I like her

I think I met the one I've been looking for? All the qualities I'm looking for in a spouse. She has it all.
Perfect fit, seems like it. Our parents knew each other. I know her family quite well (ish). Think we have the similar values of life.

But I know the sacrifice on both parts will be huge, if we ever happened to be together.

Knew her since 6 years ago. Did not really saw her as a potential spouse candidate for consideration until 3 months ago, when I get to know her more and more. Plus my friend who had a huge crush on her revealed lots of things about her which I did not really noticed. Many people say she is kind and sweet and pretty.

I knew I could not impress her. Not impressive enough to impress her. She can see through people. She can guess whatever I am thinking. But she is like a diamond. Yes, shiny and nice and all that, but also very hard to crack. I have no idea what she is thinking all the time. I could not decipher her. The mysterious air to it adds to the attraction.

It'll be a total miracle if she feels the same way about me. More importantly, if I am the one she is looking for and praying for as well. Then, the roller coaster ride begins. There will be no going back to the young and wild stallion way of life in independence. She does not have privacy in her life. I have all privacy I wanted in my life. Combining these both elements will be chaotic.

I can only pray.

Don't even know where to start if I were to pursue her.

I think I've lost her

I first met this lady in July 2016, when both of us attended the same church, at a new place where I worked as an intern for a whole year. We both did not get involved with any activities within the church, sat at the same row, but never talked to each other. Then, I went to another town for work in Feb - April 2017, and never saw her again when I came back. Then, just few weeks before I leave to go back to University in August 2017, I managed to get the courage to ask for her name, where she's from, where she studied, and what her job is. That's about it. It was a 30 second conversation. 

For two years between September 2017 - September 2019, I was in university, studying and doing my life as usual. I was not keenly attracted to anyone in church or fellowship, for some reasons. I totally forgot about her, if I'm honest. 

Fast forward, it was October 2019, I came back to the place of work where I was once an intern. I did not go back to the church, and decided to try another church, upon recommendation of a friend. All of these are unexpected. Anyhow, by random chance (or divine arrangement), I met the lady again. This time, we knew we need to get to know each other, and exchange phone numbers and what not. I knew I had a huge crush on her. I found myself unable to sleep for weeks, knowing that I will see her again on Sundays. I knew it was a miracle we met each other again because apparently after I left in August 2017, she went to another place for work for a whole year. Then, she moved to another city. Only recently, she decided to attend this particular church. There are so many factors that could prevent us meeting again but somehow we did. 

Anyway, we started texting, and I was so happy that both of us are taking the initiative to text each other. Then, after having a lunch meet up, the texting stopped. I did not really know why, probably because I ignored her as she was sick. Anyhow, there's another guy who worked in the same workplace as her and came to the church. I thought they liked each other so I actually stepped back and stop taking any interests in her. The three of us plus a few others went for bouldering, which she suggested. From this point onward, I noticed the red flags. I mean, everyone has red flags as nobody is perfect. Yet, it is important to identify them as to know how to tolerate each other. I found that she can be quite volatile and immature? And she would get really mad if nobody replies her message. I think any girls have the right to be mad but is it justified? I would expect her to be more mature as she is 2 years older but apparently not. I really don't want to have an objective view of her because that would put her down from my perfect perception of her. She then suggested having Karaoke, but then I did not reply in the group chat. I think she got mad after as she put on her Insta story saying that how hard will it be for people to reply. She then left the group chat she created, blocked me on Instagram and Facebook, and removed me from Whatsapp contacts. 

Taking a step back, I wondered what could I have done better? Did I just lost her for good? Is she worth it? Will she stop coming to church / change to another church because of me? I mean, I've already foresee this in my worst case scenario analysis. I really don't know. I've been praying for a good life partner for like a 7 years already? I really thought she could be the one. At this point, probably no. Will I be single forever? Actually I don't really mind but I will be jeered my whole life by friends and family. 

It's like Abraham sacrificing Isaac after God promised Abraham a son. I felt like I was in the same situation as Abraham. Giving it up after receiving it. I guess God has a better plan? I really wanted to help her. I know she has some mental health issues. I know she is strong hearted and a very career-focused person. Did I expect too much?

Wish I have been more mature to know what to say and what to do at the right time. 

I feel like sometimes God place some person in my life, which I actually squandered because I did not do anything about it. 

2019 - This aforementioned lady from church whom it was a miracle we met each other again

2017 - The Korean lady whom I met in a church in Malaysia during summer in which we started texting, before I discarded my Malaysian number and flew back to UK

- This Filipino lady whom I met in church in UK, met her parents and her church cell group. But then I never see her again after winter 2017. 

- This lady whom I met in cell group, who knew I was very lonely and she understands me inside out. Really wish to talk to her again to rekindle the friendship but I found no excuse to do so. 

2016 - A church member introduced her god daughter, in which I did nothing nor initiate anything to start any conversation / meet up

2014 - This lady whom I knew and people hinted that she was interested in me. She is a good Christian girl. But I knew I was going off to UK and hence I did not do anything. Long distance relationship is pointless, as far as I'm aware. I wish she will get a good Christian man soon as I know she deserves the best (not me, obviously). 

I knew I had to trust God at this point. I can't really do much but to make myself better, a good Christian man. Even if I end up single forever, I pray that I will be the best version of myself, in God's eyes. Everyone else may do it without God's help, but I want my relationship (if any) to be a testimony to God. 

Stressed up

Within a span of a few months, I am expected to:

- Have a close group of friends in a new environment

- Be established in a new church

- Have a stable life partner

- Be a fully professional person, with separate professional and personal life, blossoming in each area. 

I know I will go through depression very soon.

I can't really complain about this because everyone goes through it. If I do make a big fuss about it, I am attracting attention only, which is not ideal. Can't I just complain for once and let it all out? It felt better. I want someone to tell me that it is ok to be lonely. It is ok to have no one. It is ok to have no friends. It is ok to be scared. This society makes me want to choke myself to the point of death, figuratively.

I am stuck in UK whilst my friends are blossoming back in Malaysia.

I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to feel. 

Bitterness

I have bitterness issue. This bitterness has become a considerable emotional burden. I need to be more mature. But I don't have the EQ or the capacity to do so. The goal is not to remove bitterness, but how to deal with it. I think I know the source of my bitterness:

- A Hong Kong student who likes to show off
Sure, nobody is perfect. But something about him just pissed me off and annoy the shit out of me. But then again, I think this is caused by my own pride as well. I want to be the only chinese guy in the worship team. I want to be the only chinese guy in the young adults group.  I don't want another competitor. This is petty and frankly stupid. I will face a lot of this kind of person in my life in the future. Better to know how to handle it now, maturely, than to affect my family members and children later on, In the midst of this, I know I can trust God. His burden is light.
I'll try not to be affected and wish the best for him. After all, he is God's beloved child and I am not suppose to see myself higher than him. I shall wish everyone the best and not put any hurtful comments, although they hated me. I shall wish my enemy well although they slap me. This is the heart of Christ which I want to imitate.

Remove negativity

I think I need to identify the sources of my negative feelings:

- Family issues. Parents quarrelling. Like father like son. I think I’ll end of behaving like my dad in terms of treating close family members like shit.
- Lack of a person to really relate to during work.
- church issues and some Hong Kong members of the Fellowship. Being misjudged and exploited by the church members, patronised by old people who are trying to be relevant but in actual fact did nothing.
- the existence of young adults groups which I may inadvertently see as competition. I know this is petty but this is my human nature.
- How the hell am I suppose to lead alpha in Cantonese. I don’t want to reject the mandarin speakers either. If I lead, I bleed. If I don’t, feel like a fucker who abandons the two other committee. The thing is the experienced members are gone.
- work place pressure. I may not get a job in the end.
- The fear of rejection by flatmate.
- Not sure how to reconnect with people who I really wanted to catch up with without being weird or awkward. Basically I don’t have the excuse

People who currently stress me out:
- A Hong Kong guy who likes to show off and berates other. If I wasn’t the president of the Fellowship I wouldn’t care but I’m affected by his actions and words. His very existence just annoys me. If I let him serve, he’ll probably not commit. If I don’t, he’ll 呱呱叫。I need God’s supernatural wisdom to make my EQ higher.
- A church pastor who patronises people for his own gains ie church politics. I need to recognise that whether or not his intention is pure, I hope people will recognise God’s grace through these courses.

Steps to deal with these:
- Don’t think about family issues. Think how much I can love them despite all our flaws instead.
- It’s ok to eat alone during lunch. Make sure join the Christian weekly meet up and perhaps frisbee if possible?
- Don’t think myself to highly. Let people hit my left cheek after being hit on the right. Beat each other in love, and long suffering. Lead by example.
- In fact since it’s now a pastorate, it’s better to merge together, then I don’t have to do anything !
- Tell the advisor and my fellow members and the pastor how I feel. If they disregard, hold firm and say no.
- Make sure feel like stopping an orgasm. Don’t be attached but also be attached.
- don’t be attached to flat mate and expect nothing out of him
- don’t have to catch up. Life is like that.

Principle or Feelings?

The truth is, people will believe and convinced more on how they feel and what they see, rather than on principles and right/wrong conscience. That is why it is easy to trick people. That is also why following the correct principles is not popular at all. Because most of the time, doing the right thing (following principles) does not feel good.

For example, a mother loves her child. That's why she disciplined her child by scolding him when he did an inappropriate action. This is a correct action by the mother and this follows the principle of disciplining the child strictly for his own good. However, this does not feels good for the mother or the child as the mother is (at that moment of disciplining the child) is frustrated and the child is sad. In the end, in the long run, this will bring good result for the child as the child learnt not to do the inappropriate action.

Turn things around, for example, a grandmother gave the child a lot of sweets. The grandmother is not following principles of disciplining the child on food intake. This is not a correct action. However, this feels good for the grandmother and the child. In the end, in the long run, this will bring bad results for the child as the child might have sugar high all the time.

So, is it better to be the mother or the grandmother?

In life, some people did the right things, but was condemned by many as this does not feels good. Other people did the wrong things, but was praised by many as this feels good.

For me personally, I'm more of an introvert than a very sociable person. Hence, I don't really get along easily with people of all types. It's all ok for me until the day I had to step up to be a leader. But any leader, but the leader of a Christian group. Now, the thing about Christian groups is that its not bound by rules like in corporate associations. Hence, no disciplinary actions may be taken in Christian groups. Thus, the leaders of Christian group has to assert himself/herself via social means, instead of legal procedures. Since the leader of Christian group is not backed by legal rules, his/her power and authority essentially lies on the convincing skills. If the Christian group leader could not convince people to do things the correct way, then he/she de facto has no authority at all. If the Christian group leader could not make everyone happy, then he/she will make enemies and he/she will not have the backing of legal procedures/consequences.

I'm stressed. When I look at people who are just shit, I can't scold them. Because there's no legal framework for anything in Christian groups. It's all voluntary. Since I don't have the best convincing skills, I'm not fit to become a leader of a Christian group. But since there's nobody else stepping up, I'm trapped. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.  

I Have Nobody to Talk To

I have nobody to talk to
Hence, I've been talking to my stuff animal

Yes, my life is sad
But I guess this will prevent me from being too needy and wanting people to hear me out

I've told the stuff animal almost everything
The stuff animal is
a) good listener
b) Non-judgmental
c) Discreet and keeps secret

Hence, I think it's not a bad option