Monday 25 August 2014
Sunday 17 August 2014
Reflection of Flaws
After months of staying with several Christian Fellowship friends, I came to realize something very important. I got a very critical flaw.
When I am not staying with the CF people, I get to meet them probably twice a week. We chat a lot and tried our best to catch up with one another.
But when I stay with them, seeing them every single day, I begin to sense a drift between the friendship. We began to see the flaws. And yet, because my nature of wanting to attract attention and being given attention at, I feel so bad when nobody ask me how am I doing.
Yet, if I present my true self, I will not give a damn about their life. I probably will not talk to my housemates because honestly I am quite antisocial. Thinking (too much) of it, I came to realize that I enjoy hit-and-run hangout with people I don't see everyday. And I find it weird if I enjoy hangout more with other people than my own housemates. I never got a roommate or housemates, and I know that my hospitality ability is virtually zero. I am good at individuality such as music, knowledge... etc. But I pretty much suck at inter-personnel skills such as living with housemates and talking to them. Only God can show his strength through my weakness.
I am being super immature here because I act like a kid who needs attention. I enjoy being given attention at. And yet deep down I know that this is not going to work out well. How can your happiness depend on other's reaction or response? And then I told myself to be myself, not giving a shit. But that could potentially leads to drift in friendships with the housemates. I don't really care about them. When I tried to more "social" and tried my best to have more conversation with them, I found that I have nothing to talk with them, literally zero. I will naturally resort to attracting their attention, so to improve our conversation, so I thought. I sense that I lost my belief and values in life. I thought I've changed. And yet, this weakness came creeping over my life over the years. Yes, I can feel jealous when my friend talk to another person instead of me. I thought I am over it, but yet again my nature proved me wrong.
So I thought, if I be myself, I won't give a shit about other people. If I don't be myself and be more open to conversations, I felt like not getting enough attention.
The CF people are very kind-hearted. And yet, because I lived with them for 2 months now, I can see their flaws. And yet I had to tried my best not to judge them, even if I did it already in my mind, for I am not perfect. I realized that being close to another person (other than core family members) is not my thing, well at least according to the CF people definition (did I think too much?). I got a wall, to hide some things that are not meant to be seen by others.
Well, it's time to grow up mentally and spiritually. It's like a choice between deep shit and deeper shit. To have more maturity, most probably some shitty experience is needed. When the level of maturity is attained, we still have to go through some deep shit, but we know how to handle it. and yet we wonder: does the cost of the shitty experience pays off? If we didn't go through the process of maturing, then we'll face some deeper shit. So, it's either deep shit or deeper shit, or no shit at all (in the virtual world).
It's just that my personality more or less different than other typical CF people (at least that's what I thought). I know I am not to think myself higher than other people but to bear one another with love, to emphasis on unity rather than the difference. I guess God is trying and will be teaching/disciplining me on inter-personnel skills so that I will be a better instrument to bring his glory and will be done on earth. God is molding me into something better, and yet the process may not be all pleasant. But I believe the end product is always good, because I am the clay, and God is the potter. He will make me to anything that he wants, to fulfill his purpose here on earth and all glory to God and God alone deserve all praises.
When I am not staying with the CF people, I get to meet them probably twice a week. We chat a lot and tried our best to catch up with one another.
But when I stay with them, seeing them every single day, I begin to sense a drift between the friendship. We began to see the flaws. And yet, because my nature of wanting to attract attention and being given attention at, I feel so bad when nobody ask me how am I doing.
Yet, if I present my true self, I will not give a damn about their life. I probably will not talk to my housemates because honestly I am quite antisocial. Thinking (too much) of it, I came to realize that I enjoy hit-and-run hangout with people I don't see everyday. And I find it weird if I enjoy hangout more with other people than my own housemates. I never got a roommate or housemates, and I know that my hospitality ability is virtually zero. I am good at individuality such as music, knowledge... etc. But I pretty much suck at inter-personnel skills such as living with housemates and talking to them. Only God can show his strength through my weakness.
I am being super immature here because I act like a kid who needs attention. I enjoy being given attention at. And yet deep down I know that this is not going to work out well. How can your happiness depend on other's reaction or response? And then I told myself to be myself, not giving a shit. But that could potentially leads to drift in friendships with the housemates. I don't really care about them. When I tried to more "social" and tried my best to have more conversation with them, I found that I have nothing to talk with them, literally zero. I will naturally resort to attracting their attention, so to improve our conversation, so I thought. I sense that I lost my belief and values in life. I thought I've changed. And yet, this weakness came creeping over my life over the years. Yes, I can feel jealous when my friend talk to another person instead of me. I thought I am over it, but yet again my nature proved me wrong.
So I thought, if I be myself, I won't give a shit about other people. If I don't be myself and be more open to conversations, I felt like not getting enough attention.
The CF people are very kind-hearted. And yet, because I lived with them for 2 months now, I can see their flaws. And yet I had to tried my best not to judge them, even if I did it already in my mind, for I am not perfect. I realized that being close to another person (other than core family members) is not my thing, well at least according to the CF people definition (did I think too much?). I got a wall, to hide some things that are not meant to be seen by others.
Well, it's time to grow up mentally and spiritually. It's like a choice between deep shit and deeper shit. To have more maturity, most probably some shitty experience is needed. When the level of maturity is attained, we still have to go through some deep shit, but we know how to handle it. and yet we wonder: does the cost of the shitty experience pays off? If we didn't go through the process of maturing, then we'll face some deeper shit. So, it's either deep shit or deeper shit, or no shit at all (in the virtual world).
It's just that my personality more or less different than other typical CF people (at least that's what I thought). I know I am not to think myself higher than other people but to bear one another with love, to emphasis on unity rather than the difference. I guess God is trying and will be teaching/disciplining me on inter-personnel skills so that I will be a better instrument to bring his glory and will be done on earth. God is molding me into something better, and yet the process may not be all pleasant. But I believe the end product is always good, because I am the clay, and God is the potter. He will make me to anything that he wants, to fulfill his purpose here on earth and all glory to God and God alone deserve all praises.
Monday 4 August 2014
The slow process 2.0
A rant, to describe how I feel about things right now
I gave the transcript on 7 July, passport on 8 July, should be receiving offer letter and CAS latest by end of July. The education advisor told me that receiving CAS within a week should be normal.
Yet, today, I still haven't got the CAS and offer letter. And last friday they told me "Your CAS will be issued today", they lied. It made me so hopeful, but it crushed me. Two weeks I did nothing because the documents should have come haven't come. I am playing the blame game now (which is never healthy I guess). Today they told me that they haven't received my ATAS cert. I received it on 19 May, please don't tell me they delay the process just because they haven't receive ATAS cert. They should have tell me to send over the cert. I was furious. Do I have to wait until last minute to rush everything? For more than 2 weeks, I am super unproductive, in which I should be productive if the university admission team is more efficient. It made me wonder if Surrey is really the right choice, too late to turn back now. I guess I have to wait until last minute then only can apply for CAS.
But where am I forcing myself to go? It'll probably break my heart again when the thing I pursued so hard is not what i expected and the trials will just crush me instead. Next life phrase is never easy, did I became too desperate?
However, I know God is in control. Yup i'd just wait though
I gave the transcript on 7 July, passport on 8 July, should be receiving offer letter and CAS latest by end of July. The education advisor told me that receiving CAS within a week should be normal.
Yet, today, I still haven't got the CAS and offer letter. And last friday they told me "Your CAS will be issued today", they lied. It made me so hopeful, but it crushed me. Two weeks I did nothing because the documents should have come haven't come. I am playing the blame game now (which is never healthy I guess). Today they told me that they haven't received my ATAS cert. I received it on 19 May, please don't tell me they delay the process just because they haven't receive ATAS cert. They should have tell me to send over the cert. I was furious. Do I have to wait until last minute to rush everything? For more than 2 weeks, I am super unproductive, in which I should be productive if the university admission team is more efficient. It made me wonder if Surrey is really the right choice, too late to turn back now. I guess I have to wait until last minute then only can apply for CAS.
But where am I forcing myself to go? It'll probably break my heart again when the thing I pursued so hard is not what i expected and the trials will just crush me instead. Next life phrase is never easy, did I became too desperate?
However, I know God is in control. Yup i'd just wait though
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