inner thoughts

Go ahead, laugh, I don't really mind. I'm pretty sure I myself will laugh at what I wrote, maybe 10 years later. Yup, this is how I feel at this moment. Better to write it out than to bury it I guess

I am alone, most of the time. Somehow I am not a very social person. I have a lot of acquaintances, but don't really have close friends whom I can share my thoughts with. From what I observe, My dad and Mum are something like that, sisters too! I have experienced the consequences of choosing wrong cliques before.
I dare not to conform just to join a clique or whatsoever. I am just being myself, but does that mean I have to be alone all the time? But I am sure God will make me a good friend to those beside me.

I'm just being picky. Should I sacrifice some of my values just to get some "friends"? no I don't think so. I guess I gonna be alone for this semester. But hey! Being alone doesn't mean being lonely. Sometimes being with a group of "friends" make me lonelier as I have different values than them. I understand that God created each of us as a unique person. There's no other person like me on this planet. It's up to my maturity to tolerate and bear with each other without jeopardizing my values and belief. Somehow I sometimes feel like I'm a little boy trapped in an adult body>>> Puberty!! I'm in my late teens now, should be more independent, strong and determined, isn't it? Nobody is perfect, the problem is that I am always looking for someone perfect. I have to train myself to accept the imperfection/flaws of others, and ultimately appreciate it for that's what make up their special personality. I got super-lots of flaws, seriously, alot. Alot!

Somehow I always have this crush on this person. It's the 5th year now (how unbelievable). I'm sure I am crushing on the image of her in my brain. It's not the real person, that's why it's a crush. But this crush is pretty huge. Most crushes I had last no more than 6 months, then it's gone. But this person managed to grab on to it for more than 4 years. Well, the funny thing is that I did prayed for her, that her family will receive salvation. Haha! But I know this is just a crush, there is probably no fruits to bear on the road ahead. I am not even her friend! haha! Just a casual acquaintance. If I pressed on, there's probably nothing else but failure due to immaturity. But if I let go and move on, I see myself as a total failure. She knew I had a crush on her, yet she still forgives me, and even agreed to a hangout. Somehow I gotta let it go. I'm just falling for the perfect image I made on her. But thinking back, it's pretty unusual for a crush to last more than a year. This itself is a miracle I guess. Yup, it's time to move on. I guess I started on the wrong foot, due to my immaturity. So yup, immaturity has it dire consequences. But to achieve relative maturity, one has to go through pain, failure, sacrifices. All these things are still smaller than the consequences of staying immature. But once one achieve the relative maturity, he will begin to ponder, is all these sacrifice worth it? Time will tell, and I had experienced it, yes. It is a cruel life on this fallen world. That's why I always wanted to go, back to my heavenly father.

Somehow I can't let go of the image. I am literally obsessed with her. I told myself that God will arrange a soul mate for me, if his will for me is to get married and start a family. She is special to me because she is like a "witch" outside, but inside I know she is good. Due to her special personality, many guys fall for her as well. Most of the guys, well, they are much more successful than me when it comes to relationships. I'm not saying that relationships should be based on impressing one another or comparing. I am just exploding my inner voice out to avoid catastrophe. Am I too picky? If I am gonna look for a relationship, I know I should never compare anyone with her, because "comparison" is not good for a healthy relationship. She is smart, diligent, straight-forward, strong-will, kind-hearted, mature, not conforming to the society around her, basically every personality trait which I like is in her .. yet I am not so sure about the flaws, that's why this is a crush. haha! God knows what lies ahead if I go on to this road. He will prepare the best for me, if I trust in him.

By the way, I always feel happy to see her activities on social media. haha! That's an ultimate crush level! Her character is what venus-fly-trapped me. So far, I haven't seen or known anyone like her. Probably so because she is special (everyone is special in his own ways btw ) to me. haha!! But sadly, this is a crush, an imagination. A sweet imagination. The Most realistic, optimistic outcome is that we will someday become friends and well, stay there. I'll be happy enough to be there. It's a miracle that she still accepts me for who I am, for what I've done to her (my immaturity basically ruined everything). It's always better to go through countless pain and achieve relative maturity than to stay in relative immaturity and fall into pieces.

God's Love

Hillsong did it right. The song "So you would come" had touched me deeply. Yes, God is love. He loves us very much, We're his creation.

Doesn't it make you wanna cry?

Before the world began
You were on His mind
And every tear you cry
Is precious in His eyes
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Nothing you can do
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you've done
Could make Him close the door
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Come to the Father
Though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives
He will take them all
The power of the Word
The power of His blood
Everything was done
So you would come

The Music

No Friend

Go ahead and laugh at this. I admit I'm super immature to think like this. Go ahead, laugh.

I got no friend in Uni. Most of the time I am alone. Why I don't stick to someone? I tried that before and it end up in catastrophe. I don't want my life or time to be bounded by someone else. I just want to do things in my convenience. However, I have to come to a point where I have to accept the consequences of one-man-show life. But is there a balance between self and social life? I'm sure there is. I am still learning to achieve the state where I am "individualistic yet socialized, socialized yet individualistic". This learning process is called "growing up to maturity".

Deep down I am lonely. I need a friend whom I can relate to. I am sure God has placed many wonderful people around me. I just have to adjust my selfish personality. In fact, I don't consider myself as a good friend. Only God can change me. I mean, my concept is that when I get too attached to a clique, most probably I will have to compromise some "value" to continue the stickiness. The ideal situation is that I can find a clique who has the same (or almost) interest and value in life. What's the point of hanging out with so many "friends" just to tell the whole world that "hey look I got so many friends, I'm not a loner, I'm popular, I'm accepted". In the end, if I felt that I'm not myself in the friendship, what's the point? Until I realise/found/revelation a strong friendship, I think I'm gonna be alone.

Yet, I have some people whom I can look to in troubles. I am so selfish that they only exist when I needed help.

Fear

Somehow I am fearful for the next semester. Yes it is funny for the future-me to read this post. I am just letting out what I'm feeling now.

I feel so alone honestly. Yet, I don't dare to make friends because so far nobody can "clique" with me. My CNY, honestly, is boring. But at least I got my car licence and get to spend time with granny.

I just don't know what will happen this coming semester. Sure, I am never the same again. I feel so alone when seeing my coursemates hanging out or doing stuff together. I never felt belong here. But God in his grace and mercy gave me good memories for the past 2 semesters. I just thank God for making me a good friend to others around me (if I am)

It's all about character isn't it. Put a good-character person in a shitty environment, and he will make it wonderful. No matter how good the situation is, if the person has bad character, shit will just turn out.
So, i know I can choose to be happy. Life is nothing but memories, at least that what i think. So I guess i'd just forget about the bad memories, remembering only the good?

I know friends are extremely important. But from my point of view, what's the point of making "friends" out of obligation to survive? What's the point of making "friends" which are not really friends at all. So far, I have a lot of acquaintances, but only a handful of person whom I can talk and trust to. Yet, I think my brainwave doesn't suit everyone easily. I'd just hold on to the values.

So I told myself: It's okay or it's expected for me to be alone, lonely and bored the whole semester. But by God's grace, I shall be victorious, more than a conqueror. Well, every relationship is temporal. Friends will come and go. Death will be the ultimate separator. What to do? Cherish the best out of every friendship/relationship, yet to ready to move one once the season is over. Not easy. But that's what life taught me.

I'm just getting tired. Thank God for a good semester result. I will aim for the best this coming semester. Well, it's gonna be out of my expectation.

Somehow I'm longing for a relationship, a type of friend that i can relate to, a type of friend whom I can be frank with. I know Jesus is my true friend. Yet, in worldly sense, I felt empty. There's a longing for a deep relationship with someone, who I can love. Yes, it sounds super desperate. But i super hate hypocrisy. It's like a yeast in a dough, affecting the whole thing. Yup, God will arrange my life, according to his will, in perfect timing. His works are amazing! He is to be praised forever, for he is King of Kings. So, I'd just lift up my puny life to him for his glory.

A personal prayer

Lord Jesus,

Thank you for sustaining us, the whole time. God you are faithful and just. You will never leave us nor forsake us. Lord, your abundance flows, overflowing in full measure.

Father God, if it's your will, allow me to further my study in UK, in a good university and a good course. I ask that oh God, let the process to be smooth and may your will be done, your name be glorified. I commit all these things into your hand. God, you are in control of everything single thing in my life. I commit my life unto you.

I will do my best in everything because I can do all things through Christ who strengthened me. So Lord Jesus, thank you for being with me, I know I am fine and safe as long as you are in me. Father God, thank you for the power, the grace, the mercy, the blessings that you had richly blessed me evidently.

I am a nobody. Yet you used me for your glory. Oh God, all glory goes back to you. Thank you Jesus for your guidance in my life. Lord, let your will be done in my life.

In Jesus Christ name I pray,
Amen