40 Days in Hometown : Day 1

Woke up at 4pm due to jet lag, slept at 6am this morning.
Went to eat seafood
Sorted out my souvenirs for parents and sisters
Bought slippers and condensed milk for myself
Sorted out sister's graduation pictures
Worked out the Christian fellowship's members commitment of serving in the worship team. Not a great response to be honest but that is actually expected.

Basically not being anything useful actually.

Things I'm worried for the upcoming academic year

1. The dreaded third year
It's no shame to admit that I'm a coward. I am scared of mechanical engineering 3rd year. My friend failed his third year, and other two were struggling. So yeah, all aboard the fear train

2. Chinese Christian fellowship Commitments
I'm not a hong kong student. I don't fit in at all. The only reason I join (and not best reason at all) is because a friend and another friend's invitation, which I felt wanted and needed lol. And now I need to plan their rota lol. I'm a good musician, but that doesn't mean I'm a good coordinator. I hate coordinating people as my social skills sucks.

3. Friends
Entering to third year after placement year had made me 1 year delayed as compared to others. I'll probably sit alone and eat alone and die alone

4. Relationships
The pressure is on, and to be honest I would not want to. Sometimes I just don't want to care about it as I know I'm not ready yet

5. Work
Will the company send me the sponsorship letter as agreed? Will the company be nice? Does the restructures affect my employment? so many concerns

6. Personality problem
I got a huge personality problem. It would be unfair to blame genetics as I need to take responsibilities. However, since there's an element of genetics, I need to restraint and control myself all the time. Sometimes I don't know the line between being nice and being fake. To be honest, I don't want to know. I know I will explode someday. Just sad to see the face of disappointments. I screwed up so many times, and I think the scars or not healing, and I think I will get more and more scars along the way.

So what

You will screw up anyway
You will repeat the same mistake anyway
You will face the same situation as you dad anyway
So why bother avoiding it or pretending not to have it

So what if you screw up
So what if you repeat the same mistake
So what if you faced the same situation as your dad

The one thing which you can only do, and you should do, is to move on
Move on
Easier said than done, but it's important

Look towards the future
Learn from the past
Even if it's too late to amend some things, you still look forward
Even if you know you're going to screw things up and learning lessons when it's too late, you still look forward, as if nothing has happened

Mirror

A note to self

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you see,
I saw a huge monster,
Staring straight back at me.

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you see,
The man hid the creature,
That came from soul within.

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you think,
The man did not answer,
To calls of letting free.

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you think,
Please restrain exposure,
Else we all feel hurting.

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you know,
Hiding makes life harder,
But to whom could I show?

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you know,
Plow towards the future,
Ponder what life bestowed.

Emo quote of the day

有很多事情，我用長時間，
終於才領悟了。

可是領悟後，已經太遲了。
因無再次機會。

後悔與無奈，恨己也無助。
等待再次愚笨。

Translation:
There are many things, I used a very long time,
before I finally understand

But after the revelation, it's too late
Because there are no more chances

Regrets and out of ideas, no point in hating myself.
Just waiting for the next idiocy

Spontaneous Thoughts on my current life stage

I think a lot.
Is it healthy?
I don't know
Is it unhealthy?
I don't know

I can't wait for my placement to end

At first,
It was a luxury
"Can have it, but not necessary"
I worked my ass off to secure the placement. Man, at last, I got it, Thank God!

Was it a bad decision? After all,
It made me felt the pain
It made me felt the loneliness
It made me felt the hopelessness
It made me felt the depression
It made me felt the stress
It made me felt my weaknesses like never before
It made me felt the constant mind screwing
It made me felt uncertain about my future
It made me question the world
It made me question my existence

Yet, I am more than thankful for the opportunity
I didn't realize I needed it
I needed the break
I needed the breath of fresh air
I needed the space
I needed the exposure
I needed the new connections
I needed the growth
I needed the maturity, albeit a small little step
I needed the understanding
I needed the strength
I needed the new perspective
I needed the confidence
I needed the freedom

Most of all, I am being shown again, God is present
God is there
God is faithful
He is looking out for me, like a shepherd.

So, I'm hope my placement never end. I thank God for the experience, for all the sweet and bitter.
Sweet - It made me happy
Bitter - It made me grow, no matter how small the steps are, I still grow

Thoughts Today

I'm not doing anything useful lol

What am I doing in my life

How I wish I could kill all expectations, live my life without the social standards 

That way I could know people in their true form 

Enjoying the company 

Yet, he pissed me off. I don't mind being called sensitive, maybe I am

What the heck dude 

We've changed

I've changed, so do you 

We went back to being strangers

How I wish I can don't give a shit anymore

Yet, due to social norms, I still need to 

Still, you pissed me off.

Because of you, now I will try my best to be a better a person, to treat everyone with good hospitality. Because I know the feeling of not being given one.

She pissed me off as well. Because of her, now I will try my best to use common sense, not to judge people based on categorisation. Because of her, I will try my best to be discrete about spreading information. Because of her, I will do my best to keep everyone's secrets. 

But above all, I pissed them off as well. What an ending. What can I do? What if I screwed up? The world will not stop if I screw up. Everyone screws up. The point is not whether you screw up, is how you respond to it, because eventually you will screw up

How I wish I don't have to use my EQ, because I know I lack of it. I put higher emphasis on technical stuff, guess I have a talent for it. But for relationships, I suck, real bad.

Because of what happpend, now I really appreciate anonymity. I hated a close knit community. Yes they do care for you. Yet they know everything about you, and will likely talk behind your back. Worse off, they'll spread the information. Now I understand why my dad is pissed off when my mum keep talking about others. My mum accused of my dad being insensitive and played the victim role. Rightly so, she's not 100% wrong, but also not 100% correct. 

Nobody will understand you. Nobody will give a single shit of how you feel.

I think I'm just like my dad, destined? No matter how much I try, I'll wind up be like him. But still, I still try my best to keep the conscience effort to be sane. 

I don't feel like giving shits anymore. 

In an ideal situation, I would have met someone in an unexpected peaceful miracle, who is mature, kind, reserved, smart. 

Yet, life is not perfect

This won't happen, unless a miracle happen

I hate social conventions

I hate  shipping each other 

To be honest, the more you ship, the more it won't happen. Even if it did happen, it'll not be a happy ending 

I cried, but no tears

If I could ignore the definitions of boyfriend/girlfriend

If I could ignore the social expectations 

If I could know a person without the input of others 

I just want to tell the person how I felt about her

I just want to be honest

I don't want to live just to fulfill the unfulfilled expectations of the society

At this phase of my life, I love being anonymous 

But that would never happen

That's why I really love "Garden of Words", guess I could relate to the movie very well. 

To be honest I just don't feel like giving shits anymore

 

My ideal girlfriend (which would probably not happening):

The one who is kind hearted

The one who is smart 

The one who is mature to understand 

The one who is reserved, discretion practiced throughout 

The one I would like to spend my time with, enjoying each other's company

The one who knows the bible better than I do, and encourage me to walk closer to God

The one who understand why I'm doing things that particular way

The one whom only I understand where's she's coming from 

The one whom, above all, loves God

The one whom I would say to myself that she's the one

The one that I felt peace in my heart

The one that I don't have to be fake

The one that I don't feel socially restricted by norms 

I would not trade anything for her 

The one whom reminded me theee are still good things happening in the world 

The one whom I can share secrets with , without contempt 

If I ever stumble upon you, I would be the happiest man 

So, where does God comes into this picture, in the midst of my rants?

I don't know, but one thing is for sure, he's always there.