Honest Questions

Why are you so worried?
I choose to stay back in UK this summer. For the first time in my life I am doing what I choose to do, hence bearing the consequences. In the past, it was my parents' or situation that forced me into something. Eg: AFS-YES, playing organ, studying without tuition, going to UK to study....etc

Why did you choose to stay back in UK for summer instead of going back to Malaysia? You know your whole family is there.
To be really honest, I don't feel at home at Sandakan, Malaysia. I can't believe I am saying this but in Sandakan, I don't have friends or freedom or movement (to be exactly correct). I don't have a car. In my past experiences, I'm traumatized in living with quarrelsome parents: An emotionally volatile father and a "I don't care and I will tell all the stuff that we quarreled to everyone else" mother. Nevertheless, I love my parents very much. Yet, there are no perfect parents so I will have to live with it. There are no prefect children and they have to live with it as well. I am thankful to God for such an awesome parents! :)
Spending summer in Malaysia, I will have nothing to do. I will stay in house 24/6. Relying on parents for transport (haha). And on Sunday, I feel particularly stressed, I don't know why. As my dad is a pastor, I feel very pressured. I will have to put up a fake smile and very tiring-lah in summary. I know, but church is very important. I would like to praise God for sending me to church and grow.
Spending summer in UK is not better off either. I will also have nothing to do. Just that I will have extra freedom of movement if I want to travel.

Any other valid reasons not to go back to Malaysia during summer?
No valid reasons. Only childish and immature ones.
I can think of one: My sister is graduating and will be soon heading to work. This is a transition period and I am pretty sure this will involve time, money and energy. I will try not to add to that burden. Besides, if I stay in UK for summer, chances are I will be using my scholarship's money instead of my parents' money.

So, what you gonna do in UK for summer? What have you been doing?
Nothing. Nothing,

Why don't you get a job? Everyone else is at least doing something.
I've tried to apply. So far, all failed or no reply. Sad. Even the ones that I thought is easy. Championslifeacademy, serving food in London, serving food in Woking, University administering job.  Yup my friends are having internship..etc. Something that sounds so professional. Me leh, I'm rotting in UK doing nothing. I don't know but they say getting a job is easy, but for me , it's not. I hate the situation when everyone around me gets the thing that I craved so much so easily. I hate the situation where I am expected to achieve something, just like everyone else. I love the situation where I am the only guy who achieved it (sounds pathetic haha). But I know I shouldn't compare.
It will be a total miracle if I am to work in the summer. Total miracle.
I suck in getting a job. All my life I didn't have any experience in working. I only know studying and studying. My confidence sank in job hunting.

Why can't you just be more open and tell everyone your intention for summer?
I have a habit of keeping everything secret. I would like to be an underdog, who strikes when nobody expects.
Honestly I don't know if it is God's will for me to be in UK for the summer. If it is, I know he will provide. Sometimes God provides what I need, instead of what I want. So now my prayer is that what I need will be what I want, and what I want is what I need, that is Jesus. In God's hand, no matter how bad the situation is, I know I'm still ok.
God will open doors, but I will have to pass it myself. And thank God for opening doors. By grace, through faith. The problem is that now I'm banging on a lot of closed doors, (which hurts haha).

You are spending more money here in UK than in Malaysia. What do you think?
Sad loh, What to do , I stupid mah.

Inference?
It's ok for me not to do anything while all my friends are doing something useful over the summer. Sometimes I think that the more I want it, the more I won't get it. So, I don't want to get a job in UK, UK sucks.

Your conclusion?
I have to accept the fact that I'm a loser. In the event where I am seen as a winner, I will give all glory and praises to God for everything is from him and for him. God, help me to trust in you instead of my own strengths. I know that you are great and awesome, there is no one like you. And you will be praised forever and ever. You brought me out of miry clay, into your glory, to praise your name. Oh Lord our God your ways are higher. I will never understand. I'm like a 2D painting trying to understand the 3D real world. Amen.

Things in the past

Sometimes in the middle of the night, I screamed out loud. I just can't seem to get past the past. The mistakes and the guilt, the shame took a huge grip on me, almost like a burden. I just can't face them. Because of it, I'm more careful. I am more careful to lead a perfect life, which is utterly impossible. God is in me, he cleanse me from within.

2015: I watch porn and masturbate. Some say it's healthy but spiritually it's deadly because I lust for fleshy things. It will all go back to dust when they die and rot. 

2014: I broke people's doors

2013: Regrets over some friends in USA

2012: Failed at band competitions.

2010: Get into unnecessary trouble with the disciplinary teacher. Infatuations.

2009 and 2008: What am I doing? Principal's son got into a lot of unwanted attention and trouble.  

I'm pretty sure they will be more for 2015, 2016, 2017 ...etc. Haiz. God, thank you for loving me even though I'm pretty much a failure.