Emo quote of the day

有很多事情，我用長時間，
終於才領悟了。

可是領悟後，已經太遲了。
因無再次機會。

後悔與無奈，恨己也無助。
等待再次愚笨。

Translation:
There are many things, I used a very long time,
before I finally understand

But after the revelation, it's too late
Because there are no more chances

Regrets and out of ideas, no point in hating myself.
Just waiting for the next idiocy

Spontaneous Thoughts on my current life stage

I think a lot.
Is it healthy?
I don't know
Is it unhealthy?
I don't know

I can't wait for my placement to end

At first,
It was a luxury
"Can have it, but not necessary"
I worked my ass off to secure the placement. Man, at last, I got it, Thank God!

Was it a bad decision? After all,
It made me felt the pain
It made me felt the loneliness
It made me felt the hopelessness
It made me felt the depression
It made me felt the stress
It made me felt my weaknesses like never before
It made me felt the constant mind screwing
It made me felt uncertain about my future
It made me question the world
It made me question my existence

Yet, I am more than thankful for the opportunity
I didn't realize I needed it
I needed the break
I needed the breath of fresh air
I needed the space
I needed the exposure
I needed the new connections
I needed the growth
I needed the maturity, albeit a small little step
I needed the understanding
I needed the strength
I needed the new perspective
I needed the confidence
I needed the freedom

Most of all, I am being shown again, God is present
God is there
God is faithful
He is looking out for me, like a shepherd.

So, I'm hope my placement never end. I thank God for the experience, for all the sweet and bitter.
Sweet - It made me happy
Bitter - It made me grow, no matter how small the steps are, I still grow

Thoughts Today

I'm not doing anything useful lol

What am I doing in my life

How I wish I could kill all expectations, live my life without the social standards 

That way I could know people in their true form 

Enjoying the company 

Yet, he pissed me off. I don't mind being called sensitive, maybe I am

What the heck dude 

We've changed

I've changed, so do you 

We went back to being strangers

How I wish I can don't give a shit anymore

Yet, due to social norms, I still need to 

Still, you pissed me off.

Because of you, now I will try my best to be a better a person, to treat everyone with good hospitality. Because I know the feeling of not being given one.

She pissed me off as well. Because of her, now I will try my best to use common sense, not to judge people based on categorisation. Because of her, I will try my best to be discrete about spreading information. Because of her, I will do my best to keep everyone's secrets. 

But above all, I pissed them off as well. What an ending. What can I do? What if I screwed up? The world will not stop if I screw up. Everyone screws up. The point is not whether you screw up, is how you respond to it, because eventually you will screw up

How I wish I don't have to use my EQ, because I know I lack of it. I put higher emphasis on technical stuff, guess I have a talent for it. But for relationships, I suck, real bad.

Because of what happpend, now I really appreciate anonymity. I hated a close knit community. Yes they do care for you. Yet they know everything about you, and will likely talk behind your back. Worse off, they'll spread the information. Now I understand why my dad is pissed off when my mum keep talking about others. My mum accused of my dad being insensitive and played the victim role. Rightly so, she's not 100% wrong, but also not 100% correct. 

Nobody will understand you. Nobody will give a single shit of how you feel.

I think I'm just like my dad, destined? No matter how much I try, I'll wind up be like him. But still, I still try my best to keep the conscience effort to be sane. 

I don't feel like giving shits anymore. 

In an ideal situation, I would have met someone in an unexpected peaceful miracle, who is mature, kind, reserved, smart. 

Yet, life is not perfect

This won't happen, unless a miracle happen

I hate social conventions

I hate  shipping each other 

To be honest, the more you ship, the more it won't happen. Even if it did happen, it'll not be a happy ending 

I cried, but no tears

If I could ignore the definitions of boyfriend/girlfriend

If I could ignore the social expectations 

If I could know a person without the input of others 

I just want to tell the person how I felt about her

I just want to be honest

I don't want to live just to fulfill the unfulfilled expectations of the society

At this phase of my life, I love being anonymous 

But that would never happen

That's why I really love "Garden of Words", guess I could relate to the movie very well. 

To be honest I just don't feel like giving shits anymore

 

My ideal girlfriend (which would probably not happening):

The one who is kind hearted

The one who is smart 

The one who is mature to understand 

The one who is reserved, discretion practiced throughout 

The one I would like to spend my time with, enjoying each other's company

The one who knows the bible better than I do, and encourage me to walk closer to God

The one who understand why I'm doing things that particular way

The one whom only I understand where's she's coming from 

The one whom, above all, loves God

The one whom I would say to myself that she's the one

The one that I felt peace in my heart

The one that I don't have to be fake

The one that I don't feel socially restricted by norms 

I would not trade anything for her 

The one whom reminded me theee are still good things happening in the world 

The one whom I can share secrets with , without contempt 

If I ever stumble upon you, I would be the happiest man 

So, where does God comes into this picture, in the midst of my rants?

I don't know, but one thing is for sure, he's always there. 

A Silent Voice (Koe No Katachi)

I just finished watching the movie "A Silent Voice" a.k.a Koe No Katachi in Japanese title. It's a great anime movie I must say, and surprisingly deep as well. One might reckon that the movie is catered specifically for high school teenagers, but it's actually not. Adults can enjoy the movie as well as the movie addressed several universal themes/issues in life. Guilt, depression, redemption are all part and parcels of life, This movie touched upon these themes in a natural yet serious way. The summary of the movie revolves around a high school boy who seeks redemption for the past bullying acts he had done towards a deaf girl back in elementary school.

Depression
The boy is depressed because of his guilt, and his unhealthy social life. The girl was also depressed, due to her disability. But she kept on a façade of smiles, only to be faded when the reality hits hard. The reality is that everyone will go through depression at various points of life at various severity. The fact is that it is how we face depression that matters. When the boy and girl are having self-esteem issues, they turned to self-harm method of releasing the steam, which is unhealthy. But sadly this is what's happening throughout the world, a fact that we could not ignore.

Disability
The girl is deaf, and rely on hearing aids on everyday basis. Unsurprisingly, the girl is also having trouble pronouncing words. The disability has caused trouble and inconvenience in elementary school for both characters. In the manga, the inconveniences are explored deeper as the girl is bringing trouble to everyone around her, which she understands too well. The movie shed light on the world perspective of hearing impaired people, sympathizing with their situation in a very positive way.

Suicide
Both the boy and girl have thoughts of suicide due to their past guilt. The boy attempted suicide by jumping off a bridge, only to be saved by the reunion of him and the girl. The girl attempted suicide by jumping off a building, only to be saved by the boy who arrived just in time. The movie explores the fact that suicide doesn't solve anything, as it will only bring grief to everyone else. In the boy's case, the mother scolded him for being selfish as once he committed suicide, the mother will be left alone and broken. The girl's reason of attempted suicide was to end the boy's suffering, or so she thought. The girl reckon that she's the one who caused the boy to be ostracized, twice. She also came to conclusion that the boy will never be happy as long as they're together. She ponder upon the situation where the boy's life will be way happier if she hadn't appear in his life in the first place. It may seem her suicidal thoughts are quite ridiculous, but this is the reality of the society.

Loneliness
The boy shut himself from the outside world, hence the loneliness he faced in school. As a result, he is ostracized, also partly due to his ex-best friends' actions. The movie hinted on the fact that friendship is the cure to loneliness, and opening up oneself to others is the first step. The girl is definitely the loneliest in school, having to deal with hearing disability which hindered her normal learning process.

Redemption
The world will not end if we did something wrong. What we ought to do is to redeem our past failures, not looking back. So what if we screwed up? We should look forward, and continue our lives, learning lessons along the way. So what if we screwed up again? It's okay because that's how good lessons are learnt. The boy goes above and beyond in his redemption acts, bringing everyone together for the girl. The main drive for his redemption is his guilt, which might not be the best reason but that's the usual case for everyone.

Forgiveness
I think this is the most heart-warming part of the movie, as the girl forgave the boy for bullying her in the past. The boy's friends forgave him for his actions as well. The boy also forgave everyone. Near the end of the movie, there's a scene where the boy finally opened up himself to the rest of the world, realizing that he had forgave everyone and vice versa. He decided to listen to everyone's voice, and to speak up as well. I think the movie has a very good way of reaching out to everyone upon the fact that forgiveness can be the best thing in life.

Overall, I really do recommend this movie to all the people I know. Although a fair bit of warning, I would like to advice everyone to watch the movie first before reading the manga. I did the opposite, and was underwhelmed when I first saw the movie as I inevitably compared the movie with the manga (the movie missed out a lot of plot and character development as compared to the manga). However, the movie on it's own, it's a masterpiece.

Not looking forward for summer

I don't know lah, ever since 2014, I never look forward for summer season. It's contrary to anything, it's contrary to what the world believes in, or at least what the advertisement/marketing team wants you to believe "Summer is all fun, sun, beach!"

Every summer, I managed to screw things up.
I feel lonely, depressed like shit, as well as bored to death.
This is probably due to my workaholic nature, I couldn't find meaning in life once my work is done.

And I don't want to spend $$$ to go outside play play, need to save $$$ man

Now it's the summer season, I don't look forward for anything lol
I just love winter, the cold, the layer of clothings which conceals what's dark beneath.

Forced positivity

What I'm feeling:
Loneliness, it struck me
I put on a fake smile everyday, thinking everything is fine. Hoping people will see I'm living the good life.
By the way I'm a living a life physically where many people dream of: not worrrying about food and money, studying in UK, travelling etc
I'm actual fact, emotionally, I'm battered. It's the best and worst time of my life thus far. There's an emptiness, a void, a hole in my heart.
I understand that Holy Spirit could fill that void, but then again psychologically, I'm not balanced. I'm in the border of depression.
The void only grew bigger and bigger; what used to satisfy me no longer do so. What used to excite me no longer do so.

What I should do
Look at the positive side! Choose to remember the good stuff! Everything is going to be ok! Clear skies after rain! All these are temporal! Appreciate what you have!!!! Be thankful!

What I actually did
I allowed negative emotions a foot hole, why? Because that how I'm being hones with myself, not lying to myself about how I actually felt. Every night, I ponder upon things , things I should be doing, but I didn't. Every night, I thought about how much I actually have back in first and second year, which I don't have now. I'm afraid that what I have in third year now willl be taken away sooner or later. Sad, but hey that's how life works. Day by day, we grow stronger through the pain, in the end, what matters is the character that we cultivated

Australasia according to Malaysians