矛盾

很矛盾，
我单身。
一部分的我很想要有伴；
另部分觉得自己不值得，不够成熟承担。
我相信每个享受都有它的代价。我付不起。我知道，不能因为孤独而想要另一半。
我学习怎么面对孤独，学习怎么淹没伤痕，学习怎么面临后悔，学习面对我对他人的伤害。
有时总觉得自己是个野兽，远离他人，以免造成伤害。
我不笨，但我的所做所为就是笨。自己拿来的，很无需的后果，就是因为幼稚。我伤害了太多人。无论如何也要爬起来面对实地际。好消息就是他人不管我的前恨，只要现实地改，就算名声再坏，也还有重新的机会。

Entitled

I do feel entitled, always.

I think everybody should give me attention
I think everybody should help me
I think everybody should care for me
I think everybody should welcome me with open arms.

The truth is, I got too used (taken them for granted)to  the hospitality and the blessings that I received,,, when they're gone, I felt voided.
I learnt a hard lesson of not getting everything I think I am entitled.

I want to be alone
I want to be left alone
I want to be socially awkward
I want to be the worst team member ever
I want to be needy
I want to be looked down upon
I want to be left out
I want to be the outsider
I want to be being judged
I want to be the useless member of the team
I want to be seemed lazy
I want to be the worst ever

So what if all these happens. It's better to accept it than to try my best to avoid it (which eventually will be counter productive). I learnt that it's all these fears that led me to depression, and being a perfectionist, that doesn't help at all.

Free fall?

Today I learnt that God loves and cares for everyone of us, even for the most wretched ones (which I consider myself as one).
True people don't change, what changes is the way we reduce the ramifications and learnt how to control ourselves.; that's about it