How Far I've gone

One year ago today, if I told myself that I'll be looking forward for the end of placement, I would not believe it.
One year ago today, if I told myself that  ______________________, I would not believe it
1. I'm living the dream in Aberdeen
2. I'm working with professionals in confidence
3. I can do more and less some small talk

The point is, I need to be grateful at where I am now, all thanks to God. It's all an unexpected peaceful miracle.
Last year, I had a slimmest hope of getting into placement. I applied for 20+ jobs, only Atkins came back, and thank God!
Since I did not deserve it, what more can I do other than to give my best and be thankful everyday.
Same with God's salvation, since we do not deserve to be alive and saved, what more can we do than to give God praise and live your life for Jesus Christ.

Lord, really, Lord, help me to put my trust in you, because I know with my own strength, I can't.
Lord, help me to do my best, and let you do the rest, and may your peace be with me.

So now, today, I have a slight depression apparently. I went online for some self diagnosis and apparently I'm categorized with mild depression. It's probably due to loneliness and lack of social interaction.

In this phase of depression, I seek for human warmth, and hence explain the increase of desperation of looking for "the one". Yet, the more I think of it, the more I reckon I'm not suitable or worth it. First of all, I know deep down I'm a selfish guy. Secondly, my personality mirrors my dad's. Growing up, witnessing how Dad's words and actions can be abusive, volatile, and hurtful; I think I'll be just like him after I'm married, hurting everybody. That's why I'm thinking that I'm never ready for any relationship, because of who I am. It's a wound that I need to resolve. I know people don't change in their core, it's the maturity in controlling oneself that changes over time.

I'm tired. I don't think I could provide the emotional need if I really got into a relationship. I took it as my fate ? Since I'm thinking like this, I should never feel jealous whenever I see happy cute couples walking around or the fact that somebody has someone to belong. Even if I feel jealous, I need to suppress it.

Watching Makoto Shinkai's anime films meme

Not Ready

As much as I wanted a girlfriend, I need to reflect upon myself, on what's the motive behind these desperations, and am I really ready?

The short answer is: No, I'm not ready, and my motives are not clear.

First of all, at this phase of my life, I encountered severe loneliness, probably due to the fact that I'm alone most of the time.
Wanting a partner due to loneliness is not the best reason. In fact, I should not look for a partner based only on the need for companionship

Secondly, no I'm not ready. Emotionally, I'm volatile, just like my dad. I'm just like my parents. So, every time I see my parents quarrel, I wonder if I'll end up like them in the future, pondering if I'm worth having a wife, as I will not be able to handle her delicate heart.

So, how do you cure loneliness?
Honestly, I don't know. But this is part and parcel of life
I need to learn how to feel ok when I'm alone
I watched movies, travelled, read books etc.
Anything to fill up my time

Watched 3 Makoto Shinkai's Film

Today I decided to watch 3 Makoto Shinkai's film consecutively.

• 5 Centimeter per second (2007)
• Garden of Words (2013)
• Your Name (2016)

It's the best way to feel poignant sadness, watching Makoto's films. I'm such a smart ass haha, already in the phase of my life where I'm constantly alone, I decided to add the sadness by watching these movies.

Overall, these movies' theme is about longing and separation. It's a realistic depiction of what "love" is, and how it usually ended up separation by time and space. After watching these movies, I feel sad, and depressed.

5 Centimeter per second (2007) taught me about the importance to let go of the past infatuation, stop thinking/hoping about the ideal girlfriend or the ideal outcome. As always, ideal expectation sure will disappoint. I also learn to try to appreciate the present, the people in my present life, and try to get the best out of it. In the end, it's the memories that matters. It's how I remember that matters. Even though if other people think my situation is an ordeal, as long as I remember it positively, that'll do. That's why ignorance is bliss, it's like not knowing you're in a shit hole, and being happy about it, because you didn't realise you're in a shit hole. This film also reminded me about my past infatuations with a lot of girls, and to forget about the idealized version of them in my mind, because I reckon crushes will probably not work. A great film that touches our heart, and taught us that although looking back can be sweet, looking forward at the present might be the best.

Garden of Words gave me a feeling of longing for a companion, not necessary a romantic one, but someone who can just enjoy each other's company. If social convention have no dictation, I wonder whom can I enjoy my companionship with, might be someone unexpected. Well, if only a place where there's no social conformity actually exist. I can actually relate to this film very well because in this phase of my life, I'm pretty much alone, not knowing if this will last a lifetime. I always joke to myself that I will die a virgin, lol. I can really relate to the character, Yukino, who basically lives on her own, having no friends, and rather stressed about life, which is crumbling around her. It was in this film that I realized my problem is a bit similar to the character: not revealing to others what important. I've been living my life a lie so far, not telling other people how I really felt about things. It will be hard to admit my loneliness to others, because having no friends and no weekend plans and no hangouts is rather embarrassing haha. This film is a tribute to the people who are currently in the state of loneliness, and that being loneliness is not a 100% bad thing, but it's not 100% ok. What it really meant to me is to acknowledge my loneliness, not be embarrassed by it, but embrace it as part of the process of growing up and maturing in time.

Your Name, when I first watched it, it overwhelms me with emotions, the longing emotion of searching for someone who can really fill the void. Now, I've watched the film for like the 20th time. I began to realise the plot holes haha. Anyway, enough of nitpicking. This film made me nostalgic of any infatuations feelings I have for any girl, or fi there's a girl destined for us to be together. It made me wonder if there's someone out there. But then again, in reality, you're the one who is suppose to make the initiative to meet people. It's like looking for something that could fill up the loneliness and emptiness in my heart. I just love this film so much, made me very emotional. In the midst of hectic schedule, one does ponder if there's a great connection with a special person can exist. At least this film positive ending, unlike the other two, which were more melancholic.

I'm at this stage of my life

Right now, at this phase of my life, I'm on work placement. I earn money, I live in a nice apartment (for now). I can literally do whatever I want. I am well off financially (relatively)

Yet,

I'm still empty. I feel like my life is rather meaningless now. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing, only social and work pressure.

I need Jesus

Other people go back to their house from work got family, kids, girlfriend, friends etc

Me? I go back home from work, only to be alone and lonely again. No friends, no, nothing.

I remember vividly, 10 years ago, I yearn to listen to Jay Chou songs, unlimited.
I remember vividly, 10 years ago, I yearn to grow long hair.

Now, I sien already, I can listen to every jay chou song anytime, but I sien
Now, I sien of my long hair, because need to maintain, Hair gel etc

Right now, I yearn for a partner lol, but that's only because I'm lonely
Someday, I will sien of my wife and kids, someday
Sad

It's funny, it's like my life is getting better and worse at the same time.
Good - I actually can work at my own pace, listen to any music I want during work. And I come back to a nice apartment, a nice meal, and I can watch any movie I want. Freedom
Bad - In Social life, it's deteriorating. I screwed up. Lonely and sad. But who can I admit it to?  I don't have close friends at work. At most are only acquaintances. Everyday, I'm afraid to socialize. I just want to be alone, which made me feel comfortable

Someday I'll miss my placement. I need to enjoy it. I don't know how but I need to.

God's work in You

In response to the previous post "Roast yourself", I think it'll be appropriate to say something positive. Yes God mentioned not to praise yourself clearly, stated in proverbs 27:2. I reckon there's nothing wrong in giving God all the praise, knowing that I couldn't achieve these without God's help and favour. God had blessed me richly, it's not who I am, but who God is. Since I got this underserved love, there's nothing I can do but to be thankful and give him praise, doing my best in everything.
Again I'll be referring to myself as Cat Cat

Yo Cat Cat
Yes although you're a jerk and asshole
You actually genuinely care for the reputation of yourself, maybe too much
You're dedicated to your duty, maybe too dedicated, and hence alienating everyone else
But you're actually a funny guy, taking jokes and giving jokes like nobody's business
Although you may never find the plus one now, but you will be the luckiest man alive if there's one coming
You're responsible, and able to perform your tasks well, as according to almost everyone
Because of your sense of duty, you have a strong determination and opinion in the ways things should be done, hence getting yourself into conflicts and drama
You're loyal to your supervisors, maybe too loyal. Hence you need to be careful
God loves you, and hence he gave lots of blessings
He gave you a rather stoic mind, to grind up results in difficult situation
He gave you knowledge
He gave you unexpected peaceful miracles
At least you tried your best to redeem yourself in the situations that you screwed up, better than doing nothing
You should know better to be able to admit your weakness
Because admitting weaknesses can be an unexpected strength
To some, you're a role model
How and Why? You probably will never know
Please keep yourself humble by reminding yourself that there's always someone better than you
You're just lucky, or blessed in a more Godly term
Although you screwed up, you still survive, albeit in awkwardness

That's all I could think of.

Roast Yourself

I might change my mind, but this is actually how I felt about myself. The society dictates that it's wrong to hate yourself, but to love yourself. Guess it's a good thinking, but to deny the fact that we can't be honest with ourselves with self-reflection, that's just wrong. I reckon it's important to have a space to let this off the chest, if not this will explode. People around me said I'm rather negative, I admit, Yes I'm rather negative. But being positive all the time, ignoring the pain and regrets might only exist in a unicorn world.
I'll be calling myself cat cat.

Yo, Cat Cat.

You think you very awesome meh?

You're such a fake person.

You don't deserve a friend.

None

You keep screwing up every friend that you ever had, every community you ever been are being screwed by you.

You are the source of all your problem.

It's all your fault.

So what if you're smart?

So what if you are the best employee?

So what if you're the top student?

Your social skills are shit anyway.

You can't blame your parents

Because they loved you very much

You can only blame yourself, wrecking up every situation

Banging into walls, taking up unnecessary shits that you've created.

Good friends turned into strangers

They used to look up to you

Until they know the real you, without the façade, without the perfection image

They got disappointed at you

Your image is gone, deteriorated.

You can't be mad, because that's who you are

Being rejected, being gossiped upon

Who would accept you

You prideful shit

You don't deserve anything good (actually a bit la haha)

Correction, you don't deserve to have a good friend, because you're a shitty friend

Selfish

Small gas

Volatile

No stability

Who do you think you are

You can't work with anyone, you're alone

The best thing for you to do is actually stay alone

Don't let people know the real you

Keep a distance to everyone

Keep a façade, hold it as long as you can

Until one day you exploded

Nobody will care

If you complain, people say you're a whinny little bitch

If you keep it to yourself, people say you're too complicated

Nothing you can do to amend the situation that you had brought yourself into

I can't recognize you anymore Cat Cat

What happened to you man

You despise everyone, thinking you're above them

You see your dad, you see yourself

There's a scar that keep scorching up

You are afraid, insecure

You are afraid to repeat the mistakes that your father made

You are afraid to hurt others like your father did

You know someday you gonna do it, because when you see your dad, you saw yourself

No, your dad is a great guy, in fact, the best in intellectual and technical stuff

Just that his emotional side got a bit wrecked, that's all

But you, realizing your problem, but couldn't do anything to stop the course of your personality

How hopeless it is

You tried too hard to impress everyone

In the end, you yourself got super tired

Tired of everyone

Tired of meeting people

You have nobody to blame but yourself

Learn to forgive others and yourself

But I know you couldn't do it without God's help

You just want to go to your own ways in life

But truthfully your life now is a time bomb, waiting to explode

It's a two sided life

It's the best times of your life as well as the worst so far

You learnt your lesson, but it's always too late

They hate you now, They keep gossiping about you now, there's nothing you can do to explain yourself, nobody will bother to listen to your rants anyway, they think it's an excuse

They love to tell you what to do because they care for you, Picking up every fault in your life and overlooking any good stuff, that's society

What are you going to do about it? Nothing

Why are you so dumb,

taking up shits that you could have avoided

But then again, God's grace is enough, no matter how wretched I think (or actually) I am. Guess the only way to respond/react to this is to look forward, learn my lesson, and try to make the right choice. And also pray.