I like her

I think I met the one I've been looking for? All the qualities I'm looking for in a spouse. She has it all.
Perfect fit, seems like it. Our parents knew each other. I know her family quite well (ish). Think we have the similar values of life.

But I know the sacrifice on both parts will be huge, if we ever happened to be together.

Knew her since 6 years ago. Did not really saw her as a potential spouse candidate for consideration until 3 months ago, when I get to know her more and more. Plus my friend who had a huge crush on her revealed lots of things about her which I did not really noticed. Many people say she is kind and sweet and pretty.

I knew I could not impress her. Not impressive enough to impress her. She can see through people. She can guess whatever I am thinking. But she is like a diamond. Yes, shiny and nice and all that, but also very hard to crack. I have no idea what she is thinking all the time. I could not decipher her. The mysterious air to it adds to the attraction.

It'll be a total miracle if she feels the same way about me. More importantly, if I am the one she is looking for and praying for as well. Then, the roller coaster ride begins. There will be no going back to the young and wild stallion way of life in independence. She does not have privacy in her life. I have all privacy I wanted in my life. Combining these both elements will be chaotic.

I can only pray.

Don't even know where to start if I were to pursue her.

I think I've lost her

I first met this lady in July 2016, when both of us attended the same church, at a new place where I worked as an intern for a whole year. We both did not get involved with any activities within the church, sat at the same row, but never talked to each other. Then, I went to another town for work in Feb - April 2017, and never saw her again when I came back. Then, just few weeks before I leave to go back to University in August 2017, I managed to get the courage to ask for her name, where she's from, where she studied, and what her job is. That's about it. It was a 30 second conversation. 

For two years between September 2017 - September 2019, I was in university, studying and doing my life as usual. I was not keenly attracted to anyone in church or fellowship, for some reasons. I totally forgot about her, if I'm honest. 

Fast forward, it was October 2019, I came back to the place of work where I was once an intern. I did not go back to the church, and decided to try another church, upon recommendation of a friend. All of these are unexpected. Anyhow, by random chance (or divine arrangement), I met the lady again. This time, we knew we need to get to know each other, and exchange phone numbers and what not. I knew I had a huge crush on her. I found myself unable to sleep for weeks, knowing that I will see her again on Sundays. I knew it was a miracle we met each other again because apparently after I left in August 2017, she went to another place for work for a whole year. Then, she moved to another city. Only recently, she decided to attend this particular church. There are so many factors that could prevent us meeting again but somehow we did. 

Anyway, we started texting, and I was so happy that both of us are taking the initiative to text each other. Then, after having a lunch meet up, the texting stopped. I did not really know why, probably because I ignored her as she was sick. Anyhow, there's another guy who worked in the same workplace as her and came to the church. I thought they liked each other so I actually stepped back and stop taking any interests in her. The three of us plus a few others went for bouldering, which she suggested. From this point onward, I noticed the red flags. I mean, everyone has red flags as nobody is perfect. Yet, it is important to identify them as to know how to tolerate each other. I found that she can be quite volatile and immature? And she would get really mad if nobody replies her message. I think any girls have the right to be mad but is it justified? I would expect her to be more mature as she is 2 years older but apparently not. I really don't want to have an objective view of her because that would put her down from my perfect perception of her. She then suggested having Karaoke, but then I did not reply in the group chat. I think she got mad after as she put on her Insta story saying that how hard will it be for people to reply. She then left the group chat she created, blocked me on Instagram and Facebook, and removed me from Whatsapp contacts. 

Taking a step back, I wondered what could I have done better? Did I just lost her for good? Is she worth it? Will she stop coming to church / change to another church because of me? I mean, I've already foresee this in my worst case scenario analysis. I really don't know. I've been praying for a good life partner for like a 7 years already? I really thought she could be the one. At this point, probably no. Will I be single forever? Actually I don't really mind but I will be jeered my whole life by friends and family. 

It's like Abraham sacrificing Isaac after God promised Abraham a son. I felt like I was in the same situation as Abraham. Giving it up after receiving it. I guess God has a better plan? I really wanted to help her. I know she has some mental health issues. I know she is strong hearted and a very career-focused person. Did I expect too much?

Wish I have been more mature to know what to say and what to do at the right time. 

I feel like sometimes God place some person in my life, which I actually squandered because I did not do anything about it. 

2019 - This aforementioned lady from church whom it was a miracle we met each other again

2017 - The Korean lady whom I met in a church in Malaysia during summer in which we started texting, before I discarded my Malaysian number and flew back to UK

- This Filipino lady whom I met in church in UK, met her parents and her church cell group. But then I never see her again after winter 2017. 

- This lady whom I met in cell group, who knew I was very lonely and she understands me inside out. Really wish to talk to her again to rekindle the friendship but I found no excuse to do so. 

2016 - A church member introduced her god daughter, in which I did nothing nor initiate anything to start any conversation / meet up

2014 - This lady whom I knew and people hinted that she was interested in me. She is a good Christian girl. But I knew I was going off to UK and hence I did not do anything. Long distance relationship is pointless, as far as I'm aware. I wish she will get a good Christian man soon as I know she deserves the best (not me, obviously). 

I knew I had to trust God at this point. I can't really do much but to make myself better, a good Christian man. Even if I end up single forever, I pray that I will be the best version of myself, in God's eyes. Everyone else may do it without God's help, but I want my relationship (if any) to be a testimony to God. 

Stressed up

Within a span of a few months, I am expected to:

- Have a close group of friends in a new environment

- Be established in a new church

- Have a stable life partner

- Be a fully professional person, with separate professional and personal life, blossoming in each area. 

I know I will go through depression very soon.

I can't really complain about this because everyone goes through it. If I do make a big fuss about it, I am attracting attention only, which is not ideal. Can't I just complain for once and let it all out? It felt better. I want someone to tell me that it is ok to be lonely. It is ok to have no one. It is ok to have no friends. It is ok to be scared. This society makes me want to choke myself to the point of death, figuratively.

I am stuck in UK whilst my friends are blossoming back in Malaysia.

I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to feel. 

Bitterness

I have bitterness issue. This bitterness has become a considerable emotional burden. I need to be more mature. But I don't have the EQ or the capacity to do so. The goal is not to remove bitterness, but how to deal with it. I think I know the source of my bitterness:

- A Hong Kong student who likes to show off
Sure, nobody is perfect. But something about him just pissed me off and annoy the shit out of me. But then again, I think this is caused by my own pride as well. I want to be the only chinese guy in the worship team. I want to be the only chinese guy in the young adults group.  I don't want another competitor. This is petty and frankly stupid. I will face a lot of this kind of person in my life in the future. Better to know how to handle it now, maturely, than to affect my family members and children later on, In the midst of this, I know I can trust God. His burden is light.
I'll try not to be affected and wish the best for him. After all, he is God's beloved child and I am not suppose to see myself higher than him. I shall wish everyone the best and not put any hurtful comments, although they hated me. I shall wish my enemy well although they slap me. This is the heart of Christ which I want to imitate.

Remove negativity

I think I need to identify the sources of my negative feelings:

- Family issues. Parents quarrelling. Like father like son. I think I’ll end of behaving like my dad in terms of treating close family members like shit.
- Lack of a person to really relate to during work.
- church issues and some Hong Kong members of the Fellowship. Being misjudged and exploited by the church members, patronised by old people who are trying to be relevant but in actual fact did nothing.
- the existence of young adults groups which I may inadvertently see as competition. I know this is petty but this is my human nature.
- How the hell am I suppose to lead alpha in Cantonese. I don’t want to reject the mandarin speakers either. If I lead, I bleed. If I don’t, feel like a fucker who abandons the two other committee. The thing is the experienced members are gone.
- work place pressure. I may not get a job in the end.
- The fear of rejection by flatmate.
- Not sure how to reconnect with people who I really wanted to catch up with without being weird or awkward. Basically I don’t have the excuse

People who currently stress me out:
- A Hong Kong guy who likes to show off and berates other. If I wasn’t the president of the Fellowship I wouldn’t care but I’m affected by his actions and words. His very existence just annoys me. If I let him serve, he’ll probably not commit. If I don’t, he’ll 呱呱叫。I need God’s supernatural wisdom to make my EQ higher.
- A church pastor who patronises people for his own gains ie church politics. I need to recognise that whether or not his intention is pure, I hope people will recognise God’s grace through these courses.

Steps to deal with these:
- Don’t think about family issues. Think how much I can love them despite all our flaws instead.
- It’s ok to eat alone during lunch. Make sure join the Christian weekly meet up and perhaps frisbee if possible?
- Don’t think myself to highly. Let people hit my left cheek after being hit on the right. Beat each other in love, and long suffering. Lead by example.
- In fact since it’s now a pastorate, it’s better to merge together, then I don’t have to do anything !
- Tell the advisor and my fellow members and the pastor how I feel. If they disregard, hold firm and say no.
- Make sure feel like stopping an orgasm. Don’t be attached but also be attached.
- don’t be attached to flat mate and expect nothing out of him
- don’t have to catch up. Life is like that.

Principle or Feelings?

The truth is, people will believe and convinced more on how they feel and what they see, rather than on principles and right/wrong conscience. That is why it is easy to trick people. That is also why following the correct principles is not popular at all. Because most of the time, doing the right thing (following principles) does not feel good.

For example, a mother loves her child. That's why she disciplined her child by scolding him when he did an inappropriate action. This is a correct action by the mother and this follows the principle of disciplining the child strictly for his own good. However, this does not feels good for the mother or the child as the mother is (at that moment of disciplining the child) is frustrated and the child is sad. In the end, in the long run, this will bring good result for the child as the child learnt not to do the inappropriate action.

Turn things around, for example, a grandmother gave the child a lot of sweets. The grandmother is not following principles of disciplining the child on food intake. This is not a correct action. However, this feels good for the grandmother and the child. In the end, in the long run, this will bring bad results for the child as the child might have sugar high all the time.

So, is it better to be the mother or the grandmother?

In life, some people did the right things, but was condemned by many as this does not feels good. Other people did the wrong things, but was praised by many as this feels good.

For me personally, I'm more of an introvert than a very sociable person. Hence, I don't really get along easily with people of all types. It's all ok for me until the day I had to step up to be a leader. But any leader, but the leader of a Christian group. Now, the thing about Christian groups is that its not bound by rules like in corporate associations. Hence, no disciplinary actions may be taken in Christian groups. Thus, the leaders of Christian group has to assert himself/herself via social means, instead of legal procedures. Since the leader of Christian group is not backed by legal rules, his/her power and authority essentially lies on the convincing skills. If the Christian group leader could not convince people to do things the correct way, then he/she de facto has no authority at all. If the Christian group leader could not make everyone happy, then he/she will make enemies and he/she will not have the backing of legal procedures/consequences.

I'm stressed. When I look at people who are just shit, I can't scold them. Because there's no legal framework for anything in Christian groups. It's all voluntary. Since I don't have the best convincing skills, I'm not fit to become a leader of a Christian group. But since there's nobody else stepping up, I'm trapped. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.  

I Have Nobody to Talk To

I have nobody to talk to
Hence, I've been talking to my stuff animal

Yes, my life is sad
But I guess this will prevent me from being too needy and wanting people to hear me out

I've told the stuff animal almost everything
The stuff animal is
a) good listener
b) Non-judgmental
c) Discreet and keeps secret

Hence, I think it's not a bad option

Why are you still so immature

It’s 2018
I’m 23 this year
Yet, I’m still a child
Still can’t think like an adult
I have no idea how to be one
Always getting into trouble due to my lack of wisdom, composure and maturity

I’m tired
Don’t want to do this anymore
Being forced to do shits

Mindset

You want what you don't want
You don't want what you want

You don't expect anything
Have the lowest expectation
Prepare for worst case scenario

Focus only on the good memory
Focus only on the good, bright side
Ignore the bad side

Life is just made up of memories
Make the good out of every bad

Be ignorant, then you'll be happy

Humans are selfish

The more I know about humans, the more I love my dog

Humans are naturally selfish - probably an evolutionary trait

Nobody will be responsible for you. You're responsible for your own happiness.
They will use you, manipulate you for their own gain. They will only be close to you for their own benefits.

The more I grow up, the more I learnt not to trust anyone. It's kinda sad.

Can't wait for the next f up

The burden of weekend expectations and annual leave

Confession time:
I'm a workaholic
I don't have friends

Hence, when people ask me what I do for the weekend, I stressed out.
This is because I usually have nothing to do.

People usually have fun things to do, like hiking, hanging out with friends etc.. great social life

For me, I don't really have much to do

Hence, they'll stare at me as if there's something wrong with me.

In actual fact I just like to stay at home

In fact, I hated everything about annual leave, especially when you don't have friends to travel to the place you really wanted to go

It's a waste of money to travel just for the sake of it. And I can't just stay at home, people sure will ask why the heck will I do that

Sad life

This is what introversion gets you

It's not the most comfortable thing to do to talk to everyone
I just wish there's a place where it's perfectly normal to be alone and looked down upon

People who tell others what to do

Yes I'm proud
I don't listen to what others have to say
I don't like being told what to do

But, that doesn't hide or condemn the fact that I'm actually annoyed by people telling me what to do, as if their life is better, as if I should be more like them, as I should think like them because as according to them my thinking sucks

As if I haven't try improving myself
As if I haven't make efforts to change myself
As if it's very easy

What really pisses me off is that they claim I'm not kind enough and therefore I'm a Christian and not a hypocrite. Apparently my pessimistic attitude is not Christ-like.

I don't mind if you say I'm proud. But from your perspective, you only start going to church for the past 1 month, and now you act like you're a teacher, a mentor for a person who went to church his whole life and is involved with a number of ministry. I won't say my spiritual maturity is good but it's at least better than yours. You're still feeding on milk. That's the burden. I need act mature even if the inner me wanted to explode and curse the shit out of you.

I think:"Ey Hello, different people have different personality ok?? Nobody is 100% correct, and nobody is 100% wrong. Just because I'm pessimistic doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Just because you're optimistic doesn't mean its a good thing. It's all about personality ok? If you say you want  me to change my personality because you 'cared' for me, then I'll say I rather you be just a listening ear to understand where I'm coming from rather than judging and accusing me straight away, in the name of concern. To be honest, being a listening ear is more helpful than giving unsolicited advice. I don't have to prove myself to you to show that I've changed. No, I'm not perfect. But I'm not making any efforts to improve my weakness. I just learn to be aware of it and minimize the effect of it on other people. Obviously I don't say I'm changing to everyone because that will just give me unnecessary pressure "

Ok, so you're starting everything a fresh anew, that's great for you. So now you're making great initiatives to be out of your comfort zone, that's great! good for you. But what bothers me is that now you're telling me I'm not doing ok because I'm stuck at my comfort zone and I should get out more, just like you. Eh! Hello! Do you think I haven't try it ah?

You're just trying to justify your actions and your thinking, and now you're trying to impose your thinking on me, condemning my act of being comfortable. So all people who stayed in their comfort zone are shitty lah? So all people who make efforts to be out of their comfort zone are saints lah?

In my own perspective, you're just trying to redeem yourself because for the past few years you're one of the most introverted and detached people I've seen. To hide your true motivation and make it less obvious regarding your initiatives, you try to make everyone else thinks the same way as you do. It's perfectly fine that you're getting out of your comfort zone, in fact I'm happy for you. But now you're telling me that I'm a bad and crooked person because I'm staying in mine - that really bothers me. Who are you to tell me how to think? It's really none of your business if I go all out socializing or just stay in my room being an introvert. The way you judge me saying what should be right and what should be wrong regarding how I live my life really bothers me. I can't really stand you to be honest.
I don't mind if you tell the whole world that I'm prideful and I don't listen to advice. But, be sure to ask yourself, my life isn't your business. Whether I change or not or whether I'm happy or not is really none of your business. I can stay the way I am or gradually change in God's guidance. That's really up to Him.

Please, reserve your 'concern' for yourself. It's not working at all. If you're really concerned about me, you won't be judging. Instead, you'll be a listening ear and try to understand where I'm coming from. I usually help people that way by listening to them and not giving them judgmental advices. However, since you're just you, I don't expect much for you to do that.

Haih, the more I think about it, the more I'm pissed off. Just mind your own business lah.

Think about it, there will be more people like him in my life in the future. I just need to listen and take what's worth from their "concern". If deep down I know I really need to change I will, if not, then no action plan. I don't mind if they say I'm not a good Christian or whatsoever.

I shouldn't be bothered by you actually.

Regards
A prideful guy

40 Days in Home Town : Day 2

Woke up at 3pm
Still going through the books in the common area, managed to sort out the books in the shelf
Put the books to sell online using "imsold" app
Went to church cell group, managed to see people whom I didn't see for 3 years, it was nice

Nothing much happened today

40 Days in Hometown : Day 1

Woke up at 4pm due to jet lag, slept at 6am this morning.
Went to eat seafood
Sorted out my souvenirs for parents and sisters
Bought slippers and condensed milk for myself
Sorted out sister's graduation pictures
Worked out the Christian fellowship's members commitment of serving in the worship team. Not a great response to be honest but that is actually expected.

Basically not being anything useful actually.

Things I'm worried for the upcoming academic year

1. The dreaded third year
It's no shame to admit that I'm a coward. I am scared of mechanical engineering 3rd year. My friend failed his third year, and other two were struggling. So yeah, all aboard the fear train

2. Chinese Christian fellowship Commitments
I'm not a hong kong student. I don't fit in at all. The only reason I join (and not best reason at all) is because a friend and another friend's invitation, which I felt wanted and needed lol. And now I need to plan their rota lol. I'm a good musician, but that doesn't mean I'm a good coordinator. I hate coordinating people as my social skills sucks.

3. Friends
Entering to third year after placement year had made me 1 year delayed as compared to others. I'll probably sit alone and eat alone and die alone

4. Relationships
The pressure is on, and to be honest I would not want to. Sometimes I just don't want to care about it as I know I'm not ready yet

5. Work
Will the company send me the sponsorship letter as agreed? Will the company be nice? Does the restructures affect my employment? so many concerns

6. Personality problem
I got a huge personality problem. It would be unfair to blame genetics as I need to take responsibilities. However, since there's an element of genetics, I need to restraint and control myself all the time. Sometimes I don't know the line between being nice and being fake. To be honest, I don't want to know. I know I will explode someday. Just sad to see the face of disappointments. I screwed up so many times, and I think the scars or not healing, and I think I will get more and more scars along the way.

So what

You will screw up anyway
You will repeat the same mistake anyway
You will face the same situation as you dad anyway
So why bother avoiding it or pretending not to have it

So what if you screw up
So what if you repeat the same mistake
So what if you faced the same situation as your dad

The one thing which you can only do, and you should do, is to move on
Move on
Easier said than done, but it's important

Look towards the future
Learn from the past
Even if it's too late to amend some things, you still look forward
Even if you know you're going to screw things up and learning lessons when it's too late, you still look forward, as if nothing has happened

Mirror

A note to self

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you see,
I saw a huge monster,
Staring straight back at me.

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you see,
The man hid the creature,
That came from soul within.

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you think,
The man did not answer,
To calls of letting free.

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you think,
Please restrain exposure,
Else we all feel hurting.

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you know,
Hiding makes life harder,
But to whom could I show?

Look into the mirror,
And tell me what you know,
Plow towards the future,
Ponder what life bestowed.

Emo quote of the day

有很多事情，我用長時間，
終於才領悟了。

可是領悟後，已經太遲了。
因無再次機會。

後悔與無奈，恨己也無助。
等待再次愚笨。

Translation:
There are many things, I used a very long time,
before I finally understand

But after the revelation, it's too late
Because there are no more chances

Regrets and out of ideas, no point in hating myself.
Just waiting for the next idiocy

Spontaneous Thoughts on my current life stage

I think a lot.
Is it healthy?
I don't know
Is it unhealthy?
I don't know

I can't wait for my placement to end

At first,
It was a luxury
"Can have it, but not necessary"
I worked my ass off to secure the placement. Man, at last, I got it, Thank God!

Was it a bad decision? After all,
It made me felt the pain
It made me felt the loneliness
It made me felt the hopelessness
It made me felt the depression
It made me felt the stress
It made me felt my weaknesses like never before
It made me felt the constant mind screwing
It made me felt uncertain about my future
It made me question the world
It made me question my existence

Yet, I am more than thankful for the opportunity
I didn't realize I needed it
I needed the break
I needed the breath of fresh air
I needed the space
I needed the exposure
I needed the new connections
I needed the growth
I needed the maturity, albeit a small little step
I needed the understanding
I needed the strength
I needed the new perspective
I needed the confidence
I needed the freedom

Most of all, I am being shown again, God is present
God is there
God is faithful
He is looking out for me, like a shepherd.

So, I'm hope my placement never end. I thank God for the experience, for all the sweet and bitter.
Sweet - It made me happy
Bitter - It made me grow, no matter how small the steps are, I still grow

Thoughts Today

I'm not doing anything useful lol

What am I doing in my life

How I wish I could kill all expectations, live my life without the social standards 

That way I could know people in their true form 

Enjoying the company 

Yet, he pissed me off. I don't mind being called sensitive, maybe I am

What the heck dude 

We've changed

I've changed, so do you 

We went back to being strangers

How I wish I can don't give a shit anymore

Yet, due to social norms, I still need to 

Still, you pissed me off.

Because of you, now I will try my best to be a better a person, to treat everyone with good hospitality. Because I know the feeling of not being given one.

She pissed me off as well. Because of her, now I will try my best to use common sense, not to judge people based on categorisation. Because of her, I will try my best to be discrete about spreading information. Because of her, I will do my best to keep everyone's secrets. 

But above all, I pissed them off as well. What an ending. What can I do? What if I screwed up? The world will not stop if I screw up. Everyone screws up. The point is not whether you screw up, is how you respond to it, because eventually you will screw up

How I wish I don't have to use my EQ, because I know I lack of it. I put higher emphasis on technical stuff, guess I have a talent for it. But for relationships, I suck, real bad.

Because of what happpend, now I really appreciate anonymity. I hated a close knit community. Yes they do care for you. Yet they know everything about you, and will likely talk behind your back. Worse off, they'll spread the information. Now I understand why my dad is pissed off when my mum keep talking about others. My mum accused of my dad being insensitive and played the victim role. Rightly so, she's not 100% wrong, but also not 100% correct. 

Nobody will understand you. Nobody will give a single shit of how you feel.

I think I'm just like my dad, destined? No matter how much I try, I'll wind up be like him. But still, I still try my best to keep the conscience effort to be sane. 

I don't feel like giving shits anymore. 

In an ideal situation, I would have met someone in an unexpected peaceful miracle, who is mature, kind, reserved, smart. 

Yet, life is not perfect

This won't happen, unless a miracle happen

I hate social conventions

I hate  shipping each other 

To be honest, the more you ship, the more it won't happen. Even if it did happen, it'll not be a happy ending 

I cried, but no tears

If I could ignore the definitions of boyfriend/girlfriend

If I could ignore the social expectations 

If I could know a person without the input of others 

I just want to tell the person how I felt about her

I just want to be honest

I don't want to live just to fulfill the unfulfilled expectations of the society

At this phase of my life, I love being anonymous 

But that would never happen

That's why I really love "Garden of Words", guess I could relate to the movie very well. 

To be honest I just don't feel like giving shits anymore

 

My ideal girlfriend (which would probably not happening):

The one who is kind hearted

The one who is smart 

The one who is mature to understand 

The one who is reserved, discretion practiced throughout 

The one I would like to spend my time with, enjoying each other's company

The one who knows the bible better than I do, and encourage me to walk closer to God

The one who understand why I'm doing things that particular way

The one whom only I understand where's she's coming from 

The one whom, above all, loves God

The one whom I would say to myself that she's the one

The one that I felt peace in my heart

The one that I don't have to be fake

The one that I don't feel socially restricted by norms 

I would not trade anything for her 

The one whom reminded me theee are still good things happening in the world 

The one whom I can share secrets with , without contempt 

If I ever stumble upon you, I would be the happiest man 

So, where does God comes into this picture, in the midst of my rants?

I don't know, but one thing is for sure, he's always there.