Sad life

Just finished visiting my friends back in Guildford. I felt so good since for once in like a long time I can chat with people who can really understand my accent and I can feel completely comfortable. I guess I need to feel comfortable in every place. But the truth is, I don’t. The truth is, I am looking for introvert, same minded friends like me in Bristol, as similar to Guildford. However, the people I meet are all extroverts. I now realized that there’s no point being attach to them, like C in my first year; because in the end I’ll disappoint them as they’ll disappoint me. S and JC are both very extroverted Malaysian people I met in Bristol. I always wonder if I’m too diam diam but then I realized if the brain wave tak ngam, there’s no point trying hard. The most important thing is that my values are still retained. But what are my values? To be honest these few days my values damn compromised already. I don’t know who am I what I’m doing anymore. Is this placement worth it? I need to be thankful. If I go and try to make friends, in the end I feel very tired, not myself and very fake. If I become myself and just don’t care, people will diao me for having no life etc. Can’t I just be myself and become a good friend to those who has similar brain wave? According to social media and the university placement guidelines, placements should be the best time of my life. But right now placement is the worst time in my uni life in UK so far. It felt so good just to be able to write everything out now. I have to be prepared to the fact that I’ll be forgotten and replaced in Guildford anyway. What a sad life I have. If I push hard, I sad. If I don’t push hard, I also sad. Really like forward backward also will sad, damn sad weh.

Now I realized that there’s really no point forcing someone to be my friend. It has to come naturally. The best thing I can do is actually to just don’t have the intention to make friends at all. Just small talk like the ang moh do and don’t look forward for any meaningful connection with anyone. I feel really out of place in everywhere I go, especially in church. I know I should talk, but then again everyone is so cheerful and loud and I’m the odd one out. My conclusion is that it takes two introverts to become an extrovert. Extroverts that I know will better be acquaintance than close friends: JS, AY, RK, CT, SHK, JC.

I also learnt that it will be very selfish of me just like when I’m in Form 2, thinking friends are my properties. But it’s not. It’s the other way round. It’s not about companies, it’s about being true to oneself, even if one has to be alone. Given I’m damn fragile, being alone makes it so so weird. People always diao me being too quiet and should socialize more. But can I just don’t care at all?

Now I understand that being able to feel comfortable around close friends are a great blessing and should not be taken for granted.

Placements should be happy, loud, extroverted and fun. But can I be very honest with you? There are ups and downs, and I can say that I’m now at the very down down part. I’m the only one to blamed for the down part isn’t it? Don’t talk to anyone, don’t feel comfortable at all, don’t make efforts to make friends/connections etc. But if I take effort to be out of my comfort zone, I’m not myself even more, which may be counterproductive, because I’m not that kind of person. For that reason I see myself as the lowest of the lowest among everyone, because everyone can do better. I really suck at social skills.