The burden of weekend expectations and annual leave

Confession time:
I'm a workaholic
I don't have friends

Hence, when people ask me what I do for the weekend, I stressed out.
This is because I usually have nothing to do.

People usually have fun things to do, like hiking, hanging out with friends etc.. great social life

For me, I don't really have much to do

Hence, they'll stare at me as if there's something wrong with me.

In actual fact I just like to stay at home

In fact, I hated everything about annual leave, especially when you don't have friends to travel to the place you really wanted to go

It's a waste of money to travel just for the sake of it. And I can't just stay at home, people sure will ask why the heck will I do that

Sad life

This is what introversion gets you

It's not the most comfortable thing to do to talk to everyone
I just wish there's a place where it's perfectly normal to be alone and looked down upon

People who tell others what to do

Yes I'm proud
I don't listen to what others have to say
I don't like being told what to do

But, that doesn't hide or condemn the fact that I'm actually annoyed by people telling me what to do, as if their life is better, as if I should be more like them, as I should think like them because as according to them my thinking sucks

As if I haven't try improving myself
As if I haven't make efforts to change myself
As if it's very easy

What really pisses me off is that they claim I'm not kind enough and therefore I'm a Christian and not a hypocrite. Apparently my pessimistic attitude is not Christ-like.

I don't mind if you say I'm proud. But from your perspective, you only start going to church for the past 1 month, and now you act like you're a teacher, a mentor for a person who went to church his whole life and is involved with a number of ministry. I won't say my spiritual maturity is good but it's at least better than yours. You're still feeding on milk. That's the burden. I need act mature even if the inner me wanted to explode and curse the shit out of you.

I think:"Ey Hello, different people have different personality ok?? Nobody is 100% correct, and nobody is 100% wrong. Just because I'm pessimistic doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Just because you're optimistic doesn't mean its a good thing. It's all about personality ok? If you say you want  me to change my personality because you 'cared' for me, then I'll say I rather you be just a listening ear to understand where I'm coming from rather than judging and accusing me straight away, in the name of concern. To be honest, being a listening ear is more helpful than giving unsolicited advice. I don't have to prove myself to you to show that I've changed. No, I'm not perfect. But I'm not making any efforts to improve my weakness. I just learn to be aware of it and minimize the effect of it on other people. Obviously I don't say I'm changing to everyone because that will just give me unnecessary pressure "

Ok, so you're starting everything a fresh anew, that's great for you. So now you're making great initiatives to be out of your comfort zone, that's great! good for you. But what bothers me is that now you're telling me I'm not doing ok because I'm stuck at my comfort zone and I should get out more, just like you. Eh! Hello! Do you think I haven't try it ah?

You're just trying to justify your actions and your thinking, and now you're trying to impose your thinking on me, condemning my act of being comfortable. So all people who stayed in their comfort zone are shitty lah? So all people who make efforts to be out of their comfort zone are saints lah?

In my own perspective, you're just trying to redeem yourself because for the past few years you're one of the most introverted and detached people I've seen. To hide your true motivation and make it less obvious regarding your initiatives, you try to make everyone else thinks the same way as you do. It's perfectly fine that you're getting out of your comfort zone, in fact I'm happy for you. But now you're telling me that I'm a bad and crooked person because I'm staying in mine - that really bothers me. Who are you to tell me how to think? It's really none of your business if I go all out socializing or just stay in my room being an introvert. The way you judge me saying what should be right and what should be wrong regarding how I live my life really bothers me. I can't really stand you to be honest.
I don't mind if you tell the whole world that I'm prideful and I don't listen to advice. But, be sure to ask yourself, my life isn't your business. Whether I change or not or whether I'm happy or not is really none of your business. I can stay the way I am or gradually change in God's guidance. That's really up to Him.

Please, reserve your 'concern' for yourself. It's not working at all. If you're really concerned about me, you won't be judging. Instead, you'll be a listening ear and try to understand where I'm coming from. I usually help people that way by listening to them and not giving them judgmental advices. However, since you're just you, I don't expect much for you to do that.

Haih, the more I think about it, the more I'm pissed off. Just mind your own business lah.

Think about it, there will be more people like him in my life in the future. I just need to listen and take what's worth from their "concern". If deep down I know I really need to change I will, if not, then no action plan. I don't mind if they say I'm not a good Christian or whatsoever.

I shouldn't be bothered by you actually.

Regards
A prideful guy

40 Days in Home Town : Day 2

Woke up at 3pm
Still going through the books in the common area, managed to sort out the books in the shelf
Put the books to sell online using "imsold" app
Went to church cell group, managed to see people whom I didn't see for 3 years, it was nice

Nothing much happened today

40 Days in Hometown : Day 1

Woke up at 4pm due to jet lag, slept at 6am this morning.
Went to eat seafood
Sorted out my souvenirs for parents and sisters
Bought slippers and condensed milk for myself
Sorted out sister's graduation pictures
Worked out the Christian fellowship's members commitment of serving in the worship team. Not a great response to be honest but that is actually expected.

Basically not being anything useful actually.

Things I'm worried for the upcoming academic year

1. The dreaded third year
It's no shame to admit that I'm a coward. I am scared of mechanical engineering 3rd year. My friend failed his third year, and other two were struggling. So yeah, all aboard the fear train

2. Chinese Christian fellowship Commitments
I'm not a hong kong student. I don't fit in at all. The only reason I join (and not best reason at all) is because a friend and another friend's invitation, which I felt wanted and needed lol. And now I need to plan their rota lol. I'm a good musician, but that doesn't mean I'm a good coordinator. I hate coordinating people as my social skills sucks.

3. Friends
Entering to third year after placement year had made me 1 year delayed as compared to others. I'll probably sit alone and eat alone and die alone

4. Relationships
The pressure is on, and to be honest I would not want to. Sometimes I just don't want to care about it as I know I'm not ready yet

5. Work
Will the company send me the sponsorship letter as agreed? Will the company be nice? Does the restructures affect my employment? so many concerns

6. Personality problem
I got a huge personality problem. It would be unfair to blame genetics as I need to take responsibilities. However, since there's an element of genetics, I need to restraint and control myself all the time. Sometimes I don't know the line between being nice and being fake. To be honest, I don't want to know. I know I will explode someday. Just sad to see the face of disappointments. I screwed up so many times, and I think the scars or not healing, and I think I will get more and more scars along the way.

So what

You will screw up anyway
You will repeat the same mistake anyway
You will face the same situation as you dad anyway
So why bother avoiding it or pretending not to have it

So what if you screw up
So what if you repeat the same mistake
So what if you faced the same situation as your dad

The one thing which you can only do, and you should do, is to move on
Move on
Easier said than done, but it's important

Look towards the future
Learn from the past
Even if it's too late to amend some things, you still look forward
Even if you know you're going to screw things up and learning lessons when it's too late, you still look forward, as if nothing has happened

Mirror

A note to self

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you see,
I saw a huge monster,
Staring straight back at me.

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you see,
The man hid the creature,
That came from soul within.

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you think,
The man did not answer,
To calls of letting free.

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you think,
Please restrain exposure,
Else we all feel hurting.

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you know,
Hiding makes life harder,
But to whom could I show?

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you know,
Plow towards the future,
Ponder what life bestowed.