envious

I am easily envious
Every time I see their vacation pictures, couple pictures, or their migration stories out of Malaysia, I immediately get jealous.

Being envious bcoz I want what they have.
However, I found that it is impossible to fulfill the need of getting what others have. Others may be envious of what I have which they don't.

Father God, thanks for providing everything I need and help me not be envious of others but be content of what I have. Amen

A trail of regret

Every path of life I take, I felt like I left a trail of poignant regret over the road.
I can't face the past, due to my fear of facing the mistake and rectifying it.
Every phase of life, I left regrets. Hence, I suck at maintaining old contacts, because once the phase of life is done, I have nothing to do with it anymore. Deep down I always admire those who can keep good contact with good friends. I can't. I can never.
And hence, I turned to avoidance as a response, which we all know is not the best solution.
I wanted to keep a perfect track record, which is impossible. I wanted to make a perfect façade, a perfect image. We all know this won't work. I can see this trait clearly on my dad. But that doesn't mean I will blame him because it's my own fault that I can't face past mistakes and regrets appropriately.

Each phase of life, I left with regrets. Hence, it pretty darn awkward to go back. Hence, I can only move forward, and to forget everything that I had in the past.

pending: leaving the charity shop for a year, leaving my friends for placement for a year
2015 summer: leaving the Japanese restaurant, never to return again to visit because I managed to offend the boss hahaha
2014 summer: I offended almost everyone. Hence, I have regrets and don't feel like meeting my UNMC friends anymore
2013: Left the host family in USA. Friends as well. Didn't really keep in contact due to awkwardness, and doesn't need to hahaha.
2012: Left high school, never to see my classmates for reunion ever again, and I don't feel like it although I do admire those who did. Left home town, and never got any friends that I can look forward to meet again. Including the church since I got really bad memories about it :(
2010: Left the boys school and never kept in contact with those. Due to my immaturity, I feel pretty darn bad about it.
2007: Left the primary school, kept no contacts ever since

Hence, I don't think I can keep in contact with my current friends once this phase of life is over. Sad, even if I want to, I don't know how. Eat? what to talk? Paiseh la

Anyways, there are always silver lining. In every bad regrets etc, there will be something sweet to be remember of. You see, human brains are engineered to remember the bad more often so to improve ourselves. But, it's a matter of choice whether we want to reminiscent the good part of every regret. And hence the picture below (my best paint job lol) represents what I'm thinkin right now

How I wish I'm white

Yes, I am betraying the yellow people haha.
Yes, I know I have to be proud of my own race, nationality and skin colour. But yet, sometimes I hope I am white.

I wish I am white,
So middle aged white lady will not look down on me

I wish I am white
So I can gain the confidence of other white people

I wish I am white
So I don't feel inferior talking to church members

I wish I am white
So I won't be labelled as Chinese pig

I wish I am white
So I don't seem like living in a parallel society when hanging out with my own ethnicity group

I wish I am white
So I don't need to make the double effort for integration

I wish I am white
So I can be myself, not forcing myself to be talking alot in order to "mix" well

I wish I am white
So any rude East-Asian looking tourist will not make me a bad stereotype

I wish I am white
So I can be rid of prejudice

But in the end I'm just a typical Malaysian Chinese, who is never truly welcomed in Malaysia or abroad :(

Got a conditional job offer

By the grace of God, a company decided to hire me in a rather sensitive industry. I also don't know why they would hire me.
I've been thru 4 interviews, 3 rejected, 1 accepted.
Thank God!
But now the next stages: it's a rather tedious process with security clearance. I just submitted the security clearance.
Lots of hoops to go thru. I sometime concern if i gave the correct documents and stuff. So yeah, I am worried. But God always told me not to worry in any circumstances.
Don't know why this few days very un-motivated. No mood to do tutorials, attend lectures, or even concentrate on doing something,
This few days I also have a very negative feeling about myself and everyone else around me, don't know why.
Perhaps I'm bipolar or something, but I know God is with me in this.

Now, for the next stages: (assuming everything will be smooth)
Pass thru the security clearance,
Pass thru the health and medical check
Pass thru the results barrier
Find a nice house
Be mentally prepared for the most exhausting (physically and mentally) year yet.

Quite a number of hoops yeah? That's why I will probably not announce to everyone that I got a placement bcoz it's still not really confirmed.

Thank God!! It's always good to praise the Lord

Job application :(

So far all I applied, all I've worked for, it's all futile. Rejection after rejection, I wonder if it's worth my energy to try again

Again and again

I am not a planner. I am not the kind of people described in those motivation talks. To plan the dream and work towards goals. In fact, I don't have goals at all. I just live life as how it brings me. They say this kind of mindset will lead me into failure. Yes, it will. But somehow God's grace is still sufficient, more than enough. Time and Time again he brought me out. In fact, I hate planning my life, I just do my best and allow God to lead me.

Peace, Miracle, unexpectedness

This is the first time in my life that I actually plan for something to happen. Before that, it's all by miracle.
I didn't plan to go to a good school, suddenly God put me there [If i stayed on I'll not be able to thrive in a good environment]
I didn't plan to get state scholarship, God blessed me. [In fact I failed all other scholarships]
I didn't plan my life after SPM, God blessed me with an opportunity to USA [In fact if I didn't go USA, I'll be useless in Malaysia]
I didn't plan to go UK, God blessed me. [In fact if I didn't go UK, I won't learn that much in life]

It's all a bonus to me. I didn't plan, it just popped out. Praise God
Even my last summer part time job is a miracle. [I failed all applications. If I got other jobs, I don't have the flexibility and the food!]

So, what I will expect is:
1. Total failure in all job applications
2. Total envy of others getting jobs seemingly easily, And they tell me what to do :(
3. Total exhaustion and wait until last minute before something happen
4. Might not happen to have a placement, but at least I gave my best
5. It's either die without trying or die with at least a sense of morality, trying hard

Most importantly, I commit all these into God's hands. His got his plans for me. I know it for sure. May his will be done.

How I feel when my job application is rejected

[some sentences may be written in Manglish/Singlish]

Bad, very bad.

So far, I've applied for 15 placement positions, and I kena rejected by 5 companies, early stages.

You know how sucks it felt?
Quite bad
Aiya, so mafan lah apply here apply there, spend hours tailoring an application and then kena rejected just like that,
It's too damn competitive I understand, nothing I can do.
They basically say I'm not good enough, we need someone better
I just need a placement
I know it's impossible
May God's will be done, and may this be a testimony to him. Many people will get it, but I want this story to bring him glory.
In the end, it's how I remember that mattered, not how I compared to others

I learnt my lesson: never expect anything from this. No expectation = happy

Feel quite hopeless now, nobody wants me???? Seeing other students so easily get placement made me wonder if I'm qualified to be a "Talented Brain-Drained Personnel". HAHAHAHA probably not.


[Unrelated Content]

let's get back to the poop hole and be bombarded by endless racist comments by the mindless politicians. And not to forget the stupid policies and low mentality people being the majority. It will probably get worse with the foreign bad influences. It is a perfect, prospective place if one is ignorant of all the problems though. It's so sad, an awesome potential wasted into some poop hole, with politicians' greed ruling the mindless people. I have no idea what to do, what to think, what to hope for.
The only silver lining is the food, that's about it.

Job applications

I've been applying for placements, so far I'm facing many trials

Rejection basically means a company says to you:" you're not good enough, get lost, we don't want you, you suck"

Ouch, they're saying I'm not good enough for them, I 'll have to prove them wrong, maybe they're right, then I'll have to improve

What a tough life