Depressed

I am very depressed. Not sure if this is clinical depression or not. Yet, I am feeling down, all the time.
My Job is not really going as well as I thought, or I hope to be, or I pretend to be for the sake of my parents comfort of heart.
I feel very useless at job. For example, something that I felt can be done in 15 min took me like 6 hours. You know how hopeless and disappointing that sounds? I disappointed everyone, especially myself.
I know God is still in control. In Church, I felt that I kena pushed in a sense that when I asked for something, they tai chi here and there, pushing the job of acquainting me with relevant groups to one and another. You might argue that I am too sensitive. yes I am too sensitive, but that doesn't take away my right in speaking up how I felt.

To make things kinda worse, I have no friends to relate to anything. I feel the emptiness with watching anime or drawing.

I know I had to be thankful for the placement. I hoped for this placement above anything else from the start of 2015. I thank God for giving me this placement, and all glory to Him. Yet I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm counting down for the days that this placement will end. Is the prize worth the price?

I feel tired, exhausted mentally. The only friend I have is my laptop. To matters even lower, I hate small talking or talking to anyone in general. Sometimes I just want to fall flat to my bed and forget about the world for a while.

I felt very very bad all the time. Social media make it seems like the world is so perfect and everyone should be happy all the time. But the truth is that sometimes it's ok to be sad or feel lonely. Everybody felt that, just not everyone will admit it openly or make no attempts to cover it.

Loneliness

A month into the job now. I felt so lonely. I don't have friends a all. Partly due to my very shy and introvert nature. I went to church, standing there alone awkwardly after service. I don't like having small talks, and I don't bother to waste my energy to talk to other people.

I really hated small talks in a large social setting.
But what to do, it's part of courtesy in the culture of Britain. "How are u?" is just a courtesy, nobody really want to know how are u. Slowly but sure, I begin to say "how are u" without meaning it. I felt so superficial and fake, but I guess when I'm in UK, do like the British.

I just don't know la, alone. I don't mind being alone. What I mind is people staring at me as if they never seen people alone before. It's like a huge taboo if someone is standing there alone with nobody to talk to. Personally I think it's fine. But I guess the social pressure in the UK is different.

Got a job

So,, I have a job as an industrial placement student in an engineering consultancy company.
I have a 9-5 job, staring at computer screen the whole time trying to figure out what's going on in codings and science.

Come to think about it, I really thank God for providing everything. Everything that I have now, the position that I'm in now, its from God and I want to give him all glory and praise, for without him none of this would happen. Many will do it without difficulty but I faced a lot of challenges and I wanna give God the highest glory.

Things I worry about or thinking it'll be very hard had come out fine.

In Jan 2016, I'm still worry if I can get a placement; now I'm officially in the company already.
In April 2016, I'm worry if I can get a good house with good price and location; now I'm comfortably settled into the new house.
All these are miracles to me, it may seem very normal or petty but it's a great deal to me

So I just wanna praise God and I know that God placed me in this position for a reason, to glorify him as well as blessing others

envious

I am easily envious
Every time I see their vacation pictures, couple pictures, or their migration stories out of Malaysia, I immediately get jealous.

Being envious bcoz I want what they have.
However, I found that it is impossible to fulfill the need of getting what others have. Others may be envious of what I have which they don't.

Father God, thanks for providing everything I need and help me not be envious of others but be content of what I have. Amen

A trail of regret

Every path of life I take, I felt like I left a trail of poignant regret over the road.
I can't face the past, due to my fear of facing the mistake and rectifying it.
Every phase of life, I left regrets. Hence, I suck at maintaining old contacts, because once the phase of life is done, I have nothing to do with it anymore. Deep down I always admire those who can keep good contact with good friends. I can't. I can never.
And hence, I turned to avoidance as a response, which we all know is not the best solution.
I wanted to keep a perfect track record, which is impossible. I wanted to make a perfect façade, a perfect image. We all know this won't work. I can see this trait clearly on my dad. But that doesn't mean I will blame him because it's my own fault that I can't face past mistakes and regrets appropriately.

Each phase of life, I left with regrets. Hence, it pretty darn awkward to go back. Hence, I can only move forward, and to forget everything that I had in the past.

pending: leaving the charity shop for a year, leaving my friends for placement for a year
2015 summer: leaving the Japanese restaurant, never to return again to visit because I managed to offend the boss hahaha
2014 summer: I offended almost everyone. Hence, I have regrets and don't feel like meeting my UNMC friends anymore
2013: Left the host family in USA. Friends as well. Didn't really keep in contact due to awkwardness, and doesn't need to hahaha.
2012: Left high school, never to see my classmates for reunion ever again, and I don't feel like it although I do admire those who did. Left home town, and never got any friends that I can look forward to meet again. Including the church since I got really bad memories about it :(
2010: Left the boys school and never kept in contact with those. Due to my immaturity, I feel pretty darn bad about it.
2007: Left the primary school, kept no contacts ever since

Hence, I don't think I can keep in contact with my current friends once this phase of life is over. Sad, even if I want to, I don't know how. Eat? what to talk? Paiseh la

Anyways, there are always silver lining. In every bad regrets etc, there will be something sweet to be remember of. You see, human brains are engineered to remember the bad more often so to improve ourselves. But, it's a matter of choice whether we want to reminiscent the good part of every regret. And hence the picture below (my best paint job lol) represents what I'm thinkin right now

How I wish I'm white

Yes, I am betraying the yellow people haha.
Yes, I know I have to be proud of my own race, nationality and skin colour. But yet, sometimes I hope I am white.

I wish I am white,
So middle aged white lady will not look down on me

I wish I am white
So I can gain the confidence of other white people

I wish I am white
So I don't feel inferior talking to church members

I wish I am white
So I won't be labelled as Chinese pig

I wish I am white
So I don't seem like living in a parallel society when hanging out with my own ethnicity group

I wish I am white
So I don't need to make the double effort for integration

I wish I am white
So I can be myself, not forcing myself to be talking alot in order to "mix" well

I wish I am white
So any rude East-Asian looking tourist will not make me a bad stereotype

I wish I am white
So I can be rid of prejudice

But in the end I'm just a typical Malaysian Chinese, who is never truly welcomed in Malaysia or abroad :(

Got a conditional job offer

By the grace of God, a company decided to hire me in a rather sensitive industry. I also don't know why they would hire me.
I've been thru 4 interviews, 3 rejected, 1 accepted.
Thank God!
But now the next stages: it's a rather tedious process with security clearance. I just submitted the security clearance.
Lots of hoops to go thru. I sometime concern if i gave the correct documents and stuff. So yeah, I am worried. But God always told me not to worry in any circumstances.
Don't know why this few days very un-motivated. No mood to do tutorials, attend lectures, or even concentrate on doing something,
This few days I also have a very negative feeling about myself and everyone else around me, don't know why.
Perhaps I'm bipolar or something, but I know God is with me in this.

Now, for the next stages: (assuming everything will be smooth)
Pass thru the security clearance,
Pass thru the health and medical check
Pass thru the results barrier
Find a nice house
Be mentally prepared for the most exhausting (physically and mentally) year yet.

Quite a number of hoops yeah? That's why I will probably not announce to everyone that I got a placement bcoz it's still not really confirmed.

Thank God!! It's always good to praise the Lord