I Have Nobody to Talk To

I have nobody to talk to
Hence, I've been talking to my stuff animal

Yes, my life is sad
But I guess this will prevent me from being too needy and wanting people to hear me out

I've told the stuff animal almost everything
The stuff animal is
a) good listener
b) Non-judgmental
c) Discreet and keeps secret

Hence, I think it's not a bad option

Why are you still so immature

It’s 2018
I’m 23 this year
Yet, I’m still a child
Still can’t think like an adult
I have no idea how to be one
Always getting into trouble due to my lack of wisdom, composure and maturity

I’m tired
Don’t want to do this anymore
Being forced to do shits

Mindset

You want what you don't want
You don't want what you want

You don't expect anything
Have the lowest expectation
Prepare for worst case scenario

Focus only on the good memory
Focus only on the good, bright side
Ignore the bad side

Life is just made up of memories
Make the good out of every bad

Be ignorant, then you'll be happy

Humans are selfish

The more I know about humans, the more I love my dog

Humans are naturally selfish - probably an evolutionary trait

Nobody will be responsible for you. You're responsible for your own happiness.
They will use you, manipulate you for their own gain. They will only be close to you for their own benefits.

The more I grow up, the more I learnt not to trust anyone. It's kinda sad.

Can't wait for the next f up

The burden of weekend expectations and annual leave

Confession time:
I'm a workaholic
I don't have friends

Hence, when people ask me what I do for the weekend, I stressed out.
This is because I usually have nothing to do.

People usually have fun things to do, like hiking, hanging out with friends etc.. great social life

For me, I don't really have much to do

Hence, they'll stare at me as if there's something wrong with me.

In actual fact I just like to stay at home

In fact, I hated everything about annual leave, especially when you don't have friends to travel to the place you really wanted to go

It's a waste of money to travel just for the sake of it. And I can't just stay at home, people sure will ask why the heck will I do that

Sad life

This is what introversion gets you

It's not the most comfortable thing to do to talk to everyone
I just wish there's a place where it's perfectly normal to be alone and looked down upon

People who tell others what to do

Yes I'm proud
I don't listen to what others have to say
I don't like being told what to do

But, that doesn't hide or condemn the fact that I'm actually annoyed by people telling me what to do, as if their life is better, as if I should be more like them, as I should think like them because as according to them my thinking sucks

As if I haven't try improving myself
As if I haven't make efforts to change myself
As if it's very easy

What really pisses me off is that they claim I'm not kind enough and therefore I'm a Christian and not a hypocrite. Apparently my pessimistic attitude is not Christ-like.

I don't mind if you say I'm proud. But from your perspective, you only start going to church for the past 1 month, and now you act like you're a teacher, a mentor for a person who went to church his whole life and is involved with a number of ministry. I won't say my spiritual maturity is good but it's at least better than yours. You're still feeding on milk. That's the burden. I need act mature even if the inner me wanted to explode and curse the shit out of you.

I think:"Ey Hello, different people have different personality ok?? Nobody is 100% correct, and nobody is 100% wrong. Just because I'm pessimistic doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Just because you're optimistic doesn't mean its a good thing. It's all about personality ok? If you say you want  me to change my personality because you 'cared' for me, then I'll say I rather you be just a listening ear to understand where I'm coming from rather than judging and accusing me straight away, in the name of concern. To be honest, being a listening ear is more helpful than giving unsolicited advice. I don't have to prove myself to you to show that I've changed. No, I'm not perfect. But I'm not making any efforts to improve my weakness. I just learn to be aware of it and minimize the effect of it on other people. Obviously I don't say I'm changing to everyone because that will just give me unnecessary pressure "

Ok, so you're starting everything a fresh anew, that's great for you. So now you're making great initiatives to be out of your comfort zone, that's great! good for you. But what bothers me is that now you're telling me I'm not doing ok because I'm stuck at my comfort zone and I should get out more, just like you. Eh! Hello! Do you think I haven't try it ah?

You're just trying to justify your actions and your thinking, and now you're trying to impose your thinking on me, condemning my act of being comfortable. So all people who stayed in their comfort zone are shitty lah? So all people who make efforts to be out of their comfort zone are saints lah?

In my own perspective, you're just trying to redeem yourself because for the past few years you're one of the most introverted and detached people I've seen. To hide your true motivation and make it less obvious regarding your initiatives, you try to make everyone else thinks the same way as you do. It's perfectly fine that you're getting out of your comfort zone, in fact I'm happy for you. But now you're telling me that I'm a bad and crooked person because I'm staying in mine - that really bothers me. Who are you to tell me how to think? It's really none of your business if I go all out socializing or just stay in my room being an introvert. The way you judge me saying what should be right and what should be wrong regarding how I live my life really bothers me. I can't really stand you to be honest.
I don't mind if you tell the whole world that I'm prideful and I don't listen to advice. But, be sure to ask yourself, my life isn't your business. Whether I change or not or whether I'm happy or not is really none of your business. I can stay the way I am or gradually change in God's guidance. That's really up to Him.

Please, reserve your 'concern' for yourself. It's not working at all. If you're really concerned about me, you won't be judging. Instead, you'll be a listening ear and try to understand where I'm coming from. I usually help people that way by listening to them and not giving them judgmental advices. However, since you're just you, I don't expect much for you to do that.

Haih, the more I think about it, the more I'm pissed off. Just mind your own business lah.

Think about it, there will be more people like him in my life in the future. I just need to listen and take what's worth from their "concern". If deep down I know I really need to change I will, if not, then no action plan. I don't mind if they say I'm not a good Christian or whatsoever.

I shouldn't be bothered by you actually.

Regards
A prideful guy

40 Days in Home Town : Day 2

Woke up at 3pm
Still going through the books in the common area, managed to sort out the books in the shelf
Put the books to sell online using "imsold" app
Went to church cell group, managed to see people whom I didn't see for 3 years, it was nice

Nothing much happened today