Why are you so worried?
I choose to stay back in UK this summer. For the first time in my life I am doing what I choose to do, hence bearing the consequences. In the past, it was my parents' or situation that forced me into something. Eg: AFS-YES, playing organ, studying without tuition, going to UK to study....etc
Why did you choose to stay back in UK for summer instead of going back to Malaysia? You know your whole family is there.
To be really honest, I don't feel at home at Sandakan, Malaysia. I can't believe I am saying this but in Sandakan, I don't have friends or freedom or movement (to be exactly correct). I don't have a car. In my past experiences, I'm traumatized in living with quarrelsome parents: An emotionally volatile father and a "I don't care and I will tell all the stuff that we quarreled to everyone else" mother. Nevertheless, I love my parents very much. Yet, there are no perfect parents so I will have to live with it. There are no prefect children and they have to live with it as well. I am thankful to God for such an awesome parents! :)
Spending summer in Malaysia, I will have nothing to do. I will stay in house 24/6. Relying on parents for transport (haha). And on Sunday, I feel particularly stressed, I don't know why. As my dad is a pastor, I feel very pressured. I will have to put up a fake smile and very tiring-lah in summary. I know, but church is very important. I would like to praise God for sending me to church and grow.
Spending summer in UK is not better off either. I will also have nothing to do. Just that I will have extra freedom of movement if I want to travel.
Any other valid reasons not to go back to Malaysia during summer?
No valid reasons. Only childish and immature ones.
I can think of one: My sister is graduating and will be soon heading to work. This is a transition period and I am pretty sure this will involve time, money and energy. I will try not to add to that burden. Besides, if I stay in UK for summer, chances are I will be using my scholarship's money instead of my parents' money.
So, what you gonna do in UK for summer? What have you been doing?
Nothing. Nothing,
Why don't you get a job? Everyone else is at least doing something.
I've tried to apply. So far, all failed or no reply. Sad. Even the ones that I thought is easy. Championslifeacademy, serving food in London, serving food in Woking, University administering job. Yup my friends are having internship..etc. Something that sounds so professional. Me leh, I'm rotting in UK doing nothing. I don't know but they say getting a job is easy, but for me , it's not. I hate the situation when everyone around me gets the thing that I craved so much so easily. I hate the situation where I am expected to achieve something, just like everyone else. I love the situation where I am the only guy who achieved it (sounds pathetic haha). But I know I shouldn't compare.
It will be a total miracle if I am to work in the summer. Total miracle.
I suck in getting a job. All my life I didn't have any experience in working. I only know studying and studying. My confidence sank in job hunting.
Why can't you just be more open and tell everyone your intention for summer?
I have a habit of keeping everything secret. I would like to be an underdog, who strikes when nobody expects.
Honestly I don't know if it is God's will for me to be in UK for the summer. If it is, I know he will provide. Sometimes God provides what I need, instead of what I want. So now my prayer is that what I need will be what I want, and what I want is what I need, that is Jesus. In God's hand, no matter how bad the situation is, I know I'm still ok.
God will open doors, but I will have to pass it myself. And thank God for opening doors. By grace, through faith. The problem is that now I'm banging on a lot of closed doors, (which hurts haha).
You are spending more money here in UK than in Malaysia. What do you think?
Sad loh, What to do , I stupid mah.
Inference?
It's ok for me not to do anything while all my friends are doing something useful over the summer. Sometimes I think that the more I want it, the more I won't get it. So, I don't want to get a job in UK, UK sucks.
Your conclusion?
I have to accept the fact that I'm a loser. In the event where I am seen as a winner, I will give all glory and praises to God for everything is from him and for him. God, help me to trust in you instead of my own strengths. I know that you are great and awesome, there is no one like you. And you will be praised forever and ever. You brought me out of miry clay, into your glory, to praise your name. Oh Lord our God your ways are higher. I will never understand. I'm like a 2D painting trying to understand the 3D real world. Amen.
Friday, 12 June 2015
Tuesday, 2 June 2015
Things in the past
Sometimes in the middle of the night, I screamed out loud. I just can't seem to get past the past. The mistakes and the guilt, the shame took a huge grip on me, almost like a burden. I just can't face them. Because of it, I'm more careful. I am more careful to lead a perfect life, which is utterly impossible. God is in me, he cleanse me from within.
2015: I watch porn and masturbate. Some say it's healthy but spiritually it's deadly because I lust for fleshy things. It will all go back to dust when they die and rot.
2014: I broke people's doors
2013: Regrets over some friends in USA
2012: Failed at band competitions.
2010: Get into unnecessary trouble with the disciplinary teacher. Infatuations.
2009 and 2008: What am I doing? Principal's son got into a lot of unwanted attention and trouble.
I'm pretty sure they will be more for 2015, 2016, 2017 ...etc. Haiz. God, thank you for loving me even though I'm pretty much a failure.
Friday, 22 May 2015
Past guilt and shame
Jesus delivered me, praise God. But this is a very clear picture. Once in a while, the pain will grip me, for the wrongs that I've done, the things that I've missed due to my stupid mistakes
Thursday, 14 May 2015
How I feel before writing up a CV
I need something to do this summer.
Yesterday in my Uni summer employment fair, there's a booth where they wanna hire team members for a restaurant. I dunno what to think.
Now i am planning to email them my CV. I feel so nervous. I dunno what to think. Is this the One? An I suitable? WHAT if I not suitable?
So much things to worry.
I am afraid of people. I can't advertise myself well. I have no confidence. Haiz
I love doing resume than CV. CV can bullshit all the way. Resume can't. Somehow the employers in UK more focused on what you said about yourself, not the qualifications actually. It's all about how I can convince them that I'm good. Hence, public speaking and persuasion skills are very crucial. Thus, many people who talk-only-but-do-nothing, they get the jobs. Those who are suitable but just not so excellent in selling themselves, they won't get the job
Yesterday in my Uni summer employment fair, there's a booth where they wanna hire team members for a restaurant. I dunno what to think.
Now i am planning to email them my CV. I feel so nervous. I dunno what to think. Is this the One? An I suitable? WHAT if I not suitable?
So much things to worry.
I am afraid of people. I can't advertise myself well. I have no confidence. Haiz
I love doing resume than CV. CV can bullshit all the way. Resume can't. Somehow the employers in UK more focused on what you said about yourself, not the qualifications actually. It's all about how I can convince them that I'm good. Hence, public speaking and persuasion skills are very crucial. Thus, many people who talk-only-but-do-nothing, they get the jobs. Those who are suitable but just not so excellent in selling themselves, they won't get the job
Friday, 8 May 2015
Stereotypes of a Malaysian Chinese
I'm a Malaysian currently studying in the UK. As an ethnic chinese student, I faced a lot stereotypes.
Here are some common stereotypes I faced as a Malaysian Chinese in UK:
1. My English is very bad
2. I am a communist supporter
3. I am an atheist.
4. I am rude, loud and ignorant of others
5. I'm super rich and arrogant due to the fact that I have lots of money
6. I'm here to stay in the UK illegally.
7. I'm from China, definitely.
This is my point of view:
I am a 4th generation chinese in Malaysia. My great-grandparents migrated from China to British North Borneo (modern day Sabah of Malaysia) during the 1920's due to political unrest in China. Decades passed by and my grandparents are granted Malaysian citizenship after the independence of Sabah, forming the federation of Malaysia in the 1960's. Decades later, I was born in the 90's. Hence, China is of no relation to me (other than the fact that I'm an ethnic Chinese and Chinese originated from China). I am a Malaysian. Malaysia is my home country and I will identify myself as a Malaysian, not Chinese.
Generally, Malaysian Chinese are quite different from Chinese from China. If you are generalising all chinese in the same category, it is same like categorising all European in the same stereotype. (Genrally, an Englishman would not love to be identified as an Ukrainian, would he). Due to decades of assimilation into the Malaysian culture, I actually can not relate to the Chinese of China, Even our languages are quite mutually unintelligible.
Answering to the common stereotypes as above:
1. Generally, Malaysian Chinese have a good English language background. It will be quite offensive for a Brit to say to a Malaysian chinese " Do you understand what I'm talking? Shall I go slower? I know, it's hard for Chinese to converse entirely in English." We learn English since our kindy years, I read my bible in English, all my school subjects are taught in English except some other languages class. I speak to my friends in English. So, depends on your definition, my first language is actually English. However, due to the fact that Malaysia is a multicultural country, most Malaysian Chinese can speak other languages as well. For me, I can speak Cantonese, Hakka, Mandarin, Malay, English, and a little bit of Hokkien. I speak Cantonese with my family members, Hakka with my extended family, Malay with my Malay friends, Mandarin with the school friends, English with my church members, Hokkien with my cousins (a little bit).
2. No, I don't support communism. In fact, I think democratic nations are the best.
3. I am a Christian. Just because my face is Asian doesn't mean that I'm from China with no religion at all. Sometimes I find it quite funny that people in UK assume that I don't have any knowledge about religions at all, just by judging my face. "Oh, you from China? Wow Christianity and Church must be something strange to you! Wanna know more about Jesus? Come to our evangelical courses! Don't worry, we have Chinese translations for you" If I'm really from China Mainland, I'll probably be more than happy to continue this conversation. But since I'm from Malaysia and I've been a Christian my whole life, I think this questions might be a little bit offensive (I don't need chinese translations, thank you). But, it is very encouraging to see that the churches in UK are doing their part in bringing more China Chinese to Christ. However, I don't blame anyone due to the fact that we can't tell the difference between a China Chinese and a Malaysian Chinese based on the facial looks alone.
4. Recently, due to the economic boom of China, many Chinese from China became use their new found wealth to travel around the world. Chinese tourists have a bad reputation because in some cases, they are known to be very loud, arrogant, dirty, inconsiderate, and some even urinate at the public subway. In extreme cases, they abuse the tourist service providers and carve their names on some historical monuments, like the ones in Egypt. Because of bad reputation of tourists from China, we as a Malaysian Chinese with an Asian face tends to be stereotyped that way as well. No, Malaysian Chinese (and other oversea chinese such as Singaporean and Canadian) are quite well mannered. We know the rules and we will not break it (there's no benefits of breaking a UK law anyway)
5. I'm poor. I'm always on budget because I'm on scholarship to study in the UK. Praise God for the scholarship! But I've witness the lifestyles of Hong Kongers and Mainland Chinese students whom I consider as "lavish".
6. No, I really want to obey the law. Even if I want to migrate to other countries, I will not enter illegally.
7. No, I'm from Malaysia. If you see any Asian faces and assume that they're from China even before striking a conversation, you will be offending Koreans, Japanese, Vietnamese, Thai, Malaysians, Singaporeans, Indonesians, Taiwanese, etc... and maybe some Aussies, Americans, British, Canadians and Kiwis. But I will not blame you as there are 1.3 billion humans in China and only 50 million ethnic chinese are born outside of China. (That's less than 5%)
Here are some common stereotypes I faced as a Malaysian Chinese in UK:
1. My English is very bad
2. I am a communist supporter
3. I am an atheist.
4. I am rude, loud and ignorant of others
5. I'm super rich and arrogant due to the fact that I have lots of money
6. I'm here to stay in the UK illegally.
7. I'm from China, definitely.
This is my point of view:
I am a 4th generation chinese in Malaysia. My great-grandparents migrated from China to British North Borneo (modern day Sabah of Malaysia) during the 1920's due to political unrest in China. Decades passed by and my grandparents are granted Malaysian citizenship after the independence of Sabah, forming the federation of Malaysia in the 1960's. Decades later, I was born in the 90's. Hence, China is of no relation to me (other than the fact that I'm an ethnic Chinese and Chinese originated from China). I am a Malaysian. Malaysia is my home country and I will identify myself as a Malaysian, not Chinese.
Generally, Malaysian Chinese are quite different from Chinese from China. If you are generalising all chinese in the same category, it is same like categorising all European in the same stereotype. (Genrally, an Englishman would not love to be identified as an Ukrainian, would he). Due to decades of assimilation into the Malaysian culture, I actually can not relate to the Chinese of China, Even our languages are quite mutually unintelligible.
Answering to the common stereotypes as above:
1. Generally, Malaysian Chinese have a good English language background. It will be quite offensive for a Brit to say to a Malaysian chinese " Do you understand what I'm talking? Shall I go slower? I know, it's hard for Chinese to converse entirely in English." We learn English since our kindy years, I read my bible in English, all my school subjects are taught in English except some other languages class. I speak to my friends in English. So, depends on your definition, my first language is actually English. However, due to the fact that Malaysia is a multicultural country, most Malaysian Chinese can speak other languages as well. For me, I can speak Cantonese, Hakka, Mandarin, Malay, English, and a little bit of Hokkien. I speak Cantonese with my family members, Hakka with my extended family, Malay with my Malay friends, Mandarin with the school friends, English with my church members, Hokkien with my cousins (a little bit).
2. No, I don't support communism. In fact, I think democratic nations are the best.
3. I am a Christian. Just because my face is Asian doesn't mean that I'm from China with no religion at all. Sometimes I find it quite funny that people in UK assume that I don't have any knowledge about religions at all, just by judging my face. "Oh, you from China? Wow Christianity and Church must be something strange to you! Wanna know more about Jesus? Come to our evangelical courses! Don't worry, we have Chinese translations for you" If I'm really from China Mainland, I'll probably be more than happy to continue this conversation. But since I'm from Malaysia and I've been a Christian my whole life, I think this questions might be a little bit offensive (I don't need chinese translations, thank you). But, it is very encouraging to see that the churches in UK are doing their part in bringing more China Chinese to Christ. However, I don't blame anyone due to the fact that we can't tell the difference between a China Chinese and a Malaysian Chinese based on the facial looks alone.
4. Recently, due to the economic boom of China, many Chinese from China became use their new found wealth to travel around the world. Chinese tourists have a bad reputation because in some cases, they are known to be very loud, arrogant, dirty, inconsiderate, and some even urinate at the public subway. In extreme cases, they abuse the tourist service providers and carve their names on some historical monuments, like the ones in Egypt. Because of bad reputation of tourists from China, we as a Malaysian Chinese with an Asian face tends to be stereotyped that way as well. No, Malaysian Chinese (and other oversea chinese such as Singaporean and Canadian) are quite well mannered. We know the rules and we will not break it (there's no benefits of breaking a UK law anyway)
5. I'm poor. I'm always on budget because I'm on scholarship to study in the UK. Praise God for the scholarship! But I've witness the lifestyles of Hong Kongers and Mainland Chinese students whom I consider as "lavish".
6. No, I really want to obey the law. Even if I want to migrate to other countries, I will not enter illegally.
7. No, I'm from Malaysia. If you see any Asian faces and assume that they're from China even before striking a conversation, you will be offending Koreans, Japanese, Vietnamese, Thai, Malaysians, Singaporeans, Indonesians, Taiwanese, etc... and maybe some Aussies, Americans, British, Canadians and Kiwis. But I will not blame you as there are 1.3 billion humans in China and only 50 million ethnic chinese are born outside of China. (That's less than 5%)
Monday, 16 March 2015
Worry about my country
(I might have to remove this post for the sensitivity of the issue in Malaysia)
I am increasingly concerned/worry about my beloved country, Malaysia
The government is using the colonial-era Sedition Act (1948) to shut off the opposition, arrest them and cut them off from the political scene. Such brazen act should not exist if Malaysia is keen to be a first-world country. This is an uncivilized act of insecurity and immaturity.
Can you imagine if Barack Obama put Romney into jail for Romney's criticism about USA government? That would have caused an uproar among the Americans.
Malaysia has a lot of potential to be the best country in the world, but not with the current government. Malaysia is becoming more and more authoritarian, like Russia. If this trend continue, I am sure that brain drain will be epidemic and the public dissatisfaction will explode.
Authoritarian/Totalitarian government will do more harm than good. Just look at the past/present dictators. The dictator and the cronies looted their own country. The dictator and the cronies lived a luxurious life while the citizen suffer poverty. To name a few: Ferdinand Marcos of Philippines, Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, Idi Amin Dada of Uganda, Pol Pot of Cambodia, etc.
Such hypocrisy existed in the Malaysian government should be exposed and amplified. Why would the police only arrest the opposition leaders for their remarks, but not the ruling party's leaders' racist comments? If you are one of the members of the ruling party, whatever seditious remarks or racist statement that you make, you are immune, If you are one of the members of the opposition parry, whatever you say you could be arrested for it.
I don't see any future for Malaysia, not with the current situation.
#PrayForMalaysia
I am increasingly concerned/worry about my beloved country, Malaysia
The government is using the colonial-era Sedition Act (1948) to shut off the opposition, arrest them and cut them off from the political scene. Such brazen act should not exist if Malaysia is keen to be a first-world country. This is an uncivilized act of insecurity and immaturity.
Can you imagine if Barack Obama put Romney into jail for Romney's criticism about USA government? That would have caused an uproar among the Americans.
Malaysia has a lot of potential to be the best country in the world, but not with the current government. Malaysia is becoming more and more authoritarian, like Russia. If this trend continue, I am sure that brain drain will be epidemic and the public dissatisfaction will explode.
Authoritarian/Totalitarian government will do more harm than good. Just look at the past/present dictators. The dictator and the cronies looted their own country. The dictator and the cronies lived a luxurious life while the citizen suffer poverty. To name a few: Ferdinand Marcos of Philippines, Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, Idi Amin Dada of Uganda, Pol Pot of Cambodia, etc.
Such hypocrisy existed in the Malaysian government should be exposed and amplified. Why would the police only arrest the opposition leaders for their remarks, but not the ruling party's leaders' racist comments? If you are one of the members of the ruling party, whatever seditious remarks or racist statement that you make, you are immune, If you are one of the members of the opposition parry, whatever you say you could be arrested for it.
I don't see any future for Malaysia, not with the current situation.
#PrayForMalaysia
Monday, 16 February 2015
How to identify different types of chinese
People with Chinese ethnicity are all around the world. This chart is a small representation of the much bigger picture.
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