become shy and over-thinking again.
5. I love working alone. The idea of having to tolerate lazy or uncooperative person in a group project pretty much make me wanna screw them up. However, I do love to work with people who have more understanding on a subject, where I can learn more things.
6. I really hate prideful people. Sometimes I think I am pretty conceited too. However, I am training myself to tolerate and accept everyone, promoting their good side and accepting their bad side. Nobody is perfect, if not; I have to hate every single person on earth. God teach us to love others, as he had loved us first.
7. I am weak, but God always see me through all obstacles. I got a scholarship because of good results, God blessed me. I can't do it, I suck at studying, but God gave me the determination and wisdom to assail the studies.
8. I love seeking attention. I love to be the center of attention. I will feel sad and despair if people don't praise me or give enough attention to me. I am still struggling to fix this part of me. I need people's agreement, people's praises, people's acknowledgement. I am very sensitive on how people look at me.
9. Every now and then, bad memories in the past, especially memories on how bad, irresponsible, immature of me to hurt others in the past.. these memories will crop up in my mind and pretty much torture me. I'll pray about it and ask God to help me to accept the past, learn from it and move on.
10. I am afraid to get too close to people. My experience taught me that once I became too close to certain people such as a best friend, I tend to hurt them verbally and mentally abuse them. That's one of the reason I am afraid to have best buddy or whatsoever, afraid that my flaws will hurt them.
11. I love drawing, music, and anything else not so sciency, Yet, I'm taking engineering as my academic career path, not sure how this will work haha
12. I do have a pretty negative stereotype on Mainland China people, Africans, fat Americans. But I have to force myself to love everyone as everyone is a masterpiece by God. We all have flaws, and we have to bear each other with love. Experience taught me that stereotyping bring more harm than good.
13. I have a soft spot for girls, the kind of girl who is mature, down to earth, special, ready to make a stand for what she believe in, remain pure although the environment is corrupted, strong in faith in Jesus, diligent, a bit of sarcasm in everything, same type of thinking as me, understanding, kind hearted. I'll not worry about my future spouse if I do have one. I don't mind not having one, it's not a good thing to marry just for the sake of marriage. If it is God's plan for me to be in a marriage, I believe that the marriage is meant to bless more people. Therefore, God will control, God will decide. I'll pray before making any moves, choices,, and let the peace of God to guide me.
Tuesday 28 October 2014
Monday 27 October 2014
Am I ready for a job?
I just received another call from an employer for bar and staff and hospitality. I mean, If I want to get a summer job, is this the best method? Honestly I was so afraid of the phone call. They asked me to have the national insurance number, reference and something else that I can not produce and bring it to them in 3 days, Such a short notice,, am I really ready for it? Commercials sucks, they portray benefits, and it;s really up to us to think about the cost and the responsibilities. Besides, the location is too far away, am I really that desperate?
I am not sure is this is God's plan for me. Call me superstitious I dont mind haha. But I really want to do things that honour God, things that God want me to do, things that God allowed me to do to grow mentally and spiritually. I didn't really think about the cost when applying for a summer job. I guess I'm not brave enough, no experience. I'm confused. If it's not meant for me, I'll probably just give up. This is the same experience when I alone too Geography in SPM. Is this what God wants me to do? Am I doing the right thing? A lot of people with seniority told me not to do it but somehow there's a "stupid" idea to take the subject. God took my misery into his testimony. In the end, I understood. 2 years of suffering is a chance to glorify God with my results. I knew if I didn't took the subject and obeyed what other people told me, I wouldn't be the top student of my state and get a scholarship to UK. See, God's plan is super good, God open the door, but we have to walk to the door. God's directions for you doesn't mean that there will be no opposition. In fact, more opposition. But God will guide you thru, his grace is enough. Sometimes I wondered why I suffer, but then I realised the vindication and the reward in the end (by God's grace) far exceeded the cost.
Now back to the job application. huh really? I am not brave, no experience in bar staff. I don't know if this is God's will for me to work in a bar. My experience is that, God's plans for me are usually unexpected, miraculous and usually come as "stupid ideas". And then by prayer and petition, and thanksgiving, the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guide me in Christ Jesus. I really wanted to do what God wanted me to do. The problem is, I don't really know. I just know that there's a stupid idea to get a summer job in UK. How? What job? I dont know.
I don't know where to go what to do. I can't get national insurance number in 3 days. Its too short notice, and I can't arrange place to stay.
I can't decide for myself whether these things are the best for me. I never thought about it. It come to the point where I hate choices involving large stakes. I want people to tell me what to do: The choice of universities, whether to apply for student exchange, whether to go UK, whether to take Geography, whether this or that. I didn't think too much when I applied, which is probably the best thing. Now suddenly I have to think for myself haiz,,,, For big thins in life, I need encouragement, families' blessings, I need prayers, I need God's approval.
Everything is possible. I know if I fail to plan, I plan to fail.
It's totally a miracle that I'm here in the UK, studying. I know God is good and his mercy endureth forever. God's will? My UK application is unexpected and miracle. I know, if I compare with others, their process is way more smooth. But is it my mistake? Is it my way of looking at things? Is it about my maturity is handling stuff. The only good thing that comes out of comparing with others is to improve myself without self-condemning or conceited with pride.
Praise God for everything! Is it too late if I don;t apply summer jobs now? But the jobs that I apply now will lead me to part time job while studying, which is not good.
I don't mind going back to Malaysia in summer, which might be the best thing. But I'm sure God has plans for me, something ultimately good, even if it might seem bad in human's sight
I am not sure is this is God's plan for me. Call me superstitious I dont mind haha. But I really want to do things that honour God, things that God want me to do, things that God allowed me to do to grow mentally and spiritually. I didn't really think about the cost when applying for a summer job. I guess I'm not brave enough, no experience. I'm confused. If it's not meant for me, I'll probably just give up. This is the same experience when I alone too Geography in SPM. Is this what God wants me to do? Am I doing the right thing? A lot of people with seniority told me not to do it but somehow there's a "stupid" idea to take the subject. God took my misery into his testimony. In the end, I understood. 2 years of suffering is a chance to glorify God with my results. I knew if I didn't took the subject and obeyed what other people told me, I wouldn't be the top student of my state and get a scholarship to UK. See, God's plan is super good, God open the door, but we have to walk to the door. God's directions for you doesn't mean that there will be no opposition. In fact, more opposition. But God will guide you thru, his grace is enough. Sometimes I wondered why I suffer, but then I realised the vindication and the reward in the end (by God's grace) far exceeded the cost.
Now back to the job application. huh really? I am not brave, no experience in bar staff. I don't know if this is God's will for me to work in a bar. My experience is that, God's plans for me are usually unexpected, miraculous and usually come as "stupid ideas". And then by prayer and petition, and thanksgiving, the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guide me in Christ Jesus. I really wanted to do what God wanted me to do. The problem is, I don't really know. I just know that there's a stupid idea to get a summer job in UK. How? What job? I dont know.
I don't know where to go what to do. I can't get national insurance number in 3 days. Its too short notice, and I can't arrange place to stay.
I can't decide for myself whether these things are the best for me. I never thought about it. It come to the point where I hate choices involving large stakes. I want people to tell me what to do: The choice of universities, whether to apply for student exchange, whether to go UK, whether to take Geography, whether this or that. I didn't think too much when I applied, which is probably the best thing. Now suddenly I have to think for myself haiz,,,, For big thins in life, I need encouragement, families' blessings, I need prayers, I need God's approval.
Everything is possible. I know if I fail to plan, I plan to fail.
It's totally a miracle that I'm here in the UK, studying. I know God is good and his mercy endureth forever. God's will? My UK application is unexpected and miracle. I know, if I compare with others, their process is way more smooth. But is it my mistake? Is it my way of looking at things? Is it about my maturity is handling stuff. The only good thing that comes out of comparing with others is to improve myself without self-condemning or conceited with pride.
Praise God for everything! Is it too late if I don;t apply summer jobs now? But the jobs that I apply now will lead me to part time job while studying, which is not good.
I don't mind going back to Malaysia in summer, which might be the best thing. But I'm sure God has plans for me, something ultimately good, even if it might seem bad in human's sight
Wednesday 22 October 2014
What God reminded me today
Today i suddenly realised (again) that I worried too much, really too much. God says "When I'm with you, who shall stand against you?"
Whatever situation that I will face, no matter what happen, as long as God is with me, I'll be ok. Even if it failed, it's still alright, for God is always in control. Trusting God is doing my best, not worrying the rest.
I am actually worried about carrer, jobs, finance, studies...etc. But God or Holy Spirit, in a small revelation, always reminded me to have the peace of heart and the peace of mind from God. The bible says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to thy own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he shall direct your path, trust and hope in the Lord" and also "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
So now God, I commit to you everything that's in my mind: Carrers, study, relationships.... etc. I know that God, when things are in your hand, whether the outcome is good or bad, you're in control. I can only do my best and commit everything to you, trusting in you, not worrying about anything. I will praise your name forever, thanksgiving to the maximum, for everything revolves around you. You are the purpose of my life. You are in my everything, Lord have your way with me.
Whatever situation that I will face, no matter what happen, as long as God is with me, I'll be ok. Even if it failed, it's still alright, for God is always in control. Trusting God is doing my best, not worrying the rest.
I am actually worried about carrer, jobs, finance, studies...etc. But God or Holy Spirit, in a small revelation, always reminded me to have the peace of heart and the peace of mind from God. The bible says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to thy own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he shall direct your path, trust and hope in the Lord" and also "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
So now God, I commit to you everything that's in my mind: Carrers, study, relationships.... etc. I know that God, when things are in your hand, whether the outcome is good or bad, you're in control. I can only do my best and commit everything to you, trusting in you, not worrying about anything. I will praise your name forever, thanksgiving to the maximum, for everything revolves around you. You are the purpose of my life. You are in my everything, Lord have your way with me.
Thursday 9 October 2014
Special Malaysians
It's the third week I'm here in the UK. Now I know that Malaysians are soooooo special.
This is especially true for Malaysian Chinese. Malaysian Chinese can speak at least 3 languages: Malay, English and Mandarin. Some can speak more than 4 dialects including Hakka, Cantonese, Hokkien, Teochew... etc. Some even can speak Tamil!
But I don't find myself belong to anywhere, though. I speak primarily in English in day to day basis in school and University, I speak Cantonese to family members. I speak Mandarin to Malaysian classmates back in high school. I speak Malay to Malay friends and other local people. I speak Hakka to my extended family. Yes, my first language is not English, but that doesn't mean I really totally can't understand what British people are saying. My Cantonese is not up to the Hong Kong students' standard, nor is my Mandarin compared to Mainland Chinese students. My English is actually Malaysian English: called Manglish, interchangeable and mutually intelligible with Singlish (Singaporean English). And British people had a hard time understanding my English because it is full of Mandarin or Malay slangs.
That's why Malaysians are special, if we look at the positive side. We can more or less mix with any students from Caucasians to extreme Chinese cultures. On a more negative note, we belong nowhere other than ourselves.
So, it's up to us, really, if we want to mix all around or to be isolated and lonely. But note that it may take some time for Malaysians to really adjust and integrate with students from other cultures.
OR 
This is especially true for Malaysian Chinese. Malaysian Chinese can speak at least 3 languages: Malay, English and Mandarin. Some can speak more than 4 dialects including Hakka, Cantonese, Hokkien, Teochew... etc. Some even can speak Tamil!
But I don't find myself belong to anywhere, though. I speak primarily in English in day to day basis in school and University, I speak Cantonese to family members. I speak Mandarin to Malaysian classmates back in high school. I speak Malay to Malay friends and other local people. I speak Hakka to my extended family. Yes, my first language is not English, but that doesn't mean I really totally can't understand what British people are saying. My Cantonese is not up to the Hong Kong students' standard, nor is my Mandarin compared to Mainland Chinese students. My English is actually Malaysian English: called Manglish, interchangeable and mutually intelligible with Singlish (Singaporean English). And British people had a hard time understanding my English because it is full of Mandarin or Malay slangs.
That's why Malaysians are special, if we look at the positive side. We can more or less mix with any students from Caucasians to extreme Chinese cultures. On a more negative note, we belong nowhere other than ourselves.
So, it's up to us, really, if we want to mix all around or to be isolated and lonely. But note that it may take some time for Malaysians to really adjust and integrate with students from other cultures.
OR
Sunday 5 October 2014
Real sh*t?
This is how I feel, when the semester starts, and some other issues. I know God is with me, and he will help me, through it all, I trust in God.
Saturday 4 October 2014
Useless
So, I have been applying summer intern everywhere I can. It hits me that I am pretty useless actually. Who am I? I know, God made me awesome but right now, it's time to really write down how I actually felt.
I am facing a real serious rejection for the first time. I feel so useless. No work experience or whatsoever. I am not used to being able to take charge of what I want to do. I am used to being told what to do, putting the analytic and speculative part to either my parents and/or God. But being able to take charge right now doesn't mean I don't do what God wants me to do. God will make a way, but I have to open the door myself. He will lead me, but I have to walk. It's time for me to grow in Christian faith.
My parents chose the primary and secondary school for me. People told them that it's a bad choice but in the end, God made us excel, against people's speculations. And later on, something told me to change to a better secondary school. That feeling, it just feels right. That feeling lead me ever since. When I feel that something is meant to happen, I will follow it, no matter how stupid. For the record until now, that feeling had led me here in the UK. I feel the peace in every choice I make. If I don't have the peace, I won't do it. That feeling, led me to apply for exchange program to USA, even though parents object against it. In the end, it's alright. That feeling, led me to do many things which I don't have the courage to do, but in the end, peace came on I can do it. Usually, for big plans which I don't have control over (like my careers), I won't expect anything. But I will trust God and do my best in trying.
Sometimes, some things are just not right. I went to singing competition when I was 11. Andddd, well, it didn't went well. But people always say "have to come out of comfort zone, try new things, don't afraid of failures, blahh blahh blahh and be what u want to be... " Well, my way of thinking is that while it is perfectly essential to take care of our disadvantages, it is absolutely recommended to do our best to sharpen and make our talents into something better by constant practice with diligence. Let's say a person is good at arts but not music. He would be better off to train more in arts. But he can also try to bang the wall by heading out into music, but without the talent, he will not go anywhere. Some say "Oh, you have to be determine... blah blah blah". But when it is not yours, it wouldn't be, no matter how much you force into it.
So the million dollar question is; am I fit to work? Should I go for summer intern? I have no idea at all. I am not qualified, as an asian and international student, my chance of getting intern is pretttttty low. It's really the real shit, but I will choose not to give up. I have to force myself to accept failure, only after I have done everything I can. I never been this desperate before. There's a thinking in my mind that goes like this:" The more you want it, the more you won't get it. The more you don't want or don't care about it, things will just get into you, naturally". You see, I didn't desperately want the exchange program, and I got it. I didn't desperately want the scholarship, and God blessed me. I didn't desperately want to study in UK, but God blessed me. Why? Because I know I have nothing to fear, nothing to lose as I always have God and he will never forsake me.
But now, should I desperately want summer intern? Desperation is not a good thing though. Ok then, I shall fly back to Malaysia in the summer. I don't mind. But, I will try to get internships if I can. Expecting nothing, remaining calm, knowing that worst come to worse, I am still ok. God is with me always. So, I shall not worry. Don't think about the consequences.
I am facing a real serious rejection for the first time. I feel so useless. No work experience or whatsoever. I am not used to being able to take charge of what I want to do. I am used to being told what to do, putting the analytic and speculative part to either my parents and/or God. But being able to take charge right now doesn't mean I don't do what God wants me to do. God will make a way, but I have to open the door myself. He will lead me, but I have to walk. It's time for me to grow in Christian faith.
My parents chose the primary and secondary school for me. People told them that it's a bad choice but in the end, God made us excel, against people's speculations. And later on, something told me to change to a better secondary school. That feeling, it just feels right. That feeling lead me ever since. When I feel that something is meant to happen, I will follow it, no matter how stupid. For the record until now, that feeling had led me here in the UK. I feel the peace in every choice I make. If I don't have the peace, I won't do it. That feeling, led me to apply for exchange program to USA, even though parents object against it. In the end, it's alright. That feeling, led me to do many things which I don't have the courage to do, but in the end, peace came on I can do it. Usually, for big plans which I don't have control over (like my careers), I won't expect anything. But I will trust God and do my best in trying.
Sometimes, some things are just not right. I went to singing competition when I was 11. Andddd, well, it didn't went well. But people always say "have to come out of comfort zone, try new things, don't afraid of failures, blahh blahh blahh and be what u want to be... " Well, my way of thinking is that while it is perfectly essential to take care of our disadvantages, it is absolutely recommended to do our best to sharpen and make our talents into something better by constant practice with diligence. Let's say a person is good at arts but not music. He would be better off to train more in arts. But he can also try to bang the wall by heading out into music, but without the talent, he will not go anywhere. Some say "Oh, you have to be determine... blah blah blah". But when it is not yours, it wouldn't be, no matter how much you force into it.
So the million dollar question is; am I fit to work? Should I go for summer intern? I have no idea at all. I am not qualified, as an asian and international student, my chance of getting intern is pretttttty low. It's really the real shit, but I will choose not to give up. I have to force myself to accept failure, only after I have done everything I can. I never been this desperate before. There's a thinking in my mind that goes like this:" The more you want it, the more you won't get it. The more you don't want or don't care about it, things will just get into you, naturally". You see, I didn't desperately want the exchange program, and I got it. I didn't desperately want the scholarship, and God blessed me. I didn't desperately want to study in UK, but God blessed me. Why? Because I know I have nothing to fear, nothing to lose as I always have God and he will never forsake me.
But now, should I desperately want summer intern? Desperation is not a good thing though. Ok then, I shall fly back to Malaysia in the summer. I don't mind. But, I will try to get internships if I can. Expecting nothing, remaining calm, knowing that worst come to worse, I am still ok. God is with me always. So, I shall not worry. Don't think about the consequences.
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