This post might be funny because I am in the process of growing up. Someday the future me will be laughing hard at this post of mine.
Deep down I have massive unforgiveness to my parents. I know I am ungrateful. I shouldn't be unforgiving becoz this is not what God wants me to do. Forgiving means getting along and not holding a grudge. But that doesn't mean I will let them hurt me the same way again. No matter how imperfect my parents are, I have to forgive them for this is the will of God. They are human beings, never perfect.
The volatile, arrogant side of my dad has taken it's toll on me. I have to learn to forgive him. Sometimes I don't feel like seeing him because he is immature, full of pride/ego, and emotionally unstable. He can be a two faced person and blame others so that he can be seen as perfect. Yet, this is what family members are. We see the good and bad of each other and accept them as who they are. Someday if I have children, they might think the same way too. I just have to forgive. Only God can help me to forgive. It's all about Jesus. He forgave us even if we did really really shameful things. How much more should I forgive my parents who gave their everything in raising me up. This is just what family members do. But the flaws of my dad had a great impact which perpetuated my mind and soul. There's a scar, only God can remove it. Sometimes I wonder will I inherit his flaws when I'm in middle age? Is it possible that no matter how hard I try I will end up like him? These thoughts are hidden deep inside my mind, and I have to face it no matter how much I wanted to avoid it.
Now I understand (at least 1% of it) the feeling of missing someone. I miss my friends and host family back in USA. I also missed my secondary school friends. Somehow I don't miss my parents. I might still be in the season of rebellious against parents. I want to be obedient to them. But obedient doesn't mean missing them isn't it? Last Saturday (16 Nov 2013) I have a mini-hangout with two of my secondary school friends. It is totally a miracle that I can meet them up. The miracles:
1. Well, he is my close friend and he made the costly and long trip to go to the meet up place. (Which I thought would be impossible since he is off to Macau the next day).
2. She is my crush and I am greatly infatuated with her since secondary school years. We never actually talked to each other. But somehow she opened up and said "ok" to my meet up suggestion. It was totally unexpected because we never hangout for the very reason to be together and catching up with one another. It has been almost a year since I last saw her. In secondary school years, my infatuation had taken it's toll on me and I made it very awkward for her. But somehow this time I don't know why she agreed to meet me up. I considered myself to be lucky not to fall into the perpetual trap of infatuation-awkwardness-crush thingy. 3.Actually I invited 7 friends for the meet up, but due to inconvenience all of them turned down except for him and her. With only 3 person for the meet up I thought she might see it as an awkward hangout and turn it down too. But yet somehow she said yes.
4.She is in the middle of extreme stress of studying yet she agreed to come out for a dinner, which is actually a great sacrifice.
5. Somehow I happen to be near her place that period (and free) when she is around (probability is almost 0%)
6. His mother allowed him to go out although it's night and he is busy readying the baggage for Macau.
7. She ate at the restaurant many times b4 and probably bored of it already. Yet she still agree to go to that restaurant.
8. She wants to save money and be budget yet she choose to have a dinner outside.
9. There's another hangout 2 weeks later with more friends and she's free. She actually can skip this meet up bcoz logically, we can meet up 2 weeks later.
10. Somehow I didn't got sick that day. The night before I have a fever.
I enjoyed every moment of the dinner, don't know why. There's no awkwardness between 3 of us and we had a great time. I seemed to forgot the fact that I made her very very awkward when I sent her love letters back in secondary school days. I wish it never happened. It is like a fresh new beginning again. We talked alot and catch up with one another, sharing different interesting college-life stories. I am amazed by the fact that I am no longer the infatuated-guy, but a normal friend now. It was really a night to remember. I know I might not see both of them again in the near future. I really wanted to see her again after not meeting up for almost a year. Now that I've meet her, I don't have the pressure to have a hangout with her in the near future. In fact, when I'm back from USA in July, she is the one who made the initiative to catch up with me, to my surprise. I knew I have to meet her someday. Honestly I might not know her well enough but I think I like her attitude, her frank attitude. Probably I think too much, but I feel there is a certain chemistry coming out from me towards her.This is probably the strong feeling of infatuations, this was what I felt. With this hangout come to past, I have one less regret to face.
Yet, as a price of maturity, I learnt to give up the sweet but fake feeling of infatuation for something better. If a relationship is based on infatuation, it probably will not last long. I had the hard way of learning to put away my thoughts of infatuations. The hard way. No matter how sweet the hangout is to me, I had to deny the infatuation part and emphasis the friendship element in it. The very occurrence of the hangout is the prove that I've learnt to put away infatuations and focus on friendships. If relationships are to last, it might be as well started from friendships, true friendships.Now I have to see her as a friend, not as a long-shot-perfect-girl-of-my-dream. It's like a 5 year old kid giving up the habit of playing with toys because he understands that there are something more in the next level of entertainment. It might be hard at first, but I believe gradually it will be better for all. It's like sacrificing something small now for something better (by faith) later with long-term benefits. Yup, it's hard for me to viewed her as a normal friend and not as a crush, because deep down I know crush and infatuations lead to nowhere. They bring more harm than good. The sweet feelings they bring about are short-term and imaginary. This is a part of growing up. Can you imagine a 40 year old guy infatuated with every pretty woman he came across? That will be very ridiculous.
Anyway, I miss her a lot. I hope I can meet her up again. This might be stupid but this is what I feel. I have to go thru self denial for maturity? But I guess this is better for all. Sacrifice this part of me so that I will avoid (at least 1%) the future complications it brings.
