Stressed up

Within a span of a few months, I am expected to:

- Have a close group of friends in a new environment

- Be established in a new church

- Have a stable life partner

- Be a fully professional person, with separate professional and personal life, blossoming in each area. 

I know I will go through depression very soon.

I can't really complain about this because everyone goes through it. If I do make a big fuss about it, I am attracting attention only, which is not ideal. Can't I just complain for once and let it all out? It felt better. I want someone to tell me that it is ok to be lonely. It is ok to have no one. It is ok to have no friends. It is ok to be scared. This society makes me want to choke myself to the point of death, figuratively.

I am stuck in UK whilst my friends are blossoming back in Malaysia.

I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to feel. 

Bitterness

I have bitterness issue. This bitterness has become a considerable emotional burden. I need to be more mature. But I don't have the EQ or the capacity to do so. The goal is not to remove bitterness, but how to deal with it. I think I know the source of my bitterness:

- A Hong Kong student who likes to show off
Sure, nobody is perfect. But something about him just pissed me off and annoy the shit out of me. But then again, I think this is caused by my own pride as well. I want to be the only chinese guy in the worship team. I want to be the only chinese guy in the young adults group.  I don't want another competitor. This is petty and frankly stupid. I will face a lot of this kind of person in my life in the future. Better to know how to handle it now, maturely, than to affect my family members and children later on, In the midst of this, I know I can trust God. His burden is light.
I'll try not to be affected and wish the best for him. After all, he is God's beloved child and I am not suppose to see myself higher than him. I shall wish everyone the best and not put any hurtful comments, although they hated me. I shall wish my enemy well although they slap me. This is the heart of Christ which I want to imitate.

Remove negativity

I think I need to identify the sources of my negative feelings:

- Family issues. Parents quarrelling. Like father like son. I think I’ll end of behaving like my dad in terms of treating close family members like shit.
- Lack of a person to really relate to during work.
- church issues and some Hong Kong members of the Fellowship. Being misjudged and exploited by the church members, patronised by old people who are trying to be relevant but in actual fact did nothing.
- the existence of young adults groups which I may inadvertently see as competition. I know this is petty but this is my human nature.
- How the hell am I suppose to lead alpha in Cantonese. I don’t want to reject the mandarin speakers either. If I lead, I bleed. If I don’t, feel like a fucker who abandons the two other committee. The thing is the experienced members are gone.
- work place pressure. I may not get a job in the end.
- The fear of rejection by flatmate.
- Not sure how to reconnect with people who I really wanted to catch up with without being weird or awkward. Basically I don’t have the excuse

People who currently stress me out:
- A Hong Kong guy who likes to show off and berates other. If I wasn’t the president of the Fellowship I wouldn’t care but I’m affected by his actions and words. His very existence just annoys me. If I let him serve, he’ll probably not commit. If I don’t, he’ll 呱呱叫。I need God’s supernatural wisdom to make my EQ higher.
- A church pastor who patronises people for his own gains ie church politics. I need to recognise that whether or not his intention is pure, I hope people will recognise God’s grace through these courses.

Steps to deal with these:
- Don’t think about family issues. Think how much I can love them despite all our flaws instead.
- It’s ok to eat alone during lunch. Make sure join the Christian weekly meet up and perhaps frisbee if possible?
- Don’t think myself to highly. Let people hit my left cheek after being hit on the right. Beat each other in love, and long suffering. Lead by example.
- In fact since it’s now a pastorate, it’s better to merge together, then I don’t have to do anything !
- Tell the advisor and my fellow members and the pastor how I feel. If they disregard, hold firm and say no.
- Make sure feel like stopping an orgasm. Don’t be attached but also be attached.
- don’t be attached to flat mate and expect nothing out of him
- don’t have to catch up. Life is like that.

Principle or Feelings?

The truth is, people will believe and convinced more on how they feel and what they see, rather than on principles and right/wrong conscience. That is why it is easy to trick people. That is also why following the correct principles is not popular at all. Because most of the time, doing the right thing (following principles) does not feel good.

For example, a mother loves her child. That's why she disciplined her child by scolding him when he did an inappropriate action. This is a correct action by the mother and this follows the principle of disciplining the child strictly for his own good. However, this does not feels good for the mother or the child as the mother is (at that moment of disciplining the child) is frustrated and the child is sad. In the end, in the long run, this will bring good result for the child as the child learnt not to do the inappropriate action.

Turn things around, for example, a grandmother gave the child a lot of sweets. The grandmother is not following principles of disciplining the child on food intake. This is not a correct action. However, this feels good for the grandmother and the child. In the end, in the long run, this will bring bad results for the child as the child might have sugar high all the time.

So, is it better to be the mother or the grandmother?

In life, some people did the right things, but was condemned by many as this does not feels good. Other people did the wrong things, but was praised by many as this feels good.

For me personally, I'm more of an introvert than a very sociable person. Hence, I don't really get along easily with people of all types. It's all ok for me until the day I had to step up to be a leader. But any leader, but the leader of a Christian group. Now, the thing about Christian groups is that its not bound by rules like in corporate associations. Hence, no disciplinary actions may be taken in Christian groups. Thus, the leaders of Christian group has to assert himself/herself via social means, instead of legal procedures. Since the leader of Christian group is not backed by legal rules, his/her power and authority essentially lies on the convincing skills. If the Christian group leader could not convince people to do things the correct way, then he/she de facto has no authority at all. If the Christian group leader could not make everyone happy, then he/she will make enemies and he/she will not have the backing of legal procedures/consequences.

I'm stressed. When I look at people who are just shit, I can't scold them. Because there's no legal framework for anything in Christian groups. It's all voluntary. Since I don't have the best convincing skills, I'm not fit to become a leader of a Christian group. But since there's nobody else stepping up, I'm trapped. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.  

I Have Nobody to Talk To

I have nobody to talk to
Hence, I've been talking to my stuff animal

Yes, my life is sad
But I guess this will prevent me from being too needy and wanting people to hear me out

I've told the stuff animal almost everything
The stuff animal is
a) good listener
b) Non-judgmental
c) Discreet and keeps secret

Hence, I think it's not a bad option

Why are you still so immature

It’s 2018
I’m 23 this year
Yet, I’m still a child
Still can’t think like an adult
I have no idea how to be one
Always getting into trouble due to my lack of wisdom, composure and maturity

I’m tired
Don’t want to do this anymore
Being forced to do shits

Mindset

You want what you don't want
You don't want what you want

You don't expect anything
Have the lowest expectation
Prepare for worst case scenario

Focus only on the good memory
Focus only on the good, bright side
Ignore the bad side

Life is just made up of memories
Make the good out of every bad

Be ignorant, then you'll be happy